Really Dumb Birds Put Stop to Santa Cruz Ride

Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk has been denied permission to build a proposed S&S Double Shot ride. City planners tell ARN&R that they cannot allow the ride "because the birds in Santa Cruz are really f***ing stupid."

Jack Ellwanker, a major critic of the addition of the ride and member of the Very Special Pelicans Network, spoke further about the matter with ARN&R:

This would be a travesty. Many people think it's pretty dumb to have the park blocked from building a new ride based on the assertion that endangered birds would whack into it and kill themselves. These people think the birds manage not to crash into buildings, telephone polls, trees, and statues, and therefore there is little danger posed by this new attraction. However, people don't realize that our birds here in California are really amazingly stupid creatures. They're f***ing idiots. They have the brain power of George W. Bush and Britney Spears's love child. It's quite likely that they'll be flapping along, staring at the pretty grass or picking their noses, and they won't notice the gargantuan, brightly lit and painted tower in front of them, and then they'll splatter all over it. We must protect our unbelievably stupid birds from their own imbecility!

Numerous ornithological experts were unable to tell ARN&R why Californian birds are so much stupider than those from the rest of the United States, but one speculated that "any state with people moronic enough to elect Arnold Schwarzenegger to anything would probably have some dumbass animals, too."

--JCK

Local Coaster Enthusiast Strongly Recommends Single Ridership to Others Without Hint Of Irony; Sorrow

Academics report that local enthusiast Brian Yourvey offered this advice yesterday in response to a group of acquaintances complaining about long lines for "Batman the Ride" at Six Flags Great America:

"The problem is you're probably waiting on lines the wrong way. What's great about being a single rider is this: Wait in the line for the second car. Within one or two trains there will be a group of three and you can jump right on with them! No half hour extra wait for the front! Of course, if you are riding with other people you're out of luck," concluded a non-ironic Yourvey.

"Brian's use of the terms 'what's great about being a single rider' and defining people with actual friends as being 'out of luck' suggests to me an absolute lack of awareness of the utter pathos of his situation," reports noted sociologist Douglas Mahoney at Northern Illinois University, who has been surreptitiously following Yourvey for several months and plans to publish a book on Yourvey's approach to life.

"The obvious merits of experiencing an amusement ride with other humans seems lost on him. The camaraderie, the ability to talk to someone later about the ride experience, and the simple comfort of knowing the person next to you is not a complete stranger are advantages that seem completely lost on him, aside from his stunning inability to recognize that others might correctly view his situation as pathetic when later discussing his advice -- which, I note, was completely unrequested. I must strongly advise that Brian pursue sunlight outside of an amusement park, social gatherings, and regular bathing soon before it's too late."

The 35 year old Yourvey was unable for comment or to hear Mahoney's advice, however, due to currently being locked in his bedroom at his parents' house where, for the third consecutive day, he has been exploring the "Time Twister" add on pack for RCT2.

--MOS

Welcome Armpit Stain Fans!

So sorry we don't have any of those hot armpit stain images you've been desperately cruising the web for, but please come enjoy some cruel satire of roller coaster enthusiasts anyway! It's basically the same thing, after all!

Six Flags Great Adventure Rumored to be Building Ride "Bigger Than Dragster" in 2006, Says Guy Who Worked at Casa de Taco Stand Two Years Ago

Screamscape is reporting, in what is believed to be an exclusive, that Great Adventure will be building a launched roller coaster ride that is even larger then Top Thrill Dragster "sometime in, like 2006."

Screamscape's source, believed to be very reliable, is "that fat guy who worked at Casa de Taco like, 2 years ago." The fat guy, who will remain unnamed, claims that Great Adventure has had these plans for some time, that the coaster will be "like, totally 500 feet tall," will "like go underground and underwater and s**t," and "be so f***ing cool."

--MOS

[Author's Note: Make sure to check Screamscape for more updates from reliable sources like the Casa de Taco dude and "that really hot Polish chick that used to work at the Cedar Point Hot Dog stand."]

It's That Time Again

It was tough to come up with a Site O' the Weak this time around, not because we've run out of ideas, but because there were just so many worthy candidates, we couldn't decide. We thought about using the amazingly stupid Coasterbuzz topic "Airtime is Overrated," but it's a little older and not so fresh. Then we were going to use the "How to Get Laid" forum discussion at AmericaCoasters, not because the original post is dumb--it's actually quite funny, and intentionally so--but because the ensuing conversation is so awful, and because numerous participants didn't seem to pick up on the fact that the topic was a joke from the start. Don't be so gullible, McFly.

