Mullet Proclaimed Official Hairstyle Of Kennywood Park

Jerome Gibas, vice-president and general manager of Kennywood Park, has proclaimed the mullet to be the official hairstyle of the 105-year-old traditional amusement park located in West Mifflin, Pennsylvania.

In an exclusive interview with ARN&R, Mr. Gibas revealed why Kennywood decided to magnify the mullet to "super-style" status.

"The mullet is very special to Pittsburgh area residents," stated Jerome. "What hairstyle could better exemplify the small town look and feel of a wonderful classic amusement park like Kennywood? Before we settled on the mullet, we had considered immortalizing other hairstyles, like the flattop or the kinky perm, but none of the others seemed to reach out to us the way that that the mullet did. The mullet is such an attractive and versatile haircut. It looks good on men. It looks good on women. Hell, it even looks good on children. We are truly honored to feature the mullet as the official hairstyle of Kennywood Park."

In celebration of Kennywood's official new "do," the park will feature "Mullet Mark Down Days" every Thursday in July and August. All guests wearing a mullet hairdo will get half-price admissions to the park on those days. As a bonus, any guest with a mullet and a rat-tail will get the half-price admission, plus they'll get a coupon good for half off the purchase of Kennywood's latest delicious snack bar confection, the deep fried chocolate covered white fudge macadamia nut brownie.

Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom is reportedly considering legal action to prevent Kennywood from advertising itself as the Mullet Capital of the Amusement World. According to sources, SFKK contends that such a claim would be false advertising given the daily volume and quality of mullets at that park.

UPDATE: Our top-secret news sources recently informed us that 2004 will be "The Year Of The Mullet" at Kennywood Park. There will be special mullet-related shows and events happening all season long like the "Mullet Madness Musical Revue" and "The 1st Annual Miss Mullet" competition. The most exciting news of all, however, is that Kennywood has contracted with the Sally Corporation to develop a new custom interactive dark ride called the "Mighty Amazing Mullet Ride." Passengers will be armed with "interactive scissors" and will attempt to cut their way through mountains of hair in an effort to sculpt the perfect mullet.

--JWS

ARN&R Exclusive: TTD to be Replaced

ARN&R has learned in an exclusive story that Cedar Point has decided to tear down its troubled Top Thrill Dragster launched coaster by the end of July. "Yep, a few weeks of downtime made us realize that it just wasn't worth the trouble," said Dick Kinzel, head of Cedar Fair, Cedar Point's parent entity.

To replace TTD, Cedar Point has tentatively settled on the world's largest, fastest, tallest, and most futuristic Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future stand, backed up against a similarly huge Old Time Pictures stand. In a draft press release obtained by ARN&R, Kinzel is quoted as saying, "If you thought Top Thrill Dragster was intense during its fifteen hours of operation, just wait until you see this ice cream! It's XTreme!"

The stands will likely be rebranded. Rather than being identified simply as "Dippin' Dots Ice Cream of the Future," it will now be "XDippin XDots: XTreme Thrill X Cream of the XTreme Future," and the Old Time Pictures stand will likely offer the opportunity, through advanced digital technology, for patrons to have a picture taken so that they appear to be standing atop a 420-foot coaster, one that Cedar Point describes as "fantastical" and "so crazy as to be fictional."

Enthusasts were ecstatic over the news. "Once again, Cedar Point raises the bar," wrote ThrillNetwork regular MeanLeak. "I just can't wait to see what those poseurs at Magic Mountain do in response to this. Pure brilliance."

Universal Studios Theme Park Strives To Add Realism To Their Studio Parks

Guests at the Universal Studios theme parks in Hollywood and Orlando will soon see several new additions to both parks' "city streets." In an effort to make the city scenery seem more realistic and believable, Universal is adding panhandlers at every corner and at least one hooker at every intersection.

The make believe bums will be easily recognizable with their bedraggled clothes and crudely lettered cardboard signs. They will beg park patrons for spare change, leer maniacally at busty young women and urinate on themselves or the pavement quite frequently in order to make themselves seem all that more believable. Guests too stubborn to part with their pocket change will get an extra special surprise treat in the form of a "loogie" being "hocked" upon them by the feisty fake freeloaders.

The counterfeit call girls will be a little bit harder to spot since they will blend in with many of Universal's usual female guests. They will strut along the street corners hurling insults at male guests' wives or girlfriends and "flipping the bird" to anyone who gives them a disparaging glance. They will also offer free samples of their "goods and services" to the first ten guests daily who can actually discern them from the regular crowd of "interesting" women that frequent the Universal Studios parks.

