Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma
A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.
“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.
CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baño for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”
He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”
Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.
--JCK
Tuesday, June 24, 2003
Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure
Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."
Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.
"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"
Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.
"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.
--JCK
Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."
Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.
"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"
Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.
"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.
--JCK
Friday, June 20, 2003
Ruben Claims Thirty-Four World Records
On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.
"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.
"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.
Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.
On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.
"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.
"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.
Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.
Holy Land Experience Theme Park to Add Thrill Rides
In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."
The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.
The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.
The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"
"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."
--RAS
In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."
The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.
The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.
The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"
"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."
--RAS
Wednesday, June 18, 2003
Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra
Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.
Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."
Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"
When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."
--JCK
Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.
Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."
Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"
When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."
--JCK
Tuesday, June 17, 2003
National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives Announces Planned Gravy Exhibit
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
In the May-June issue of ACE News, which, remarkably, arrived during one of the identified months, many enthusiasts' questions about the National Roller Coaster Museum and Archives ("NRCMA") (associated with the American Coaster Enthusiasts [ACE]) were answered.
The most important question answered? That's easy: "How the heck can NRCMA fully recognize the contribution that gravy and gravy-related products have made to ACE and, more generally, coaster enthusiasts?"
Wherever the NRCMA facility will end up, we can now be assured that it will contain a significant and historically exhaustive look at gravy, including a high-tech interactive mammoth gravy boat.
"It's important to us that gravy be recognized," said Carole Sanderson, ACE Dictator-for-Life. "Sure, the buffets more broadly are also important -- and that's recognized by the fact that fully sixty-five percent of our museum's space will be devoted to three separate buffet-based restaurants, including Old Country Buffet, Huge-Ass-Creating Buffet, and All-You-Can-Gorge-Yourself-On Buffet -- but gravy is really in a class by itself."
Reports indicate that the gravy exhibit will be a walk-through, but, recognizing the effects of its subject, a moving walkway will also be available for those who tire easily.
The first room will have a inch-by-inch recreation of the first ACE buffet at which gravy was served (in mid-1979), as lovingly documented in the Robb Alvey film Gravy Memories, produced by Ken Burns. Alvey will have a central role in designing the room, as he possesses the only known footage of the revered first gravy serving.
The next room, called "Gravy: the Semi-Liquid Substance that Brings Us Together," will have a timeline of gravy through the years and, on weekends only, opportunities to sample all the gravy, from the "Greed Gravy" of the 1980s to the "Gravy.com" of the late '90s...and, of course, the "XTreme Gravy" of 2002. Visitors will be strictly limited to two quarts of gravy per visit.
After a series of small rooms where visitors are surrounded by holograms and wax figures of ACErs eating glass after glass of gravy, the exhibit concludes with the Gravy Boat Ride. In this special attraction, designed for free by Sally Corp., visitors will enter a small indoor water park, but this will be no run-of-the-mill water park. Instead, all 20,000 square feet will be in the shape of an enormous gravy boat and, instead of chlorinated and sanitized water, the attraction will use genuine pork gravy. (During Lent and certain other religious holidays, a soy-based gravy will be used.)
"And the greatest part," exclaimed Sanderson, "is that every single patron will be naked!"
The museum is scheduled to open in 2008. Invitations to the premiere are expected to arrive three months after the event.
Monday, June 16, 2003
Patriot Organization Targets Six Flags
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
--MMS
The John Birch Society recently issued a warning to readers of its magazine, The New American, citing Six Flags Theme Parks as "suspiciously Communist."
The author, Chad T. Johnson, describes a typical day at a SF Theme Park: “After giving away the right to freely come and go by paying admission, patrons are subjected to constant queueing, much like in Communist Russia.” The article goes on to speculate that the theme parks are “Communist Training Centers” that are being used to dull true Americans' senses and fool them into believing that a great reward (i.e., a roller coaster ride) awaits them at the end of the line. Johnson also makes note of the student work-exchange program at Six Flags parks, which he claims are “dominated by young people from the Eastern Bloc, in an obvious attempt to confuse Americans into thinking that Communist values go hand in hand with Bugs Bunny and ‘Great America.’”
