New Pittsburgh Park to Offer Free Puppies, Liquor, Lodging

The enthusiast community is abuzz with discussion of a proposed new Pittsburgh-area amusement park to be known as Only in America Amusement Complex. To be built for just over $100 million, early reports indicate that the park promises short lines, major rides including very long coasters, occasional "free days," and a very low admission fee.

In an exclusive investigative report, ARN&R can report that the park will also provide each visitor with a free purebred puppy, an open bar (for those of proper age), and free luxury accomodations.

"We're pretty excited about all of this," said a high-level executive of the park, reached at his current job as a sandwich technician at a Subway. "We picked up a case of MGD a couple of weeks ago and did the math while watching Price is Right, and we're pretty sure $15 per patron will be plenty to cover all of that, plus a tidy profit for us."

The management team is exploring other options to make the park more appealing, including offering complimentary private jet transportation for anyone wishing to visit from more than fifty miles away, a roving team of Swedish masseuses (taking the place of the traditional theme park marching band), and a daily winner, chosen at random, of a full-year all-expenses-paid around-the-world vacation.

Enthusiast chooses Worlds Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration over Gas, Electric

Martin Saugenesel of Duluth, Minnesota is the latest victim in a supraliminal advertising campaign for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, available through an online Christmas Decorations store. Sauganesel, who prides himself on both his coaster enthusiasm and his love of collecting ‘coaster-related Christmas ornaments,’ found the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration after a Google search on ‘roller coaster Christmas’ and was hooked immediately.

“The web page spoke to me – after only a couple of paragraphs, I knew that the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration could help me to spread the joy of Christmas, and roller coasters, to the world!” Martin also wouldn’t let the steep price of $100 deter him from purchasing the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration, and skipped paying his utility bills in order to purchase the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration. “The love I feel for the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration will keep me warm this December,” said the overly optimistic Sauganesel as he contemplated a full-color printout of the World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration.

This is not the first coaster-related ornament to touch the life of this man, a devout member of his local Lutheran church, as well as ACE, Coasterbuzz, and Duluth Organization for Rollercoaster Knowledge, a club he founded with his best friend, Rudy. “I went to my local Hallmark Gold Crown store to purchase the Polar Coaster ornament – I was really lucky, I got to buy the display because there were none in stock. However, the Hallmark store employees did not give the Polar Coaster the respect it deserves – not like the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration website.”

Martin Saugenesel is waiting, in darkness and cold, for his World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration to arrive. “I don’t need heat or electricity – the World’s Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is going warm my heart and light my path to the true meaning of Christmas!”

--MMS

[Ed. Note: The World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration is also this week's lucky winner of the Site O' the Weak! Congratulations, World's Fair Roller Coaster Christmas Decoration!]

Thrillnetwork Launches Pretty New Site, Still Has Same Laughably Pathetic 14-Year-Old Users

The online amusement park enthusiast community expressed great excitement recently, as Thrillnetwork launched its new, revamped product. According to a representative of the website, the creators of Thrillnetwork had high hopes for the new layout and content.

"In our past incarnation, we had some problems with lots of horny, stupid teenagers posting completely inane nonsense on the forums," said the rep. "We felt that our redesigned site, with its easy navigability and professional layout, would encourage these wankers to look elsewhere for their useless forum babblings. Sadly, we were wrong."

Heaving a profound sigh, the representative directed reporters to view the following recent pathetic Thrillnetwork forum topics: "age when you had your first girlfriend/boyfriend," "Keep her or dump her???," and "Pray For me Guys. I Need It."

"Damn," added the Thrillnetwork rep.

--The ARN&R Staff

Shocking Spoilers for 24 Revealed

ARN&R has received reports from confidential inside sources that the plotline for the Fox drama 24 will soon take an amazing turn even more shocking than anything that has previously taken place during the show's three-year run.

