Stratosphere Planning Jackson-Themed Ride

After the announcement that it would install a Wave Swinger-like ride spinning customers over the edge of the 1,000-foot-tall tower, the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas is already planning its next attraction. Surprisingly, it reportedly will be themed around the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

In contrast to the other rides atop the tower, the new ride will be decidedly low-tech, with the equipment consisting solely of really big guys dressed up to resemble Michael Jackson. The Giant Jackson Impersonators (the actual job title) will forcibly lift customers up and dangle them over the edge of the tower while inexplicably draping a towel over the riders' eyes. Certain randomly-selected lucky guests will also be molested by the GJIs.

"This new attraction is really pushing the envelope," said Stratosphere spokesman Andy Sadams. "With the randomly-programmed molestation feature, we challenge any other Vegas attraction to meet the level of excitement of this ride."

At press time, Jackson was reportedly considering the Stratosphere's offer, but was waiting to hear whether the casino's requirement that guests be over 18 was strictly enforced on the tower attractions.

Spring Holiday World to Open in 2005

Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.

Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:

-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.

-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.

-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.

-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."

Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."

--JCK

Geauga Lake Announces "Beaver Land"

With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.

"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."

Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."

Other rides will include:

-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.

-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.

-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.

-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.

-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."

"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."

"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.

--JCK

Memo: Six Flags New Lost Property and Lost Children Policy

Editor's Note: We recently found this memorandum in a dumpster outside Six Flags America.

TO: Six Flags Park Managers

FROM: Associate Director of Guest Satisfaction, Six Flags Theme Parks

Six Flags is excited to welcome visitors for the 2004 Season as our parks open this spring! We are committed to providing a safe and secure environment for our guests, and we are proud to announce that we have hired security-consultant Mr. Nmeosowitz, formerly an Associate Deputy at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), to further those efforts. After extensive study of TSA policies and how they can be applied to our park, we are proud to announce our new security policies.

Any unattended packages or children will be brought to Happy Village, next to Monkey Island. There, both children and packages will be tested for chemical residue and, if at the end of the day they remain unclaimed, they will be destroyed. We feel this new policy will encourage custodians of property and children to maintain control of their property at all times while at Six Flags Theme Parks.

Please inform your guests of this new policy in accordance with usual procedures and arrange for appropriate disposal of the packages and children.

--JZ

Six Flags Restaurant Boss Won't Stop Believing

Tim Stooker feels like going into work "sucks" now more than ever. He earns his daily bread at the Pink Taco, a Mexican Restaurant in Six Flags St. Louis. Surprisingly, it isn't the mullet sporting, Wal-Mart shopping, child-beating patrons that bother him. It's his boss.

"Stan Hansen got promoted this year and his musical taste sucks," Stooker lamented in an interview with ARN&R. "It would be one thing if he brought in a variety of shitty CDs, but it is always the same one -- Journey's Greatest Hits. If I have to hear 'Open Arms' again I'm going to cut my balls off. I just can't take it anymore."

One of Stooker's co-workers, Allan Scott, agreed. "The dude just keeps pumping the same disc over and over. It is killing me. I never thought I would relish hearing Air Supply or Eddie Money, but I would kill to rock out to 'Two Tickets To Paradise' just once. That would be four minutes of musical bliss. Before, I just thought 'Any Way You Want It' was a good adult film. Now whenever I see Jenna going at it all I can hear is Steve Perry singing, 'Oh, she said, Any way you want it, That's the way you need it, Any way you want it.' That definitely took the fun out of porn for me."

Hansen hasn't caught onto the fact that the people under him don't enjoy the CD quite as much as he does.

"Everyone loves rockin' with Steve Perry, Neal, Jon, Ross and Steve Smith," said an obviously elated Stan. "I have heard 'Lights' countless times and that song still touches my heart, just like I am sure it touches each and every one of these guys who get to cut tomatoes and onions for eight hours a day with a twenty minute break...if we're not understaffed."

Stooker, Scott and others have done everything they can to make the CD "vanish." They admitted it had been stolen three times, but whenever it disappeared Hansen went out to his '85 Mustang, brought in his "Greatest Hits" cassette and bought a new copy of the disc that night.

