Hurricane Moves Inland
After battering the coasts of North Carolina and Virginia Thursday, Hurricane Isabel moved inland, heading through the interior toward Pennsylvania overnight. This news was extremely troubling to some coaster enthusiasts.
"I had no idea that ride was going to be moved," said Ohio American Coaster Enthusiast member Hugh Jazz, 45. "I was doing my usual thing, skipping my shower to eat another deep-fried turkey while downloading porn and looking at Top Thrill Dragster videos simultaneously, when I flipped on the TV and saw all this Weather Channel crap about the Hurricane travelling northwest.
"First of all, I'm surprised...I thought this coaster was pretty highly regarded, seeing as it's the most popular ride at the Myrtle Beach Pavilion. But I know that park is moving to a new location in a couple years, so maybe they couldn't afford to keep Hurricane when they moved, so they went ahead and sold it now. I just wonder what park it'll be going to. They were saying on the broadcast how it was headed through Virginia and the Great Lakes region, and might end up in Canada. Maybe Paramount's Canada's Wonderland won't be adding some chump kiddie ride for next year after all."
Jazz noted that he was "kinda confused why Weather Channel would be the ones to break this story," but that he was "glad at least one station cared about important world events."
--JCK
Friday, September 19, 2003
Thursday, September 18, 2003
Gemini Predicts Single-Day Capacity Record in Call to Hulk
Gemini, the brash elder statesman of coasters at Cedar Point, reportedly predicted that he would break the single-day capacity record this coming Saturday. The prediction came in a trash-talking phone call with his close friend Hulk at Islands of Adventure.
"I couldn't believe it," said Hulk. "Here's this old punk coaster calling me up talkin' trash, and he thinks that's not going to get me and my team motivated? We're gonna kick some serious Gemini ass this weekend, baby."
Analysts suggest Hulk's job may be tougher than he thinks. "Gemini is wily but also full of power," said USA Today coaster columnist Lon Pascalelliellily. "He can instantly tell if it's time to send out a half-empty train or if it's going to be worth it to wait to fill it up. He's really got a great vision of the whole course and of the crowds around his station and makes great decisions. And the other coasters and rides nearby are all great team players, randomly shutting down if they notice his line is getting short, trying to funnel more riders to Gemini."
Hulk is unconcerned. "We're Islands of f**king Adventure, man! Cedar Point was great back in the day, but now they're just pathetic."
Gemini has refused to comment, saying only that "We'll see what happens on Saturday, and we'll see who's still talking afterwards, and who has the single-day capacity record."
Gemini, the brash elder statesman of coasters at Cedar Point, reportedly predicted that he would break the single-day capacity record this coming Saturday. The prediction came in a trash-talking phone call with his close friend Hulk at Islands of Adventure.
"I couldn't believe it," said Hulk. "Here's this old punk coaster calling me up talkin' trash, and he thinks that's not going to get me and my team motivated? We're gonna kick some serious Gemini ass this weekend, baby."
Analysts suggest Hulk's job may be tougher than he thinks. "Gemini is wily but also full of power," said USA Today coaster columnist Lon Pascalelliellily. "He can instantly tell if it's time to send out a half-empty train or if it's going to be worth it to wait to fill it up. He's really got a great vision of the whole course and of the crowds around his station and makes great decisions. And the other coasters and rides nearby are all great team players, randomly shutting down if they notice his line is getting short, trying to funnel more riders to Gemini."
Hulk is unconcerned. "We're Islands of f**king Adventure, man! Cedar Point was great back in the day, but now they're just pathetic."
Gemini has refused to comment, saying only that "We'll see what happens on Saturday, and we'll see who's still talking afterwards, and who has the single-day capacity record."
Wednesday, September 17, 2003
Vekoma to Announce Seatless Floorless Coaster
Responding to the growing popularity of coasters with "less" -- no floors, no over-the-shoulder restraints, and so on -- Vekoma is set to announce a seatless and floorless coaster, ARN&R can exclusively report.
"We know our rides are beloved throughout America for their smoothness, reliability, and comfort," said a spokesman for the Dutch company. "So we have taken the genius engineering skills developed through making SLCs and Boomerangs and put it towards developing this outstanding ride."
