Enthusiast Unanimously Mocked by Candidates

Last night's "America Rocks the Vote" Democratic presidential candidate debate provided voters with some key information, as the candidates discussed issues ranging from racism to foreign policy, along with some lighter questions about their personal lives. But one question -- asked by an interloper who grabbed a microphone -- confused every candidate.

"Tell us once and for all," gasped Tod Gormskeninski, long-time ACE member well beyond the debate's 18-to-30-year-old target audience, "The question is key to thousands of coaster enthusiasts across the country, and it's a critical topic in next year's election: Is Superman: the Escape a roller coaster or not?"

While Gormskeninski was carried away by guards, the candidates looked at each other, every one with a confused look. "What the hell was that about?" asked former Vermont Governor Howard Dean, who had answered questions about his computer preference and marijuana use with a straight face. "Was he seriously asking about a roller coaster? Loser."

"Sure is," said Massachusetts Senator John Kerry, previously asked about what he would have done had he been the manager of the Boston Red Sox. "I can't imagine spending one second, much less any serious energy, arguing about whether a particular ride is a roller coaster or not. Who the hell cares? What an idiot."

At that point, all nine candidates joined a chant of "LOSER! LOSER!" while pointing at Gormskeninski, who was vigorously resisting being removed from the hall.

Libertarian candidate and ex-convict Lyndon Larouche issued a statement after the debate stating that Superman: The Escape was indeed a coaster, and that the jackbooted thugs from the IRS who tried to say otherwise should be shot.

Cultural Compentency Test Added To ACE Membership Application

Frustrated by the lack of social mores again demonstrated by ACE members in the last year, club officials have announced the addition of a new "Cultural Competency" test as part of its membership requirement. The test is being formulated now and is expected to go into effect as of January 1, 2004.

New members will be required to take the test prior to their membership being approved, and existing members have one calendar year to attend a testing center and pass the test. ACE Executive Committee members have engineered in a "Grandfather clause" for all current and prior Executive Committee personnel that exempts them from the exam, but all other ACErs must take the test.

In its current form, the test is divided into three parts:

Part One is an extensive questionnaire delving into areas of the prospective member's personal life. Still under review, this section is expected to include a cultural literacy segment, with such questions as "Name an Oscar winning film that did not star Russell Crowe or Leonardo Dicaprio" and "Describe a vacation you took that did not involve coasters." The most challenging aspect of the test is expected to be the "hobby" section, where applicants must demonstrate they have at least one other interest besides coasters. ACE officials warn that there are many "trick" answers that will get you immediately disqualified; woe to the uninformed ACEr who lists "masturbation," "gravy," or "steam trains" as their other hobby.

Part Two is a clothing and grooming quiz. Applicants are requested to bring three items of non-coaster related apparel to the testing location. The items must fit and they must be clean; armpit stains will not be permitted. Testees must also meet minimum standards of personal hygiene.

The third and last segment is expected to be the most difficult; an actual social situation. Those who have made it this far in the testing process enter the social interaction simulator, which is designed to resemble a coaster loading platform. The simulator presents the simple challenge of waiting in line correctly, boarding the coaster without whining about anything or volunteering obscure information such as who tracked the coaster to uninterested tourists, and then exiting without any high-fives, complaints about braking, or the like.

Mobile Testing locations are expected to be set up at many coaster events next year, assuming there are any events next year. Operation Nerd Purge is being financied via private donations from the major theme park chains.

--MBM

Oh, That's Cute, It's a Site All About Coaster Enthusiasts Who Are Also Into Teddy Bears...Oh, Wait.

A word of warning: Before visiting this week's Site O' the Weak, we implore you: mute your computer's speakers. Or you will be subjected to the most annoying MIDI in history, "Baroque Hoedown." You may have already figured out that we have a professional musician among our ranks at AbsolutelyReliableTowers, and he's presently cowering in the corner, ears bleeding, for failing to heed our warning.

Of course, that's not all that awaits you. This is not a site about teddy bear enthusiasts, it's about roller coaster enthusiasts who identify as bears -- that is, "they often have facial or body hair, are friendly and cuddly, and may have (as they say on the ride warning signs) 'large physical proportions.'" (No, this is not just a link to ACE's site. They're not cuddly.) Still confused? Take a look here -- you'll get an idea of what that means. And members get real purty membership cards!

This is actually a pretty well-done site, all in all -- certainly better-designed than a lot of what passes as major coaster sites. We're mostly just pleased to find a site that has a target audience possibly even smaller than ours. So, congratulations, CoasterBears: You're our Site O' the Weak!

Oh, Good God

Celebrate your Halloween hangover in particularly horrifying fashion with this terror-filled discussion at SixFlagsNews.com. We were going to buckle down and write up a nasty story about this stupid thing, but the very sight of it makes us violently, physically ill. Rather than bow before the porcelain god and yawn in technicolor over and over, we're just going to direct you to it so you can deal with it. Go. Taste and enjoy. Now we're going to lie down; just thinking about this forum topic has made our stomachs lurch unappealingly again.

