Snyder Consults Thesaurus

After gaining three seats on the Six Flags board of directors and carefully reviewing Six Flags's books and plans, Dan Snyder quickly purchased a copy of Roget's Thesaurus and put a tape flag on the page for "weather."

Exclusive sources indicate that Snyder has prepared a list of synonyms in preparation for upcoming conference calls. Investors can, in the future, expect to hear that revenue targets were missed due to atmospheric conditions; adverse barometric measurements; unexpectedly high wind and precipitation outcomes; negative temperature, air pressure, wind, humidity, cloudiness, and precipitation conditions; and nonpositive meterological situations.

"We are creating a new approach here at Six Flags," said Red Zone spokesman Paul Atkinson. "No longer will we simply blame bad results on bad weather. That's not good enough in the Snyder era; we're stepping up to the plate and being honest about the financial impact of liquid deposits that fall from the atmosphere to the surface and have a diameter greater than 0.5 millimeters."

Disney Announces Chronicles of Narnia Ride

The Walt Disney Company announced this evening that it will open a major new attraction at its Florida Disney World resort next season. Debuting at the Animal Kingdom, one of four major theme parks within the boundaries of Disney World, in the spring of 2006, will be The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the With and the Wardrobe: Aslan's Pride: The Experience. Built to capitalize on the excitement generated by this holiday season's release of the movie version of The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe, TCN:LW2:APTR is being billed as Disney's most innovative amusement concepts yet.

"It's an e-ticket attraction using technology the world has never seen," said an Animal Kingdom representative.

Most unusual about the attraction is the relatively short time it will take to implement it within Animal Kingdom. A typical major Disney show or ride might take years to plan, build, and test, but according to the representative, the company's Imagineers came up with the idea "just yesterday" and that it was anticipated that it will open on schedule in a few short months.

According to one insider, Animal Kingdom will move one of its lions from the Kilimanjaro Safari ride into a private enclosure surrounded by public viewing areas. A sign saying "Aslan" will be placed in front of the enclosure, and a park employee hidden nearby will broadcast his voice through a small microphone hung around the lion's neck, saying things like "Though the Witch knew the Deep Magic, there is a magic deeper still which she did not know" and "Rise up, Sir Peter Fenris-Bane. And whatever happens, never forget to wipe your sword."

TCN:LW2:APTR is expected to cost Disney in excess of four hundred dollars, but executives are confident that the company will recoup its investment rapidly when C.S. Lewis fans descend upon Animal Kingdom in droves this coming season.

--JCK

AdBuzz Now Broadcasting in HD

Webmaster and coaster enthusiast Jeffy Pizzle's world famous advertising website, AdBuzz.com, will now be broadcasting across the Internet in blazing high-definition glory, according to a press release issued today by AdBuzz's parent company SODA Global Media.

"We at AdBuzz are extremely excited to bring this new entertainment technology to the roller coaster lover community," Pizzle was quoted in the press release. "Everyone who has ever wanted to 'spank the monkey' in full 16:9 aspect ratio now has a place to call home. The same goes for everyone who has ever wanted to 'win a free iPod Shuffle' in 5.1 Dolby Digital surround sound."

Visitors to AdBuzz also have the opportunity to join the "almost ad-free" version of the website. The site's "Frequently Asked Questions" section states that members of AdBuzz Club will be given "the privilege of viewing AdBuzz.com in 'super Hi-Def.'" ARN&R researchers spent three hours researching what "Super Hi-Def" is and came to the conclusion that it must have something to do with the AdBuzz business model, which is also described by Pizzle in the press release:

"Our business model at AdBuzz.com is built on treating our potential customers as absolute shit. We vow never to let any content be displayed 'above the fold,' to badger club members to join the damn club after they already joined it, to censor ourselves and others whenever something is said that would make our admins, moderators, or amusement parks we kiss the asses of look bad, and to annoy the piss out of potential customers with ads until they pony up the cash. If they don't like it, they can just stop visiting the website."

When asked how, exactly, a business can survive by telling its customers to sod off all the time, Pizzle replied, "You have no life and you're a douche bag."

Already rumors are emerging about the next generation of AdBuzz technology. One popular rumor includes small projectiles that shoot out of CD/DVD drives and pierce the eyeballs of site visitors while playing an audio ad proclaiming "Bow to me, my sheep! Free Kool Aid with purchase!"