Sketches obtained from a confidential source indicate that riders will walk onto a platform not unlike those used for B&M inverted coasters. After standing in their assigned locations (marked with large circles on the platform), a vise-like apparatus will drop from above. Four sharp points ("with a layer of soft rubber for comfort!" notes Vekoma's spokesman) will be gently but firmly pressed into each rider's head to hold them in place.
"And that's it! That's all the restraints!" exclaimed the spokesman. "The platform will drop from under them, and the riders will enjoy 3,850 feet of fun hanging from their heads!" The course is expected to include a vertical loop, two inline twists, and a new element known only as the "vertebrae-cracker."
For safety purposes, an additional restraint will consist of a metal chain power-stapled to each rider's abdomen.
Responding to the growing popularity of coasters with "less" -- no floors, no over-the-shoulder restraints, and so on -- Vekoma is set to announce a seatless and floorless coaster, ARN&R can exclusively report.
"We know our rides are beloved throughout America for their smoothness, reliability, and comfort," said a spokesman for the Dutch company. "So we have taken the genius engineering skills developed through making SLCs and Boomerangs and put it towards developing this outstanding ride."
Sketches obtained from a confidential source indicate that riders will walk onto a platform not unlike those used for B&M inverted coasters. After standing in their assigned locations (marked with large circles on the platform), a vise-like apparatus will drop from above. Four sharp points ("with a layer of soft rubber for comfort!" notes Vekoma's spokesman) will be gently but firmly pressed into each rider's head to hold them in place.
"And that's it! That's all the restraints!" exclaimed the spokesman. "The platform will drop from under them, and the riders will enjoy 3,850 feet of fun hanging from their heads!" The course is expected to include a vertical loop, two inline twists, and a new element known only as the "vertebrae-cracker."
For safety purposes, an additional restraint will consist of a metal chain power-stapled to each rider's abdomen.
Tuesday, September 16, 2003
Bob's Space Racers Announce New Game for a New Age
Daytona Beach, FL -- Bob's Space Racers, the popular amusement manufacturer that shot to fame with their "Whac a Mole" game, has announced a new concession.
"It's a new game for a new age," said Bob Cassata, the founder of the company. "I call it Whac a Debt. With the amount of credit most Americans have, and the cost of entering most big parks, this is something all guests should be able to relate to!"
The midway game will cost $500 to play. "Some people have balked at that," said Cassata, "but no one would bother wiping out a measly $3 debt. The stakes are high, but so is the satisfaction when you win!"
The object is similar to BSR's most popular game: you have a judge's gavel and small figures of evil-looking accountants begin popping out of small briefcases. You have to smash each one on the head before they disappear. Each time you score a hit, $5 of your debt is reduced. If you score 100 hits in thirty seconds, you get $495 back, plus a ten cent plush toy.
"Our innovation," Cassata continued, "is to factor in interest, just like a real bank. For each second that passes without a hit, your debt goes up by nineteen percent. That should give our game the best profit margin for a park without providing the customer any actual value since the Q-Bot."
When asked whether guests would be willing to spend that much on a game, Cassata replied, "Heck, people spend that much a month on their cell phone bill! I think people will really enjoy smashing bill collectors into a figurative pulp. That's the kind of satisfaction you just can't put a price on."
Cassata also mentioned that BSR is working on yet another variation for frustrated middle managers, "Whac a Wonk."
--JRD
Daytona Beach, FL -- Bob's Space Racers, the popular amusement manufacturer that shot to fame with their "Whac a Mole" game, has announced a new concession.
"It's a new game for a new age," said Bob Cassata, the founder of the company. "I call it Whac a Debt. With the amount of credit most Americans have, and the cost of entering most big parks, this is something all guests should be able to relate to!"
The midway game will cost $500 to play. "Some people have balked at that," said Cassata, "but no one would bother wiping out a measly $3 debt. The stakes are high, but so is the satisfaction when you win!"
The object is similar to BSR's most popular game: you have a judge's gavel and small figures of evil-looking accountants begin popping out of small briefcases. You have to smash each one on the head before they disappear. Each time you score a hit, $5 of your debt is reduced. If you score 100 hits in thirty seconds, you get $495 back, plus a ten cent plush toy.
