Busch Doll Hugely Popular
A Busch Garden doll that says "We're working hard to put thrills into your family's heart," and "Make no mistake, this park will be fun," has turned into a huge hit for a small company. The 12.5-inch-tall likeness, which features clips from Busch Garden's speeches, sold out a first shipment of 1,200,000 this week. A second shipment of the $29.99 thrill doll won't arrive until after Christmas.
``We anticipated it being a very popular item but we just didn't think it was going to take off that quick,'' said James Westinghouseling, co-founder of Irving-based TalkingThemeParks.com Inc.
Most of the 17 sound clips are straightforward quotes about the Theme Park attractions and other theme park industry topics - such as "Thrill regulations against our nation will not stand" - although the doll does utter some of Busch's malapropisms. "There's nothing derogatory, everything is complimentary, there's nothing to make fun of it ... (but) the doll is a good representation of the Theme Park giant, there are two or three of their Buschisms,'' Westinghouseling said.
It's unclear what Busch the Theme Park giant thinks of Busch the doll - the company's press office did not immediately return a call for comment.
A picture of the Busch Gardens doll appeared on the Drudge Report Web site last week, and the company got 6,000,000 web hits in a single day and media calls from around the world. It took its phone number off the Web site and posted a message cautioning that no more dolls were immediately available.
The next group of 1,200,000 should ship from Hong Kong on Dec. 30 with a third shipment on its heels, but that won't satisfy disappointed Christmas shoppers.
The Paramount Entertainment Library & Birthplace ordered two cases but sold them out within days, said spokesperson Adrian Barr. ``It's so out of control,'' she said.
The fledgling company isn't planning to stop with Busch. A talking King's Dominion Doll is in the works for the spring, with "Hypersonic will be open soon!" expected to be the biggest hit of the quotes. After that, Westinghouseling plans to manufacture talking Walt Disneys, Six Flagsers, Cedar Fairs and Busch's Sea Worlds.
--RAS
Tuesday, December 17, 2002
Monday, December 16, 2002
2003 to Bring Variety of New Rules at Six Flags Parks
Although few park patrons are aware of it, one of the amusement industry’s most important events took place this past weekend, when Six Flags corporate held its annual winter meetings. Aside from discussing corporate policy and logistics, and engaging in much rolling about in piles of filthy lucre, the executives of the park chain and its member parks held a series of meetings designed to create a new set of rules and regulations for park guests this coming season. ARN&R has obtained transcripts of the meetings, and is pleased to break the exclusive new rules and regulations to our readers.
- Six Flags Over Georgia will ban single riders on all its coasters, except for each Tuesday two weeks after a lunar eclipse during non-Leap Years from 1PM until 2:29PM, when single riders will be allowed only in the very back seat of the Georgia Cyclone, facing backward.
- Six Flags Astroworld will reinstate the coffinlike shrouds on the Texas Cyclone’s Morgan trains, and will additionally require all passengers on the ride to wear straitjackets filled with furious hornets, while simultaneously undergoing a non-Novocained cavity drilling.
- Six Flags Magic Mountain will allow one rider per train on X, which will be open for 20 minutes weekly, in order to maintain the record-setting lines for publicity purposes.
- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom will require all visitors to “squeal like a pig” before boarding each coaster. Any visitor who refuses to perform the requirement, or who does not perform the requirement adequately, will be taken into the woods by security and “done up Deliverance style.”
- Six Flags America will require Superman passengers to negotiate a narrow path between fully armed Crips and Bloods engaged in a bloody gang war. Additionally, all visitors to the park will be required to spend 6 hours in line for Batwing without actually riding it even once.
- Six Flags Worlds of Adventure will allow passengers on a randomly rotating total of 8 seats on each train of each coaster all day. Passengers who choose the correct seats will be permitted to ride. Passengers who choose incorrect seats will be ejected from the park without refund.
- Six Flags Saint Louis will enforce its “no complaining” policy by having personnel hawk massive loogies right in the faces of anyone approaching the customer service window.
- Six Flags New England will continue to run single trains on every ride, close rides for long periods without cause, assign seats on three coasters, and close off 90% of the seats on Poison Ivy, and will also institute a new policy of having park employees use fire hoses to blast pressurized raw human waste at patrons in line for the coasters. Ride managers will be given discretion as to how many times per minute the hosings should occur for their individual rides.
The transcript also notes that none of the rules will be posted or advertised, as per standard Six Flags policy. “It’s more fun for people to find out by surprise, when a ride op screams at them in front of everyone, or perhaps hoses them down with excrement,” stated one park vice president. Cedar Fair is expected to follow suit within days.
