Hope You at Least Cracked the Window
If you've been reading our Breaking News over the past week, you're obviously aware just how horrified we are by one particular rec.roller-coaster post. If you haven't, then let us summarize: Basically, it concerns a caring, adoring coaster enthusiast father who proudly describes how he drove to an amusement park designed for kids, then left his son in the car while he rode the kiddie coaster, seeing as it would have cost 17 bucks for him to being the youngster along. For reaching a stratospheric realm of toolness that has possibly never been reached by another human, the post is our new Site O' the Weak.
Yeah, sure, we've spent most of the past few days ripping this thread already in the headlines, but really, if this doesn't deserve Site O' the Weak status, nothing does.
In related news, the original poster for the RRC thread has been nominated for the First Annual Absolutelyreliable Superior Parenting Award.
--JCK
Saturday, June 25, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
Cedar Point Announces Marketing Changes
Cedar Point yesterday announced a series of additions to its public relations and marketing campaigns. Most public attention has been paid to its new OnPoint! Blog, but ARN&R is pleased to exclusively report the other changes:
Cedar Point yesterday announced a series of additions to its public relations and marketing campaigns. Most public attention has been paid to its new OnPoint! Blog, but ARN&R is pleased to exclusively report the other changes:
- Cedar Point guests will now be greeted at the gate by "Mrs. Kinzel," one of a series of actresses hired to play Cedar Fair CEO's president Dick Kinzel's aunt. The actress will feign interest in each guest for up to 3.5 seconds, according to documents obtained by ARN&R.
- A new marketing campaign will highlight the availability of free water to all guests. Cedar Point will install three "water break" facilities throughout the park, consisting of a garden hose. The campaign will not note the contemporaneous increase in prices for sunblock to $19.99 per bottle.
- The marketing campaign will also note the availability of free inner tubes to the first eighteen guests daily to the park's water park. Small print will note that "In the unlikely event that an enormous crowd of more than eighteen guests visit the park, we will be glad to rent you one of our Emergency Backup Inner Tubes for the nominal charge of $13.95 per day."
- The park will hire a new PR director named Sol Bernie. Sol will participate in online forums and be "down with" his "homies," "speaking their language," just like OnPoint! "crazy" insider bloggers Tony and Tyler. Sources indicate it won't seem at all like a junior high English teacher talking about last year's boy band in a vain attempt to seem with it.
Tuesday, June 21, 2005
The Only Con You'll Ever Need
Details to come, but it appears that there will be yet another AbsolutelyReliableCon at Valleyfair on Sunday, July 31, and Wisconsin Dells on Monday, August 1. Maybe a stop by the Mall of America sometime in there. (Its name -- who knows? WhiteTrashCon? CheeseCon? Beats-The-Hell-Out-Of-The-Previous-Weekend's-Con-Con?)
As usual, our gathering will feature absolutely no benefits for you -- indeed, not even a group discount as we did at ConeyCon. That said, get in touch if you think you might be able to make it to either day.
Details to come, but it appears that there will be yet another AbsolutelyReliableCon at Valleyfair on Sunday, July 31, and Wisconsin Dells on Monday, August 1. Maybe a stop by the Mall of America sometime in there. (Its name -- who knows? WhiteTrashCon? CheeseCon? Beats-The-Hell-Out-Of-The-Previous-Weekend's-Con-Con?)
As usual, our gathering will feature absolutely no benefits for you -- indeed, not even a group discount as we did at ConeyCon. That said, get in touch if you think you might be able to make it to either day.
Monday, June 20, 2005
Teens to Ruin Adults' Lives This Summer
With the end of the semester approaching in most school districts within the next few days, area teenagers are filled with excitement. Excitement that there will be no classes for several months, that there will be loads of free time, and that, most importantly, they have weekdays free in order to make the existence of every adult in the country a living hell.
According to experts, high school students have spent an average of 19.634 hours each day for the past seven months daydreaming about having weekdays free so they can utterly destroy the possibility that any adults in their community can enjoy themselves for a single instant the entire summer.