"Our innovation," Cassata continued, "is to factor in interest, just like a real bank. For each second that passes without a hit, your debt goes up by nineteen percent. That should give our game the best profit margin for a park without providing the customer any actual value since the Q-Bot."
When asked whether guests would be willing to spend that much on a game, Cassata replied, "Heck, people spend that much a month on their cell phone bill! I think people will really enjoy smashing bill collectors into a figurative pulp. That's the kind of satisfaction you just can't put a price on."
Cassata also mentioned that BSR is working on yet another variation for frustrated middle managers, "Whac a Wonk."
--JRD
Monday, September 15, 2003
New Site o' the Weak
We are thrilled to award our prestigious Site o' the Weak honors to the G Force Coaster Page, presented for your cross-eyed horror in black and blue font over an optically-violating teal. Among the things we love about the opening page are the fact that it has "photo's [sic]," as well as the very creative use of tenses and possesives, a common trait of our Sites o' the Weak. Of course, there are many awful coaster websites out there that have an abysmal design and are unable to use functional English, but it's a very, very, very special one that tells you "[a]fter exiting the train, you stumble away as if you were imbibed from alcohol." We have no idea what this means, but it sounds quite painful indeed.
Once you've puzzled over the Dali-like implications of how one could possibly be "imbibed by alcohol," head on over to the lovely "photo's" of the ever-popular Black Widow, and be educated by the exquisitely detailed investigative report about roller coaster accidents. Additionally, the website operator modestly assures us that he is "truly a master of the music trade."
Attention lawyers! Wanna make some dough? (Of course you do. Don't lie.) One of our clever and well-read correspondents alerts us to the fact that several pictures at the G Force Roller Coaster Site, including this one of the Lightning Loops, are taken from an issue of Popular Mechanics without permission or acknowledgement. (In other words, they are stolen.) Classy.
--JCK
We are thrilled to award our prestigious Site o' the Weak honors to the G Force Coaster Page, presented for your cross-eyed horror in black and blue font over an optically-violating teal. Among the things we love about the opening page are the fact that it has "photo's [sic]," as well as the very creative use of tenses and possesives, a common trait of our Sites o' the Weak. Of course, there are many awful coaster websites out there that have an abysmal design and are unable to use functional English, but it's a very, very, very special one that tells you "[a]fter exiting the train, you stumble away as if you were imbibed from alcohol." We have no idea what this means, but it sounds quite painful indeed.
Once you've puzzled over the Dali-like implications of how one could possibly be "imbibed by alcohol," head on over to the lovely "photo's" of the ever-popular Black Widow, and be educated by the exquisitely detailed investigative report about roller coaster accidents. Additionally, the website operator modestly assures us that he is "truly a master of the music trade."
Attention lawyers! Wanna make some dough? (Of course you do. Don't lie.) One of our clever and well-read correspondents alerts us to the fact that several pictures at the G Force Roller Coaster Site, including this one of the Lightning Loops, are taken from an issue of Popular Mechanics without permission or acknowledgement. (In other words, they are stolen.) Classy.
--JCK
Sunday, September 14, 2003
Blue Streak Rededicated as ACE Coaster Classic
At a major ceremony yesterday, the Blue Streak roller coaster at Cedar Point was rededicated as an ACE Coaster Classic, a rare honor given to wood rides which the meet exacting standards of proper and historic operation set forth by ACE (American Carcas-Rending Jackals and Hyenas).
"We are mighty proud of this great honor," said park rep Ima Hogg. "Very few rides are operated in a manner consistent with the ACE Coaster Classic status, and Blue Streak is now celebrating 35 years as a ride of this type. We love having all these enthusiast types here to laud us for running our classic wood coaster the way it should be run."
According to the group's charter, ACE rewards roller coasters run in the time-tested and proper way with a plaque announcing the woodie as an ACE Coaster Classic. The rare coasters to receive this honor must not have ratcheting lap bars, headrests, assigned seats, seat dividers, or anal probes. Cedar Point has a sign prominently displayed in front of the Blue Streak detailing how the woodie is an ACE Coaster Classic. "If you own a special ride and run it properly, you want to brag about it with a big fu%$ing sign," said Hogg.