“Today, it’s funnel cakes – but tomorrow, these same people will be lining up for toilet paper!” said an anonymous member of the organization, known generally for its completely bat-sh*t insane members, interviewed at a local chapter near Appleton, Wisconsin. “Isn’t it disturbing that nearly 98% of US Citizens are within an eight hour drive from un-American activity such as this? Six Flags must be stopped!”
Gary Story, President and Chief Operating Officer for Six Flags, made this statement: “No Comment. Comrade.”
--MMS
Coaster Tools Spotted At Indiana Beach
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
--MEC
Sources tell ARN&R that high school coaster enthusiast and Supreme Judge of Coaster Toolitude Daria (“Cha-cha-cha”) Doorhouse spotted many a tool at Indiana Beach the Sunday following Stark Raven Mad.
“I was just going there to score some rides on Cornball and Lost Coaster, but I was so appalled by what I saw while in line that I almost had to leave,” she said, clutching her CoasterBuzz Barbie doll closely. “I’m not really sure what ride number it was, because my little metal clicker is only used to count rides on the Michigan’s Adventure Corkscrew, the bestest, way totally coolest ride on the planet…Oh My God did you hear how I hit 1000 last summer!!!! Soooo coooooooool!"
“In case you were wondering, I keep track of my daily laps on a tally counter, and then record them in an Excel document. Usually I totally include the date, who went with me, number of laps, total laps in the season, and total laps overall. Although, occasionally I do tell maintenance what to do,” she gloated, and then for apparently no reason added, “Like, Oh my GOD!!!”
Doorhouse went on to say, “I was like there at IB with a few of my friends [Author note: being a teenage enthusiast and also having a vagina immediately warrants you your very own posse] when, in a switchback in front of us, there were these four…TOOLS!"
“There they were, just standing there, having a conversation that didn’t really involve roller coasters at all, wearing these cargo shorts and normal, non-coaster shirts. At first I wasn’t sure, but I immediately realized what they were once one of them started making fun of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom.”
When reached for comment, one of the obvious tools said, “Wait, you mean this little girl called me a tool? Are we talking about the same girl with the clicker, and the CoasterBuzz Barbie doll that she was carrying on all the rides? Wasn’t she wearing a BEASTIE shirt that day?”
--MEC
Saturday, June 14, 2003
Snoopy Arrested On Charges Of Public Lewdness
Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."
"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."
Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."
Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."
After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.
--JWS
Peanuts character Snoopy was arrested Thursday, June 12th and charged with public lewdness after he allegedly tried to hump the legs of several ACE members as they waited in line to ride Woodstock Express, a family roller coaster located in the Camp Snoopy section of Dorney Park in Allentown, Pennsylvania.
ACE member Bernie McLeland told ARN&R, "We were all just standing there in line, minding our own business, arguing about whether Woodstock Express should count as a credit or not, which of course it should, but Fred is a total idiot and says it shouldn't because it's small, but c'mon, it's got a lift and it's powered by gravity after the hill, so how can it not be a coaster?, when, all of a sudden, Snoopy snuck up on us from behind and started rubbing up and down on our legs."
"It was quite a traumatic experience, and yet strangely sensual at the same time," said Fred Gringle, another ACE member involved in the attack. "I remember when I sat next to Emma Franklin at the buffet back at CoasterCon -- oh, man, what a great buffet it was -- and I thought she was rubbing up against my legs. That was awesome, even though it turns out it was the huge guy across the way. Anyway, this felt sort of like that."