--JCK
Although few park patrons are aware of it, one of the amusement industry’s most important events took place this past weekend, when Six Flags corporate held its annual winter meetings. Aside from discussing corporate policy and logistics, and engaging in much rolling about in piles of filthy lucre, the executives of the park chain and its member parks held a series of meetings designed to create a new set of rules and regulations for park guests this coming season. ARN&R has obtained transcripts of the meetings, and is pleased to break the exclusive new rules and regulations to our readers.
- Six Flags Over Georgia will ban single riders on all its coasters, except for each Tuesday two weeks after a lunar eclipse during non-Leap Years from 1PM until 2:29PM, when single riders will be allowed only in the very back seat of the Georgia Cyclone, facing backward.
- Six Flags Astroworld will reinstate the coffinlike shrouds on the Texas Cyclone’s Morgan trains, and will additionally require all passengers on the ride to wear straitjackets filled with furious hornets, while simultaneously undergoing a non-Novocained cavity drilling.
- Six Flags Magic Mountain will allow one rider per train on X, which will be open for 20 minutes weekly, in order to maintain the record-setting lines for publicity purposes.
- Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom will require all visitors to “squeal like a pig” before boarding each coaster. Any visitor who refuses to perform the requirement, or who does not perform the requirement adequately, will be taken into the woods by security and “done up Deliverance style.”
- Six Flags America will require Superman passengers to negotiate a narrow path between fully armed Crips and Bloods engaged in a bloody gang war. Additionally, all visitors to the park will be required to spend 6 hours in line for Batwing without actually riding it even once.
- Six Flags Worlds of Adventure will allow passengers on a randomly rotating total of 8 seats on each train of each coaster all day. Passengers who choose the correct seats will be permitted to ride. Passengers who choose incorrect seats will be ejected from the park without refund.
- Six Flags Saint Louis will enforce its “no complaining” policy by having personnel hawk massive loogies right in the faces of anyone approaching the customer service window.
- Six Flags New England will continue to run single trains on every ride, close rides for long periods without cause, assign seats on three coasters, and close off 90% of the seats on Poison Ivy, and will also institute a new policy of having park employees use fire hoses to blast pressurized raw human waste at patrons in line for the coasters. Ride managers will be given discretion as to how many times per minute the hosings should occur for their individual rides.
The transcript also notes that none of the rules will be posted or advertised, as per standard Six Flags policy. “It’s more fun for people to find out by surprise, when a ride op screams at them in front of everyone, or perhaps hoses them down with excrement,” stated one park vice president. Cedar Fair is expected to follow suit within days.
--JCK
Thursday, December 12, 2002
Six Flags New Orleans to be New Flagship of Chain, Reports Say
The near-bankrupt Jazzland, now to be dubbed "Six Flags New Orleans," never able to come close to even the modest attendance goals used to justify millions of public dollars in investment, will be Six Flags Theme Parks' next mega-park, according to Internet sources. This year's addition of two "previously-owned" coasters "is just the beginning," according to JazzLandRulez.com's webmaster. "Next year, it's an enormous GCI wooden coaster and a record-breaking coaster so big it's designed by both B&M and Intamin!"
"We're going to pretty much abandon Magic Mountain and Six Flags Great Adventure and focus on this park scenically located on a swamp," said chain head Gary Story, according to the same sources. "Sure, the main population centers in the region are hours away and are already well-served by other major parks, and sure, New Orleans has like a million people at most, and, yes, sure, most people go to New Orleans for the hookers and booze, but, um, er...why the hell are we doing this again?" queried Story.
Upon a reminder from the rest of his management team that nobody doesn't like a town with hookers and booze -- including those people in charge of theme park companies who are forced to travel to the parks all the time -- Story got back on track. "After a late night of debauchery on Bourbon Street, who wouldn't like a ride on an Arrow coaster too lame even for Fiesta Texas?" he concluded, referring to the former Joker's Revenge, on its way to the park. After an assistant leaned over and whispered to him, sources indicate that he added, "It's a Vekoma? Even better!"
The near-bankrupt Jazzland, now to be dubbed "Six Flags New Orleans," never able to come close to even the modest attendance goals used to justify millions of public dollars in investment, will be Six Flags Theme Parks' next mega-park, according to Internet sources. This year's addition of two "previously-owned" coasters "is just the beginning," according to JazzLandRulez.com's webmaster. "Next year, it's an enormous GCI wooden coaster and a record-breaking coaster so big it's designed by both B&M and Intamin!"
