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Stratosphere Tower Announces New Hirings

Citing "catastrophic damage" caused by teens flocking to the amusements at the summit of the Las Vegas landmark Stratosphere Tower, representatives of the building announced today that they would be hiring an additional 5000 employees to be assigned to the janitorial staff. Approximately 500 of the new cleaning staff will augment current staff whose duties include maintaining the building's elevators, restaurants, and common hallways, while the remaining approximately 4500 will serve solely at the top of the Stratosphere in the newly rechristened "Triple Thrills" amusement zone.

"This revitalized thrill zone has, frankly, been a catastrophe for the Stratosphere," said Supervising V.P. of Public Indoctrination Harold Coetzee. "I must admit, we specifically angled only to the teen audience with our new ride area name and marketing. In fact, we're pretty sure that the phallic imagery inherent in our 1,149-foot engorged priapus of a building was already subliminally attracting youngsters to our facility."

"However, it may be that we overdid it with that marketing campaign," he added. "When we ordered visitors to 'Get Down, Get Up, and Get Off,' we just didn't consider how literal-minded teens are, nor the fact that they are always incredibly horny."

Current cleaning crew members have reported being utterly overwhelmed by an assault of bodily fluids from visitors. "Just when I've cleaned up one puddle of semen, another couple gets down," complained an employee who asked not to be named. "And it's just disgusting how much they are all getting off all over the rides and the loading platforms. I'm the one who has to clean that mess up, and naturally I'm the one who will be blamed if someone slips in some spooge and goes flying off the side of the building. I didn't sign on to this place to be a damn jizz mopper."

Coetzee noted that the new rush of employees would stem the tide of the problem. "With this many janitors available on the top of the building, we know that there will always be enough crew on hand with some paper towels, a mop, and some Windex, ready to whisk away any unsightly servings of Man Mole that splatter on the walkways and railings."

When asked why security would allow visible hard-ons, coitus, and epidemic masturbation in a public area, Coetzee chuckled nervously and said, "Well, we painted ourselves into a corner there, didn't we? I mean, it's right there in our advertising that people can get down, get up, or get off. Whether we intended it to be taken that way is not the point; as long as one person believes that it means they can 'make their own Big Shot,' we make ourselves vulnerable to false-advertising lawsuits from those upset that they are being denied something they were promised."

"Hey," he added. "At least we weren't like Lake Compounce a few years back, telling park visitors 'You Will Go Down!' That was just stupid."

--JCK (from an idea by SPS. Actually, it was more like poor SPS sent the link to the advertisement and made fun of how blatantly it was angled at teens, and we really went gross with it, so blame JCK, not him.)