--JCK

ACE Group Mistaken for Scare Actors

A bizarre problem happened last weekend at Lake Compounce, when a group of American Coaster Enthusiasts descended upon the park for a fall event. Although afternoon ERT was carried off with minimal problems, and the waning daylight hours of standard park operation went off without a hitch, difficulties occurred after nightfall.

“We made a tactical error in allowing the ACE members to stick around after ERT,” said park rep Vikki Ulffers. “It didn’t really occur to us just how terrifying the sight of dozens of those people walking through the park would really be. We do employ some scare actors here to help the haunted mood along, but they don’t really mess with small children, and they won’t keep trying to jump at people who have clearly gotten upset. But these coaster enthusiasts just follow random people right into the bathroom, gabbing about airtime and bents and footers…it’s quite terrifying, and they won’t stop.”

Ulffers then began sobbing. “They just…won’t….stop!” she blubbered out, eventually.

Several customers reported problems, as well. “We went into the Haunted Graveyard,” said Mike Carson, 17. “We thought we’d have fun and get scared, and maybe some girls would get freaked out and need ‘the Mikester’ to take their mind off their problems, if you know what I mean.”

Carson continued, “but right in front of us in line were these six coaster people. They were telling people all about their favorite types of bumper cars and buffet items, and then they were demonstrating their Dance Dance Revolution moves for each other. It was horrible. How could Compounce expect to scare anyone with that stupid Graveyard after we already got that horror show for free? Waste of money.”

Even the real scare actors were upset. “Three of us saw these cute chicks who looked sure to be screamers, so we slipped behind them, ready to leap out,” said Daniel Logan, 18. “But then Davie saw these giant red demon monster-beasts oozing toward us. We screamed like little baby girls and ran away, knocking pieces of scenery over and totally ruining that entire section of the haunt. It turned out just to be ACE members in their polyester jackets, but how were we supposed to know a hideous Hell-beast wasn’t coming to crack us in half and suck out our organs?”

Logan noted that, “it was pretty much impossible to have any credibility as a scare actor after running away squealing pathetically in my own haunted house, so I had to retire and look for a new job.”

Said Jeb Seeberg, American Coaster Enthusiasts Assistant Bursar and Extra-Special Undersecretary in Charge of Berating Forum Participants Who Have Different Opinions From Him, Claiming Websites are Inaccurate Without Backing Up Said Statements at All, and Foaming Rabidly at the Mouth, “I demand the immediate execution of anyone who thinks ACE members are scary!”

--JCK

Bachelor’s ERT Wasted

Enthusiasts across the nation shook their heads in amazement last Wednesday as they watched “Bachelor Bob,” star of ABC’s The Bachelor spend exclusive after-hours time in Paramount’s Great America wooing a woman instead of marathon-riding Top Gun.

“What a waste!” proclaimed Jeremy Jungfrau of Palo Alto. “They had PGA all to themselves and wasted that precious ERT on a candlelit dinner? And worse, instead of riding after dinner they talk and make out? Total and complete waste of ERT, man!”

Jungfrau, who admits to experiencing an erection at seeing Paramount’s Great America and, more specifically, the Top Gun roller coaster on prime time television, could not believe that only a few shots were of the rides in the park. “All the shots were just Bob and Mary walking around eating – why anyone would go to a theme park with a chick is beyond me. They always just want to use the bathroom, and never want to ride coasters.”

Jeremy then said that he plans to re-view Robb Alvey’s 2002 coaster video every Wednesday at 9/8central instead of The Bachelor – “At least the chick in Alvey’s videos gets on the rides.”

--MMS

Six Flags Restricts Crack and Heroin to Designated Areas

In a bold and surprising move today, Six Flags, Inc. announced that, beginning with the 2004 park season, all of its properties would restrict the use of crack and heroin to designated areas only. Until this point, park patrons were officially banned from firing up the crack pipes and plunging needles into their arms while actually in line, but the rules have generally not been enforced by the five security guards employed by the entire chain.

“After receiving numerous guest complaints about the pathways being strewn with needles, drug dealers not having the courtesy to at least light up their rocks a reasonable distance from young children, whacked-out patrons using giant Six Flags Gift Shoppe Crack Bongs as bludgeoning devices, and a fog of burning crack pretty much blocking the view of anything more than six feet away, we have made the profound step of restricting drug usage at our amusement venues,” said Six Flags CEO Gary Story. “Beginning in 2004, crack and heroin may be used only within designated ‘Junkie Zones.’”

Story continued on to say that “Six Flags very much welcomes drug users and pushers to its parks, as it always has. We don’t wish to offend this valuable group of customers. However, our new policy will still allow these fine people to get high as a f**king kite, rather than getting those embarrassing withdrawal cramps and sweats, while families who do not approve of crack and heroin will not be exposed to it.”