"We're going to pretty much abandon Magic Mountain and Six Flags Great Adventure and focus on this park scenically located on a swamp," said chain head Gary Story, according to the same sources. "Sure, the main population centers in the region are hours away and are already well-served by other major parks, and sure, New Orleans has like a million people at most, and, yes, sure, most people go to New Orleans for the hookers and booze, but, um, er...why the hell are we doing this again?" queried Story.
Upon a reminder from the rest of his management team that nobody doesn't like a town with hookers and booze -- including those people in charge of theme park companies who are forced to travel to the parks all the time -- Story got back on track. "After a late night of debauchery on Bourbon Street, who wouldn't like a ride on an Arrow coaster too lame even for Fiesta Texas?" he concluded, referring to the former Joker's Revenge, on its way to the park. After an assistant leaned over and whispered to him, sources indicate that he added, "It's a Vekoma? Even better!"
Wednesday, December 11, 2002
Disney's California Adventure to Create Beach, Ocean Simulator
In what is being termed a "revolutionary effort" to revitalize Disney's ailing California Adventure theme park, the company announced plans to create a totally immersive beach and ocean simulator. The nearly five-minute attraction will feature the newest technology to make patrons feel that they are actually at the beach, including the sights, sounds, smells, and sensations they expect from a visit to the beach.
The park, located approximately forty miles from the Pacific Ocean and its hundreds of miles of largely pristine beaches, is expected to market the experience aggressively to native Californians as a "one-of-a-kind chance to walk on the beach." Target markets are primarily those living in communities such as Santa Monica -- a beachfront city where the average temperature is 77 year round -- and similar communities. "We don't think there's anything Santa Monicans will want to do more than drive through congested L.A. traffic for two hours to enjoy a relaxing day -- er, 278 seconds, give or take -- at the beach," said Disney spokeswoman Martha King.
If the attraction proves as popular as expected, Disney is expected to explore a "French Bakery" simulator for Disneyland Paris and a "Semi-Locked Down Retirement Community" for Disney World.
In what is being termed a "revolutionary effort" to revitalize Disney's ailing California Adventure theme park, the company announced plans to create a totally immersive beach and ocean simulator. The nearly five-minute attraction will feature the newest technology to make patrons feel that they are actually at the beach, including the sights, sounds, smells, and sensations they expect from a visit to the beach.
The park, located approximately forty miles from the Pacific Ocean and its hundreds of miles of largely pristine beaches, is expected to market the experience aggressively to native Californians as a "one-of-a-kind chance to walk on the beach." Target markets are primarily those living in communities such as Santa Monica -- a beachfront city where the average temperature is 77 year round -- and similar communities. "We don't think there's anything Santa Monicans will want to do more than drive through congested L.A. traffic for two hours to enjoy a relaxing day -- er, 278 seconds, give or take -- at the beach," said Disney spokeswoman Martha King.
If the attraction proves as popular as expected, Disney is expected to explore a "French Bakery" simulator for Disneyland Paris and a "Semi-Locked Down Retirement Community" for Disney World.
Tuesday, December 10, 2002
Applause Award Scandal: Busch Gardens Stripped of Title
In a shocking development that rocked the amusement park industry tonight, Busch Gardens Williamsburg was stripped of its honor as the 2002 Applause Award winner. The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) made the decision to strip an Applause Award winner of its crown for the first time in history because of the park’s “conduct unbecoming a worldwide representation of fun and wholesomeness.”
Although IAAPA did not officially list the particular reasons for Busch Gardens’s exit from the organization’s acclaim, ARN&R can exclusively report that the Williamsburg-based themer will be appearing in a sexy centerfold for the next issue of Amusement Business. An IAAPA source who demanded anonymity stated that “The rule guide for parks seeking this award clearly states what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for contestants. And explicit centerfolds involving Applause Award winners are certainly not acceptable.” The spokesman also added that the “hot park-on-park action,” featuring shots of coasters at both Busch Gardens Williamsburg and sister park Busch Gardens Tampa, was considered "incredibly tasteless” by the organization.
According to a statement by IAAPA, the Applause Award lauds an amusement park "whose management, operations, and creative accomplishments have inspired the industry with its foresight, originality and sound business development."