--WCT

Best. Post. Ever.

Thank you, Coasterfreak2. You're the best.

Our favorite line:

So I go into my wallet and pulled out my ACE card, and it almost seemed like a drug bust.

Again, Coasterfreak2, you rule.

Does "Al-Sha'ab" Translate as "Really Hurts Our Eyes and Ears?"

If you're planning a visit to Kuwait in the next few months (and who isn't?), you're almost certainly going to want to visit the country's top amusement zone, Al-Sha'ab Leisure Park. However, if you're looking for more information about this place, we highly recommend that you call and ask for a brochure and avoid the website at all costs. That is, unless you enjoy the following:

-Seizure-inducing colors, annoying Flash animations, and incessant, ear-crippling music.

-Even more incessant, ear-crippling music, on a page that refuses to actually go "back" when the "back" option is given on the page itself.

-Bizarre scratch ticket promotions that seem a little too good to be true.

-Roller coasters with unwise catch slogans, such as "Blow Your Brains Off."

-Spellings along the lines of "Fire Grigade."

If you do enjoy all these things, by all means girdle yourself with the splendor of our Site O' the Weak for hours at a time.

--JCK/SPS

New Coaster Design Firm Announced

The competition between roller coaster design firms has grown more fierce than ever in recent years, as drastic reductions in the number of major new projects for the world's amusement parks have continued. As if established coaster companies didn't already have enough trouble landing a coveted contract for one of these projects, yet another strong new player has just entered the crowded field.

Announcing its presence today is the coaster design firm of Bollinger & Mabillard. Combining the engineering know-how of famed designer Claude Mabillard with the modest football skills of New York Jets quarterback Brooks Bollinger, this dream team firm comes with built-in respect, and immediately has thrust itself into consideration for upcoming amusement park projects. Faced with a juggernaut such as this one, several smaller design firms are rumored to be filing for bankruptcy within the week.

Mabillard formerly was one half, with Walter Bolliger, of the successful company Bolliger & Mabillard, which revolutionized the coaster industry with innovations such as its inverted rides and smooth, organic trackwork. In recent years, the company, although still respected, had reached a point of stagnation, and Mabillard felt like he "needed to shake things up." He insisted that his decision to partner with a mediocre football player with minimal engineering experience had nothing whatsoever to do with the fact that his new company would be easy to find in Google searches, seeing as approximately 87% of all coaster enthusiasts incorrectly spell "Bolliger" as "Bollinger" anyway.

"This is not an ELP situation," Mabillard said sternly, referring to the pretentious prog-rock band that once replaced drummer Carl Palmer with Cozy Powell pretty much entirely because he was the best available option whose last initial did not require the band to alter its name.

Bollinger, who majored in sociology at Wisconsin University and occasionally completes passes to his own teammates while playing quarterback for the Jets, provides what Mabillard refers to as "near competence" and an "energetic ability to accept failure" to the roller coaster industry. Bollinger, meanwhile, has indicated that it is far more relaxing to design roller coasters than it is to play football, as evidenced by the relatively paltry number of sacks and turnovers he has suffered thus far in his new job.

After the termination of his partnership with Mabillard, Walter Bolliger will reportedly be working on some darker, more introspective acoustic material he feels was suppressed over the past two decades by the more crowd-pandering Mabillard.

--JCK

Holiday Flashback

We're still in a bit of a food coma this weekend, so we thought it might be appropriate to commemorate that fact with a Very Special Holiday Flashback Rerun Episode of ARN&R...

ARN&R Writer Felled by Thanksgiving

According to sources, an ARN&R writer was utterly conquered by Thanksgiving dinner this year. Although many were led to believe his membership in the American Coaster Enthusiasts would enable him to survive metric assloads of stuffing, cranberry sauce, and turkey, the writer proved to me a mere mortal, managing to cram only one substantial plate of food down his gullet, and suffering greatly as a result.

"He just lay on the couch moaning and massaging his stomach for the rest of the night," said the writer's girlfriend. "I thought these enthusiast people were supposed to be able to pack down three or four tons of slop at one sitting. What a loser. Maybe I'll go find myself a real enthusiast who actually likes going backwards on rides and can help himself to a fifth plate of collard greens without having to loosen his belt and whine about how his tummy hurt."