"Any conceivable location where a normal human could actually want to be left alone can be expected to be inundated with obnoxious, screaming, ill-behaved teens," says Yale University Professor of Annoying Teenager Studies Dr. Burton Marshall III. "Adults who are accustomed to going out in public on weekdays and not being bothered by obnoxious teenagers should very closely monitor when their local schools plan to let out for the summer, in order that they are not utterly traumatized when the places they visit are inundated with brain-dead, immature assholes, even at 11 a.m. on a Thursday. Movie theaters, shopping establishments, and, particularly, amusement parks, are considered especially dangerous areas to visit."
"Me and my friends are going to Six Flags in groups of about 60 every day," claims Kurt Colnott, 16. "And then we'll spend the whole day shoving each other into other people, smoking in line, cursing loudly to show how cool we are, and being as much trouble as possible to other people there. It'll be awesome to see the looks on those people's faces when they realize school is out for the summer, so they can't go to an empty park on a Tuesday and actually have fun or ride anything!"
While teens like Colnott have ambitious plans for irritating the ever-loving shit out of adults on a worldwide level this summer, others are focusing on the lower-profile, but still highly important, task of sucking the will to live from the adults with whom they actually live. For instance, Pete Diyanni, 17, plans to sit around his parents' house all day, every day, doing nothing but watching television, saying that everything "sucks," and rolling his eyes profoundly every time his parents say anything. "I figure if I make their lives miserable enough with me being around all the time, when normally they'd have me out of their hair for several hours a day, they'll practically be begging me to start taking drugs, leading Satanic blood sacrifices in my bedroom, or even becoming a Cirque du Soleil enthusiast," he says.
Coaster enthusiast Kirk Jameson, 32, has discovered a solution to the issue: stay in his house the entire summer. "I just can't bear the idea of dealing with these asswipes the entire summer," he tells ARN&R. "Naturally, this will probably result in my being fired from work after I haven't shown up in two weeks, and, more importantly, I assume it will be difficult to add to my coaster count, but desperate times require desperate measures."
--JCK
With the end of the semester approaching in most school districts within the next few days, area teenagers are filled with excitement. Excitement that there will be no classes for several months, that there will be loads of free time, and that, most importantly, they have weekdays free in order to make the existence of every adult in the country a living hell.
According to experts, high school students have spent an average of 19.634 hours each day for the past seven months daydreaming about having weekdays free so they can utterly destroy the possibility that any adults in their community can enjoy themselves for a single instant the entire summer.
"Any conceivable location where a normal human could actually want to be left alone can be expected to be inundated with obnoxious, screaming, ill-behaved teens," says Yale University Professor of Annoying Teenager Studies Dr. Burton Marshall III. "Adults who are accustomed to going out in public on weekdays and not being bothered by obnoxious teenagers should very closely monitor when their local schools plan to let out for the summer, in order that they are not utterly traumatized when the places they visit are inundated with brain-dead, immature assholes, even at 11 a.m. on a Thursday. Movie theaters, shopping establishments, and, particularly, amusement parks, are considered especially dangerous areas to visit."
"Me and my friends are going to Six Flags in groups of about 60 every day," claims Kurt Colnott, 16. "And then we'll spend the whole day shoving each other into other people, smoking in line, cursing loudly to show how cool we are, and being as much trouble as possible to other people there. It'll be awesome to see the looks on those people's faces when they realize school is out for the summer, so they can't go to an empty park on a Tuesday and actually have fun or ride anything!"
While teens like Colnott have ambitious plans for irritating the ever-loving shit out of adults on a worldwide level this summer, others are focusing on the lower-profile, but still highly important, task of sucking the will to live from the adults with whom they actually live. For instance, Pete Diyanni, 17, plans to sit around his parents' house all day, every day, doing nothing but watching television, saying that everything "sucks," and rolling his eyes profoundly every time his parents say anything. "I figure if I make their lives miserable enough with me being around all the time, when normally they'd have me out of their hair for several hours a day, they'll practically be begging me to start taking drugs, leading Satanic blood sacrifices in my bedroom, or even becoming a Cirque du Soleil enthusiast," he says.