When asked whether Six Flags was in any way influenced by the Holiday World decision to restrict smoking only to designated areas in its park next season, Story scoffed. Or he might have gagged on some phlegm. We didn’t ask. Anyway, he responded by saying, “Oh good grief, no. First of all, there’s no reason anyone should ever ban cigarettes. Why, everyone knows that the smooth, mellow flavor of an unfiltered Pall Mall coursing through your lungs helps improve digestion and circulation! We’ll naturally still allow smoking everywhere in our parks, particularly in the target eleven-year-olds-in-line demographic. And especially at Six Flags New England.

“And by the way, why would you think we’d copy anything about Holiday World? Lame failures that no one likes or enjoys, like Holiday World, Indiana Beach, and Knoebel’s, really should be taking our lead on how to do a park up right. Sheesh. Sorry, now I really have to go look at that mountain of complaint forms and see how many billions of dollars of debt we racked up today!”

--JCK

State Fair of Texas Cancels "Alternative" Sponsorship

After experimenting with Trojan condoms as the sponsor of Big Tex (renamed "Big Sex" for the fair) in 2003 the State Fair of Texas has opted not to renew the contract for next year.  For this year's event Big Tex was given a 50-foot animatronic penis.  "We thought that it would be a lark," said fair manager Keith Turner.  "Everyone knows that unmarried people in Texas do not have premarital sex, so the idea of advertising condoms was just silly.  Of course, it makes it hard to explain why our abstinence-only sex ed. program has Texas ranked 46 out of 50 states in terms of teen pregnancy rates."

Fair officials were worried that the large, throbbing member of Big Sex damaged its reputation.  The animatronic cowboy's operator, Don Sales, was discouraged.  "People were taking some pretty inappropriate pictures.  I saw one woman pose in front of Tex and pretend that she was holding his" (here he coughed and blushed) "testicles.  That's just not right," he lamented.  He did note that the chocolate-covered banana concession stand located next to the statue did very well.  "I heard they nearly doubled last year's take," said Sales.

Trojan C.F.O. Mark Davis was disappointed that the fair chose not to renew the Big Sex concept for 2004.  "It was a blow to us," he said.  "But, we understand that not everyone is comfortable seeing a 50-foot phallus winking at them from the midway.  In addition, this created some conceptual problems since we wanted to market the female condom at next year's fair."

Rayleen Crawdson of Waco was one of the people offended by Big Tex's protruding peter.  "I seen lots of rude things in my lifetime," Crawdson said as she spat chew on this ARN&R reporter, "but this really bothered me."  She went on to say that as a good Christian woman God told her "what was appropriate," just like "the good Lord tells George Bush what countries are makin' bombs."

Other potential sponsors had hoped to cash in on the "sex fad" in Texas but are now reexamining their marketing options.  "We wanted to make some sort of interactive display that would be housed next to the pottery workshop," said Vivid Video president Steve Simmons.  "Now we are going to have to find a new place to house the 'Oral, Anal & Gangbang Interactive Fun Room.'"

Trojan's Davis has been talking to local strip clubs about moving his robot penis outside their venue.  He said, "I don't understand it.  There are titty bars [Ed. Note: that's the Texas vernacular for strip clubs] all over this town; they seem to run even with the churches.  Yet, put the sex out in the open and everyone has a problem with it.  I just hope that I can sell Big Tex's penis to the Burrowing Beaver or the Red Snapper."

They say everything is bigger in Texas. In this reporter's eyes it is a sad state of affairs that Big Tex will once again be hung like Ken.

-- FMB

Worst. Site. Ever.

We've been giving out our Site O' the Weak honors for a while now, and we haven't made any particular distinction in the level of hideousness between the awful monstrosities we've mocked. However, just because we never came up with an Extra-Special Super Platinum Business Class Ultra-Bling-Bling Site O' the Weak O' the Millennium doesn't mean we shouldn't have for this week's honoree.

Have a gander, if you dare, at the Road Trip Website, an internet destination so stultifyingly, mind-bogglingly wretched as to defy the English language to produce terms capable of describing its dreadfulness.

Okay, once you get to the front page, you'll locate a logo for EPCOT, then there's a picture of EPCOT that appears to be from an actual camera, then some other shot that's blatantly stolen from some Disney promotional materials. And then there's....um...hang on. Uh...well....ah yes. That's it. Yes, folks, the website actually has no content whatsoever. There's nothing else. Although we do applaud the Road Trip page for getting rid of their original front-page scheme, which consisted of exactly one gigantic image stolen lock, stock, and barrel from another coaster site...and nothing else.

--JCK

Put On Your Sunglasses

We got a little distracted there with the ACE fun, and so we forgot to do the Site O' the Weak on Monday. So here's one for the half-week, and it's really only half-lame. It's Lawrie's Carnival and Amusement Park Pages!

If you can manage to block your eyes from the design and color selection horror show, this is probably actually a pretty decent site, if you happen to be looking for information about Finland's amusement parks and carnivals. But...those colors! They burn! They burn!

In any event, thanks, Lawrie! We're glad to know you're a big boy! And we're only slightly creeped out by your interest in watching cheerleader competitions ("There may be literally hundreds of stunning looking girls in mini skirts performing just for you...")!