Could You Please Turn Down the Volume on That Website?

We've got a new gem for your perusal: the Awesome Coasters Website. Just be sure to lower the blast shield on your helmet before clicking the link. You'll enjoy the eye-scalding color scheme much more with some facial protection. Be sure to scroll through the entire website for helpful hints, lots of alleged links that don't link anywhere, and some good old-fashioned retinal trauma.

Link up with Awesome Coasters, the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

A Christmas Message to the Poor: Suck On It

ARN&R Guest Column by Tim Jenson, President Emeritus of the Greater Cleveland Coaster Fanatics

I am so damn tired about being lectured about giving to the "poor and less fortunate" over the Christmas season. You know what? I work for a living and I don't need others telling me that I need to spend my hard-earned money on people that don't have heat or children digging their Christmas dinners out of dumpsters. Hey kids, tell mom and dad to get a job or convert to a religion without presents.

Some of my co-workers at Best Buy thought that it was rude of me to not give anything to the Salvation Army bell ringers this year. Well, some of us are saving up for that America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Ultimate Scream Machines DVD (Digital Collector's Edition). With the employee discount it should be mine in no time. All over America religious and secular leaders tell me that I need to give money to help people. How am I going to witness over twenty coasters in glorious 5.1 surround sound if I keep giving everything I make away?

If these goody two shoes had their way I would not have saved enough for the entire Horse Creek Production series. Trust me, it was worth the money. At Coaster Con last year I met a fine lady named Tina. While she couldn't fit in a lot of the rides we had fun hanging out Das Festhaus. I am sure that the Horse Creek POV of the boomerang at Wild Adventures is what allowed me to feel her roast beef curtains that magical night she came back to my room at the Super 8.

I am not saying I never help those less fortunate. In fact, last week I tried to sell Goodwill my Top Thrill Dragster shirt autographed by the guy who walks the track on Junior Gemini and they wouldn't give me anything for it. If this is how charity works then I want no part of it. I am just tired of those limousine liberals like Jesus telling me to help others. What a crock of shit.

P.S.: I appreciate ARN&R giving me the space to air my concerns about the Christmas season with like-minded coaster enthusiasts. My "Steel 4 Me (Coasters that Is!)" column usually appears on Thrillnetwork, but ever since the "incident" I had in their chatroom where I tried to polish VekomaRulz's chainlift I haven't been allowed to log in.

--Transcribed by FMB

Hurler Theming Returns

Sources close to the Paramount chain of amusement parks tell ARN&R that the Hurler coasters at King's Dominion and Carowinds will have their theming returned for the 2004 season.

Opening as part of the Wayne's World section at each of the two parks, the Hurler coasters featured a preshow by Wayne and Garth, while the ride and station featured music by Queen and Joan Jett. In recent years, the television monitors have been silent, while the popular Queen hits have vanished from the lift hill. But that's all about to change.

"Visitors should expect a return to a full themed experience," says the source. "Of course, after Cat in the Hat, we certainly weren't going to invite Mike Myers back to do Wayne for the ride, so the television monitors will still not be used. However, we will return to having hard rock pumping out of the lift hill speakers, and the immersive Queen experience of the coaster will be greatly enhanced with a bunch of ride ops and maintenance workers themed as Queen guitarist Brian May. It's inexpensive for us and tons of fun for riders, a win-win situation!

The source also noted that Paramount intended to have Queen lead singer Freddie Mercury give a performance for the rollout of the revamped Hurler theming this Spring, but, for "some odd reason" had not yet managed to locate him.

--JCK

Dinn Unsure About Attending Future Company Parties

Denise Dinn has expressed concern about attending any more company parties, according to sources. The former president of CCI, now head of the wood coaster division of S&S/Arrow, developed this impression during the S&S New Year's Eve party last night.

"All of our parties at CCI were so...sedate," said Dinn this afternoon. "Wine, appetizers, some jazz. But this Stan Checketts guy...wow, those S&S dudes can party their asses off. Out of control."