Coaster enthusiast Kirk Jameson, 32, has discovered a solution to the issue: stay in his house the entire summer. "I just can't bear the idea of dealing with these asswipes the entire summer," he tells ARN&R. "Naturally, this will probably result in my being fired from work after I haven't shown up in two weeks, and, more importantly, I assume it will be difficult to add to my coaster count, but desperate times require desperate measures."
--JCK
Friday, June 17, 2005
Hornet Stings Man Just for Hell of It
At a recent press conference, a local hornet admitted to stinging high school guidance counselor Mark Graves, 32, at Six Flags America without any provocation whatsoever. The stinging incident occurred last weekend after Graves startled the hornet near the park's pizza stand.
The conference was called by the hornet's legal council, who asserted in opening remarks that the insect was merely startled by a clumsy Graves while guarding the precious baby hornets of the hive, and then stung the man out of an instinctive protective reaction and not just to amuse itself. The council went on to state that the hornet would, during the conference, offer a public apology for the accidental and unfortunate suffering it had caused to Graves, and graciously answer any questions from the media regarding the incident.
However, the hornet deviated from the script immediately upon taking the podium, announcing that it had stung "the ever-loving crap" out of Graves "just for the hell of it."
"Yes, he deserved to be stung, and I hope he burns in Hell!" the hornet added.
Following these incendiary comments, the hornet mercilessly taunted Graves's manhood, claiming he was a "total p*ssy" for the way he whined after having a poisoned barb rammed in his neck and arm three times. Additionally, it confessed gleefully to numerous other crimes committed over the past month at SFA, including ruining eighteen corporate picnics by swimming in lemonade and stinging anyone who tried to shoo it out; chasing around and mercilessly stinging fifteen entire children's groups; and randomly jabbing approximately six other random people per day at the Batman Stunt Show "just because it's cool."
Noting that "it's totally awesome to be a hornet," the insect proudly went on to explain that, unlike honeybees, a hornet will not die if it uses its stinger, so it enjoys attacking and causing pain in people to make itself feel better if it isn't getting laid, it's angry because some other hornets are excluding it from all their hornet games, or, usually, "because I'm bored."
The tone of the press conference went from uncomfortable to downright scary when a reporter unwisely asked the hornet if it had ever thought about being "more like the noble honeybee, making [it]self useful to the planet by creating tasty honey, instead of just randomly stinging the crap out of innocent bystanders." In response, the hornet menacingly waved its abdomen in the general direction of the reporter, saying "You want some of this, too, bitch? I don't even have to be provoked! I'm a hornet!" This incident essentially ended the interview.
In a statement released to the press, Graves claimed that he would pursue vigorous legal action against the hornet for the pain and suffering it had caused. The statement further claimed that, should the legal system fail him, Graves had no qualms about taking the law into his own hands by "opening up a can of whoop-ass and/or Raid" the next time he saw the hornet.
--JCK
At a recent press conference, a local hornet admitted to stinging high school guidance counselor Mark Graves, 32, at Six Flags America without any provocation whatsoever. The stinging incident occurred last weekend after Graves startled the hornet near the park's pizza stand.
The conference was called by the hornet's legal council, who asserted in opening remarks that the insect was merely startled by a clumsy Graves while guarding the precious baby hornets of the hive, and then stung the man out of an instinctive protective reaction and not just to amuse itself. The council went on to state that the hornet would, during the conference, offer a public apology for the accidental and unfortunate suffering it had caused to Graves, and graciously answer any questions from the media regarding the incident.
However, the hornet deviated from the script immediately upon taking the podium, announcing that it had stung "the ever-loving crap" out of Graves "just for the hell of it."
