Web Design Course Now Available

We feel a little bad picking on personal websites sometimes. It always feels better to let it rip against a big corporate site that sucks, since the people who own them have probably, at one point or another, taken money from you in some fashion, and then obviously spent it on someone who couldn't do web design much better than an untrained howler monkey. Meanwhile, personal sites are created by people who may have minimal free time, money, or the ability to format anything so that it makes any sense. They're doing it for fun, not to make money. However, it is nonetheless our civic duty to alert you, dear readers, to bad websites involving amusement parks, no matter the type.

And so we direct you to Beth and Dave's Vacation Page, which is a collection of photos by people who are likely very nice, but who are also, unfortunately, top level grand masters of unholy web design. Behold the disorganized picture layout. Witness all the red X markings where pictures should be. Thrill to what appears to be a sound file with no sound. In short, bow before the new Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Six Flags America to Follow Hersheypark Trend

Six Flags America made a shocking announcement today regarding park plans for the 2005 season.  Taking after Hersheypark, which recently canceled this year's new coaster addition, Six Flags America has decided to cancel all park projects this year in order to maintain its hard-earned reputation of never adding anything.

Kieran Burke, CEO of Six Flags Incorporated, made a special trip to SFA in below freezing weather today to announce that this year’s planned expansion of sinks and water fountains would be canceled in order to prove know-it-all coaster enthusiasts wrong on all accounts, and sources close to the Six Flags camp say that this trend may last longer than one year.

“We had thought about adding a Standup roller coaster in the past few years, then a mouse, then a new water park back behind Superman, but some coaster idiot kept foiling our plans.” Burk stated.  He then went on to explain, “So instead, we had decided not to add anything relevant to the park, but just add sinks and water fountains around the back of the park.  But in response to this thread on CoasterBuzz, we’ve decided to take after Hersheypark and cancel all additions instead.  Boy, that Hershey knows how to take care of customers!”

Rumor has it that Six Flags Darien Lake, Six Flags Astroworld, and Six Flags St. Louis will follow suit with similar announcements later this month.
 
--TS

Speaking of Sites O' the Weak

It's that time again, friends and enemies. And for this week's Site O' the Weak, we delve back a bit, into a Coasterbuzz topic that hasn't had a new post added since last summer. Normally, we try to pick on forum topics that are more current, but we only just stumbled across this beauty. We think you'll agree with us that the "grandur" of this topic makes it worthwhile to share.

In this excellent thread, a new poster brags about how his cousin's best friend's neighbor's cat once sprainted on some guy whose boss had a friend who used the same urinal a day after either Bolliger or Mabillard used it, or some such useless crap, as if anyone cares. The kind folk of Coasterbuzz react in their normal tolerant, patient way, with hilarity ensuing.

Our favorite part is when the poster says "it's okay to insult me, but please do it correctly," but that's hardly the only highlight. Read on.

--JCK

Today's Lesson: How to Make a Coaster Site That Sucks Balls

We get thousands of letters every day asking "ARN&R, how can I get my website to be listed as the Site O' the Weak? Huh? Huh?"

Actually, we don't get that many letters saying that. Most of them have lots of words spelled wrong, as opposed to the example above. But indeed, it's a coveted title, one that gets your site all the right kind of recognition. However, webmasters are frequently confused as to how they might position themselves and their lame-ass, pathetic, coaster nerd sites for inclusion in our hall of shame.

Fortunately, someone finally created a website specifically designed to instruct people on how to make crappy sites that ARN&R writers can notice and subject to ridicule: How to Make an Annoying Web Page.

Okay, actually it isn't designed as a primer for how to be an SOW at all. But it sure comes in handy when you're looking to be mocked by ARN&R. Just follow some of the helpful hints on this website, throw in some stupid comments about your homemade coaster skid mark collection or how your 2002 CoasterCon ID badge you wear around to other parks is certain to get you some p*ssy, and you'll be well on your way to lining up with about three thousand similarly worthless sites and forum topics we'll get around to taking the piss out of some decade or another.

--JCK

[Author's Note: Of course, about 90% of you coaster enthusiasts out there have no need whatsoever to peruse the Annoying Web Page site, as your site already sucks balls on its own and really doesn't need the help. But you might.]

Six Flags: SFGAm Water Park Free; Also Adding Air Conditioning and Health Care

As part of its ongoing efforts to improve cash flow and profitability, Six Flags announced this week its decision to include Six Flags Great America's Hurricane Harbor water park in the park's admission price. Receiving less attention was its later announcement that it would be air conditioning the entire Chicago-area park as well as providing universal health care for every resident in the Chicago area.