Shelly Steiner, a park guest who was standing in line behind the accosted ACE members, was not at all surprised at Snoopy's purported public displays of affection. "Have you seen some of those ACE members?" asked Shelly. "They are, like, totally hot. Big, beefy boys in their jean jackets with all of those patches, yum-my! I can totally see why Snoopy would try to toss them a bone."
Snoopy maintains his innocence, insisting that he was the victim of a practical joke gone horribly wrong. "I don't know what came over me," Snoopy said. "Peppermint Patty must have slipped Viagra into my water dish again. Peppermint Patty is always pulling pranks on the other members of the Peanuts gang, like the time she pantsed Charlie Brown right in front of that little red haired girl. She can be very cruel."
After posting bail, Snoopy was released on Friday morning from the Allentown Police Department. Police and Dorney Park officials are still investigating the incident. A full report is expected to be released sometime next week.
--JWS
Friday, June 13, 2003
Paramounts Kings Dominion To Install "Wedgie Cams" On Drop Zone Ride
In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.
Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.
"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."
Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.
Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.
Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."
"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."
Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."
The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.
--JWS
[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]
In order to substantiate claims that the new 305-foot tall Drop Zone Stunt Tower at Paramounts Kings Dominion causes instant wedgies to riders during its 72 mile-per-hour rapid descent, park officials have announced that they will be installing "Wedgie Cams" onto all 56 seats of the world-record-breaking drop ride.
Flapjack Fishhead, media relations spokesperson for Kings Dominion, recently chatted with ARN&R about this exciting new addition to the newly opened Drop Zone ride.
"The cams will use the latest in infrared and X-ray technology to 'see through' the pants of riders," explained Fishhead. "They will be aimed right at the crotches of guests and will show with great clarity and amazing detail how quickly a rider's underwear is sucked right up their butt crack during the ride's high speed descent."
Fishhead went on to say, "The cameras will broadcast a continuous streaming video feed that can be viewed either on Kings Dominion's Web site or on various closed-circuit television monitors located throughout the Drop Zone queue and all around the rest of the park. As an added bonus, guests will even be able to purchase souvenir ride photos of their undies stuck up their hineys! Is this a great country that we are living in, or what?" Fishhead added that the park was considering proposals to sell the best wedgie photos to various fetish web sites.
Paramount decided to install the "Wedgie Cams" in response to the allegations of deceptive advertising brought against them by rival theme park chain, Six Flags.
Six Flags America Vice-President and General Manager, Janet Porter, said in a prepared statement, "We think that it is absolutely unacceptable that Paramounts Kings Dominion would make such a ridiculous assertion as the one they have made recently about their new Drop Zone tower ride. It is obvious to us that they are exaggerating the thrill of their lackluster new ride by insinuating that all riders will experience an instant wedgie while on the ride. Why, I'll bet that that drop ride in their commercial is not even really in the park! In fact, if I'm not mistaken, I do believe that the drop ride featured in their commercial is actually a digitally altered version of our 'Hellevator' drop ride located at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom."
"The Six Flags Corporation would never stoop so low as Paramount Parks has," Porter continued. "We pride ourselves on our completely accurate and always truthful advertising. If you see a ride in a Six Flags America commercial, then you can bet your bottom dollar that you'll find that ride at Six Flags America. And, furthermore, if Six Flags tells that you one of our roller coasters will give you a swirlie every time you ride it, then by golly, you better believe that it will. After all, our reputation and good name are at stake."
Fishhead had no response to what he termed as Porter's "incessant meandering and ranting."
The "Wedgie Cams" are expected to be operational on the first day of summer, June 21, 2003. Starting on that date, in order to avoid potentially embarrassing video of your private parts from being broadcast around the park and around the world, Kings Dominion strongly advises that all guests planning to ride the Drop Zone Stunt Tower wear underwear, preferably clean underwear.
--JWS
[Ed. Note: Avoid embarrassment -- wear ARN&R underwear! We've got a tasteful thong and comfy boxers.]
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