Disney Studios Announces Long-Awaited Star Tours II

Reportedly years in development, the long-awaited update to Star Tours has been announced. The original Star Tours, located both at Disneyland and Disney Studios Theme Parks, was considered a groundbreaking simulator in its time, but has grown a bit long in the tooth in recent years. All that will change with the opening of Star Tours II: Darth Maul's Revenge.

"We've been working on this behind the scenes for about eight years now," said Imagineer Jeremy Miller. "Unfortunately, Disney management keeps reducing our budget year after year, and refuses to develop any of our concepts that don't involve gift shops and overpriced food, which really isn't the kind of stuff we took this job for. Star Tours II should be the ride that really puts Disney back at the top of the heap as far as innovative, cutting edge thrills, though."

ARN&R was able to confirm that the project has indeed undergone severe budget cuts over the years of development. In fact, 97% of the money available was spent on the guest shop revamp a few years back. We learned that the new attraction may be a bit more low tech than some Disney attractions, consisting only of a cabin that rocks guests back and forth as they view this exciting footage of some moron pretending to be Darth Maul with his own make-believe lightsaber. Regular guests will be able to view the standard ride, while resort guests will be provided with an upgraded ride experience that features better special effects and a soundtrack to accompany the moron's wacky antics with his throbbing rod.

"Okay, I admit it," said Miller after a moment. "The ride's going to suck. We have a few burly guys rocking a cabin around while some buffoon appears on a video and acts like a nimrod. I hate Disney. Why didn't I take that %&#$ing job at the Baltimore Aquarium instead?"

--JCK

Horrified Enthusiast Realizes Ozark Wildcat is Actual Roller Coaster

Hyperventilating with shock and outrage today, ACE member Willy Bobokins, 32, realized that the Ozark Wildcat attraction opening this spring at Celebration City is an actual functioning wood coaster. Bobokins joined the swelling ranks of ticked-off enthusiasts who aren't getting quite what they hoped for at the new amusement park.

"I'm pissed off," elaborated the unemployed dog catcher. "I got to attend a sneak preview at the park, but was horrified to learn what the new ride would be. I mean, I was expecting that maybe I would wait in line for six hours to experience an attraction that would shoot me up one big hill at 110 miles per hour and then be over about a second later. Or maybe I could wait four hours to ride something that blasted me back and forth really fast until I got sick. Or, better yet, I would have waited three days through copious technical troubles to get on some concoction that spun the coaster seats around really fast while the cars were negotiating a 200-foot dive."

Bobokins stated that "I was expecting something ridiculous and new. I don't ride anything that doesn't have some stupid gimmick. The ride better be over in three seconds, or possibly have such problems with all its spinning and bouncing mechanisms as to only be open about three minutes every other month. Deja Vu and Flashback are my idea of real rides, man. But stupid Celebration City went out and got a respected wood design firm to build a creative, fun, medium-sized woodie with lots of speed, some airtime, great direction changes, smooth tracking, and classic spiral drops for about one hundreth the cost of some big launched spinning gizmo that breaks down all the time. In other words, Celebration City bought an actual roller coaster. Boy does this park &$%#ing suck."

Bobokins also informed ARN&R that he thought Superman: The Ride of Steel would be way better with some loops, Holiday World blows because they don't have any big steel coasters, a Premier launched shuttle loop would have been a better use of the space wasted by Shivering Timbers, and the Beast is a great coaster with lots of airtime.

--JCK

Cedar Point Staves Off Urine Flood With Bathroom Passes

Facing what employees called an “a veritable Armageddon of free-flowing enthusiast urine,” Cedar Point has begun offering bathrooms passes to riders queued up for the four-to-six-hour wait for the new Top Thrill Dragster attraction. As expected, throngs of eager passengers have deluged the TTD station all day, and the three trains are unable to match the demand. “The first day, we witnessed thousands of Pepsi-engorged bladders swelling to the breaking point and finally unleashing their contents all over the walkways,” said CP spokesperson Robin Innes. “It appears that most enthusiasts can hold their water until about the third hour, then they just give up and start hosing the pavement down.”

Innes added that the amount of liquid produced was “strongly reminiscent of the great flood that Noah escaped. Except, of course, that was water instead of piss.”

Cedar Point did react to the situation in a novel fashion. After having all plant life within approximately 600 square yards of the TTD station house destroyed by the high-acid Mountain Dew-infused urine all day, the park decided the next day to begin handing out bathroom passes to those in line. Said Innes, "We knew it was going to be a long wait, so we tried to make our guests as comfortable as possible. We gave them passes to get back in line."