IAAPA announced that it will acknowledge a different park as the Applause Award winner for 2002: Maine’s Palace Playland. IAAPA officials claimed Palace Playland is the most logical choice to receive the highest and most respected honor bestowed upon amusement venues, as “[its] superior image, infrastructure, rides, theming, customer service, and entertainment package will distance IAAPA from such riffraff as Busch Gardens.” An organizational spokewoman added, “It was a really close vote anyway, so we feel Playland’s victory is an untainted one.”
In making its decision, IAAPA representatives stressed the small Maine seaside resort’s “only sort-of rusted and overbraked” production-model Galaxi coaster, “at least 37%-operable” fun house, “kind-of-nearby vagrant parking operations,” food that “verges on being fit for consumption by farm animals,” and “merely occasional open fistfights” as primary factors in the park’s being chosen.
When queried about the honor by ARN&R, an undisclosed Palace Playland employee stated, “I guess with all this extra attention, we’ll have to hire someone to hose down the bathrooms three or four times next season, huh?”
--JCK
In a shocking development that rocked the amusement park industry tonight, Busch Gardens Williamsburg was stripped of its honor as the 2002 Applause Award winner. The International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) made the decision to strip an Applause Award winner of its crown for the first time in history because of the park’s “conduct unbecoming a worldwide representation of fun and wholesomeness.”
Although IAAPA did not officially list the particular reasons for Busch Gardens’s exit from the organization’s acclaim, ARN&R can exclusively report that the Williamsburg-based themer will be appearing in a sexy centerfold for the next issue of Amusement Business. An IAAPA source who demanded anonymity stated that “The rule guide for parks seeking this award clearly states what is acceptable and what is not acceptable for contestants. And explicit centerfolds involving Applause Award winners are certainly not acceptable.” The spokesman also added that the “hot park-on-park action,” featuring shots of coasters at both Busch Gardens Williamsburg and sister park Busch Gardens Tampa, was considered "incredibly tasteless” by the organization.
According to a statement by IAAPA, the Applause Award lauds an amusement park "whose management, operations, and creative accomplishments have inspired the industry with its foresight, originality and sound business development."
IAAPA announced that it will acknowledge a different park as the Applause Award winner for 2002: Maine’s Palace Playland. IAAPA officials claimed Palace Playland is the most logical choice to receive the highest and most respected honor bestowed upon amusement venues, as “[its] superior image, infrastructure, rides, theming, customer service, and entertainment package will distance IAAPA from such riffraff as Busch Gardens.” An organizational spokewoman added, “It was a really close vote anyway, so we feel Playland’s victory is an untainted one.”
In making its decision, IAAPA representatives stressed the small Maine seaside resort’s “only sort-of rusted and overbraked” production-model Galaxi coaster, “at least 37%-operable” fun house, “kind-of-nearby vagrant parking operations,” food that “verges on being fit for consumption by farm animals,” and “merely occasional open fistfights” as primary factors in the park’s being chosen.
When queried about the honor by ARN&R, an undisclosed Palace Playland employee stated, “I guess with all this extra attention, we’ll have to hire someone to hose down the bathrooms three or four times next season, huh?”
--JCK
Sunday, December 08, 2002
Teenage Enthusiasts Sue Six Flags: Too Frightening
A lawsuit filed against Six Flags on behalf of eight frightened Georgian children is threatening to unleash a wave of class actions similar to those that have won huge pay-outs from the tobacco industry.
The suit brought by lawyer Sameole Hush is being heard in an Atlanta federal court -- the first time such a case has appeared before a US judge. The suit charges Six Flags with responsibility for the frightening of the eight plaintiffs, saying the thrill ride giant did not provide the necessary warnings regarding scariness associated with its attractions.
Lawyers acting for the coaster chain filed a motion for dismissal, arguing that the issue was one of individual choice and, therefore, there was no case to answer. "Every responsible person understands what is involved with thrill rides such as spinners and coasters, as well as the consequences to one's airtime," the motion said.
Hush, however, argued that aggressive advertising campaigns encouraged teenagers and compromised individual choice. Hush has already made it clear that if his suit goes to trial, he would seek to turn it into a class action on behalf of all Georgian children under the age of 18 who claim they got frightened from riding thrill rides at Six Flags.
George (Go Jo) Johnson, 13, 48", one of the eight children involved in the lawsuit claims, "Yeah, they have warnings all over the place: No Heart Problems; No Back Problems; No Outwardly Visible Psychological Problems; and, shoot, you can't even have a bun in the oven! Nowhere on the sign does it say, 'This ride may be considered frightening.'" Go Jo paused to take a deep breath. "The only other warning I noticed was the height restriction of 48 inches. And, boy, ... once I reached that height, ... slam! I was the first in line." Another deep, painful breath. "Who would have thought rides like '˜The Great American Scream Machine', 'Serial Thriller', 'Mind Eraser', or 'Acrophobia' would be scary!" After being shaken back into consciousness, Go Jo finished, "I can't count how many rides I've been on or how many times I've been frightened on any one of them."