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According to the source, Jack Bauer (portrayed by Kiefer Sutherland) will suddenly "just become totally f***ing fed up with this bulls***" in an episode to air about three weeks from now. Bauer will suddenly decide that "he's tired of dealing with all this crap, and he needs to relieve some stress with some good scream therapy."

In the episode, Bauer will make a dramatic escape from some horrifying situation against impossible odds, save his idiot daughter from either being kidnapped by someone or eaten by a Tabby kitten (the details are still being finalized), pick up Special Agent Timberlake, and fly in a hijacked jet to join perpetually-stressed President David Palmer for a few hours at Universal Studios, where all can unwind from a tough day of waging war against terrorists. (At a press conference, Palmer will reportedly confuse the press with the cryptic statement "hats for bats!" long enough to slip out the back exit of his hotel in order to get to Universal in time to meet Bauer.) Exit passes and ERT on certain rides will make the evening particularly enjoyable.

"The writers at 24 were brainstorming the other day, and they just sorta figured anyone who had three different days this sh**ty would just throw his hands up and tell everyone to f*** off eventually," said the source. "So then they decided he might just escape and have a nice vacation at a location where the producers could film with ease, and just leave that terrorist-fighting hero garbage to someone else for a few hours for a change."

Our source also reported that dramatic tension would not be lessened with the impromptu theme park vacation, because "there are plenty of ways Bauer's dumbass daughter could get in trouble and have to be saved, even at Universal. She might get kidnapped by petting zoo llamas, or get lost in the bathroom, or even get chased around by horny teenage ACE members who see her in a tight white tank top on a cold day, right after she gets out of the front row of the Jurrasic Park water ride. The possibilities are endless."

--JCK

Enthusiast Has Superb Orgasm

Howard Ferstler, a 50-year-old member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, managed this evening to have an orgasm for the first time in several days. According to Ferstler, this orgasm was amazingly powerful and voluminous. It was also, naturally, the product of self-stimulation.

"I had a horrible weekend," said Ferstler. "I rent a room from this family right down the road from Canobie Lake Park, which enabled me to bring myself explosively to fruition several times every day. I could bash my bald ferret into submission pretty much all morning and afternoon, since the big living room window has a nice view of the dogleg on the Yankee Cannonball just a bit down the street. Also, the people I rent from actually have jobs, so, for many hours each day, that leaves me with a variety of furnitures to sit on, and a wide array of paper products I can choose from when cleaning up the love goo."

Ferstler told ARN&R that the huge New England blizzard created problems for him for several days. "It was horrible," he said. "All that snow, and the high winds. It was a complete mess. I mean, it wasn't a problem for me as far as being in the snow or anything. I don't have a job, I wouldn't be making any coaster trips anyway due to the fact that no parks are open this time of year, and, most importantly, I can order in as much pizza, pork rinds, and biscuit mix as I want online and have it delivered to me. No, my nightmare this weekend was not being able to see Yankee Cannonball at all, which made it really difficult to slap Yul Brynner the high-five!"

The ACEr went on to detail how he had shopped for the perfect house to rent a room from all summer, selecting this one entirely for its "majestic and stimulating view" of one of Ferstler's favorite rides. "From September until last week, I could always see this wonderful bulging mass of wood, and I could reach a climax in mere seconds by doing battle with the purple-headed yogurt slinger, while simultaneously gazing upon the gorgeous Yankee Cannonball form thrusting up into the air, glistening with fresh grease. But then all that snow arrived, and the wind swirled the stuff around, and I couldn't see my beautiful coaster at all for the entire weekend. How on Earth could anyone be expected to adequately bitch-slap their little Sith Lord without a good woodie to stare at?"

Ferstler concluded by issuing forth a stern reprimand to the state of New Hampshire. "I don't approve of all this snow they have up here," he said. "I thought it was a pain to go ten rounds with the one-eyed trouser clown back in Georgia. I mean, the place I rented near Lake Winnepesaukah was only close enough that I had to walk six blocks up to a back fence, where I could stare at their woodie while I choked myself into emission, and I got hauled off to jail a few times for some reason, but at least it pretty much never snowed down there."