His co-workers are just happy that he will be out of town for a few days to see Journey on tour at California's Del Mar Fairgrounds on June 13. "No they don't have Steve Perry," Hansen giggled, "but they will still be kicking ass on stage. I know I'll still enjoy listening to 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' with my mom."

--FMB

Disaster Transport Wins Best Dark Ride for Coasterbuzz's 2004 Coasters Choice Awards

Coaster forums are still buzzing over Disaster Transport's stunning upset over Islands of Adventure's The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man in the 2004 Coasters Choice awards. The awards, which show absolutely no bias toward Cedar Point or any other midwest located parks, are presented yearly via a live ceremony, webcast from owner Jeff Putz's mother's house. Cedar Point won 8 of the 11 total awards this year, with a Cedar Point fan site even beating out AR&R for "Coaster Site of the Year."

Putz claims the win by Disaster Transport does nothing to discredit the validity of the awards. "Disaster Transport is a very fun dark ride," said Putz, "plus lots of people like to ride it in the summer for the air conditioning. You have to remember that when considering the results. Myself, I found that Spider Man ride kind of boring."

"The Coasters Choice Awards represent the best of amusement parks and rides in America." Putz continued, "That is clear from year to year. I mean, it's not like something totally absurd happened like Kings Island beating Islands of Adventure for Best Theming, for example. Or Cedar Point's godawful food beating Knoebels and Busch Gardens for Best Food. Now THAT would prove my awards are biased."

--MOS

If You Could Make Your Own Theme Park, What Stupid Things Would You Put in It?

This week's Site O' the Weak is the Young Writer's Club webpage devoted to theme parks. The writers are charged with describing the theme park of their dreams. Heeding the orders to "describe it all in detail," the Young Writers have come up with all sorts of gems, including, but hardly limited to, the following:

-Kandi217 is particularly informative, telling us not once, but twice, that the park should be FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN [edited for length and content].

-Dreama Fowler-Mitchell requests a really fun park that consists of nothing but "[s]hops, shops, and more shops."

-Keta 2005 thoughtfully triple posts no opinion of any sort.

-Nikolecoolkid has very specific ideas on what the park should cost, and has some really unusual park content ideas not at all stolen directly from the board game Candyland. As she would allow "no licking," oral sex is obviously not as welcome at her park as it is at Lake Compounce.

-Ambitious Darkangel, who probably is actually Billy Ray Cyrus or Sinead O' Conner or a member of The Cardigans or something, wants "a place where i could prefom [sic] my unheard music to thousands of fans."

-Billjo, presumbaly an ACE member, informs his readership that "I love going to them parks. My faviort one is kennywood. I go there every year. My faviort rollercoster is the steellphonon. I love there food"

-Treeteen comes up with an idea so spectacular it has to be triple posted: name a thrill ride "YUP...YOUR DEAD....?!!!?"

-Soccerboy has no need to come up with a dream park of his own; it's already been made: "I'm going to talk about six flags of America. It is very fun i'v been thier"

-Bookguy's concept is so stupendous, he posts it nine times: "If i could make my own thrme park i would put the biggest bestest rides in it because i love big rides like the steelphantom i lov that ride so it would diffenetlly be in my theme park. i would have a serf shopp in it i would have icecream stans and lots of other food stands.the cost would be 1.00$ to just get in but it would cost 1.00$ to get on a ride.It would be in my back yard0."

And of course there's more. So much more. Read and enjoy.

--JCK

Oakwood Adds Another Coaster You'll Never Ever Ride

Oakwood Leisure Park in Wales recently announced that it would add a new steel coaster that you will never ever ever even come close to riding. The new coaster reportedly is costing the park three million pounds to add to its lineup, presently featuring Megafobia, which you've never had a chance to come anywhere near.

"We're pleased to be able to announce the addition of this Gerstlauer Eurofighter two-inversion coaster. It's pretty much different than anything in the States, and so we're especially happy to be able to mock the U.S. enthusiasts," said spokesman Whitney Duffington. Duffington later called back to add, in what he described as a special message to ARN&R readers, "Neener neener neener."

Inside sources indicate that you will likely see outstanding photos of the coaster that will make you really want to ride it, but that the odds of you actually saving enough money to travel to Wales are approximately 0.0035. The same sources suggest that you are more likely to meet and marry Jessica Alba and/or Ashton Kutcher.

