Pedro "Sez" His Website Sucks

Anyone unfortunate enough to be driving on I-95 in the vicinity of the Carolinas is well aware of the existence of South of the Border: a tacky, offensive, Mexican-themed area featuring overpriced stores, bathrooms you have to pay to use, a small amusement park called Pedroland, and an overwhelming aroma of urine. It's located just over the North Carolina border into South Carolina. The reason anyone who has ever driven on I-95 knows about this place is because there are obnoxious, giant billboards advertising it approximately every three feet for about five hundred miles in either direction.

Tragically, however, there are many people who have never endured this drive, but South of the Border has made giant efforts to reach out to these lost souls with its wondrous website. A website that has received the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award for this week.

Let's begin by saying how incredible the Pedroland front page is. It has the requisite eye-catching/blinding yellow border, complete with one small picture to give you the true feel of the park. All of the rides are listed on the main page as well, with absolutely no information about them except their names, seeing as how everyone knows what a "Quadzilla" is.

You are then treated to the awesome promotions the park does, with lines like the following, printed exactly as they appear on the website:

Or, play indoor golf at The Golf of Mexico...Pedro sez: "If you haven't played The Golf of Mexico, then you ain't played the game!".

We guess their mini golf is good; after all, if Pedro "sez" it's true, then it "ain't" be wrong!

You can then go the information page to learn of all the fantastic things to do when you plan your "family vacation" to Pedroland Park, like eating at their incredible restaurants or staying at their five-star motels. Be sure to book the classy "heir-conditioned" honeymoon suite if you knocked that chick up and need to wed her quick before Pappy gets out that shotgun.

Of course, Pedro isn't shy about ripping you off, either. One of the most comprehensive pages in the whole site is the novelty and souvenir shops page. Again, very comprehensive.

And don't worry if you forget your camera. The place has fabulous pictures, too. Let's see - judging by these pictures, the famous "Golf of Mexico" mini-golf that Pedro "sez" is so wonderful seems to be your basic outdoor course stored inside a warehouse. You can also show off pictures of a Giant Sombrero observation platform, Gorilla, a T-Shirt shop, and a weird "Big Man" mascot. They'll be so jealous.

Heck, Pedro even has a page where you can see just how far you are from his park. This is where people who have not seen South of the Border, but only experienced it online, discover that Pedro's Park is not in Mexico at all, but in wonderful South Carolina.

Oh, and don't forget the "cultured" parts of Pedro's pages, the parts where he offends all Hispanics everywhere with his obnoxious Americanized and stereotyped accent:

BUENS DIAS, AMIGO! pedro VER' GLAD YOU COME!!pedro got 112 meelion amigos, who stay weeth heem, opp teel now all satisfy come back, send frans...thees make pedro ver' HAPPEE...like for frans come back all time...pedro hope YOU make 112 meelion and wan hapee amigos! you come back soon, too, yes? Find your distance to Pedro's!

Yes, that's a direct quote. Or how about this one?

Pedro sez: "eef you follow pedro's signz, ze treep seem MOCH shorter!"

Great work, Pedroland. Making America more cultured and less bigoted by the minute.

--SPS

NCAA Adds Another Bowl Game in 2006-2007

Despite arguments by many sports reporters and college athletics experts that there are already far too many Division I-A football bowl games, the NCAA announced today that it will be adding a another one beginning with the 2006-2007 season.

The AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will take place on scenic Wake Island, and will feature the ninth-placed team from the Mid-American Conference against the sixth-place team from the Sun Belt Conference. The roller coaster satire blog Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors made the best competitive bid to attach their corporate logo to the lucrative bowl, reportedly beating out such large-scale commercial ventures as McDonald's, Six Flags, and Billy Joe's House of Lamn Mower Repairs, Pizza Delivery, Mini-Golf & Swamp Tours.

"This is a major step for our website in reaching a large audience and asserting ourselves to the American public," stated the website's Grand Poobah in a press conference. "We have seen the figures that show how many people tune in to view, say, Kansas versus Houston in the Ft. Worth Bowl, or Akron versus Memphis in the Motor City Bowl, or someone I totally forget in the San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl. Those numbers are intimidatingly huge, and we plan to maximize our exposure with a similarly synergetic relationship to our bowl game in the years to come."

Although the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl did not exist this year, it would theoretically have pitted 4-7 Eastern Michigan against 4-7 Troy. NCAA regulations require teams to have at least six Division I-A victories in order to be allowed to compete in a bowl game, but officials have already stated that, should the Sun Belt and MAC not provide enough bowl-eligible teams to play in the AbsolutelyReliable Bowl, alternates can be chosen from any loser team from a major conference that barely managed a winning record against primarily patsies, or, if necessary, a local middle school team.

The inaugural AbsolutelyReliable Bowl will debut on December 21st of 2006 at 4:00 AM EST. It will be broadcast on the Oxygen Network.

--JCK

New Cedar Point Attraction: Causeway Stro!!