Standing outside in a light drizzle, ACE Preservation Guru Matt Crowther announced, "ACE is pleased to rededicate this ride as an ACE Coaster Classic. The sign in front of the ride clearly announces that we've said this ride is a Coaster Classic, even though Cedar Point slapped plastic seats, ratchets, and big damn headrests all over the trains a number of years ago. But heck, I like Cedar Point, so we figured we'd just call the little fu%&er a Coaster Classic anyway and give them a nice new plaque. We're good that way."
A few naysayers disputed the designation. "What the hell?" said enthusiast Dick Hardwoods. "This ride doesn't qualify as a Coaster Classic at all! Why are we allowing them to milk the recognition of this honor by telling bald-faced lies that the ride is a Classic? Those damn trains feature three disqualifications, but that stupid sign is still sitting out front there. The ACE Executive Junta is obviously chicken-s%it to ask Cedar Point to remove the designation. What a bunch of pus*ies."
"We will not tolerate such statements from surly members," said American Coaster Enthusiast Gold Glove Pugilist, Iron Chef Chilidog, and President Baghwan Sri Carole Sanderson. "We have no patience for members with any concern for stupid crap like what makes a ride a Coaster Classic. Our members are to be concerned only with stuffing their faces, making unreasonable rude demands of parks, and getting ERT. Criticizing any park is forbidden by the ACE Code of Conduct, so we can't ask them to take that filthy, lying sign down. Also, we are completely spineless, so we wouldn't even think of making our Classic designation mean anything by asking parks to take down signs claiming a ride has our endorsement when it does not. We need to be sure Cedar Point gives us extra truckloads of gristly meats on sticks and piles of chocolate treats at the Con next year, too."
Crowther announced that Cedar Fair rides Mean Streak, Thunderhawk, and, heck, even Iron Dragon, would be given the ACE Coaster Classic designation next season and will also be allowed to have bulls*it signs out in front of them claiming they are still ACE Coaster Classics.
--JCK
At a major ceremony yesterday, the Blue Streak roller coaster at Cedar Point was rededicated as an ACE Coaster Classic, a rare honor given to wood rides which the meet exacting standards of proper and historic operation set forth by ACE (American Carcas-Rending Jackals and Hyenas).
"We are mighty proud of this great honor," said park rep Ima Hogg. "Very few rides are operated in a manner consistent with the ACE Coaster Classic status, and Blue Streak is now celebrating 35 years as a ride of this type. We love having all these enthusiast types here to laud us for running our classic wood coaster the way it should be run."
According to the group's charter, ACE rewards roller coasters run in the time-tested and proper way with a plaque announcing the woodie as an ACE Coaster Classic. The rare coasters to receive this honor must not have ratcheting lap bars, headrests, assigned seats, seat dividers, or anal probes. Cedar Point has a sign prominently displayed in front of the Blue Streak detailing how the woodie is an ACE Coaster Classic. "If you own a special ride and run it properly, you want to brag about it with a big fu%$ing sign," said Hogg.
Standing outside in a light drizzle, ACE Preservation Guru Matt Crowther announced, "ACE is pleased to rededicate this ride as an ACE Coaster Classic. The sign in front of the ride clearly announces that we've said this ride is a Coaster Classic, even though Cedar Point slapped plastic seats, ratchets, and big damn headrests all over the trains a number of years ago. But heck, I like Cedar Point, so we figured we'd just call the little fu%&er a Coaster Classic anyway and give them a nice new plaque. We're good that way."
A few naysayers disputed the designation. "What the hell?" said enthusiast Dick Hardwoods. "This ride doesn't qualify as a Coaster Classic at all! Why are we allowing them to milk the recognition of this honor by telling bald-faced lies that the ride is a Classic? Those damn trains feature three disqualifications, but that stupid sign is still sitting out front there. The ACE Executive Junta is obviously chicken-s%it to ask Cedar Point to remove the designation. What a bunch of pus*ies."