The new coaster will be added to the lengthy list of amazing rides you will never lay eyes on, including that one in South Africa, that CCI in France, and everything in England.

Cedar Fair Announces New Names for Geauga Lake Rides

Following the lead of Clementon Amusement Park renaming the 2004 wood coaster "Sunami" from "Tsunami," a number of Geauga Lake rides will be able to sport new names that will require minimal changes in park signage.

"This is the only way we could possibly change the names of the rides in the less than one month time frame we had between the sale of the park and the April 1st opening," said Bill Spehn, Geauga Lake's new General Manager.

Effective immediately Raging Wolf Bobs will drop the "R" and become Aging Wolf Bobs. The first half of the ride will not receive the retracking Six Flags scheduled for last season; this decision has been justified as ensuring "thematic integrity."

In an effort to pick up the valuable 12-18 demographic, The Villain will become "The Illin'." Queue line graffiti will remain intact. Also, the Yo-Yo will be renamed "yo-YO MAMA."

In an interesting move that will pay tribute to an accident that occured at another Cedar Fair amusement park in California, the Shipwreck Falls will be renamed "Hip Wreck Falls."

To calm the nerves of those who are upset over the park's decision to shutter the Wildlife side, the Pirate Flight will be renamed the "Irate Flight." "Irate: 4D" will feature live three-dimensional footage of the abandoned stadiums, penguin exhibits, and whale exhibits, including graphic representations of the penguins' abandoned bodies decaying.

To attract attention from coaster enthusiast clubs, namely ACE, the SKY COASTER will be renamed the K.Y. Coaster. Riders will be lubricated as to allow easier fit into the flight suit.

In an attempt to be more politically correct, the Black Squid will be renamed "The African-American who Bears a Non-Sexual Resembalance to a Squid."

--CP

Busch Gardens Trumpet Player Sets Sights on Met Opera Orchestra

Following what he called his "totally dominating" performance over the first weekend of Busch Gardens Williamsburg operations, Starlight Orchestra Third Trumpet Steve Cupples announced his future plans to enthusiastic observers. "I'm way too damn good for this sorry-ass gig," said Cupples, a first-year Music Therapy student at Christopher Newport University. "I'm ready to ditch these lowbrows and let the rest of the music world feel my thunder."

Next month, Cupples will be taking off from work for the weekend to take the Principal Trumpet audition for the Metropolitan Opera Orchestra, considered to be among the finest orchestras on the planet.

"Those bitches didn't know what hit 'em," said Cupples. "I was bustin' out those triple high C's, ripping off those solos like the unholy love child of Maynard and Miles. Not a single splee-ya, no fracks, no cracks, just a smooth, awesome tone that blasted the horn players over like fields of wheat. The audience loved my ass, yo."

Experts report that the trumpet audition for the Met will likely draw over four hundred candidates, half of whom will be eliminated by tape audition before several high-pressure rounds of solos and orchestral excerpts determine the finalists. Dozens of professionals and students fresh out of Juilliard, the Peabody Conservatory, and the Eastman School are expected to compete for the job considered one of the most difficult in the classical music business to win. But Cupples is unconcerened.

"Those bitches can't keep up with me," he says. "My weekend of experience as a real professional, working as third trumpet in an amusement-park big band show, will intimidate those conservatory punks into submission. The only thing I need to decide is whether to just accept the Met job when I win it, or whether I should wait until the Cleveland Symphony and Vienna Phil make better offers, so I can play all those stupid bitches off each other for more dough."

"Generally, orchestra musicians with decent jobs practiced for hours a day from a very young age and went to top music schools," said Amy Schwartz Moretti, Florida Orchestra Concertmaster and frequent solo artist, in an exclusive interview with ARN&R. "I've never heard of some guy winning a major orchestra gig after one weekend of playing whole notes for a band at an amusement park, but I guess it could happen. Heck, it sure would've saved me a lot of time if I'd done it that way!"

When asked to comment on Cupples's chances at the upcoming audition, visitors to the Italy section of Busch Gardens Williamsburg reported that the third trumpet player was "pretty loud," "had a high, piercing tone quality," "made weird farty sounds more than actual pitches," and "blended poorly with the trombones."

--JCK