"We're certain that these steps represent the best way to impress investors and to get on track for financial stability," said park spokeswoman Leora Kladner in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "What could be better for cash flow than a free water park, tens of thousands of outdoor air conditioning units running throughout the summer, and the creation of an enormous new health care system for the millions of people in the region? Oh, we're also going to throw in a free puppy for every guest, along with a lifetime supply of food and veterinary services."

SEC filings indicate that the park chain will borrow approximately $1.2 billion at 17.99% interest from an entity on the south side of Chicago called "EZ Pay Day CA$H."

S&D Greetings Offers New Hasselhoff Product Line

Coaster card supplier S&D Greetings sparked controversy within the coaster community when they offered their 2006 calendar. Entitled "Hot 4 Hasselhoff," the scrumptious planner combines many of the untalented artist's shots from calendars past.

Steve Simmons, S&D's research and development director, said the plan was a new and bold step for the company. He commented, "Sure, shots of Boulderdash are nice, but we have to give the people what they want -- and they want Hasselhoff. Whether he is hanging out with a bird,
looking hot or just rocking out, you can't go wrong with David."

Some enthusiasts predict that sales will be down from previous years. Tim Johnson of Cleburne, Texas felt that it will be hard to move calendars with the sassy star of Knight Rider emblazoned on them. "Sure, Hasselhoff is hot," he conceded, distractedly gazing at a photo for upwards of thirty seconds. "But I don't know how many enthusiasts will pick that up. I wish they had gone a different route and done a Star Wars: Episode III calendar. It isn't quite as geeky as Hasselhoff and I know women would talk to me if they saw Anakin on my wall."

For now S&D Greetings just hope that David's sexy patriotism will be infectious. Steve Simmons said, "Germans love David Hasselhoff and we think that soon the whole world will. Seriously, what's hotter than this?"

Reports that next year's S&D calendar will feature nude spreads of A-Team star Dirk "Face" Benedict could not be confirmed a press time.

--FMB/JCK/GP

[Editor's Note: ARN&R has just learned that the American Coaster Enthusiasts, noted for their previous energetic attempts to crush any competition in the coaster calendar business, have decided to offer competing Hasselhoff products at the ACE Online Store. Among the treats being offered are the Deranged Eskimo Hasselhoff Fanny Pack and the Cream-Your-Undies-He's-So-Manly Speedo Hasselhoff Portable Coaster Count Tabulator/Dildo. When queried about the timing of the new product line, an ACE rep claimed that its launch immediately after a competitor's was "completely coincidental."]

Enthusiast Tempted by Nor'easter Email Invite

According to sources close to the ACE New England Region, members recently received an email advertising for the Nor'easter event with the following questions:

Winter blahs got you down?

Opening day at your favorite park just can't come soon enough?

Haven't seen your coaster buddies since October?

Dying to buy that calendar / video / book / game you didn't get for Christmas?

According to enthusiast Marlon Georgiev, 23, the message was somewhat appealing because most of it was true when applied to him.

"Yeah, maybe I should go to Nor'easter," he said. "I was reading it and I thought, well, hell yes, winter blahs have me down. It's frostier out there right now than the reaction I get when I tell random high school girls at the mall how much I like being pummeled and thrashed by dueling woodies. And then I thought, well, I would kinda like to have Roller Coaster Tycoon 3, even though the park patrons in it are even stupider than the real ones at Six Flags parks. And I do actually think at least five times per hour about how much it sucks that Lake Compounce won't open until like May or June, so that one certainly applies to me."

"So I might think about going," he concluded. "Three out of four ain't bad."

--JCK

Sex Workers Not Excited For Eastcoaster

A lot of things make adult entertainer Brittany Rears excited. The Eastcoaster convention is not one of them. The event is a gathering of members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) from around the country. People travel hundreds of miles to hear lectures on what’s new and exciting in the amusement park industry. These coaster hobby heads call it a “spring training” for their upcoming park-going season.

Normally conventions are big business for strippers, hookers and even nudie booth workers (including the moppers). In fact, Ms. Rears said that some of her largest cuts have come from nights when big groups gather in steel and coal country.