"Yes, he deserved to be stung, and I hope he burns in Hell!" the hornet added.
Following these incendiary comments, the hornet mercilessly taunted Graves's manhood, claiming he was a "total p*ssy" for the way he whined after having a poisoned barb rammed in his neck and arm three times. Additionally, it confessed gleefully to numerous other crimes committed over the past month at SFA, including ruining eighteen corporate picnics by swimming in lemonade and stinging anyone who tried to shoo it out; chasing around and mercilessly stinging fifteen entire children's groups; and randomly jabbing approximately six other random people per day at the Batman Stunt Show "just because it's cool."
Noting that "it's totally awesome to be a hornet," the insect proudly went on to explain that, unlike honeybees, a hornet will not die if it uses its stinger, so it enjoys attacking and causing pain in people to make itself feel better if it isn't getting laid, it's angry because some other hornets are excluding it from all their hornet games, or, usually, "because I'm bored."
The tone of the press conference went from uncomfortable to downright scary when a reporter unwisely asked the hornet if it had ever thought about being "more like the noble honeybee, making [it]self useful to the planet by creating tasty honey, instead of just randomly stinging the crap out of innocent bystanders." In response, the hornet menacingly waved its abdomen in the general direction of the reporter, saying "You want some of this, too, bitch? I don't even have to be provoked! I'm a hornet!" This incident essentially ended the interview.
In a statement released to the press, Graves claimed that he would pursue vigorous legal action against the hornet for the pain and suffering it had caused. The statement further claimed that, should the legal system fail him, Graves had no qualms about taking the law into his own hands by "opening up a can of whoop-ass and/or Raid" the next time he saw the hornet.
--JCK
Tuesday, June 14, 2005
Panic Strikes Industry
Executives throughout the amusement park industry have reportedly been shaken to the core as they learn the plans for the State Showcase Funpark [sic] to be based on 700 to 1700 mostly-roofed acres in Ohio.
While ARN&R plans extensive team coverage of SSF in the coming weeks, we'd like to start out with some brief quotes from those in the industry and others:
More on this critical story to come. For now, it's the Site O' the Weak.
Executives throughout the amusement park industry have reportedly been shaken to the core as they learn the plans for the State Showcase Funpark [sic] to be based on 700 to 1700 mostly-roofed acres in Ohio.
While ARN&R plans extensive team coverage of SSF in the coming weeks, we'd like to start out with some brief quotes from those in the industry and others:
- PKI's Executive Vice President In Charge Of Competition Evaluation Edward McLaughlin: "Well, the enigmatic JL57 says he will bury us here at PKI, and he took off his shoe and banged in on a table, so I'm compelled to conclude that he is the reincarnated Nikita Kruschev. I'm not going to screw with him; we're shutting down the park immediately."
- Six Flags Associate Vice President of Research Will Kiplinger: "He appears to have approximately $200 to invest in the park, which makes it so he has $9,134,130,020.00 more than we have on hand. And did you see that website? We're dead."
- Cleveland Go-Kartz Owner Bud Holly: "We thought we had a good little operation here until we learned of his devious plans for the operation of the go-karts: 'The guest(s) will leave the station determined by the light signalling located in front of the cars either green to go or red to remain in the stop position.' Shit, why didn't we think of that? I must have lost thirty operators to drivers smashing into their legs, and I've got kids out there who have been riding for days."
- ACE Chief Executive Diner, Line Cook, and Fryer Carole Sanderson: "Buffets are good."
- Local Parent Martha Doyle: "A chance to drop my kids off somewhere that's constantly playing Village People music? Sign me up!"
More on this critical story to come. For now, it's the Site O' the Weak.
Thursday, June 09, 2005
New Park Rumored to be Under Development
A source who asked to remain confidential has forwarded some intriguing information to ARN&R: a new U.S. park appears to be in the later planning stages. The source sent a number of corporate memos and some pre-production artwork from the amusement industry planning company Imaginatrix to support this news.
