A Little Hiatus, Maybe

A couple of us are heading off to the nether regions (read: Mississippi and the like), so we may be updating a bit less often. We are certain this will cause much gnashing of teeth, but we assure you: you will get through it.

But hopefully, some IAAPA updates will be coming soon, if our exclusive IAAPA correspondent manages to awaken from the drunken revelry we presume is occurring.

Michael Jackson Spotted at California Amusement Park

Sources exclusive to ARN&R have confirmed a Michael Jackson sighting Wednesday at Pixieland Amusement Park in Concord, CA. According to eyewitnesses, Jackson looked disoriented as he wandered around the Frog Hopper, asking various guests if they knew where he could find someone named Randy.

Park security was notified of Jackson’s presence and stepped in immediately to get the King of Pop away from any small boys. Jackson created a distraction by pulling off his nose, and then escaped.

Our sources think that Jackson confused the Pixieland theme park, a wonderful place for children of all ages, with Pixyland, a website operated by Randy Constan, an adult male who enjoys dressing as Peter Pan.

The California Sheriff’s Office has been notified and the ‘man’ hunt still continues as of press time.

--MMS

ARN&R Editor Incredibly Lame

ARN&R's Editor in Chief and Supreme Naval Commander recently recognized the truth: he's incredibly lame.

The insight came on a business trip to Cincinnati. While paging through the hotel's tourist guide, he came across a sidebar advertising Paramount's Kings Island. Rather than continuing to page through the glossy magazine, perhaps finding a gallery to visit or an historic house to explore, he spent a full minute in alternating shock and amusement in response to the use of a photograph of the suspended coaster Top Gun to advertise the park.

"Ha!" he exclaimed, incredibly lamely. "Those fools! How can they expect to get people to come to the park using a photograph of an Arrow suspended coaster!" Adding to his utter lameness, he continued: "Even Son of Beast would be a better draw -- and Face Off and Racer each have much better visuals for an advertisement!"

He then shook his head with a slight and lame giggle. He did, however, somehow manage to resist making an incredibly lame joke about the photograph to his colleagues in meetings the next day.

Hersheypark to Promote New, Healthy Image for 2004

The Hershey Entertainment Group announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that 2004 will not only be a big season for new attractions, but will be the first year for an entirely new image for Hersheypark.

Citing concerns about the quality of Americans' health, especially those in Central Pennsylvania, a committee of fully trained and highly experienced consultants hired by Hersheypark encouraged park and corporate management to make some drastic changes to the park's environment and image for next season.

"We don't want to be responsible for any bad habits that park guests pick up," said consultant Bob Slidel at the press conference. "Obesity in America is a chronic disease and we want to do our part to prevent it. That is why we are suggesting some big and spectacular changes to management to, hopefully, encourage park guests to slim down and keep healthy habits such as a good diet, hand washing, exercise, and regular bathing." Slidel's final statement resulted in low-level violence by ACErs in attendance, who were easily restrained by security guards.

Some of the changes that Mr. Slidel outlined at the press conference include:

* The name of the park will be changed from HersheyPark to HealthyPark to encourage a healthy lifestyle.

* No chocolate will be sold in the park to anyone over 250 pounds. Weight must be verified at the park entrance and printed on a wrist band that must be worn at all times.

* The Kissing Tower will be renamed the Protected Intercourse tower to promote safe sex and hopefully discourage the nasty, disgusting act known as kissing.

* The Hershey Chocolate World attraction outside the park will be rethemed and reopen as Healthypark Soy World promoting the countless and limitless use of soy and soy byproducts in everyday life. There will also be isoflavones.

* All park guests will be required to wash their hands before, after, and while using the restoom. Armed guards will be posted at each and every restroom exit.

* Gravy will no longer be served in the park except for during coaster enthusiast events. Only guests with valid ACE membership cards will be allowed to purchase gravy during these times.

We here at ARN&R applaud the changes at Hersheypark and we wish them the best of luck in changing the world.

--WCT

ACErs Warned to be on Best Behavior at IAAPA by Club Officials

IAAPA is almost here again, and, unfortunately, random coaster enthusiasts are certain to show up. Wacky hijinks are sure to ensue as the ordinary rabble clashed with Executive Committee members at the ACE booth on the showroom floor! Thank goodness someone is out there to start a rec.roller-coaster thread reminding ACE members to show up wearing something other than a Beast thong, flip-flops, and a coaster shirt with yellow armpit stains. Check out the hot enthusiast bickering action here!

If your sanity can survive a few pages of this stuff, then you too can also learn that Jesus was perfect!

--CSB/JCK/and Introducing Very Special Guest Star MMS as "MMS"

Alton Towers to Debut "Bathtime With Attitude"

In a creative move to remain on the cutting edge of theme park thrills, Alton Towers this week announced the 2004 debut of Bathtime With Attitude, a "new and energetic ride concept thrill excitement attraction thing," according to a park rep who insisted he would urinate upon us if we divulged his actual name.