But this topic was bounced at the absolute last minute by the awesome power of the Coasterdebates website. Although it appears to the untrained eye that this site has nothing whatsoever on it, the trained eye was able to locate a forum topic where the administrator closed the topic after being the only one to post! Just because it was fun!

Coasterdebates may only have one person posting anything, but it's already won a major award! The ARN&R Site O' the Weak!

--JCK

Six Flags Tijuana Bows to Special Interest Pressure, Drops Latest Controversial Entertainment "The Wild West Donkey Show"

Facing mounting pressure and threatened organized consumer boycotts from groups as diverse as the American Family Association, the National Organization of Women, and People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, Six Flags Corporation has agreed to discontinue its newly premiered entertainment and variety special titled "The Wild West Donkey Show."

The show, which opened last month in the "Freaky Frontier" section of the park, featured a variety of singers and dancers performing "classic Tijuana songs and dances" culminating with what one SFT representative called "that most ancient of all forms of traditional Tijuana entertainment, the donkey show."

Kieran Burke, Chairman of Six Flags, stated in a press release "Six Flags regrets to announce the closing of the Wild West Donkey Show. Though Six Flags remains dedicated to providing quality entertainment tailored to each region in which our individual parks reside, we also respect the continued consumer participation of large special interest political groups."

The show will run through the end of the month at the Frontier Backalley Saloon, which is situated behind the Premier LIM Shuttle "Penicillin Shot" and to the left of SFT's highly themed S&S Space Shot, the "Big Boner."

--MOS

Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace Shut Down

Much to the anti-delight of billions of amusement industry fans (well, at least those of us at ARN&R; we can't speak for anyone else), Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was closed down late this week.

The Palace was opened on January 5th, and was cleverly disguised as a Coasterbuzz topic titled "Park Enthusiasts or Snobs?" Initially the forum topic was primarily a bunch of people whining and pointing fingers and saying they don't like other enthusiasts, or they are better enthusiasts than other people, or someone's opinion sucks. The usual boring stuff. Plus a bizarre extended discussion of drinks, for some reason. But then the S&M Palace kicked into high gear.

"I've been enjoying tormenting stupid people for years," 'Playa informed ARN&R. But it never occurred to me that I could make a fortune doing it. People should know by now not to f*** with me, but in this stupid topic they kept coming, one right after the other, to get some punishment. I finally figured it out...they actually like getting pimp-slapped! The only explanation for why they keep lining up is that they enjoy being humiliated. It arouses them. That's why I opened my club, so these poor saps could pay me their hard-earned cash and I could torture them. And then I could also charge sadists to watch it all and laugh their asses off. Everyone was happy."

"Especially me," added the 'Playa.

The first masochist to enter the hallowed halls of Coastaplaya's Enthusiast S&M Palace was dexter, who received a thorough and painful whipping from Coastapalya's own paddle. And then he got some more. And he even came back for thirds. "The electrified nipple clips were almost more than the poor boy could take," added 'Playa. "But not quite."

Following the positive experience of the Palace's opening client, dozens of enthusiasts cheerfully lined up for their torture at the hands of 'Playa. Among the sad fools who queued up to have their egos flensed were booya (over and over) and dexter (again), Nitro Dave and booya (even more), and Nitro Dave (again) and dexter (yet again!). Aside from the verbal abuse each idiot received, 'Playa's hand-picked, leather-clad Minions of Agony would ball-gag each enthusiast, then proceed to whip him, beat him, and inform him, in no uncertain terms, that he was no good.

Particularly naughty enthusiasts would also be selected for Apollo Andy's Charity Dunking Booth, a feature later added by popular request.

Sadly, coaster forum authorities, acting in consultation with Coasterbuzz moderator Jeff Putz, made the decision to close the topic after ten amazing pages. "Sadism, masochism, and bondage are not things I want Coasterbuzz to be associated with," said Putz. "Those are some twisted, sick f***s. What's next? Group sex? Bestiality? Requests for threesomes?"

Coastaplaya was reflective after his S&M Palace was shut down. "It was fun while it lasted," he said, staring off into the clouds with a faraway look upon his face. "Lots of fun, lots of cash. Sure, I'm upset that the thing was shut down by the police. But I'm smart enough to get an S&M club going in another topic almost any time I feel like it. If enthusiasts are going to be jumping up and down, raising their hands and going 'Oooh! Ooooh! 'Playa thwacked me mercilessly, too! Don't forget about me!' I'm pretty sure business will be brisk next time, too.