Groundbreaking should begin on Freelance Classical Musician Land as early as August of this year, with a targeted opening date of Spring, 2007. The information sent to us did not have the location of this planned park, but did provide some tantalizing hints at what it would hold. Amongst the attractions we know are slated for the park, subject to change, are the following:
Revenge of the Musicians: The Decimation
This appears to be a heavily themed Sally dark ride where patrons can shoot at annoying people. For example, killing a target that asks the rider when they plan to get a "real job" will be 100 points; killing one that sees the rider play an exceptionally difficult concerto the best they've ever played it and then says they think "Devil Went Down to Georgia" is harder will be 200 points; and killing one that says Josh Groban is a great musical artist will be 1,000,000,000 points.
Tax Time Stunt Show
In this exciting outdoor stunt venue, park visitors will experience the full fury of tax preparation by simulated classical musicians. Visitors will feel the thrilling agony of spending seventeen full days collecting 12 W-2's, 24 1099's, and bags of miscellaneous checks, teaching fees, and deductions; at the completion of this task, they will either owe money despite making 10,000 dollars the previous year, or, in certain versions of the show, receive a crisp refund check for one dollar from the State of Connecticut. Currently, the show is planned to run the entire seventeen days for "realism," but logistics may force it to a more manageable length.
Extreme Orchestra Management Anal Violator
In this motion simulation attraction, guests will feel what it is like to negotiate a new contract with the management of a regional orchestra. Among the thrills will be points where the management cuts the pay of the musicians while raising the salary of its chief executive by 20,000 dollars; insists on maintaining an attendance policy that allows no missed services, even in the case of repetitive stress injuries or car wrecks; not fixing a faulty door backstage that severed the finger of one musician and slashed another in the face; and telling the musicians, with a straight face, that their group, which pays about 3000 bucks a year and offers no benefits, should be the chief source of the musicians' income and primary place of loyalty, so they really shouldn't be performing with any other groups and wearing themselves out for this one. Practical concerns dictate that this simulator ride not last two full years as in reality, so an alternate plan has the park guests just sitting down and having a gigantic cattle prod rammed up their ass really hard.
Moose Assault
Visitors will board a Toyota Corolla with far too many miles on it already. Simulating the life of a freelance musician, this attraction will force its riders to play 8 AM kiddie concerts in northern Vermont, drive to eastern Connecticut for night rehearsals, and then drive back for the next day's kiddie concerts, every day and night for exactly one week, all in a desperate effort to pay the electric bill on time. During one of the nights, selected at random, the car will be directed, for some unknown reason, by police straight into the exploded remains of a moose that someone else has just hit, spraying chunks of moose bones, brains, entrails, and scrotum all over the Corolla at speeds approaching 70 mph. The moose remains will be specially formulated to smell precisely as if Satan has taken a spicy burrito shit on the car, and several power washings will fail to remove all the red gore from the chassis. As with the previous attraction, the current plan calls for the entire seven-day experience to take place in real time, but it could eventually be scaled back to having patrons sit in a chair and then be beaten with baseball bats and have moose guts blasted into them via air cannon.
--JCK
A source who asked to remain confidential has forwarded some intriguing information to ARN&R: a new U.S. park appears to be in the later planning stages. The source sent a number of corporate memos and some pre-production artwork from the amusement industry planning company Imaginatrix to support this news.
Groundbreaking should begin on Freelance Classical Musician Land as early as August of this year, with a targeted opening date of Spring, 2007. The information sent to us did not have the location of this planned park, but did provide some tantalizing hints at what it would hold. Amongst the attractions we know are slated for the park, subject to change, are the following:
Revenge of the Musicians: The Decimation
This appears to be a heavily themed Sally dark ride where patrons can shoot at annoying people. For example, killing a target that asks the rider when they plan to get a "real job" will be 100 points; killing one that sees the rider play an exceptionally difficult concerto the best they've ever played it and then says they think "Devil Went Down to Georgia" is harder will be 200 points; and killing one that says Josh Groban is a great musical artist will be 1,000,000,000 points.