ARN&R received this press release from Cedar Fair LP:

NEW ATTRACTION SECOND OF ITS KIND IN REGION, IN NATION
Attraction Will Create Unusual Link Between Ohio, Cedar Point

Sandusky, OH – January 2, 2006 – Cedar Fair earlier today unveiled its latest venture: The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!. Spanning a small part of Lake Erie and connecting Sandusky and Cedar Point, the Stro!! will be a tremendous tourist attraction.

“There’s nothing like this in the nation or even in the northern hemisphere, except maybe one that's coming in Cincinnati,” said Cedar Fair CEO Dick Kinzel.

“Between our new chain restaurants and our new chain hotels, Sandusky is enjoying a growing reputation as a location rather near an amusement park,” stated a Sandusky city spokesman. “The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!!, especially with its sassy use of exclamation points, is certainly another feature sure to draw the interest of those both near and far.”

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! is an adventure for the young, old and everyone in between. Starting at one end of the causeway leading to Cedar Point, strollers will embark upon a unique journey that will take them upwards of ten feet above water level and within feet of minivans and SUVs driven by enormous tourists, providing them with a bird’s eye view of Lake Erie. (Read "bird" as "penguin" or "other bird with wing injuries.") At the midpoint of the causeway, climbers will turn ninety degrees and face the lake for several seconds, admiring the splash of surf in their face and the odor of exhaust from behind. Strollers will also walk within four feet of a parking attendant's booth to get a close-up look at its architecture. During the trip, experienced guides will share stories about the history of parking at Cedar Point and recreate a dramatic and contentious city council meeting at which Sandusky considered a parking tax.

The D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will be constructed of an 18-inch shoulder on the road. To ensure participants’ safety during the stroll, each will be outfitted with a special stroll suit, consisting of a reflective vest, and provided with state-of-the-art trash-collecting tools, with which they will be allowed to collect discarded cans, fast-food wrappers, and the like.

Construction on the D!rt-and-Pavement-Colored Causeway Stro!! will begin this winter and the attraction is scheduled to open in Spring 2006. Cost of tickets will start around $60 per person, with an additional $5 surcharge for each pound of trash collected (which participants will be allowed to keep).

New Year's Resolution

We, the staff of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors, resolve the following:

We will only report news that is absolutely factual and accurate, and we will make nothing up. We will no longer focus our barbed keyboards upon the beautiful, innocent, and special coaster enthusiast community. We will no longer insult this great nation's fine amusement parks. We will instead be a positive force in the industry, giving deep respect to the wonderful, unselfish and brilliant coaster enthusiast community and park chains such as Six Flags.

Oh, wait. What did you say the date was? Oh! Sorry, we've been out drinking heavily. We got confused and thought it was April 1st. Apparently, it's actually January 1st. Please disregard the preceding paragraph entirely.

--JCK

Frontier City Accused of Throwing Games for Chance at Drafting Bush

In an editorial that has rocked the football world, sports columnist Roger Blue yesterday accused Oklahoma City's Frontier City amusement park of intentionally failing in an effort to obtain the first draft pick in next year's draft, presumably to obtain running back Reggie Bush.

"This strategy likely started way back when the park first decided not to install [mine train] Excalibur and have it just sit there rusting," wrote Blue. "And it became obvious when that ride was shipped to Six Flags Over Texas. Management may have well formally announced: 'We will lose all of our games this year and we want Reggie Bush.' Nightmare Train's status [as standing but not operating] for five years is obviously part of that strategy as well," Blue added.

The park denied that it was failing intentionally. "Sure, having 'Free Urine Spray Day' in the park turned out to be a bad idea in retrospect, but we thought it was a heck of an idea for cooling down in the Oklahoma summer," said Nellie Kokesh, park spokeswoman. "But it certainly wasn't an effort to have a disastrous season."

NFL analysts predict that Bush would instantly become the park's starting running back and could make the park a contender. "He's got the ability to avoid tacklers right out of the box; he's an instant impact player," said Michael Irvin (who, according to ARN&R's drug test, was not at that moment high on crack). "I've always thought Wildcat was an underrated quarterback who just needed a good back to establish the running game and give the play-action credibility. With Wild Kitty as a down-the-field threat at receiver and Diamond Back as fullback, this team immediately can contend for the NFC North championship."

Toddler Invokes Six-Day Rule

Feathers were ruffled today as a three-year-old Damon Carter invoked the well-known but controversial "Six-Day Rule" during a post-Christmas family visit to Disney World's Magic Kingdom in Orlando.

The incident occurred at approximately 4:00 PM, as the boy, his older sister Jean, and his parents passed behind the Pinocchio Village Haus restaurant on their way to the ever-insufferable Small World attraction. While his parents were distracted by the sight of a vicious nearby seagull pecking the eyes out of a hapless customer, Damon spotted a scrap of food in a corner behind a dumpster, grabbed it, and ate it. Witnesses say the child cried out "Six Days!" before eating the dicarded food scrap. The same witnesses were unable to ascertain whether the scrap was formerly a hot dog, hamburger, turkey-bacon wrap, or a solidified seagull turd.

