Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Addition of Tofurky to Turkey Whirl Fails Miserably

Holiday World is well-known, and deservedly so, for its friendly and welcoming nature. From Mrs. Koch greeting folks at the entrance to some of the nicest employees in the industry, it's just a plain cozy place to be.

So it should come as no surprise that the park would attempt to make its new turkey-themed Tilt-A-Whirl, "Turkey Whirl," welcoming to everyone, even vegetarians.

"But it didn't work, did it?" laughed park head Will Koch. "We thought we had the technology, the know-how, and the equipment, but we didn't count on what happened..."

As Koch tells it, the plan worked well during the bitterest cold. "The good people at Sellner had formed together about thirty Tofurky roasts, using Tofurky Jurky and 'Giblet' and Mushroom Gravy as adhesives, and somehow made it fit together in the exact shape of a Tilt-A-Whirl ride carriage. It went great when we first tested the ride -- it was about ten degrees out and the people riding the Tofurky Whirl seat loved it! The slight flexibility of products formed from water, vital wheat gluten, organic tofu (water, organic soybeans, magnesium chloride, calcium chloride), white beans, garbanzo beans, non genetically engineered corn starch, natural vegetarian flavor, expeller pressed non genetically engineered canola oil, shoyu soy sauce (water, non genetically engineered soy beans, wheat, salt, culture), spices, lemon juice, and calcium lactate from beets, actually made the ride a bit more comfortable!"

Things went awry, however, when the temperature rose above freezing for several days last week.

"We were doing some training for ride operators, so we started up the ride again. But..." Here Koch's voice trailed off, and he just shook his head quietly. But surveillance video obtained by ARN&R tells the rest of the story.

As the ride starts, all of the test riders (all new employees) are laughing and enjoying themselves, including the vegetarian employees who moved there from northern California. As the ride reaches its normal operating speed, however, bits of soy-based products start flying off, with Tofurky deli slices pelting the ride operator trainer and Not Dogs later being found as far as 100 feet away. By the time the ride came to a complete stop, the employees who were sitting in the Soy Seat were sitting in a small puddle of melted soy protein, safe but humiliated.

Koch says that he is putting on hold plans to offer vegan water ride tubes formed out of tempeh.

--GP

23 comments:

  1. Anonymous5:43 PM

    It makes sense the vegetarian employees would be from Northern California.

    Still, I don't know if this has anything on the rides at Bonfante Gardens (In Northern California)

    AA

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  2. This is the stupidest ARN&R article ever!

    Funky

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  3. Anonymous7:08 PM

    I disagree. We have had far stupider articles.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Why is Will so dumb that he thinks Sally makes Tilt-A-Whirls anyway? Wouldn't he know that these rides are made by Sellner Manufacturing? Does Sally now make spinning rides in addition to dark rides and animatronic figures? Did ARNR just screw up really badly on this article? These are the types of hard hitting questions I would like to see answered in this article, but I guess that's too much to ask from ARNR. Thanks for nothing jerks!

    Aaron

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  5. Anonymous9:47 PM

    What are you talking about? Sellner makes Tilt-A-Whirls, like it says in the article.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Your welcome for pointing out the error. ;)

    ReplyDelete
  7. Anonymous5:48 AM

    My welcome? Our welcome? Come on, grammar and punctuation man. You can do better than that.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Anonymous2:41 PM

    You shut up, funky, and go back to drinking that gravy.

    Does hooked on phonics tell people to use "SHUT UP!" as a response when bad spelling and grammar is mistakenly used?

    If we really want to go organic... the launch cable on both Kingda Ka and Top Thrill Dragster should be replaced with hemp, so people can get a high when they get launched, then subsequently rollback.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Oh, IM sorry. "SHUT UP!"

    ReplyDelete
  10. Anonymous7:47 AM

    How is that gravy, Funky?

    ReplyDelete
  11. Fat Free.
    Lost 15 pds in two weeks.

    What will you do when Im skinnier than you? You'll still be ugly and mean!

    Funky, Who knows who Anonomus is.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Anonymous6:13 PM

    <
    I think that side-bar thing about Kennywood is a rip on our friend Katie. That's what I think. I think that's a rip on our friend Katie. At least, that's what I think.

    AA

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  13. Anonymous6:15 PM

    I mean, doesn't she work for Thrill-Network? I think she does. At least, I think she does.

    AA

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  14. Anonymous6:19 PM

    HEY
    <
    That other side-bar thing about Ohio and Florida is a Rip on JACK.

    It definitely is.

    They keep ripping all our friends.

    They definitely do.

    AA

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  15. Anonymous6:59 PM

    Be glad you still have friends. Most of us can't figure out how that's possible.

    Weekly

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  16. Maybe it's because we aren't d-bags like you Weekly. If they're ripping on Jack and Katie, it's time to take it to level 2.

    Aaron

    ReplyDelete
  17. Anonymous1:43 AM

    "You're now arriving at Level 2...
    ...Geeks, dweebs, twerps, and assorted coaster apparel. Enjoy your stay."

    Meg

    ReplyDelete
  18. Anonymous9:51 AM

    LOL!

    That's all I have to say.

    You anti-ARN&R guys need to get out more. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
  19. Seriously Meg, LEAVE ME ALONE! I already have a restraining order, and I don't want to call the police again, but you're leaving me with no choice. Can't you just let Colleen and I enjoy our lives together?

    Aaron

    ReplyDelete
  20. Anonymous4:41 PM

    So who likes Cranberry Sierra Mist?

    ReplyDelete
  21. Anonymous3:55 AM

    I've been thinking a long time about whether I should answer this question.

    Count me as one who does not like
    Cranberry Sierra Mist.

    AA

    ReplyDelete