While the plan has proved successful, at least in the sense that enthusiasts are not soiling their tighty-whiteys, and the plants and benches around them, the actual operation of the bathroom-pass-giving has encountered some controversy.

“The bathroom pass is intended only as an emergency pass,” said Ms. Graverson, a stern middle-aged schoolmarm. “Only enthusiasts who feel they will throw up or are really in danger of making peepee or poopoo in their pants are supposed to be able to use the pass. It’s not supposed to be an excuse to miss class or roam the hallways unsupervised. Most people are perfectly capable of waiting until the bell rings.” Graverson then paused to primly rap her yardstick across the knuckles of an enthusiast who was picking his nose nearby.

“Just an hour ago, I caught three enthusiasts abusing their bathroom pass privileges by hanging out in a stall smoking,” said line monitor Helen Ratchett. “These passes were intended to help people feel more comfortable, not to be used as an excuse for lighting up, making out, or riding other coasters. Enthusiasts may take a pass, walk briskly to the nearest restroom, urinate, wash their hands, and walk briskly back to the line. Anyone caught doing anything else will be sent immediately to detention, which for our purposes is a full day strapped into the back seat of Mean Streak.”

“I don’t like the way they run these passes,” whined enthusiast Peter Wolf, 41. “Ms. Tammy’s class always gets to go bathroom when they want, but Ms. Whitehurst won’t let anyone out except between periods. It’s not fair.” Others were even less fortunate. Chris Grueninger, 29, was caught sneaking back into line without a bathroom pass after he claimed “he couldn’t hold it until it was his turn after recess” and was savagely paddled by the principal before being sent home with a note to his mommy. Coasterbuzz’s Xfan used his bathroom pass as an opportunity to masturbate three times while admiring the Snoopy and Linus mascots, and then take a monster dump, and he was suspended from Cedar Point for a week. “It’s simply not fair to others in line to keep the bathroom pass for three hour,” said Innes. “We like to teach sharing and/or caring at our institution.”

“As long as everyone patiently waits for their turn to make peepee and then go to the restroom only when they are given the bathroom pass, this program will work out just great,” said Innes. “Despite some difficulties with a few enthusiasts, most are already accepting the program wholeheartedly. And it’s sure helping us out…whereas yesterday I had to pontoon my way across the plaza to visit the ride ops at Top Thrill Dragster, today there are only a few scattered yellow puddles here and there to step over. We’re back on track, and ready to welcome trillions of customers again tomorrow!”

--JCK

[Editor’s Note: Yes. Three articles in a row about TTD. You caught us. We suck. However, it does give us one more opportunity to mention that we have a t-shirt picturing a dude pissing on TTD itself, which is very similar to enthusiasts pissing on themselves in line. And if you were in line for TTD before they started giving out bathroom passes, you owe it to yourself and your urine-discolored boxers to keep that special moment alive with our amusing yet fairly tasteless apparel at Ye Olde Reliable Shoppe!]

Hoover Sues Cedar Fair Over Copyright/Patent Infringement

Hoover International, the makers of fine vacuum equipment for more than 75 years, has filed suit in a federal court claiming Cedar Fair has breached patent copyright laws with the design of their newest attraction: Top Thrill Dragster.

"We are not saying the ride 'sucks' like our vacuum products," claims Peter Puller, a representative for Hoover International. "However, after bringing my 11 year old daughter to Cedar Point for the opening of this 2003 season, I couldn't help but notice the flagrant disregard of copyright/patent civility with the design of their newest attraction, Top Thrill Dragster."

Shanequa Aqua Greensfielder, an attorney for Hoover International, registered exhibit "A" with the federal court today showing claims of Hoover's original advertising scheme of 0-120mph in under one second and a 42" hose tube. "This obviously was reflected in the design scheme of TTD with their 0-120mph speed and 420' high tower," continued Greensfielder. "[T]his infringement is malicious, atrocious, underhanded and downright sinful! We are not only going after Cedar Fair, we will also be attacking Cedar Point directly, as well as Intamin, the original designers, a random Dippin' Dots guy, and ‘Joe,’ the guy who pissed on the wall...no one shall escape our wrath!"

Hoover International also plans lawsuits around this great country of ours attacking such parks as Tennessee's Libertyland, Six Flags' Great Adventure, Paramount's Carowinds and Disney's California Adventure (to name quite a few), for containing rides that do 'suck.'

-RAS

[Editor's Note: Yes, we know we posted two consectutive Top Thrill Dragster articles. After all, the opening of this 5-second ride is the single most important event in the history of mankind, and deserves to be feted and fawned over by every website on the planet for the rest of eternity. Or something. In any case, go buy that t-shirt of the guy pissing on the most important thing ever constructed by the hand of man. You know you want it.]