"That orgasm I had today while looking at Yankee Cannonball and squeezing my toothpaste from the middle of the tube was pretty damn good, though," Ferstler said, gazing with affection toward Canobie Lake's gates.

--JCK

Check Out These Awesome Roller Coasters

Our new Site O' the Weak is the Eric Kevitz Homepage. Eric's front page has some information about surfing and about Costa Rica, and a nice animated file of Garfield that seems to have no purpose whatsoever. Eric also appears to be strangely fixated on his amazing Ford Taurus.

But just having a lame site about all the exciting specs for your car won't get you nominated for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak. Oh, no. For that honor, a website must suck and also reference the amusement industry in some fashion. Fortunately, Eric has a fantastic Montanas Rusas web page to fulfill our exacting requirements. On this excellent page, visitors can note that the webmaster thinks both Alpengeist and Apollo's Chariot are "awesome roller coasters," while providing a link to stories about these rides at Thrillride.

Yep. That's it.

--JCK

ARN&R Staff Still Alive

We've been receiving an onslaught of mail here at the Absolutely Reliable Mail Room, inquiring whether everything is okay, seeing as we didn't post any material from Wedensday morning until late this afternoon. Well, okay, one person sent an email asking if we were alive. Just one. We can tell how much you care. It's touching, really.

But yes, we are fine. One of the editors is still busying himself with work down in the sumptious glory of Mississippi, while the other one was just in Vermont for the last several days, with his car buried under snow drifts as tall as him, blockaded by a veritable wall of nature from getting to any public computers and amusing the snowbound masses with witty articles about gravy and masturbation. Or something.

But we can only be restrained for so long. The Editor in Chief left a nice new article for you today, and the Assistant Editor is back in force as of late this evening. And he'll be trying to find a way to write an amusement park story that also includes a scathing missive about how much Vermont sucks moist donkey balls when it comes to keeping its stupid highways sanded and plowed properly.

--JCK

Stengel Hall of Fame Cap Announcement Upcoming

The amusement industry will be looking on with great anticipation this Friday, as the International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) will announce which team cap Werner Stengel's plaque will bear when he is inducted into the IAAPA Hall of Fame later this season.

Fans of amusement rides everywhere were ecstatic with the announcement, at this year's IAAPA in November, that Stengel had received the requisite number of votes from the Amusement Writers Association of America (AWAA), meaning the veteran designer would finally receive the recognition many feel he deserves by having his plaque hung in the Mighty Hall of Designers.

"The Wernster should have been in the Hall long ago," said ESPN's Trey Wingo, a Stengel supporter. "I can't believe it took six years of eligibility for this giant figure in the world of amusement rides to be voted in by the writers. But at least he did get in, and he should bask in the glow of a fulfilling career."

Somewhat tainting the thrill of seeing Stengel inducted was the flap created earlier this week, when the designer told reporters he "would not show up for the induction ceremony unless I go in as an Intamin player." This apparently stems both from Stengel's love of the organization where he made much of his good name and most superior designs, as well as the hatred he has for his former organization, the Boston Red Sox.

"Stengel felt that he had given many years of outstanding professional service to the Sox, designing through pain and loyally sticking it out through tough years," notes Wingo. "But then former General Manager Dan Duquette refused to make Stengel an offer to stay on, calling him 'washed up,' 'in the twilight of his career,' and 'venturing into Toomer territory.' Stengel felt the Sox were disrespecting him and he's never forgiven them for it. I feel sorry for the flap that's been created by Wernie's comments, but I can't say I blame him."

The IAAPA Hall of Fame has the final say in what cap inductees are pictured wearing on their caps. The announcement of the final design of Stengel’s Hall of Fame plaque comes this Friday at 3:00 PM, while the Hall of Fame inductions will actually take place on December 18th.

--JCK

Welcome!

Hope all you "wedgie photos" fans found what you were looking for.

X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD