Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.

Coaster Enthusiast First in Line for Final Destination 3

Following the grand tradition begun by Star Wars fans, a lone coaster enthusiast has begun waiting outside a cinema for a movie that will not be released for months. Gregory Diffendorfer, 23, has staked his place in line for Final Destination 3, which is expected to appear at movie theatres in mid-February.

"I'm first! That's right!" he told reporters from his lawn chair directly in front of the movie theatre entrance.

Final Destination 3, a sequel to the essentially unwatchable horror films Final Destination and Final Destination 2, tells the story of teenagers who escape their fate aboard a crashing roller coaster and are hunted down by death himself in retribution. According to Diffendorfer, the crossover appeal of the movie between horror movie fans and coaster enthusiasts mean that this will be "the event movie of the next decade" and that the "lines will stretch for miles," leading to his need to assure himself of a ticket by waiting outside for over two months. Experts claim that Diffendorfer's personal odor will be "unimaginable" after he curdles in his own sweat and urine for that long.

When one passerby pointed out to Diffendorfer that the Grauman's Chinese Theatre, the cinema where he is waiting in line, is not scheduled to exhibit Final Destination 3, the intrepid enthusiast stated that he was certain that overwhelming online protests that the landmark film was not being exhibited in its proper place would lead to Grauman's being shamed into adding it to their lineup.

--JCK