Dinn added that she was unable to attend last year's New Year's party in the nightclub hotspot of Logan, Utah, her first with the company, so this was her first experience with the hard-core party boys with the compressed air fetish. "I knew Stan was pretty wild," said Dinn. "But things got out of control pretty quick. First we had tequilla shots, and then he made us all do the Electric Slide while suspended from a bungi cord attached to his Thrust Air prototype. Then we went to Vegas and rode the Big Shot forty times. Everyone else freeballed it, but I declined."

Dinn added, "and right before I left the party, Stan was discussing making the entire sales staff dip their naked bodies in lime green paint and rub themselves all over some Frog Hoppers before they were shipped out, so the kids could be 'exposed' to modern art. Wow. I passed on that."

Dinn noted that next year she "might see what Toomer's up to instead of hitting the official company party."

--JCK

Amusement Parks are so Fun!

Yep, it's time, kiddies. We've kicked that hideous holiday ornament website to the curb and hooked you up with a brand-new Site O' the Weak: Carlianne's Hobbies Page. (Carlianne???)

Be patient, as Carlianne's webpage may take quite some time to load if, like certain assistant editors, you still have dial-up. You see, Carlianne is so excited to share all of her hobbies, she put all of them on one endless webpage!

Please join us in experiencing Carlianne's exciting sitting-by-the-fire, shopping, and rubber-stampin' hobbies, hear how she likes "reading about godly romantic love stories, and how to pursue relationships in a way that pleases God," and find out her sister is named "Sharnessa" and sings in a band that everyone should see, "cuz they're REALLY AWESOME...and they TOTALLY love Jesus!"

Of course, it wouldn't make our Site O' the Weak unless it had some amusement parks. Carlianne provides us with exclamation-point-laden descriptions of Wild Waves/ Enchanted Village and West Edmonton Mall ("It was soooo much fun!!!!").

Congratulations Carlianne! You can add "appearing on Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors" as one of your six trillion hobbies!

--JCK

Six Flags Stock Prices Leaps on News of Christmas Income

Six Flags Theme Parks (NYSE: PARK) saw its stock price leap some 23% yesterday on news of unexpected income over the holidays.

According to Gary Story, outgoing park chain COO, the company received $25 in cash in a "really cute" holiday card from its great aunt and an additional $35 from its grandmother.

Additionally, Story and Kieran Burke, the chain's CEO, worked part-time over the holdiays at a Hickory Farms mall kiosk, bringing in a total of $645 after taxes. The net to the chain was $623, as Burke lost his uniform and its cost was deducted from his final paycheck.

"This $683 in pure profits is a great sign," said stock analyst Robert Damen of SmithBarneySolomonBurkeKline. "That's approximately, let me do the math, $683 more in profits than we've seen from them in years. If the chain stops operating its parks and shifts entirely to relative-sourced income and part-time work involving well-sealed sausages, it might just have a winning strategy. If, however, it continues to pursue the 'amusement park' idea, it's pretty much doomed."

Reports indicate that Story and Burke may pursue a job at an Oklahoma City mall location of Orange Julius, as the Hickory Farms kiosk is a seasonal operation. Burke is reportedly "addicted" to the outlet's "Cocoa Latte Swirls" and has become obsessed with obtaining an employee discount.

Reindeer Attacks Reporter

On Christmas Eve, numerous news sources in the United States carried footage of a pissed-off reindeer assaulting a reporter who had apparently spooked the animal by making a sudden movement while doing on on-air segment for an Alaska television station. What was only just discovered was that the reporter also provoked the reindeer beforehand with inflammatory taunts.

"It was just a shameless attempt to encourage a Santa-beast to tackle and molest me on TV," a contrite Meghan Stapleton told ARN&R in a private interview today. "I just wanted some ratings. I mean, I have to work in Alaska, for crying out loud. I snapped. Sorry."