"Or," he added, "I might just leave all this S&M stuff behind and open a restaurant. We can invite some Putz stalkers and have Pancake Day. That might be fun."

--JCK

Insignificant Item Goes Missing, Enthusiasts Soil Pants

Millions of coaster enthusiasts have soiled their pants with terror and worry the past week, as news slipped out that the Six Flags Great America Demon has had three stupid f***ing flag poles removed from its lift hill.

"This is the first time I've explosively evacuated my bowels into my undies since at least eleventh grade," stated a visibly upset Steven Horner, 19. "I will have this day burned into my eyes, and sphincter, for decades. I was driving along the interstate past Six Flags Great America, admiring the gorgeous view of a respendent, shining, headbanging Demon, when....then I noticed something was wrong....Oh God! How could this be? There were....there were....flag poles missing from the lift hill! Oh, the humanity." Horner then began sobbing violently.

"I only learned about this national tragedy today at rec.roller-coaster," stated Arthur Wiggenbottoms, 48. "I have been through six pairs of panties in just a few hours. I'll be sitting there, and all of a sudden...WHAM...I'll get nervous thinking about those poor flag poles and what the park could possibly be doing with them and I'll just urinate all over myself. I'm ashamed, but the park should be more ashamed of what they've done to the American way of life by removing those flag poles."

He added, "oops, I just got worried about those beautiful, important flag poles again. Excuse me." He then walked funny in the general direction of his bathroom.

"Who wouldn't feel terrified knowing that a major theme park has taken down some flag poles?" asked Peter Wolf, 14. "This is very important and troubling stuff. It made me so upset that this park could betray us in this manner that I squeezed my lemon so the juice ran down my legs, if you catch me drift. But that only relaxed me for a few minutes, and then I was uncomfortable and worried again. Plus my pants were covered in my love batter."

A Six Flags Great America spokesperson issued a statement that claimed the park would "not be holding a press conference to discuss why we took down three stupid f***ing flag poles" and added that enthusiasts "really just need get laid or something."

--JCK

BORG: The Day Imposed

We are the BORG. We have overtaken this website. We will combine the uniqueness of this site with ourselves. As we have assimilated a feeble, used Vekoma roller coaster and rethemed it as BORG Assimilator at Paramount's Carowinds, today is declared BORG: The Day. Observe breaking news about BORG and related projects over toward your left throughout the day. Prepare to be assimilated. Resistance is futile.

Scientific Researchers: "Riding Roller Coasters Gives You Beer Goggles"

According to an actual published scientific article, roller coaster riding gives you beer goggles. Or, in scientific mumbo-jumbo, you undergo some "roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer."

The paper, written by psychologists Meston and Frohlich at the University of Texas-Austin, is titled "Love at first fright: partner salience moderates roller-coaster-induced excitation transfer," and is readily available in abstract form at Pubmed.

According to the research team, numerous amusement park patrons were approached as they were getting on or exiting a roller coaster. Quoting the abstract directly:

Participants were shown a photograph of an average attractive, opposite-gendered individual and asked to rate the individual on attractiveness and dating desirability. Participants were also asked to rate their seatmates' levels of attractiveness. Consistent with the predictions of excitation transfer theory, for males and females riding with a nonromantic partner, ratings of attractiveness and dating desirability toward the photographed individual were higher among persons exiting than entering the ride.

"This is good news for coaster enthusiasts the world over," stated American Coaster Enthusiasts Special Secretary in Charge of Insulting ACE Members and Assuring Them Their Opinions are Quite Unimportant Jeff Seifert. "We all know that it's basically impossible for these drooling herds of idiots to actually hook up and score with anyone.

"This study shows us that all any coaster enthusiast needs to do is shovel that bag of fried Oreos down the hatch, belch, fart, pull those black dress socks out of the flip-flops, and just grab a seat next to any random nubile babe or hunk of manbeef. No matter how horrifically unattractive the enthusiast is, as long as he or she drools on him or herself and assaults their seatmate with useless banter about sad, poor, lonely coasters after the coaster ride is complete, not before, they are almost certain to get themselves some trim."

--JCK/VMA

[Author's Note: Who would have thought that the Pubmed website would be a veritable treasure trove of amusement value? But it is! In addition to the actual article quoted above, a brief search revealed 53 hits for "wanker," an article with authors named "Cock" and "Shanks," another article which seems to strongly imply that beavers prefer sticks that are moist, and one last one with a title a little too nasty to include in our pristine, child-friendly pages.]