Niche Marketing: The Fugly Demographic
A Special Report for Parks Nationwide

In an era where ticket pricing appears to have reached a ceiling, per-cap spending has become even more important to amusement park operators around the world. When talking about souvenirs there are many different groups to sell to: moms with infants, families with tweens and young adults.

But there are also other types of people that parks are now seeking out, one of the largest being the fugly demographic. [Author's note: For additional definitions of fugly please see here, here, here, and here.]

This is a market that Disney has long gone after, specifically with its jean jacket product line. Tim Stewart, Merchandising Manager for the Magic Kingdom, says that fuglies love sporting jackets with Eeyore and/or Tigger patches. He noted that "recent buying trends are skewing to fugly chicks when it comes to ugly jean jacket purchases. Often we find that these women also fill their house or trailer with Thomas Kincade paintings and Hummel figurines." Independent research shows that fugly women relate to these characters because they either blather on about things no one cares about (i.e.,Tigger) or simply cannot get laid and have terrible personalities (i.e., Eeyore).

Disney isn't the only park chain cashing in on the people whose faces can stop clocks. Paramount Parks recently issued a classic Days of Thunder racing jacket, complete with the large quote "That's Rubbin' Son, and Rubbin's Racin'" caringly embroidered on the back. Corporate Promotions Director Adam Jones said, "We do find it amazing that ugly people who cannot afford basic hygiene products have no problem plopping down $200 for a shitty, ugly jacket. But we are happy to take their money." Jones commented that the only racing-related item that has yet to sell well is a NASCAR-themed mirror.

After talking with park managers from around the country ARN&R came up with a list of items you will want to keep in stock to keep the fuglies opening their sweaty Velcro-sealed wallets:

From Dollywood:
• Git R Done Truckers Hat (with optional Confederate Flag bill)

From NASCAR Speedpark:
• Dale Earnhardt Picture Hanger (the sales slogan is "Bang the wall - just like Dale!)

From Six Flags St. Louis:
• Tweety Bird Poncho and Muumuu Set

From Magic Springs:
• "Mustache Rides - 5 cents" and "I Can't Believe I Ate the Whole Thing!" t-shirts

We hope these suggestions and insight allow you to grow your park's market share of the fugly demographic.

-FMB

Adoring Fan Not Seen

Shortly before embarking on our not-event this weekend, we received the following letter from a presumably worshipful fan of ARN&R:

I've already got my outfit all picked out!

I was goning to keep it a surprise, but I'm just too excited about it.

I bought a youth large Beast shirt on ebay the other day. That should
fit me, right?

It's only got minor armpit staining, and a little unidentifiable
"crust" running across one of The Beast's claws, but otherwise is in
*mint* condition.

I'm thinking of pairing it with some super short 70s tennis shorts,
black sox, and my jogging shoes from Payless with the Velcro
fasteners.

I hear there are a lot of stairs at Mt. Olympus, so I want to be sure
to be in athletic mode!

During our visits to the Mall of America, Valleyfair!, and The Dells, the ARN&R staff sort of forgot that we'd said people could look for us and join us, and instead reverted to our standard practice of avoiding and ignoring anyone who looked even remotely enthusiast-like. For that reason, we made no effort to be seen by Mr. Slightly-Crusted Beast Shirt (and frankly would have hidden behind a tree if he'd gotten anywhere near us), so he might be a sad clown since he did not actually get to meet his heroes. ARN&R regrets the inconvenience.

--CSB/JCK

Holiday World Announces Thanksgiving-Themed Section

The wait is over – Holiday World announced that its new coaster, The Voyage, will be opening in May of 2006, in a new area of the park themed to Thanksgiving. This area joins existing holiday lands Halloween, Christmas, 4th of July, and the non-holiday related Holidog’s Fun Town. While little information was on the park's website about the new area, ARN&R’s trusty sources have found out what awaits us in 2006:

New Rides!

The following new Turkey-Day themed rides are expected to open alongside The Voyage:

• Pilgrim's Progress - antique car ride where riders get ambushed, scalped by Indians!
  
• Dinner Table Drama – A "4-D" Film Experience of dysfunctional family Thanksgiving, starring Garfield®!
  

A New Show!

A fantastic new music and dance show, The Separatist Follies, will be on the “Cornucopia Stage” in May 2006!

Holidog’s Happy Thanksgiving Day Parade!

Sponsored by AJ Wright, this is a wonderful parade of all your Holiday World friends – don’t forget to wave to Santa!

A Giant New Restaurant!

This “comforting” new dining experience brings you the best of Thanksgiving fare, with an amusement park twist! On our menu you’ll find:

• Deep Fried Mashed Potatoes on a Stick!
  