Top Thrill Dragster, Sandusky Condom Sales Linked

In the current financial quarter, both Cedar Fair and Sandusky condom profits hit five-year highs, a substantial and rapid growth acknowledged by representatives of Cedar Fair and Sheik as "extremely pleasing." Although many news organizations have failed to acknowledge the link between the phenomena, ARN&R has unearthed evidence demonstrating that the two come hand in hand. Local Sandusky women told ARN&R that "there's just something about the look of Dragster that Thrills us."

It's seems the 420-foot-high phallus (AKA Top Thrill Dragster) standing high over Sandusky Bay has increased condom sales tenfold as of late. "There is just something about the glow," says Anne Heitz. "Of course, we must remember to practice safe sex at times like these, but man, that gargantuan glowing shaft really gets me going."

The number one selling variety seems to be Trojan Magnums, as this is, according to massive throbbing member experts, "one giant lightning rod sticking into the sky." Asked about the phenomenon, local convenience store owner Abi Abudabababadibuda said, "Our sales quadrupled upon the announcement of Top Thrill Dragster and since then have continued to skyrocket."

The Sandusky Police Dept. has been dispatched to Battery Park numerous times in the last month. Officer Bob Uleime said "Something about the beautiful glistening shaft shining into the sky at night has really revved things up. Why, just last week we took into our custody a couple who were arrested by Cedar Point Police for indecent exposure in front of a web camera at Cedar Point."

Roller coaster enthusiasts have come from across the country in hopes of finally getting some from the residents of Sandusky. William Wisselboi said, "Oh, it is just splendid. I may finally become a real man after all these decades, under the moonlight glow of a gigantic pillar of manly power."

Cedar Point official Dick Kinzel refused to acknowledge the remarkable coincidence between new condom sales and the construction of Top Thrill Dragster, nor would he even admit off the record that the ride is strongly reminiscent of a giant schlong. However, he did confirm that he is "not remotely intimidated by the spectacular height and girth of TTD," and also assured ARN&R that the ride was definitely not, as some had feared, "ribbed for her pleasure."

--BCK

[Editor's Note: If that huge shaft thrusting through the air at Cedar Point is making your lover question your manhood on a nightly basis, get back at it by purchasing one of our excellent t-shirts showing a dude pissing on Top Thrill Dragster. It'll still have a bigger package than you by several hundred feet, but you'll feel a little better about yourself.]

Redneck Parks Square Off on Springer

On today’s Jerry Springer show, titled “I’m in a Bizarre Love Triangle With My Uncle and Cousin,” small redneck amusement parks Lake Winnepesaukah and Conneaut Lake were the featured guests. Observers of the show rated the episode one of the best in Springer history for its substantial amount of cat fighting, trash talk, and shocking gross-out moments.

The segment began with Lake Winnepesaukah confessing the forbidden love it was sharing with Conneaut Lake. “We first cousins, so we had to sneak out behind our mommas backs ever since we was 12 to go (obscenity) out back of the outhouse down the block. Now I’m here to tell momma and the whole world about our love and if they don’t like it they can (obscenity) theyselfs.” At this, the audience broke into a rambunctious chant of “Incest whore! Incest whore!” after which Lake Winnie yelled to them, “you best talk to the hand, you best talk to the hand! You all don’t know me. You just jealous cause you don’t get to (obscenity) none of this (obscenity).” Lake Winnie then dropped its pants before a booing and laughing crowd before being gently led to its seat by Springer bodyguard Steve.

Following the commercial break, Conneaut Lake came on the set and engaged in grotesque tongue kissing and body rubbing with Lake Winnie. After the pair sat down, revelations began. Although Lake Winnie thought the pair was appearing on the show to confess their incestuous love, Conneaut Lake had brought Winnie on to announce that it was also having sex with Visionland. “Oh, sick!” yelled Winnie. “That you uncle! You (several obscenities) my daddy, you sick (really awful obscenity)? You (obscenity) uncle (obscenity)!” Winnie immediately gave a vicious pimp slap to Conneaut Lake, who responded by ripping Lake Winnie’s shirt off and pulling its hair. Steve was forced to drag the two apart with help from two other guards.

The love triangle grew more sordid with the introduction of Visionland, who, after fighting off a slap assault by Lake Winnepesaukah, told Conneaut Lake that it was “tired of (obscenity) its fat (obscenity) and it had a saggy, stupid ass and was a white trash (obscenity).” Visionland then went backstage and brought out its 11-year-old daughter Old Town, whom it proposed to onstage and gave a sloppy tongue kiss as Old Town ran its fingers through Visionland’s luxuriant mullet.