"We will not tolerate such statements from surly members," said American Coaster Enthusiast Gold Glove Pugilist, Iron Chef Chilidog, and President Baghwan Sri Carole Sanderson. "We have no patience for members with any concern for stupid crap like what makes a ride a Coaster Classic. Our members are to be concerned only with stuffing their faces, making unreasonable rude demands of parks, and getting ERT. Criticizing any park is forbidden by the ACE Code of Conduct, so we can't ask them to take that filthy, lying sign down. Also, we are completely spineless, so we wouldn't even think of making our Classic designation mean anything by asking parks to take down signs claiming a ride has our endorsement when it does not. We need to be sure Cedar Point gives us extra truckloads of gristly meats on sticks and piles of chocolate treats at the Con next year, too."
Crowther announced that Cedar Fair rides Mean Streak, Thunderhawk, and, heck, even Iron Dragon, would be given the ACE Coaster Classic designation next season and will also be allowed to have bulls*it signs out in front of them claiming they are still ACE Coaster Classics.
--JCK
Friday, September 12, 2003
Hemingway Estate Sues Rollercoaster Magazine
The estate of writer Ernest Hemingway announced this morning that it would be filing a lawsuit against the editorial and writing staff of Rollercoaster Magazine. According to a statement from the estate, "this enthusiast publication has knowingly and willingly plagiarized the style of the late Ernest Hemingway for its own aims and profits. We will be seeking massive monetary compensation for this thievery in a court of law."
While the Hemingway estate makes no claim that the content and ideas expressed by Hemingway were in any way used by Rollercoaster Magazine without permission, they claim that the "style of writing used in the magazine goes past the point of aping Hemingway into out and out copying."
ARN&R has obtained samples from representative portions of the texts in question, and, while victory in this matter is no certainty for the Hemingway estate, they do make a strong point. Here is a representative passage from Hemingway's classic 1926 novel, The Sun Also Rises:
That was all right. Bill and Mike were with Edna. She had been afraid last night they would pass out. That was why I was to be sure to take her. I drank the coffee and hurried with the other people toward the bull-ring. I was not groggy now. There was only a bad headache.
And here is a sample from the Winter 1968 issue of Rollercoaster Magazine, or whatever just came out [Editor's Note: It was Spring 2003, merely half a year behind, as opposed to 35 years.].
Mack is a leader in the amusement industry. Their rides are at many parks. It will be neat to see what they make next. Goliath was good. But it wasn't perfect. It was not on many top ten lists. But it was green. Bus drivers were good. The hotel was bad. People took pretty pictures. We were given more ride time than expected. We like coasters. Collosos is no good since it is perfect. Parks should give us better buffets. With All-You-Can-Eat cow tongue. I forgot to bathe.
Neither excerpt has any subject matter in common, but both of them feature childishly stupid prose and an inability to form complicated word phrases or clauses, instead relying solely on clipped, single thoughts that lead to mind-rending irritation on the part of many readers with more than a fourth-grade education. ARN&R will be watching this plagiarism case closely and will keep our readership alerted as to any developments.
--JCK
The estate of writer Ernest Hemingway announced this morning that it would be filing a lawsuit against the editorial and writing staff of Rollercoaster Magazine. According to a statement from the estate, "this enthusiast publication has knowingly and willingly plagiarized the style of the late Ernest Hemingway for its own aims and profits. We will be seeking massive monetary compensation for this thievery in a court of law."
While the Hemingway estate makes no claim that the content and ideas expressed by Hemingway were in any way used by Rollercoaster Magazine without permission, they claim that the "style of writing used in the magazine goes past the point of aping Hemingway into out and out copying."
ARN&R has obtained samples from representative portions of the texts in question, and, while victory in this matter is no certainty for the Hemingway estate, they do make a strong point. Here is a representative passage from Hemingway's classic 1926 novel, The Sun Also Rises:
That was all right. Bill and Mike were with Edna. She had been afraid last night they would pass out. That was why I was to be sure to take her. I drank the coffee and hurried with the other people toward the bull-ring. I was not groggy now. There was only a bad headache.
And here is a sample from the Winter 1968 issue of Rollercoaster Magazine, or whatever just came out [Editor's Note: It was Spring 2003, merely half a year behind, as opposed to 35 years.].