The IAAPA has dismissed such lawsuits as frivolous and a blatant attempt to capitalize on the recent publicity given to the growing rates of popular thrill rides in the United States. However, the progress of the lawsuit will be closely watched by the amusement industry, which fears it could follow the tobacco sector in becoming the target of huge compensation claims from thrill-related lawsuits.
--RAS
A lawsuit filed against Six Flags on behalf of eight frightened Georgian children is threatening to unleash a wave of class actions similar to those that have won huge pay-outs from the tobacco industry.
The suit brought by lawyer Sameole Hush is being heard in an Atlanta federal court -- the first time such a case has appeared before a US judge. The suit charges Six Flags with responsibility for the frightening of the eight plaintiffs, saying the thrill ride giant did not provide the necessary warnings regarding scariness associated with its attractions.
Lawyers acting for the coaster chain filed a motion for dismissal, arguing that the issue was one of individual choice and, therefore, there was no case to answer. "Every responsible person understands what is involved with thrill rides such as spinners and coasters, as well as the consequences to one's airtime," the motion said.
Hush, however, argued that aggressive advertising campaigns encouraged teenagers and compromised individual choice. Hush has already made it clear that if his suit goes to trial, he would seek to turn it into a class action on behalf of all Georgian children under the age of 18 who claim they got frightened from riding thrill rides at Six Flags.
George (Go Jo) Johnson, 13, 48", one of the eight children involved in the lawsuit claims, "Yeah, they have warnings all over the place: No Heart Problems; No Back Problems; No Outwardly Visible Psychological Problems; and, shoot, you can't even have a bun in the oven! Nowhere on the sign does it say, 'This ride may be considered frightening.'" Go Jo paused to take a deep breath. "The only other warning I noticed was the height restriction of 48 inches. And, boy, ... once I reached that height, ... slam! I was the first in line." Another deep, painful breath. "Who would have thought rides like '˜The Great American Scream Machine', 'Serial Thriller', 'Mind Eraser', or 'Acrophobia' would be scary!" After being shaken back into consciousness, Go Jo finished, "I can't count how many rides I've been on or how many times I've been frightened on any one of them."
The IAAPA has dismissed such lawsuits as frivolous and a blatant attempt to capitalize on the recent publicity given to the growing rates of popular thrill rides in the United States. However, the progress of the lawsuit will be closely watched by the amusement industry, which fears it could follow the tobacco sector in becoming the target of huge compensation claims from thrill-related lawsuits.
--RAS
Saturday, December 07, 2002
SFKK Reps Announce New Coaster, Keep Straight Faces
At a press conference Friday, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom management announced the park’s new coaster. "Greezed Lightnin' will amaze and thrill guests with its ability to blast riders out of the coaster station at a lightnin'-fast rate of speed", said Lee Graham, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Managing to retain his composure despite nearly being reduced to fits of giggling, he added, "This powerful coaster is sure to generate excitement among coaster fans from all around the world."
Graham failed to mention that the “incredible new coaster thrill attraction” was actually a well-beaten, decades-old shuttle loop coaster that had run as the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America (1978-1991) and as Viper at Six Flags Over Georgia (1995-2001). He also neglected to inform his audience that the “innovative catapult mechanism that propels the coaster from zero to 60 miles per hour” was a mid-1970s innovation, and that it was attached to a ride that barely qualifies as a coaster, merely going through a loop once forward and once backward. He did, however, successfully stifle several potentially embarrassing guffaws with well-placed coughing fits.
Following the press conference, Lee Graham was seen collapsing with gales of laughter against SFKK Media Rep Amy Ballard-Riley, who was slapping her knee and visibly weeping tears of joy.
“How the hell did you keep from cracking up when you made that announcement?” reporters heard Graham shriek, mere instants before she crumpled to the ground in hysterical amusement.
--JCK
At a press conference Friday, Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom management announced the park’s new coaster. "Greezed Lightnin' will amaze and thrill guests with its ability to blast riders out of the coaster station at a lightnin'-fast rate of speed", said Lee Graham, vice-president and general manager of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Managing to retain his composure despite nearly being reduced to fits of giggling, he added, "This powerful coaster is sure to generate excitement among coaster fans from all around the world."