Universal is not stopping there though. Their artists are also decorating the streets and sidewalks to truly make guests feel like they never left their hometown. They have recently been very busy laying down miscellaneous litter, broken bottles, used hypodermic needles, used contraceptives, human and animal feces, old mattresses and discarded major appliances. In addition, they have been spray-painting obscenities and lewd pictures onto various buildings throughout their parks in order to complete the illusion.

Universal anticipates introducing their newest street performers steadily throughout the summer months. Auditions will be held on Tuesday mornings starting on July 8th. All interested persons should contact the Universal Studios theme parks division human resources department or stop by the guest services booth at any Universal theme park.

--JWS

Whitewater West Industries To Introduce Spinning Rapids Restroom Ride

Canada's Whitewater West Industries, creators of the fun and hugely popular spinning rapids flume rides showing up at some Six Flags theme parks this year, are hard at work on their next major thrill ride concept, 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

In an effort to expand theme park fun beyond its traditional boundaries, Whitewater is focusing on raising the thrill factor in other areas of the amusement park besides the usual thrill-packed midway rides and attractions.

Surveys conducted by Whitewater found that theme park guests spend an average of thirty-three minutes per day in the park's restrooms. (It should be noted that, for reasons unknown, the same research demonstrates that guests at Six Flags parks spend a significantly higher portion of their day in the restroom than guests at other parks do.) Based on this statistic, Whitewater set out to develop an attraction to optimize that restroom time and make it just as thrilling as every other minute spent in the park. The result of Whitewater's quest for restroom thrills is 'The Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride.'

Guests take their seats on what appears to be just a normal toilet. It's white, it's porcelain and it's full of water, but that is where the similarities end. As soon as guests park their rears, the real fun begins. The water starts swirling, slowly building up momentum until it becomes a raging whirl of white water rapids. Geysers shoot up in all directions soaking riders with urine-enhanced splashes, sprays and spouts. Then, for the coup de grace, the toilet starts spinning, ever so slightly at first. As the toilet accelerates, high-speed wind machines strategically hidden throughout the restroom provide a very realistic hurricane-force wind shear that sprays water and human feces out in all directions.

"It is a very climactic finish to one hell of a great ride," boasted Stuart Burns, vice president and general manager of Whitewater. "We are very confident that the Toilet Tornado will leave your guests screaming for more, or at least screaming. Trust us, they will want to ride the Toilet Tornado again and again. Expect your guests' T.S.I.B. [Ed.: time-spent-in-bathrooms] to increase dramatically."

The 'Whirling Twirling White Water Toilet Tornado Ride' prototype is currently being tested at Whitewater's corporate offices in Richmond, British Columbia, Canada. Tests are going extremely well and Whitewater plans to start installing the Toilet Tornados in parks as early as spring, 2004.

Hersheypark will be the first park to install a Toilet Tornado. It will be aptly named 'The Hershey Homesteader Hurricane' and it will be conveniently located in the Pioneer Frontier section of the park next door to the Taco Bell restaurant.

--JWS

CPO Opens New Shelter for Battered and Abused Coasters

The famed Coaster Preservation Organization (formerly Coaster Preservation Club) has branched out beyond rescuing abandoned coasters and suing parks that leave coasters standing but not operating for four months or more. On Monday, June 23rd, it unveiled blueprints for a new shelter specifically to aid abused and battered coasters.

“I was shocked when a friend told me the sad story of Rolling Thunder at Six Flags Great Adventure,” said Lee Coaster, Chairman, President, and CEO of the CPO (formerly CPC). “When I heard about this once-noble coaster without fresh paint, running on dry rails, operating day-to-day at the mercy of cold, uncaring Ride Operators, I knew the CPO (formerly CPC) had to step in and do something."

The center, to be located in North Dakota, or perhaps Louisiana, is designed to house coasters which have escaped from their current tormenters. “As we all know, some of these great rides will suffer from 'Battered Coaster Syndrome,' and may not have the confidence or courage to escape. We are here to help them with a confidential rescue program.”

Once at the center, coasters will be re-painted, oiled, and stroked lovingly. Assertiveness Training and Self-Defense classes will also be offered to coasters to help them “get back on their feet again.”