Tax Time Stunt Show
In this exciting outdoor stunt venue, park visitors will experience the full fury of tax preparation by simulated classical musicians. Visitors will feel the thrilling agony of spending seventeen full days collecting 12 W-2's, 24 1099's, and bags of miscellaneous checks, teaching fees, and deductions; at the completion of this task, they will either owe money despite making 10,000 dollars the previous year, or, in certain versions of the show, receive a crisp refund check for one dollar from the State of Connecticut. Currently, the show is planned to run the entire seventeen days for "realism," but logistics may force it to a more manageable length.
Extreme Orchestra Management Anal Violator
In this motion simulation attraction, guests will feel what it is like to negotiate a new contract with the management of a regional orchestra. Among the thrills will be points where the management cuts the pay of the musicians while raising the salary of its chief executive by 20,000 dollars; insists on maintaining an attendance policy that allows no missed services, even in the case of repetitive stress injuries or car wrecks; not fixing a faulty door backstage that severed the finger of one musician and slashed another in the face; and telling the musicians, with a straight face, that their group, which pays about 3000 bucks a year and offers no benefits, should be the chief source of the musicians' income and primary place of loyalty, so they really shouldn't be performing with any other groups and wearing themselves out for this one. Practical concerns dictate that this simulator ride not last two full years as in reality, so an alternate plan has the park guests just sitting down and having a gigantic cattle prod rammed up their ass really hard.
Moose Assault
Visitors will board a Toyota Corolla with far too many miles on it already. Simulating the life of a freelance musician, this attraction will force its riders to play 8 AM kiddie concerts in northern Vermont, drive to eastern Connecticut for night rehearsals, and then drive back for the next day's kiddie concerts, every day and night for exactly one week, all in a desperate effort to pay the electric bill on time. During one of the nights, selected at random, the car will be directed, for some unknown reason, by police straight into the exploded remains of a moose that someone else has just hit, spraying chunks of moose bones, brains, entrails, and scrotum all over the Corolla at speeds approaching 70 mph. The moose remains will be specially formulated to smell precisely as if Satan has taken a spicy burrito shit on the car, and several power washings will fail to remove all the red gore from the chassis. As with the previous attraction, the current plan calls for the entire seven-day experience to take place in real time, but it could eventually be scaled back to having patrons sit in a chair and then be beaten with baseball bats and have moose guts blasted into them via air cannon.
--JCK
Monday, June 06, 2005
Enthusiast Seeks Vekoma's Wisdom
A coaster enthusiast recently put to rest the controversy over the inversion count for Vekoma's Flying Dutchmen-style rides by contacting Vekoma itself. The enthusiast, who admitted to being "awfully confused by inversion counts," went straight to the almighty temple of truth, wisdom, and justice- Vekoma itself- for an answer to her ills.
"Our Flying Dutchman (1018 meters) has 7 inversions," read the email response from the company, which experts say has no interest whatsoever in inflating anything about its rides in order to sell more of them.
"Thank God," said the enthusiast. "Vekoma really was the obvious place to check for honest information about their own rides. I have beheld the mighty fountain of truth that is emailed information from Vekoma, and it is wondrous. Thank goodness this wasn't a waste of my valuable time."
In other news, the American Coaster Enthusiasts have just announced that they have organized a seance to ask John Allen if PKI Racer should count as one or two coasters.
--LSN/JCK
A coaster enthusiast recently put to rest the controversy over the inversion count for Vekoma's Flying Dutchmen-style rides by contacting Vekoma itself. The enthusiast, who admitted to being "awfully confused by inversion counts," went straight to the almighty temple of truth, wisdom, and justice- Vekoma itself- for an answer to her ills.
"Our Flying Dutchman (1018 meters) has 7 inversions," read the email response from the company, which experts say has no interest whatsoever in inflating anything about its rides in order to sell more of them.