Graham failed to mention that the “incredible new coaster thrill attraction” was actually a well-beaten, decades-old shuttle loop coaster that had run as the Tidal Wave at Six Flags Great America (1978-1991) and as Viper at Six Flags Over Georgia (1995-2001). He also neglected to inform his audience that the “innovative catapult mechanism that propels the coaster from zero to 60 miles per hour” was a mid-1970s innovation, and that it was attached to a ride that barely qualifies as a coaster, merely going through a loop once forward and once backward. He did, however, successfully stifle several potentially embarrassing guffaws with well-placed coughing fits.
Following the press conference, Lee Graham was seen collapsing with gales of laughter against SFKK Media Rep Amy Ballard-Riley, who was slapping her knee and visibly weeping tears of joy.
“How the hell did you keep from cracking up when you made that announcement?” reporters heard Graham shriek, mere instants before she crumpled to the ground in hysterical amusement.
--JCK
Thursday, December 05, 2002
Supreme Court: Superman "Totally Not a Coaster"
In a sharply divided opinion, the United States Supreme Court declared last Wednesday that the Constitution mandates a finding that the launched ride Superman: The Escape at Six Flags Magic Mountain is in fact not a roller coaster.
The opinion stunned legal experts, most of whom had anticipated that the Court would conclude that the ride was, in fact, a roller coaster. Prior cases, including In re Dragon Coaster, in which the Court found that the popular children's ride -- fully powered throughout its circuit -- was a coaster, despite its lack of gravity power had strongly suggested that a similar result would be reached here.
However, Justice Breyer, writing for the Court, rejected that case and others like it as "wrongheaded, and wussy too." He argued for decisiveness and for the value of drawing bright lines in the Court's decisions of such critical cases.
Breyer pointed to the outrage and confusion following In re That Toboggan Ride Thing, in which the Court found the task of identifying a portable ride with certain coaster-like attributes too difficult and called it "sorta coaster-like": "Though these decisions may be difficult, and, indeed, though my discomfort in making these decisions is palpable, we just have to do so."
The vote was extremely close, with four justices dissenting vigorously from the majority opinion. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, joined by Chief Justice Rehnquist, agreed with Justice Breyer's desire for decisiveness but found the conclusion that Superman was not a coaster to be "laughable if it were not so sad a comment on the current Court and its stupid poopy-headed mind."
Justice O'Connor relied on evidence of the Founding Fathers' beliefs about coasters. She quoted letters from Alexander Hamilton and James Madison discussing the First Amendment, both using the phrase "Congress shall call anything that involves gravity, wheels, and seats a coaster."
"This," she concluded, "compels the conclusion that Superman: The Escape is absolutely a coaster, and anyone who says differently is just a coaster tool." Chief Justice Rehnquist filed a short opinion concurring with Justice O'Connor's, calling her opinion "awesome" and noting that he would be posting a link to it on Thrillnetwork.com's forums under his user name "Riding4Justice4Ever."
Justice Scalia also filed a dissenting opinion. His conclusion reads as follows: "My rodent-brained brethren fail to recognize the complete absurdity, stupidity, and irrelevance of their efforts. This Court must not waste its time attempting to resolve such petty issues. Our time could have been better spent in deciding a truly important question: Should all executives of Six Flags Parks be executed for their parking fees, or just enough to make an example of them? I grumpily dissent."
Legal experts expect the parking fees issue to reach the high court by late this year, but also anticipate a potential delay if Justice Thomas is allowed to talk to the cute parking attendant at Six Flags America while on a "factfinding visit."
In a sharply divided opinion, the United States Supreme Court declared last Wednesday that the Constitution mandates a finding that the launched ride Superman: The Escape at Six Flags Magic Mountain is in fact not a roller coaster.
The opinion stunned legal experts, most of whom had anticipated that the Court would conclude that the ride was, in fact, a roller coaster. Prior cases, including In re Dragon Coaster, in which the Court found that the popular children's ride -- fully powered throughout its circuit -- was a coaster, despite its lack of gravity power had strongly suggested that a similar result would be reached here.
However, Justice Breyer, writing for the Court, rejected that case and others like it as "wrongheaded, and wussy too." He argued for decisiveness and for the value of drawing bright lines in the Court's decisions of such critical cases.
Breyer pointed to the outrage and confusion following In re That Toboggan Ride Thing, in which the Court found the task of identifying a portable ride with certain coaster-like attributes too difficult and called it "sorta coaster-like": "Though these decisions may be difficult, and, indeed, though my discomfort in making these decisions is palpable, we just have to do so."