She commented, “Yah, I usually get the big tips for a shower scene on stage or some double lap dance action -- the fish sandwich always brings in good tips. However, these coaster guys usually don’t want much even if they do come in here. Just last year a guy gave me a $1 tip after I grinded his crotch to Dio’s ‘Holy Diver.' Instead of enjoying the moment he went on and on about how this place called Dorney Park took out Hercules. Whatever.”

Many have examined the lack of interest in Allentown’s sex trade by the coaster geeks and aren’t sure why they don’t show. Independent research done by ARN&R exemplary intern staff shows that almost every group, from the Republican Party to Local Coal Miners’ 138 to the Moral Majority all like to get their wangs waxed when in town. Yet, for some reason these coasterphiles stay clear.

Over at Crotch Co., a local hoesale store, Trixster and Shauntell said they have never noticed a spike in activity during the annual event. Trixster said, “I know they are having this event like, every year, but I ain’t never seen hardly any benefits. Last year I had some freak call and told me he wanted me to dress like Dominator. I should up in my leather outfit and he said I came like the wrong thing. Apparently I was supposed to be dressed like some white tower and he wanted me to call him Mr. Checketts while I banged him. That freak was nasty.”

A few ladies of the night plan to work the Northampton Community Center, which holds the event every year. However, little-to-no activity is expected unless they wear patch jackets.

--FMB

Coasterbuzz Webmaster Attempts to Save CB Member's Dignity

In an occurrence that has become all too commonplace in the past few years, Coasterbuzz Webmaster Jeff Putz has made a valiant, if utterly hopeless, attempt to save a CB member's dignity by closing a moronic topic that member started, say sources.

The topic in question is "Misuse of Laxatives," where a Coasterbuzz participant asks in an open forum whether he is in any danger from ingesting tremendous amounts of laxatives. Some cautious observers have speculated that this topic could potentially bring shame and ridicule to the poster, conceivably even to Coasterbuzz itself.

"You would think that Putz would just give up on trying to be this knight in shining armor, protecting his flock from making idiots of themselves," said CB member Grant Riley, 43, who would only speak with ARN&R on condition of anonymity. "It's pretty hopeless, since someone posts something offensive or idiotic about every five seconds there. But, then again, I guess you have to draw the line somewhere. And maybe that somewhere is where someone starts an off-topic discussion in a coaster forum about whether he's going to shit himself to death later that night."

"Thank God this topic has been shut down," said the elated original poster. "Now my dignity and honor have been preserved. I shall never be subjected to ridicule after the heroic deeds of my webmaster."

Aside from erasing any potential shame felt by CB members, the move has created two additional positive spin-offs. First, ABC has tentatively agreed to air a weekly series called "Ask Dr. Chuck," where a Coasterbuzz participant with exactly zero medical or scientific credentials or experience will spend a half hour dispensing thoughtful health advice like "[m]y guess is you'll just go alot tonight and be fine in the morning." Additionally, the topic was nominated for and later received the coveted ARN&R Site O' the Weak award.

--JCK (With assistance from MMS, CSB, and the Grand Poobah)

Name Changes Through History

Now that Dover Lake Park has decided to rename its "Tsunami" wave pool, ARN&R thought it would be a good time to take a look back in amusement park history at other times when rides and attractions had name changes due to sudden events and cultural shifts.

1929 - Coney Island, New York - Window Plunge of Doom rethemed to Parachutes

1930s - Riverview Park, Chicago - The Drunken Micks (an Old Mill float-through) changed to Temperance Time: Removing Satan's Elixir

1946 - Santa Cruz Beach Boardwalk's "Whipping Wars With Our Friends the Russians" themed Whip renamed "Whipping the Godless Communists"

1946 - Sole surviving Russian ice slide renamed "Grand Victory Over Capitalism"

1963 - Disneyland, California - "It's a Small, Separate but Equal World" renamed

1969 - Silver Dollar City, Branson - Themed dark ride "Lynchin' the Darkies!" rethemed and retitled, reflecting contemporary poltical sensitivities, "Lynchin' the Hippies!"

1975 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On May 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 6 years, "Vietnam - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - A Lifetime of Laughs"

1986 - La Ronde, Montreal - Rotor ride "REAKTOR!" closes after Chernobyl

2005 - Magic Kingdom, Orlando - On January 1, Magic Kingdom closes its exhibit of 18 months, "Iraq - Why We Can't Lose," eventually retitling and retheming it to "Goofy & Mickey - Even More Laughs"

--MOS/FMB/MMS/GP