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Snyder Consults Thesaurus

After gaining three seats on the Six Flags board of directors and carefully reviewing Six Flags's books and plans, Dan Snyder quickly purchased a copy of Roget's Thesaurus and put a tape flag on the page for "weather."

Exclusive sources indicate that Snyder has prepared a list of synonyms in preparation for upcoming conference calls. Investors can, in the future, expect to hear that revenue targets were missed due to atmospheric conditions; adverse barometric measurements; unexpectedly high wind and precipitation outcomes; negative temperature, air pressure, wind, humidity, cloudiness, and precipitation conditions; and nonpositive meterological situations.

"We are creating a new approach here at Six Flags," said Red Zone spokesman Paul Atkinson. "No longer will we simply blame bad results on bad weather. That's not good enough in the Snyder era; we're stepping up to the plate and being honest about the financial impact of liquid deposits that fall from the atmosphere to the surface and have a diameter greater than 0.5 millimeters."