ARN&R then learned from Stapleton that her statements to "Blitzen" were indeed caustic and insulting, and certainly were largely responsible for the assault by cloven hoof. "I figured it would have to cut deep if I were to get the reindeer to make a spectacle for the cameras," said Stapleton with a shrug. "So I whispered that I knew he loved Vekoma Boomerangs and that Raging Wolf Bobs was his favorite wood coaster. Man, he went ape-s**t."

"I mean deer-s**t," Stapleton corrected, after a moment.

Stapleton's affiliate has not thus far announced any disciplinary measures for the reporter's baiting of an interviewee.

--JCK

Santa: Rudy's Rapid Transit a "Pathetic Imitation of a Sleigh Ride With Me"

Earlier today, Santa Claus took time off from a busy schedule of toy-making and coal-firing to denounce Rudy's Rapid Transit, a family roller coaster at Santa's Village, a small park in New Hampshire.

"This ride is an utter mockery of my reputation and standing in the community," said the not-so-jolly elf. "This park presents Rudy's Rapid Transit as a themed coaster meant to simulate riding in Santa's sleigh, pulled by Rudolph and the other reindeer. Bah! It's an absolutely pathetic f***ing imitation of the thrilling ride one would actually experience, would one be so fortunate as to ride in the actual sleigh controlled by yours truly. My sleigh ride is faster, taller, more unpredictable, and has f***ing spectacular rooftop landings. This piece of s*** goes like 10 miles an hour in a little figure eight."

"We're more than a little embarrassed," stated Santa's Village manager Geoffrey Bernardo. "Santa just showed up here a few days ago, wanting to ride the coaster. Although we've been closed for the season for some time, and the entire state is freezing cold, we naturally warmed the 'Triple R' up for Santa so he could ride. I mean, it's Santa, for crying out loud."

Apparently, Santa experienced forty minutes of EST (Exclusive Sleigh Time) on the coaster before asking to be let off. "Santa stormed out the front gate without another word," said a frazzled Bernardo. "You'd think he could say 'thank you' at least. We only had myself and a couple security guards here at the time, and we still managed to get it up and running to full speed in bad weather conditions."

Said Santa, "this ride is an abomination. It gives people the impression that I'm some sort of p***y who can't get his reindeer up to a decent speed or engage them in thrilling airborne maneuvers. Let me tell you a**holes something...if that stupid park doesn't take my name off the gate and Rudolph's off that dumb coaster, I swear I'll go Silent Night, Deadly Night on their asses! Boo-ya!"

--JCK

Site O' the Weak Redux

That stupid ornament site from last week was really the pits, wasn't it? In fact, it's so obnoxious, why don't we leave it there as our Site O' the Weak again?

PS-Okay, so we're really just being lazy. You caught us.

ACEr Forces Family to Drive Through Snowstorm to Stay in Sandusky Hotel

The weather was blizzard-like, with the road barely visible in front of the minivan, and yet ACEr Phil Kiddles insisted that he and his family keep driving until they reached the Hampton Inn in Milan, Ohio, just outside Cedar Point's home of Sandusky. "I just want to see the new Cedar Point brochure [in fact seven months old] and stay within a few miles of the park. Maybe we can see Top Thrill Dragster from the room, too!" exclaimed Kiddles to his exasperated wife and exhausted children.

The family, driving cross-country for the holidays, is used to Kiddles's obsessive behavior, having already endured a bizarre detour supposedly to visit a particularly good Cracker Barrel (in fact an excuse to drive by Kennywood) and his sudden need to urinate when they "happened" to be driving past Six Flags Worlds of Adventure.

Kiddles did not in fact see Cedar Point or any portion thereof while visiting. Only through physical restraint was Kiddles prevented from exiting at the Wisconsin Dells to search for any new coaster construction.

Now staying in Minnesota, sources indicate that Kiddles may "get lost" while driving from Minneapolis to St. Paul and "accidentally" end up driving past Valleyfair!, some twenty miles out of the way in Shakopee.