Mack is a leader in the amusement industry. Their rides are at many parks. It will be neat to see what they make next. Goliath was good. But it wasn't perfect. It was not on many top ten lists. But it was green. Bus drivers were good. The hotel was bad. People took pretty pictures. We were given more ride time than expected. We like coasters. Collosos is no good since it is perfect. Parks should give us better buffets. With All-You-Can-Eat cow tongue. I forgot to bathe.
Neither excerpt has any subject matter in common, but both of them feature childishly stupid prose and an inability to form complicated word phrases or clauses, instead relying solely on clipped, single thoughts that lead to mind-rending irritation on the part of many readers with more than a fourth-grade education. ARN&R will be watching this plagiarism case closely and will keep our readership alerted as to any developments.
--JCK
Thursday, September 11, 2003
ACE News Article Fails to Mention Food
The latest issue of ACE News received strong criticism this week, as the ACE Executive Junta, the American Beef Council, and the National Lard, Scrapple, Hog Brains, and Head Cheese Foundation all condemned the magazine for its failure to mention food in one article.
"This is absolutely disgraceful," announced American Coaster Enthusiasts Commander-in-Chief, Winner of the 1976 Tchaikovsky Cello Competition, and Hindu Goddess of Destruction Carole Sanderson. "The ACE Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the writing of any article for any of our publications without making reference to food. For the past seven years, each and every article, even those quick 'breaking news' updates about new coasters that everyone already knew about three months ago, featured breathless prose lauding beef, pork, or gooey breakfast treats. I don't know how it happened that this regulation was broken in the latest issue, but it'll be dealt with, believe you me."
Diligent research by a crack team of ARN&R forensic scientists and photographers located the offending article with ease. Located on the back page, and titled "Dollywood Does It," the half-page feature manages, somehow, to describe the new GCI coaster being built for the Tennessee park without referencing Krispy Kreme, country ham, or grits even once.
"I don't know how this thing slipped through," lamented editor Mark Davidson. "I think I might have been distracted by the thought of getting the annual onslaught of irritatating reviews of Phoenix Phall Phunfest that feel the need to spell everything over and over with 'ph' instead of 'f,' as if it's still remotely funny or entertaining after the eleven-billionth time. In any case, I apologize for allowing an article to run without mentioning buffets of any sort."
Davidson defended the publication, saying, "we do normally maintain a high level of professionalism in reporting news of ACE members gorging themselves to the brink of propulsive vomiting. Why, even in this issue, every other article talks mostly about food instead of other stupid crap like roller coasters or whatever. Any article dealing with conventions, of course, almost solely features exciting buffet news, and the articles in this issue were no exception. And then the blurb about Hersheypark's Rocket Coaster requests the ride be named the Chocolate Rocket. The Timberhawk review noted a complimentary lunch. And even the Coaster Media review mentions scrambled eggs. So we hope our audience will forgive this one slight of ours, and please not eat us alive and then crack open our thigh bones to suck out our tasty marrow."
The author of the article in question was not named in ACE News, but Sanderson promises a severe lashing, as well as sentencing to the back of the next CoasterCon ice cream line, to the culprit if he or she is ever located.
--JCK
The latest issue of ACE News received strong criticism this week, as the ACE Executive Junta, the American Beef Council, and the National Lard, Scrapple, Hog Brains, and Head Cheese Foundation all condemned the magazine for its failure to mention food in one article.
"This is absolutely disgraceful," announced American Coaster Enthusiasts Commander-in-Chief, Winner of the 1976 Tchaikovsky Cello Competition, and Hindu Goddess of Destruction Carole Sanderson. "The ACE Code of Conduct specifically prohibits the writing of any article for any of our publications without making reference to food. For the past seven years, each and every article, even those quick 'breaking news' updates about new coasters that everyone already knew about three months ago, featured breathless prose lauding beef, pork, or gooey breakfast treats. I don't know how it happened that this regulation was broken in the latest issue, but it'll be dealt with, believe you me."
Diligent research by a crack team of ARN&R forensic scientists and photographers located the offending article with ease. Located on the back page, and titled "Dollywood Does It," the half-page feature manages, somehow, to describe the new GCI coaster being built for the Tennessee park without referencing Krispy Kreme, country ham, or grits even once.