The vote was extremely close, with four justices dissenting vigorously from the majority opinion. Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, joined by Chief Justice Rehnquist, agreed with Justice Breyer's desire for decisiveness but found the conclusion that Superman was not a coaster to be "laughable if it were not so sad a comment on the current Court and its stupid poopy-headed mind."
Justice O'Connor relied on evidence of the Founding Fathers' beliefs about coasters. She quoted letters from Alexander Hamilton and James Madison discussing the First Amendment, both using the phrase "Congress shall call anything that involves gravity, wheels, and seats a coaster."
"This," she concluded, "compels the conclusion that Superman: The Escape is absolutely a coaster, and anyone who says differently is just a coaster tool." Chief Justice Rehnquist filed a short opinion concurring with Justice O'Connor's, calling her opinion "awesome" and noting that he would be posting a link to it on Thrillnetwork.com's forums under his user name "Riding4Justice4Ever."
Justice Scalia also filed a dissenting opinion. His conclusion reads as follows: "My rodent-brained brethren fail to recognize the complete absurdity, stupidity, and irrelevance of their efforts. This Court must not waste its time attempting to resolve such petty issues. Our time could have been better spent in deciding a truly important question: Should all executives of Six Flags Parks be executed for their parking fees, or just enough to make an example of them? I grumpily dissent."
Legal experts expect the parking fees issue to reach the high court by late this year, but also anticipate a potential delay if Justice Thomas is allowed to talk to the cute parking attendant at Six Flags America while on a "factfinding visit."
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Bush Takes Tough Stance on Inspections
Tensions escalated today as United Nations inspectors were initially turned away by armed guards posted at the gates of Funtown Pier, a small amusement area located in Seaside Park, New Jersey. Observers fear this latest confrontation is yet one more step leading to an armed showdown between the United States and the shoreline entertainment zone.
President George W. Bush declared that he was “not encouraged” that Funtown Pier would acknowledge its high coaster G-forces and avert war. Bush delivered his assessment at a Pentagon press conference after U.N. inspectors reported continued difficulties in their search of suspected violators of New Jersey’s G-force limitations.
“The inspectors are in New Jersey to examine possible amusement violations, not to play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with the owners of this park,” the president said, apparently maintaining his hard line against Funtown Pier. He added: "These gravityational, er, gravitronitional . . . these forces of mass destruction must not stand. Make no mistake."
The U.S. government has long maintained that Funtown Pier’s Roller Coast Loop, a production-model Pinfari Zyklon with a single inversion, has gravitational forces in excess of New Jersey’s legal limitations. After much posturing and threats of exclusion from the park’s owners, U.N. inspectors were finally allowed their first tests on the ride late in the afternoon.
Although Canada, France, and Britain have all expressed desire for a peaceful resolution to the current crisis, United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated this evening at the White House that “a full regime change at Funtown Pier may be the only option the United States can now consider viable.”
--JCK
Tensions escalated today as United Nations inspectors were initially turned away by armed guards posted at the gates of Funtown Pier, a small amusement area located in Seaside Park, New Jersey. Observers fear this latest confrontation is yet one more step leading to an armed showdown between the United States and the shoreline entertainment zone.
President George W. Bush declared that he was “not encouraged” that Funtown Pier would acknowledge its high coaster G-forces and avert war. Bush delivered his assessment at a Pentagon press conference after U.N. inspectors reported continued difficulties in their search of suspected violators of New Jersey’s G-force limitations.
“The inspectors are in New Jersey to examine possible amusement violations, not to play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with the owners of this park,” the president said, apparently maintaining his hard line against Funtown Pier. He added: "These gravityational, er, gravitronitional . . . these forces of mass destruction must not stand. Make no mistake."
The U.S. government has long maintained that Funtown Pier’s Roller Coast Loop, a production-model Pinfari Zyklon with a single inversion, has gravitational forces in excess of New Jersey’s legal limitations. After much posturing and threats of exclusion from the park’s owners, U.N. inspectors were finally allowed their first tests on the ride late in the afternoon.
Although Canada, France, and Britain have all expressed desire for a peaceful resolution to the current crisis, United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated this evening at the White House that “a full regime change at Funtown Pier may be the only option the United States can now consider viable.”