• Cranberry Ice Cream!
  
• Green Bean Casserole Smoothies!
  
• The “Leftover Sandwich™” – a Holiday World Exclusive!

Additionally, for a nominal surcharge, live actors portraying characters from the Dinner Table Drama ride will scream at you during dinner for having a crappy job and failing to marry and/or provide grandchildren.

See You Next Year!

--MMB, who refuses to name her top secret source for this story

Valleyfair! Brochure

Just visit here and mark out anything referring to ACE and change it to ARN&R. And change the date to Sunday, July 31st. And maybe send us a note. Also, no buffet, ERT, or gravy.

Enthusiasts Remember “The Good Old Days”

Is that a hint of nostalgia in the air? That’s not surprising if you’re around a roller coaster enthusiast, though you may also be smelling the ranch dressing. They long for days past. Many want to bring back the rides of their favorite designers or simply remember what it was like to live in a college dorm room instead of their parents' basement.

“Things have certainly changed,” said Tim Scott, one of the contributing members to Thrillnerds. “Back in 2000 it was great to be alive. Legend was opening, Millennium Force was standing proud and Lighting Racer was a joy to behold. These days you just can’t find joy like that anymore,” he sobbed. “It just isn’t special.”

Flip Wilson, managing director for Xtremecoasters agreed. “In those days, you could ride so many coasters, enjoy intelligent conversation on RRC and breathe in the fresh air of amusement park freedom. Today we get garbage like Avalanche and Thunderhead. That’s bullshit!”

These many years have certainly put a damper on the collective spirit of the amusement park community. After all, they no longer can stay at home and enjoy the Discovery Channel taping shows -- enthusiasts actually have to get out and visit an amusement park. Once there, many sob quietly as they realize they have to walk from one side of the park to another. On a recent park visit, enthusiast Scott Reynolds could be found talking to himself in a corner. He simply whispered the words “Drachen Fire” over and over.

Friends, a new day will come and the venerable patch jacket will once again be considered "the shit." We promise.

--FMB

Dream Vacation With ARN&R

We'll be at Valleyfair on Sunday and the Dells on Monday. Send an e-mail sometime before then if you want to meet up. Or keep an eye out for geeks.

ACE Member Terminated

Lester Pryzbylewski, 33, had his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) terminated today due to violations of the ACE Code of Conduct and "gross incompetence as a roller coaster enthusiast." A member of ACE for seven years, Pryzbylewski was cited for three major violations of the Code within a span of a mere five days, leaving the organization with little choice but to discipline what one ACE official called "our little rebellious malcontent."

-The first violation occurred on Thursday, when Pryzbylewski and his girlfriend Martina drove into Pennsylvania to visit friends Friday. Running slightly late for dinner at the friends' house, the couple drove right by Dorney Park, despite the fact that it was fully visible from and easily accessible via Interstate 78.

"We didn't have the time to go to Dorney!" Pryzbylewski protests. "Rick was making dinner and we were going to be late. I know it's a clear violation of Article 7 of the ACE Code of Conduct to actually physically see a coaster and not go ride it, but I figured I could slip under the radar this time and come back later in the summer to get some Hydra. Plus I did actually leave a nose print on the car window from ogling the thing. But officially you don't get credit for ogling a coaster, only riding it, so I actually would have accepted a reprimand or suspension for my behavior that evening."

-Article 7 reared its brutal head a day later, as Pryzbylewski visited Hersheypark's Chocolate World without setting foot in the actual park once.

"Now this one I don't get," said the exasperated enthusiast. "For not going to Dorney I was clearly in error, but I can explain this one. See, we had a bunch of people staying at Rick's, and there were babies involved that would have gotten fussy, and two of the people in the group won't ride coasters, and we hadn't all seen each other in about five years and we thought actually socializing might be nice, plus it was an utterly packed Saturday where we would've been in line all day in 120 degree heat. It seemed like it would be fun to go see that silly free ride and get a candy bar, though. What the hell is wrong with that?"

"Rules are rules," said an anonymous ACE official when asked for comment. "You play with fire, you get burned. A real enthusiast would leave the babies and non-riders in the car while he entered Hersheypark for a full day of fun by himself. His failure to do so sets a bad example, and will be severely punished."

-The last violation, which allegedly occurred on Tuesday, came as "a complete and utter surprise" to the enthusiast. When he returned home from what he calls "an innocent trip" to take a friend to Bradley International Airport, he found an email from the ACE Executive Committee informing him that he was not only being cited from gross misconduct or suspended, but immediately terminated from the club. "What the hell did I even do?" he positively wailed.