"I don't know how this thing slipped through," lamented editor Mark Davidson. "I think I might have been distracted by the thought of getting the annual onslaught of irritatating reviews of Phoenix Phall Phunfest that feel the need to spell everything over and over with 'ph' instead of 'f,' as if it's still remotely funny or entertaining after the eleven-billionth time. In any case, I apologize for allowing an article to run without mentioning buffets of any sort."
Davidson defended the publication, saying, "we do normally maintain a high level of professionalism in reporting news of ACE members gorging themselves to the brink of propulsive vomiting. Why, even in this issue, every other article talks mostly about food instead of other stupid crap like roller coasters or whatever. Any article dealing with conventions, of course, almost solely features exciting buffet news, and the articles in this issue were no exception. And then the blurb about Hersheypark's Rocket Coaster requests the ride be named the Chocolate Rocket. The Timberhawk review noted a complimentary lunch. And even the Coaster Media review mentions scrambled eggs. So we hope our audience will forgive this one slight of ours, and please not eat us alive and then crack open our thigh bones to suck out our tasty marrow."
The author of the article in question was not named in ACE News, but Sanderson promises a severe lashing, as well as sentencing to the back of the next CoasterCon ice cream line, to the culprit if he or she is ever located.
--JCK
Wednesday, September 10, 2003
Cedar Point Guests Get An Eyeful On Top Thrill Dragster
Several guests at Cedar Point got an extra special bonus treat during their ride on Top Thrill Dragster this past Saturday, September 6th when a woman’s halter top was blown clear off of her body during the ride’s 120 mile per hour launch.
Park guest and American Coaster Enthusiasts member Lana Lewis from Pipestem, West Virginia, evidently ignored the posted signs warning TTD riders about raising their arms during the coaster’s launch. Everything was okay during the first second of the launch. Two seconds into the launch, however, Lana’s frilly pink and yellow 100% cotton halter top was sucked right off of her body. The halter top got caught in the rushing air produced by the movement of the coaster train and floated gracefully in the breeze for a few seconds before landing gently on the ground under the roller coaster amongst the several nuts, bolts, and tires that have fallen off of the TTD trains all throughout this season.
Ms. Lewis was back in the ride’s station before she realized what had happened.
“I definitely felt a chill when we reached the top of the first hill,” she said. “But I just assumed it was because we were so high up and the air was just cooler up there. Little did I know that my boobies were bouncing all around in the breeze for all of God’s creatures to see.”
After the ride, Ms. Lewis asked ride operators to retrieve her halter top from under the coaster, but was politely reminded by park management that all items lost during the ride could not be retrieved until the park had closed for the day.
Ms. Lewis’s brother, Skeeter, who is also her cousin, managed to save the day and a little bit of Lana’s dignity by purchasing a t-shirt from the recently opened Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Souvenir Shop located on Cedar Point’s midway next door to the Johnny Rockets restaurant.
In a related story, the Top Thrill Dragster on-ride souvenir photo booth reported a new record high one day sales total on Saturday, September 6th. The astounding sales figure was attributed for the most part to the hundreds of male teenage coaster enthusiasts who waited in line for up to three hours to purchase a photo of Lana’s top thrilling strip show.
--JWS
Several guests at Cedar Point got an extra special bonus treat during their ride on Top Thrill Dragster this past Saturday, September 6th when a woman’s halter top was blown clear off of her body during the ride’s 120 mile per hour launch.
Park guest and American Coaster Enthusiasts member Lana Lewis from Pipestem, West Virginia, evidently ignored the posted signs warning TTD riders about raising their arms during the coaster’s launch. Everything was okay during the first second of the launch. Two seconds into the launch, however, Lana’s frilly pink and yellow 100% cotton halter top was sucked right off of her body. The halter top got caught in the rushing air produced by the movement of the coaster train and floated gracefully in the breeze for a few seconds before landing gently on the ground under the roller coaster amongst the several nuts, bolts, and tires that have fallen off of the TTD trains all throughout this season.
Ms. Lewis was back in the ride’s station before she realized what had happened.