"Thank God," said the enthusiast. "Vekoma really was the obvious place to check for honest information about their own rides. I have beheld the mighty fountain of truth that is emailed information from Vekoma, and it is wondrous. Thank goodness this wasn't a waste of my valuable time."
In other news, the American Coaster Enthusiasts have just announced that they have organized a seance to ask John Allen if PKI Racer should count as one or two coasters.
--LSN/JCK
Saturday, June 04, 2005
Blow Us, Six Flags
Our Site O' the Weak this week is a little unusual: it's the Six Flags Season Pass Renewal Page. And while the page itself is the garish blast of sparkly colors that is the hallmark of any page on the Six Flags site, that isn't why it's the Site O' the Weak. No, there's more afoot here. And really, it isn't all the webpage's fault; unfortunately, since we can't make the Six Flags corporate structure or a wide array of moronic customer service people a Site O' the Weak, the stupid season pass renewal webpage is going to have to take one for the team.
It all began a couple weeks ago when we decided to get around to buying our Six Flags pass. This was still before the prices really got jacked, and we'd finally decided we'd make just enough use of a pass to make a purchase worthwhile. So we went to this season pass renewal webpage and filled in the number of our previous year's pass; doing this allegedly would result in Six Flags taking our credit card payment and then a ready-to-use renewed pass would appear in our mailbox so we could avoid waiting in line with the scum of the Earth for five hours for processing on our first visit.
Note that we say "allegedly." What happened in this case was that the webpage then said "Unable to process request at this time. Please try again in ten minutes." Well, these things happen. We tried again in ten minutes, and then several more times over the next few days, all with the same result. We tried disabling pop-up blocker and secondary firewall, we tried two different internet browsers, we used a friend's computer, we tried anything we could think of, all to no avail. And it's not like these were ancient computers; ours is almost exactly one year old, and we know enough about it that we've reinstalled the operating system, installed and reconfigured hardware, and massively streamlined the way our software runs and even loads at start-up. In other words, we are far from being brilliant computer specialists, but we aren't the kind of morons who would think the DVD drive is a cup holder or not figure out how to order a damn season pass correctly.
And now that we think about it, we ordered our renewal on the same site using the same frickin' computer last season!
In desperation, we called the online support number. That's where an irritating experience became truly piss-off worthy. When we described the issue, the helpful Six Flags employee said, and we quote, "the system used by Six Flags to process renewals does frequently cause problems with some types of computers, primarily those made by Apple or those running Windows."
Yes, that's right. Their season pass renewal system admittedly doesn't always work with Mac, nor does it necessarily work with PC's running Windows. How convenient! Only 97% of all computer users may experience some trouble on this website! Glad all those Linux people have full access to a season pass for those filthy parks, at least.
The experience continued, over the course of several days, with various transfers to various departments, various unfilled promises to "check on the problem and get back to you," and, finally, some worthless guest services rep telling us that we would have to go to the park in person since they won't do renewals by email or over the phone, and, more importantly, that the price had now gone up substantially, so she didn't "see much point getting a pass at this point."
You know what? Now that we think about it, she was absolutely right. F*ck you, Six Flags. You just lost a customer for the entire season. We're too busy for this nonsense.
--JCK
Our Site O' the Weak this week is a little unusual: it's the Six Flags Season Pass Renewal Page. And while the page itself is the garish blast of sparkly colors that is the hallmark of any page on the Six Flags site, that isn't why it's the Site O' the Weak. No, there's more afoot here. And really, it isn't all the webpage's fault; unfortunately, since we can't make the Six Flags corporate structure or a wide array of moronic customer service people a Site O' the Weak, the stupid season pass renewal webpage is going to have to take one for the team.