"Mr. Pryzbylewski should hardly be surprised that he was penalized for violating rules on Tuesday," said the ACE official. "Article 8 of the Code lays out dire penalties for failing to respond appropriately to roller coaster stimulus while out of the house. This man left his home and drove a friend to an airport near Hartford. Yet he did not see fit to make time for his duty of going to an amusement park while he was out? Checking our records, it can be seen that he passed within 34.51 miles of Lake Compounce, 13.76 miles of Six Flags New England, and 3238.06 miles of Vancouver Playland, and he did not ride a coaster at any of them. He's lucky we didn't execute him."

According to eyewitness accounts, Pryzbylewski is currently sobbing himself to sleep thinking about how much it will harm him in the coming months not to receive ACE News or have loud, smelly people ooze halfway into his seat during exclusive ride times.

--JCK

Correction

We were recently informed that Kennywood no longer offers multiple pricing options, which means last week's story about the armbands from the park being indestructible might technically be construed as being full of shit, since they aren't in use now. They had armbands the last time we went, we swear. If it proves impossible to suspend your disbelief at the continuity error, just substitute the name of some other park that does actually still offer multiple pricing options.

And if you were planning on writing us a testy letter informing us of the error, we're obviously aware of it already. Therefore, you can feel free to put up your crayon and scrap of paper, and instead redirect your valuable energy toward vigorously jacking off to illegal onboard ride videos, as per your usual schedule.

--JCK

Kennywood Armband Still Won't Come Off

Russell Hightower, 16, had a great time visiting Kennywood last Friday with some friends from his summer camp. However, the young man says that he has picked up an unexpected and somewhat undesired souvenir from the park. It's his pay-one-price armband, and, as he eloquently puts it, "the f*cking thing won't come off."

Kennywood, a traditional amusement park located outside of Pittsburgh, is one of the few American parks that still offer multiple pricing options. Patrons may buy tickets for individual rides, or, if they wish to experience a large portion of the entire park, they may purchase an armband that allows them access to all attractions. However, some of these patrons, like Hightower, have great difficulty removing these armbands.

Hightower was not initially concerned that he could not take his armband off. "I was in the bus with the other guys on the camp trip," he says. "After I got on, I tried to pull it off, and it wouldn't budge. I thought maybe it was just a little tight, so I pulled harder. But it stayed right where it was. That's when I grew concerned."

Hightower then asserts that he tried numerous methods for removing the armband, including chomping on it with his teeth, bracing it against a window latch, trying to insert his foot into it to rip it loose, getting a burly friend to tug on it, and whimpering like a little girl. None of these methods proved useful, particularly not the last one, which seems likely to have led directly to the unpleasant incident later that night where dorm-mates covered the toilet bowl with saran wrap and broke the bathroom lights immediately before Hightower went to defecate.

Unable to remove the armband by any obvious means during the bus ride back to camp, Hightower eventually decided to wait until the next day and attack it with new vigor. "It still wouldn't come off," he tells ARN&R. "I tried a pocket knife. I tried scissors. I tried broken glass in the parking lot. Nothing. What are these damn things made of? Some sort of secret, indestructible space-age polymer?"

"Help me," he added in a strangled whisper.

According to one friend of Hightower's, the armband is "really sexy," and "all the chicks want him now," before either coughing loudly or possibly laughing into his fist.

--JCK

Crime at Holiday World

We here at ARN&R hate to break the news of a crime wave at beloved Holiday World, but feel it is our journalistic mandate to tell it like it is. And so we are forced to inform you that there is a new criminal element roaming Splashin' Safari, an element of either extreme hipness or extreme anti-ARN&Rness, or possibly an extremely hip anti-ARN&R-er.

Last week, ARN&R visited the fair town of Santa Claus, Indiana. After shedding thousands of screaming fans, we headed to the water park section and put two towels and a t-shirt for hipster duo Mates of State on a beach chair. After much splashing fun (sorry, splashin' fun), we returned to find the towels and t-shirt gone. Visits to the lost and found were to no avail, and we were forced to purchase our very own Splashin' Safari t-shirt just to be able to return to the main park.

We are forced to conclude that we were the victims of either (a) a fan of indie music so vile that he or she would steal a t-shirt almost directly off the back of a fan of the band or (b) a stalker-iffic opponent of the truth and good that comes from ARN&R, perhaps one of those AAARNR people.

We thought for a moment that it might be someone who fit both descriptions, but then we remembered that the AAARNR people like only .38 Special and early David Hasselhoff.

Or it might have been that Mrs. Koch, trying to pump up park t-shirt sales. We wouldn't put it past her.