A total free-for-all of fighting and (almost completely bleeped) screaming consumed the remaining three minutes of show time. Springer concluded the show with pithy words of wisdom: “We all face our lives in different ways. Although some of us may not understand a trashy amusement park marrying its daughter or loving its uncle right, these are just different ways of expressing devotion. We can only hope that such incestuous displays don’t continue the cycle of anger and violence these parks seem to feel, and that they can come to grips with these events and move on with their seasons. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you.”

--JCK

North Carolinian Warlord Lays Down Gauntlet

Kenny Bob Long III, feared dictator of the North Carolina portion of Paramount's Carowinds, escalated that park's ongoing crisis by making what he deemed the "final" offer. "If Paramount does not provide this part of the park full funding for a dramatic expansion of the Dippin' Dots franchises, the good people of North Carolina will have no choice but to consider usage of the funnel cakes for which we now have all of the necessary ingredients," said chief negotiator Billy Ray Robert. Long added in a written statement: "The suppression of the People's Republic of Northern Carowinds by the aggressors south of here must end, and our possession of flour, powdered sugar, and certain artificial flavorings will help us end that suppression."

The park has been a simmering hotbed of tension ever since Long acknowledged that the insular North Carolina part of the park had been developing a funnel cake program for several years, despite an agreement that such development would be put on hold in return for full funding for the northern shows, in particular Long's favorite, "I Married My Cousin and Didn't Have No Mutants As Kids!," a rollicking musical romp through the culture of North Carolina. Despite that agreement, operatives from Paramount headquarters determined that the funnel cakes were not solely in South Carolina, and indeed, that North Carolina had purchased the key ingredients from rogue parks such as the now-defunct Race World in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

The free-market South Carolina portion of the park, with its thriving economy based largely on high-tech (on-ride photos) and the arts (caricatures and "old-time" photography) has been living in fear of a full-blown funnel cake onslaught, and has been dependent on Paramount Parks to prevent catastrophe. With Long's ongoing threats and ever-more-quirky behavior (including a recent proposal to replace the water in the Flying Super Saturator with calf's blood), that fear has been increased.

Gary Slade, publisher of Amusement Today, has been called in to mediate the dispute, but experts fear that he will merely distract the parties with his constant barrage of grammatical and spelling errors.

For Second Straight Year, Cedar Point Reaches Finals

In last night’s playoff action, Cedar Point held off a late rally from Paramount’s King’s Island to earn the Eastern Conference crown and face off next week in a highly anticipated rematch of last year’s final. Once again, the Point will square off against Six Flags Magic Mountain for the theme park crown.

“I want to shout out and give thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this great victory, because I know He was with us and will bring us a championship,” said Point guard Troy Hudson. “We came to play, we brought our game face out, and we were the most G’d up tonight.”

The Point almost didn’t return to the finals. After leading their series with PKI three games to one, Cedar Point seemed to relax, and allowed the tough Islanders to dominate them in the next two face/offs. However, the Point, despite facing the scoring of Dirk “Beast” Nowitski and the mad airtime of Tracy “The Vortex” McGrady, outlasted a final last-minute barrage of PKI outside shooting to win 116-112. Shaquille “Mean Streak” O’Neal led the Point with 40 points, while Ben “The Raptor” Wallace notched a timely triple-double to help lead the team to victory.

Cedar Point moves on to play a SFMM team that has won two straight championships, but has looked surprisingly vulnerable this playoff season. In the first round, it took SFMM seven games to earn victory against the undermanned but scrappy eighth seed Family Kingdom, who was led by Swamp “The Answer” Fox and his absurd 38.5 point per game average for the series. After a relatively easy victory over Sea World Texas, the conference final was an epic battle, including five overtime games, which SFMM barely won from a tough young Holiday World squad.

Pregame hype for the championship has already begun. “Last year, Magic Mountain handed us our big Dr. Seuss hat and mopped the park urinals with us,” said Cedar Point coach George Karl. “We had our chances in that series, but the more we tightened our grasp, the more they slipped through our fingers. We’re going to finish this off and do it right this year so that fans of Cedar Point, the best fans on Earth, can celebrate a world championship with their team. We are the Millennium Force!”

--JCK

Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of North...er..." (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."

--JCK

ARN&R Weather Update

It was just gorgeous here at ARN&R Towers over the weekend. Naturally, that means we prepared four -- yes, four! -- pieces for your edification since Friday afternoon. So be sure to scroll down to see 'em all. And buy stuff. If you get yourself on any nationally-televised amusement-park-related television show wearing ARN&R stuff, we'll...um. Send you more stuff. Or something.