--JCK
Great Escape's New Coaster Ties Into Roots
(Queensbury, NY) Six Flags today announced a major new coaster to be constructed at The Great Escape theme park in the Adirondack hamlet of Queensbury. The coaster, to be named "StoryTown - The Awakening," takes its theme and location from the remaining original artifacts of the park's first incarnation as "StoryTown USA."
"We have been wanting to do something to both increase the visibility of our historic sections and offer an exciting new thrill ride to our patrons, especially since that Alpine Bobsled ride is down 90% of the time," said park spokesperson Jack Horner. "The new coaster, by Intamin, features three inversions, a high speed helix, and runs smack
through the middle of both the Wild West Village and the Story Town section -- you know, that part of the park that looks like Candy Land come to life? We've taken many of the Story Town houses and figures and used them as ride supports and elements."
Riders will board the coaster at The Crooked Man's crooked house, which is designed to disorient the rider. The coaster cars were formerly used as the Storytown train, guaranteeing the riders a "rickety wood coaster feel from a steel coaster track." says Horner. The cars proceed up the lift hill and descend 87 feet through the Old Woman in a Shoe's doorway ("better duck!") at a maximum speed of 55 miles per hour before entering a high-speed helix around the antique carousel. "We were hoping to have
a brass ring for the riders to grab, but when one of technicians tried it out we thought better of it," said Horner, who added that the technician was expected to make a full recovery from arm reattachment surgery.
The coaster then rambles through StoryTown proper, with various storybook characters on either side of the track that you can reach out and clop in the head, then on into the Wild West Shootout section of the park. Here, riders will thrill to an Immelman over the Dry Gulch Saloon, where former Marine spud-peeler and U.S. Congressman Jerry
Solomon's widow fires ("Don't worry, they're only blanks!" said Horner with a wink) at the coaster car with an Uzi while a taped voice of the Congressman bellows "because she has a right to defend herself and don't you forget it!" Survivors then will go through a double loop before cruising back into Storytown, where the train passes around Cinderella's horse-drawn carriage ride ("We're still working on the horses getting spooked," chuckles Horner) and into the brake run.
The coaster is scheduled to open on July 4th, unless the lawsuit settlements fall through. The park's former target audience of small children will be welcomed at a 100-square-foot section called "KidArea," featuring a trampoline and a three-hole miniature golf course.
--BRB
(Queensbury, NY) Six Flags today announced a major new coaster to be constructed at The Great Escape theme park in the Adirondack hamlet of Queensbury. The coaster, to be named "StoryTown - The Awakening," takes its theme and location from the remaining original artifacts of the park's first incarnation as "StoryTown USA."
"We have been wanting to do something to both increase the visibility of our historic sections and offer an exciting new thrill ride to our patrons, especially since that Alpine Bobsled ride is down 90% of the time," said park spokesperson Jack Horner. "The new coaster, by Intamin, features three inversions, a high speed helix, and runs smack
through the middle of both the Wild West Village and the Story Town section -- you know, that part of the park that looks like Candy Land come to life? We've taken many of the Story Town houses and figures and used them as ride supports and elements."
Riders will board the coaster at The Crooked Man's crooked house, which is designed to disorient the rider. The coaster cars were formerly used as the Storytown train, guaranteeing the riders a "rickety wood coaster feel from a steel coaster track." says Horner. The cars proceed up the lift hill and descend 87 feet through the Old Woman in a Shoe's doorway ("better duck!") at a maximum speed of 55 miles per hour before entering a high-speed helix around the antique carousel. "We were hoping to have
a brass ring for the riders to grab, but when one of technicians tried it out we thought better of it," said Horner, who added that the technician was expected to make a full recovery from arm reattachment surgery.
The coaster then rambles through StoryTown proper, with various storybook characters on either side of the track that you can reach out and clop in the head, then on into the Wild West Shootout section of the park. Here, riders will thrill to an Immelman over the Dry Gulch Saloon, where former Marine spud-peeler and U.S. Congressman Jerry
Solomon's widow fires ("Don't worry, they're only blanks!" said Horner with a wink) at the coaster car with an Uzi while a taped voice of the Congressman bellows "because she has a right to defend herself and don't you forget it!" Survivors then will go through a double loop before cruising back into Storytown, where the train passes around Cinderella's horse-drawn carriage ride ("We're still working on the horses getting spooked," chuckles Horner) and into the brake run.
The coaster is scheduled to open on July 4th, unless the lawsuit settlements fall through. The park's former target audience of small children will be welcomed at a 100-square-foot section called "KidArea," featuring a trampoline and a three-hole miniature golf course.
--BRB
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