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Girlfriend Unhappy With Valentine's Day Gifts

Area girlfriend Marcia Tallis, 25, is very unhappy this Valentine's Day, due to what she calls "grossly inadequate gifts" from soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Tom Lassen, 24.

"All my friends have better boyfriends," sobbed Tallis. "Everyone I know is being taken out for expensive dinners, and they're getting flowers and chocolate and ridiculously overpriced jewelry. I'm pretty sure Kimmy and Chrissy are even getting engagement rings today, too. It's just so unfair."

"I don't understand what Marcia's problem is," said a bewildered Lassen, stopping to forge around in his left nostril with his thumb. "I actually remembered her favorite holiday this year and bought lots of cool, romantic gifts for her. What girl wouldn't love the huge poster of suggestively posed Coaster Zombies to hang on her wall? Or a Day-Glo green Coaster Zombie shirt? Or a sexy pink Zombie tracksuit? Hell, man, she better appreciate; that thing was 43 bucks!"

"It's just unbelievable that this guy would do all his Valentine's Day shopping at a coaster enthusiast website," said Tallis. "If he thinks he's ever getting any ever again, he's crazy."

"Maybe I'll steal Carrie's boyfriend Dave," she added. "He forgot to make dinner reservations again and he has really foul body odor, but he did at least give her a very tasteful and demure ARN&R Barbecue Apron. God, I'm jealous of that bitch."

--JCK