It all began a couple weeks ago when we decided to get around to buying our Six Flags pass. This was still before the prices really got jacked, and we'd finally decided we'd make just enough use of a pass to make a purchase worthwhile. So we went to this season pass renewal webpage and filled in the number of our previous year's pass; doing this allegedly would result in Six Flags taking our credit card payment and then a ready-to-use renewed pass would appear in our mailbox so we could avoid waiting in line with the scum of the Earth for five hours for processing on our first visit.
Note that we say "allegedly." What happened in this case was that the webpage then said "Unable to process request at this time. Please try again in ten minutes." Well, these things happen. We tried again in ten minutes, and then several more times over the next few days, all with the same result. We tried disabling pop-up blocker and secondary firewall, we tried two different internet browsers, we used a friend's computer, we tried anything we could think of, all to no avail. And it's not like these were ancient computers; ours is almost exactly one year old, and we know enough about it that we've reinstalled the operating system, installed and reconfigured hardware, and massively streamlined the way our software runs and even loads at start-up. In other words, we are far from being brilliant computer specialists, but we aren't the kind of morons who would think the DVD drive is a cup holder or not figure out how to order a damn season pass correctly.
And now that we think about it, we ordered our renewal on the same site using the same frickin' computer last season!
In desperation, we called the online support number. That's where an irritating experience became truly piss-off worthy. When we described the issue, the helpful Six Flags employee said, and we quote, "the system used by Six Flags to process renewals does frequently cause problems with some types of computers, primarily those made by Apple or those running Windows."
Yes, that's right. Their season pass renewal system admittedly doesn't always work with Mac, nor does it necessarily work with PC's running Windows. How convenient! Only 97% of all computer users may experience some trouble on this website! Glad all those Linux people have full access to a season pass for those filthy parks, at least.
The experience continued, over the course of several days, with various transfers to various departments, various unfilled promises to "check on the problem and get back to you," and, finally, some worthless guest services rep telling us that we would have to go to the park in person since they won't do renewals by email or over the phone, and, more importantly, that the price had now gone up substantially, so she didn't "see much point getting a pass at this point."
You know what? Now that we think about it, she was absolutely right. F*ck you, Six Flags. You just lost a customer for the entire season. We're too busy for this nonsense.
--JCK
Tuesday, May 31, 2005
Theme Park Website Announces Required Reading List
The Assistant Dean of Undergraduate Affairs at Theme Park Critic has just announced the required reading materials for any coaster enthusiasts who enroll at the website in the future, stating that "education is a year-round goal."
Those who are admitted to the website, beginning immediately, will be required to read the Concise English Handbook, Chicago Manual of Style, Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, and Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.
"Bad grammar is a widespread problem in our field," said the Assistant Dean. "With this reading requirement, we are hoping our new posters will be able to express themselves in a competent way. Although we frankly find much of the posting on these forums to be appalling, we feel that taking a preemptive correctional approach like this is far better than just suspending people for typos."
However, the Assistant Dean then added, "If these boneheads can't tell the difference between 'its' as a possessive and 'it's' as a contraction after all that required reading, I will not only suspend them, I will strangle them with my bare hands," although he did request that this statement be considered off the record.
--JCK
The Assistant Dean of Undergraduate Affairs at Theme Park Critic has just announced the required reading materials for any coaster enthusiasts who enroll at the website in the future, stating that "education is a year-round goal."
Those who are admitted to the website, beginning immediately, will be required to read the Concise English Handbook, Chicago Manual of Style, Strunk and White's The Elements of Style, and Eats, Shoots & Leaves: The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation.
"Bad grammar is a widespread problem in our field," said the Assistant Dean. "With this reading requirement, we are hoping our new posters will be able to express themselves in a competent way. Although we frankly find much of the posting on these forums to be appalling, we feel that taking a preemptive correctional approach like this is far better than just suspending people for typos."
However, the Assistant Dean then added, "If these boneheads can't tell the difference between 'its' as a possessive and 'it's' as a contraction after all that required reading, I will not only suspend them, I will strangle them with my bare hands," although he did request that this statement be considered off the record.
--JCK
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