Most abused coasters are afraid to press charges against their owners, so there is little to no media coverage or court records of this abuse. A hopeful Lee Coaster said, “We’re going to turn this around – one coaster at a time.”

--MMS

Coasterbuzz Flame War Ensues Over Attempt to Count Montezooma

A monster controversy has been bubbling out of the turgid bowels of Coasterbuzz this past week, following the discovery that a man with the CB handle “CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6” had actually credited the Paramount’s Great America shuttle loop Montezooma’s Revenge on his CB profile’s coaster count despite freely admitting that he has never traveled west of Minnesota.

“This is such a load of s#&%,” opined Jerry Baldwin, 36. “Why is he bothering to lie to us? So immature. I hope I’m never so desperate for the attention a big coaster count brings that I stoop to such stupidity as to inflate my numbers with coasters I haven’t actually been on.” Baldwin then ran off to begin his four-day vacation to Santa Land, Story Land, and Funworld Game Center, each a New Hampshire park widely spaced from any other and featuring a single kid’s or family roller coaster.

CPistotallythebestandallotherparkssuck6 sprinted forth to unload his side of the story. “It’s legit. I experienced Montezooma’s Revenge in all its fury. No lie. I was driving down I-95 to visit some pals in South Carolina and I stopped off at South of the Border for a few Pedroland rides and some tacos at Pedro’s Diner. Everything seemed okay, but then, as I was riding that awesome sombrero into the night sky, it hit me. Damn, did it hit me. Can you say ‘Los Trots?’ I was in the baño for three hours screaming and grunting and burning a hole through Pedro’s third-world white thrones. Cramps, chills, queasiness, and imperial gallons of explosive, fiery diarrhea…dude, it sucked. And I had to run pay homage to the porcelain god from one end or another eleven times in the next two days.”

He added, “so don’t try to deny my credit for Montezooma’s Revenge. Maybe it rode me instead of the other way around, but I’ve had just as much shuttle launching as any of those morons who’ve been to Great America. I was just getting the shuttle launching through my ass, but it counts the same.”

Discussion on Coasterbuzz has primarily favored the viewpoint that the Montezooma’s Revenge sufferer is a “lying coaster count jackass,” though minority opinions have held that he is a “wanker” and “a complete tool.” South of the Border employees tell ARN&R that the taco meat they use consists only of the finest cockroach larvae, toenails, and rat schlongs, and they don’t know why on Earth anyone would blame their tasty product for any anal agony whatsoever.

--JCK

Sneetch Pox Outbreak Traced to Islands of Adventure

Scientists around the world heaved a collective sigh of relief from their manly bosoms this morning, as the troublesome outbreak of Sneetch Pox was traced definitively to one source, Islands of Adventure amusement park. Said Roger Cratchov of the Centers for Disease Control, "we've managed to isolate this disease to one location, and expect it to be eradicated within a matter of days. It's a victory for world health."

Experts describe Sneetch Pox as a non-deadly but most embarrassing condition which causes massive breakouts of hives in a star pattern all over the stomach and chest of the victim. "This pox totally sucks," said Fondlyn Cox, 23, a recent sufferer of the condition. "It itches to all hell, and the kids without the frickin' pox won't let me hang out with them since it's contagious or something." Cox then furtively scratched at herself in an unseemly fashion.

"I told my son not to play with those Sneetches on the beaches," said Harry Ball, 45. "But he did it anyway. Then it spread to our whole tour group in a matter of minutes. Augh! It burns! It burns!"

Once it was learned that all victims of the Sneetch Pox had, not really so inexplicably, contracted the condition within hours of visiting Islands of Adventure and its Seuss-themed area, doctors quarantined the area, crushing the pox outbreak with one swift stroke. Although the infestation appears to be contained, all those who have ridden a Sneetch or played with one in the past week are urged to receive their shots at a nearby clinic just to be sure. Those who have been infected have been reporting a return to normal after about two weeks of itching, burning, and swelling. Rectal discomfort may persist for up to three months no matter what the treatment, of course.

"Lots of rest, liquids, and reading stupid fake coaster rumor sites will soon have these sufferers back as the best on the beaches despite these Sneetches!" said Cratchov, in a moment of unprecedented levity.

--JCK

Ruben Claims Thirty-Four World Records

On tonight's Travel Channel rerun of Ultimate Thrill: Beyond Speed, Paul Ruben stated that he has ridden over 1,500 coasters. In related news, in a press release issued by his office, Ruben laid his claim to thirty-four world records in a wide array of subjects.