According to the rep, "the park plans to do a major rehab and retheming of the flume ride, in order to give it that extra something special. It will be more thrilling, and yet will also be more appealing for families. It's a perfect addition, and the theming will be highly immersive."

ARN&R has seen plans for the ride, and can confirm that the theming will indeed be extensive. Aside from the flume vehicles themselves being converted to look like large bathtubs, each will be, in the words of the AT rep, "populated by a surly, obnoxious young child who is being forced to take a bath against his wishes."

"The child will throw an incredible tantrum the instant the bathtubs leave the station," says the rep. "He will angrily splash water on occupants of the vehicle, scream incessantly, and throw his rubber ducky and bars of soap at passengers. No rider will be able to console the grubby urchin as he yells obscenities, kicks and screams while being toweled off, and, from time to time, defecates in the water just to be a filthy brat."

The Alton Towers representative added that most of the candidates to serve as rotten little bathtub brats would be home-schooled, in order to maximize their potential irritating, anti-social behavior.

--JCK

Exclusive IAAPA Coverage Coming Soon

As ARN&R has done for over three centuries, we've got a phalanx of reporters on the ground in Orlando, combing the grounds for exclusive ARN&R breaking news.

We'll keep you updated, of course, but for now, just this one nugget of fun: Sources indicate that there may be a new food product on a stick announced at this year's show.

Dean Receives Non-Endorsement From ACE

According to an official statement from the American Coaster Enthusiasts Saturday, the organization will not be endorsing Democratic presidential hopeful Howard Dean. The group stopped short of naming the candidate it would actually support in the upcoming election, meaning that the others who are running for office will be aggressively courting ACE and its tremendous and powerful voting block.

"Howard Dean posits himself as a major player in the race for president," said ACE spokesperson Max Liswell. "Unfortunately for Dr. Dean, he has been governor of a state that does not possess, nor ever possessed, any roller coasters of any sort. This sort of neglect of what we as a group find most important is mind-bogglingly stupid. We hereby denounce the campaign of Dr. Dean. Let him scurry back to his maple-encrusted, amusement-parkless state without our vote of confidence."

"Well, what can I say?" said a clearly upset Dean. "This sucks. This sucks donkeys. But we'll continue to carry on our fight, even without these extremely important 8,000 voters, at least a hundred of whom might vote so long as Election Day doesn't coincide with some special down at Old Country Buffet, and their monster influence behind us. We'll just make up for this crushing defeat by reaching out to rednecks who drive pickups smeared with confederate flags. Both groups have lots of pasty white people with mullets who can't read, so it's a pretty similar voting block."

Early reports that ACE plans to offer its endorsement of failed California governor candidate Gary Coleman could not be confirmed.

--JCK

Explicit Video of Twisted Twins Discovered

The coaster community was rocked with the revelation that an explicit videotape of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's racing coaster "Twisted Twins" had been uploaded to the Internet and had been downloaded thousands of times.

The tape, made when the coaster was younger and known as "Twisted Sisters," reportedly features extremely raw footage of both Lola and Stella (the names given to the ride's respective tracks) in various shocking positions with both Thunder Run and Chang. At one point, Thunder Run is heard exclaiming, "Once you've had two tracks, you'll never go back!" The video comes on the heels of a widely-distributed photograph of Lola exiting a stretch pickup truck limo in rural Kentucky; in that photo, her lack of underwear is clearly visible.

Six Flags Inc. had no official comment on either the video or the photograph. Reliable sources in the park chain's Oklahoma headquarters said that executives "weren't mad, just disappointed," and that the emotions at the headquarters had not been so intense since the time Six Flags Over Texas's Mr. Freeze was found in a humiliating position with Batman: The Ride. The legal proceedings from that discovery were ended with the U.S. Supreme Court's decision earlier this year striking down the Texas prohibition on sodomy.

Sellner Introduces Traffic Jam

Spurred on by the excitement that its newly redesigned Tilt-a-Whirl cars have created, veteran ride manufacturer Sellner has taken the concept one step further.

"Many people have been giving us positive feedback," said a Sellner spokesperson, "commenting on how our new cab designs look like bumper cars. That gave us our new idea."

The prototype ride will be called Traffic Jam. It features the new Tilt-a-Whirl cars -- but three times as many compared with a typical ride. The cars are welded onto the ride platform, which itself is welded to the loading ramps. No rotation or motion of any sort is allowed by the design.

"The great thing about this ride is that maintenance issues are completely eliminated. We've taken the bold step of creating an exciting ride that doesn't move at all, just like a real traffic jam! People will be able to relive the thrill of getting to and from the park!"

The excitement will be enhanced by an elaborate sound system underneath the ride platform that will blast automotive noises at up to 150 decibels. "With all the vibrations," the spokesperson said, "people will feel like they're moving!" Completing the experience will be a set of small diesel engines belching fumes around the riders.

"We're using something all park patrons are familiar with and taking it to the next level. This is the next generation of thrills."

Six Flags corporation has already placed orders for 17 of the rides.

--JRD