“I definitely felt a chill when we reached the top of the first hill,” she said. “But I just assumed it was because we were so high up and the air was just cooler up there. Little did I know that my boobies were bouncing all around in the breeze for all of God’s creatures to see.”
After the ride, Ms. Lewis asked ride operators to retrieve her halter top from under the coaster, but was politely reminded by park management that all items lost during the ride could not be retrieved until the park had closed for the day.
Ms. Lewis’s brother, Skeeter, who is also her cousin, managed to save the day and a little bit of Lana’s dignity by purchasing a t-shirt from the recently opened Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Souvenir Shop located on Cedar Point’s midway next door to the Johnny Rockets restaurant.
In a related story, the Top Thrill Dragster on-ride souvenir photo booth reported a new record high one day sales total on Saturday, September 6th. The astounding sales figure was attributed for the most part to the hundreds of male teenage coaster enthusiasts who waited in line for up to three hours to purchase a photo of Lana’s top thrilling strip show.
--JWS
Tuesday, September 09, 2003
Six Flags Great America Mocked for Taking Lemon to Dealer
Six Flags Great America was taunted by its friends for taking its broken-down jalopy to the dealer for service work, say sources close to the park.
"I can't believe this schmuck," said friend Six Flags St. Louis. "First of all, he's an idiot for not listening to me and buying one of those stupid Deja Vu things, which everyone knows break down more than crap from Ford. Then he compounds his stupidity by taking the thing back to the damn dealer for service. What a dips%$t."
Six Flags Great America confirmed that it takes its ride to Vekoma for service, but defended itself, saying, "I don't really know the local mechanics, so I don't know if they're honest or not. And my dealer is the one who gave me the ride, so they probably know best how to fix its myriad problems that crop up on a thousands-of-times-per-day basis. And they explained that they are the only ones who use genuine Toyota parts, so why shouldn't I take it there?"
Said business colleague Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, "you should've seen this guy last week. Deja Vu broke down for like the three hundreth time that day, and so he took it to Vekoma. They gave him attitude about not making an appointment and pretty much accused him of screwing the thing up himself, and then they finally took it in. I could see those bozos in the back of the garage. Seven hours in there, and I'm pretty sure they just took out a chain dog and put it right back in. And then he gets the bill for six thousand dollars. I asked him, right in front of the mechanic and sales lady, if he at least got a free jar of Vaseline with that. They didn't think that was all that funny."
Six Flags Great America's friends said they would continue to encourage their "moron dumbass friend" to quit taking his piece of crap coaster to the same imbeciles who sold it to him, and instead check out a local garage such as Schwarzkopf & Sons, right down the street.
--JCK
Six Flags Great America was taunted by its friends for taking its broken-down jalopy to the dealer for service work, say sources close to the park.
"I can't believe this schmuck," said friend Six Flags St. Louis. "First of all, he's an idiot for not listening to me and buying one of those stupid Deja Vu things, which everyone knows break down more than crap from Ford. Then he compounds his stupidity by taking the thing back to the damn dealer for service. What a dips%$t."
Six Flags Great America confirmed that it takes its ride to Vekoma for service, but defended itself, saying, "I don't really know the local mechanics, so I don't know if they're honest or not. And my dealer is the one who gave me the ride, so they probably know best how to fix its myriad problems that crop up on a thousands-of-times-per-day basis. And they explained that they are the only ones who use genuine Toyota parts, so why shouldn't I take it there?"
Said business colleague Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom, "you should've seen this guy last week. Deja Vu broke down for like the three hundreth time that day, and so he took it to Vekoma. They gave him attitude about not making an appointment and pretty much accused him of screwing the thing up himself, and then they finally took it in. I could see those bozos in the back of the garage. Seven hours in there, and I'm pretty sure they just took out a chain dog and put it right back in. And then he gets the bill for six thousand dollars. I asked him, right in front of the mechanic and sales lady, if he at least got a free jar of Vaseline with that. They didn't think that was all that funny."
Six Flags Great America's friends said they would continue to encourage their "moron dumbass friend" to quit taking his piece of crap coaster to the same imbeciles who sold it to him, and instead check out a local garage such as Schwarzkopf & Sons, right down the street.
--JCK
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