"Yep, I did 'em all," said Ruben, in an interview at Cedar Point, where your intrepid ARN&R reporter followed him past the patiently-waiting throngs of ordinary patrons (what Ruben calls "the little people"). According to Ruben, in addition to riding virtually every coaster in the world (the Roller Coaster Database lists roughly 1,600 coasters in the entire world), he also is the oldest skydiver in recorded history, having jumped from a plane at age 97; the most prolific amateur lover in the 20th century, having bedded over 9,000 women; and the holder of the record for the most clothespins attached to his face, breaking the old record with 143.

"I also hold the record for deepest open water dive by a woman without any scuba gear," said Ruben. "That was back when, y'know, I was a woman." The other thirty world records are somewhat unclear, but Ruben says that they'll all be listed in the next issue of Park World.

Ruben added that the Travel Channel quotation was somewhat old, and that he has now ridden over 2,500 coasters, and will soon break the record for the fastest pulling of a Boeing 727.

Holy Land Experience Theme Park to Add Thrill Rides

In an effort to draw younger guests into its throng, The Holy Land Experience Theme Park in Orlando, Florida announced it would be adding three major thrill rides to its lineup. "It's been 2,000 years since the world has seen anything like this!" exclaimed Marvin J. Rosenthal, president of The Holy Land Experience. "Precisely 2,003 years, actually. Or maybe 1,973 years. Anyway, these new attractions are only the beginning."

The first attraction, developed by Premier based on its water coaster technology, set to open next month, is "Termagant Baptismal Plunge!' Riders will board early 1st century sailing yachts and traverse the Nile River where they will be tormented by pagan rituals and sacrificial demons. The yachts will then enter a Great Pyramid and be "lifted to God" before plunging down a 150-foot holy-waterfall into a Baptismal pool.

The second attraction to open sometime this fall, is the "Cruci-Friction!' Guests are strapped securely into restraining devises and shot to the top of a 250 foot crucifix and hung there for a full 30 seconds to witness what Jesus witnessed in His final moments, before plummeting at speeds up to 70 miles per hour back to Earth.

The final attraction to appear sometime in early 2004, is "TTD: Top Thrill Dogma, the Highest Coaster on God's Green Earth!' "What we wanted here," stated Rosenthal, "was an attraction that would take our guests as close to Heaven as conceivably possible." Designed by S&S Power from the original plans for the Tower of Babel, TTD will shuttle riders 150 miles per hour around the twisting Biblical structure literally into the stratosphere; 13,000 feet into the air! "It will be guaranteed to take your breath away!"

"The Holy Land Experience has been totally dependent on God for His provision and direction. But we're also grateful to the Orlando Visitors' Bureau."

--RAS

Hellevator Named New Spokesthing for Viagra

Much to the disappointment of major league slugger Rafael Palmeiro, the Rangers first baseman was replaced this week as spokesman for Viagra by Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's Hellevator. The move was made after careful research by the company indicated the need for a new market focus, after surveys showed Palmeiro was not reaching the valued 12-25 target demographic coveted by the manbeast-enhancement medicine. "What better way to market our drug than by using a giant, throbbing shaft of steel that can clearly demonstrate Viagra's effect on virility?" Viagra representative David Wang asked reporters rhetorically.

Upon being unveiled as the new spokesthing for Viagara, the Hellevator stood proudly erect as it read from a prepared statement. "Viagra has made me a new freefall attraction. When I was young and studly, I proudly thrust forward into the Kentucky sky, beckoning throngs of eager youngsters with my smooth, mighty, gleaming single rod. But then I grew older. Other, newer, bigger freefall and Space Shot rides came on the scene and drew more attention with their more substantial height, girth, and lack of maintenance woes. Over the years I became more and more flacid and limp in comparison with the new rides."

Pausing to weep briefly, Hellevator added that "the final straw that made me realize I had to take action was the introduction of the Double Shot rides from S&S. How can an older model like myself possibly compete with a shaft that has that much raw power and stamina? The answer was Viagra. A year after beginning my prescription, I am once again thrilling impossibly huge crowds of screaming, terrified and pleasured men and women for hours upon hours each and every operating day. I am such a stud!"

When asked for his opinion on the great thrill-phallus being named as a spokesthing for a product normally associated with old dudes getting it on, parkgoer Randy Dew, 19, said that he felt it was "Hellacool."

--JCK