According to one friend of the writer, his busy work schedule and lack of money led to the Thanksgiving incident. "Normally, he makes it to at least a couple enthusiast events," said a guest at the dinner. "Being amongst other enthusiasts for even just two or three buffets really keeps him in shape for pitching trowels of meat carcasses and bread into his esophagus. But this year, he wasn't able to get to a single event. If you don't practice ramming jugs of gravy and entire hams into your maw, you get out of shape at doing it."

When asked for comment, the writer allegedly grasped at his stomach, made a pained expression, and said "Uuuunnnnngggghhhhhhhhhh."

--JCK

King's Dominion Ride Renamed

In unexpected news, Paramount's King's Dominion announced today that it would be changing the name of its venerable Shockwave roller coaster. Although the big news at the park will be the opening of its new Italian Job roller coaster, management representatives indicated that it was important to spruce up the image of some of the classic older rides at the park in order to keep interest in them at their typically high level.

Beginning with the 2006 season, the former Shockwave, an innovative standup looping design by Japanese manufacturer TOGO, will be known as the De-Testiculator. A new paint job and signage will accompany the switch.

"When we debated a new name for this wonderful attraction, we thought carefully about what Shockwave has meant to us and our visitors over the past decades," stated a portion of the announcement. "And we realized that the thing that stands out about the ride is its majestically aggressive restraint system. The chest-crushing things you hook your arms through, the sharp, thin anal probe, and of course the signature gonad-obliterating lap bar- all of them combine to create one of the planet's sublime masterpieces."

Other names considered for De-Testiculator included Groin Master, Ball Crusher, Crotch Shredder, Scrotum Hater, and The C*ck Punch.

--JCK

Baby Experience Goes Poorly

According to witnesses, single coaster enthusiast Jeb Gado, 26, had a trying time and really pissed off several friends during a recent visit to Islands of Adventure, a theme park in Orlando. Gado was the only person in his group of seven who was not carrying a baby with him, a situation which the same witnesses felt could be a major source of the trouble incurred during the trip.

"You could tell he was terrified of kids," said a random ugly woman without a bra who was standing in line for Spiderman. "He kept making gagging sounds and spasming whenever there was talk of breast feeding or baby doo-doo, so, considering the continual topic of conversation in line for that group was almost entirely based on those subjects, he was gagging a whole bunch."

"Man, that dude went nuts when one of the kids vomited green stuff all over him," said a soaking wet man with prominent man-boobs standing near the mean fountain. "And the parents just laughed and said he did it all the time. Boy, he was spitting mad about that. It looked like he had on some sort of really nice coaster t-shirt with tremendous collector value."

The most traumatic portion of the day, and the one which annoyed his friends, was when Gado was given a small child to hold in the baby swap area of Hulk. The mother of the youngster had wished to ride the launched coaster with her husband and, according to an annoying teenager with a thong sticking out of her incredibly short jeans, "thrust" the baby at a horrified Gado, whereupon said baby immediately began screaming its head off. At this point, Gado allegedly yelled, "Oh my God! Why is it making that sound? I'm breaking it! Take it away!" According to sources, these comments did not sit well with Gado's friends, nor with the many other parents in the baby swap area.

Gado could not be reached for comment.

--JCK

Clean, Concise, and Informative

Attention amusement parks and those who design websites for them: when we come to look at your site, we have very few needs. These needs definitely include being easily able to find basic information such as price, location, discounts, nearby accommodations, and how many annoying photographers will be hanging around at the park entrance waiting to block our path and piss us off. Our needs may include wanting to see pictures of your new ride or to get a list of attractions we'd want to prioritize in case of long lines.

Our needs most certainly do not include sitting at our computer for eight hours waiting for your stupid overzealous flash animations, rollovers, bouncing figures, javascripts, banner ads, pop-ups, and MIDI renditions of Celine Dion songs to all finally load up. They also do not include spending another hour browsing through your hopelessly mangled pages looking futilely for the basic information we mentioned above.

And, while we sometimes like to peruse a park map ahead of time so as to have a plan of attack on a potentially busy day, and appreciate park websites that provide them, we'd prefer they just show us where the crap is and let us link to descriptions, instead of looking like this slow-loading monstrosity from Knott's Berry Farm.

Those who do not cater to our needs are sometimes punished by being named the Site O' the Weak. You have been warned.

--JCK