Other youngsters in the vicinity derided Carter's actions. "It's one thing to invoke the five-second rule," said surprisingly eloquent Thad Goody, 4, who witnessed Carter's actions. "Myself, I have specifically ordered my butler Chauncy to pick up and return my dropped filet, caviar, and foie gras so I can eat it. However, I only do so within the accepted five-second period, and call out that I am doing so; otherwise, the dropped food items would become gross and spoiled, perhaps in as soon as six seconds. So six days is an obscenely long period."

Carter rebuffed Goody's comments, saying that the seagull turd was "nummers." Later in the day, he engaged in even more daring behaviour when he announced "Fifteen Days!" shortly before eating what might or might not have been a moldy french fry he found on the sidewalk near the Jungle Cruise.

--JCK

Willis McGahee Blamed For Park Closings

"I really hate Willis McGahee." So was the pronouncement last night from carpenter, coaster enthusiast, and avid fantasy football player Josh Warner, 41. "That little prick was a total waste of my first round pick in two fantasy leagues, where he proceeded to tank my seasons, make me finish in last place, and pretty much anally violate me on a weekly basis without even giving me a reach around."

"At first, I was only blaming McGahee for screwing up my fantasy seasons," said Warner. "But after I thought about it for a little while, I was fairly certain that he also caused Six Flags Astroworld and Whalom Park to close. I don't have any real proof of this, but he's such a p*ssy that I know he influenced them to shut down somehow, maybe because the owners had him on their teams and he sucked out their will to keep bothering with running a business." Warner further speculated that high gasoline prices, a weak dollar, and cockroaches might also be McGahee's fault, though he refused to go into specifics.

When asked for comment, McGahee grabbed a football from Kelly Holcomb, danced around nervously in the backfield, saw a defender thirty feet away, shit himself, slipped vaudeville-style on his own feces, and fell on the ground for a six-yard loss, whimpering like a little girl. Afterward, he proclaimed himself the greatest running back in the league, case closed.

"I loved Astroworld," concluded Warner. "I'll never forgive McGahee."

--JCK

Corporations Imitate Naming Strategy of Wholesale Shopping Club

The wholesale shopping club BJ's, with numerous stores located in sixteen states, has experienced substantial economic growth over the past several years. Multiple factors play into the success of BJ's: continual but cautious expansion keeps the company financially sound, while profits are sucked in from swarms of customers due to the wide variety of departments, the discount pieces, and the easy availability of freezer-burned, industrial-grade meat in bulk. However, the most important factor in the widespread success of BJ's has nothing to do with its finances or its filling a desperate consumer need for 400-gallon tubs of mayonnaise and Vaseline, but with its actual name.

"Market research showed that customers positively flock to a brand name that is sexually suggestive," says Tex Strong, BJ's Vice President of Consumer Relations. "Particularly when it's a blatant euphemism for oral sex. Everyone loves BJ's, right?"

BJ's has enjoyed years of acclaim due to its explicit name, but its uniqueness in the business world is coming to an end, as other companies seek to capitalize on the ability to sell their product through the use of implied head-giving. One famous example is the vehicle company formerly known as Environmentally Unsound Asshole-Mobiles Targeted Solely to Obnoxious Jerks With Tiny Limp Penises, which has seen a massive upswing in profits since its recent decision to rename itself "Hummer."

Among the other corporations that have announced new blowjob-friendly monikers over the past week have been The Knob Polishers (formerly Merry Maids), McMuff Dive (formerly McDonald's), and Skin Flutes & Rusty Trombones (formerly Sam Ash). But the most surprising oral-themed name change is the one undergone by what was known until today as Disney World.

Despite having a set of theme parks with what many experts describe as one of the most recognizable brand names in the history of the planet, Disney executives announced that the Florida entertainment empire will reopen tomorrow as Bone Yodel Land. The executives stated that the "chance to bring in a whole new crowd of passionate pleasure-seekers" was too good to pass up. Heading off any potential complaints from the Religious Right, the executives added that "nothing could possibly be more family friendly than steaming the carpets or churning some fresh man-butter."

In related news, Hooter's Restaurants and Dick's Sporting Goods issued a joint statement today indicating that both companies will also be considering name updates in the very near future, since neither currently has an appellation nearly suggestive enough to compete in the current economic climate. "Naming our businesses after dirty slang words for body parts was cutting edge in the 90's," the statement read in part, "but fellatio is clearly the wave of the future that we must embrace."

--JCK

What We Have Here is a Failure to Communicate

We recently received the following email, which we swear is reprinted precisely as we got it:

Subject: SECRET FILE

I AM YOUR SERVER...............................................PLEASE UPDATE APPROPRIATELY

SERVER IS HERE!

"Currently eating chicken from Knott's Not Nice Windjammer Factory poweredby Togo(the company,not the crappy country). Either way,they are both crappy.


Politically incorrect things over......................................


POLITICS>BUSH SUCKS!

AAAARRRNNNNNNRR!

RANDOM NAMES
Tom Wielfenstein, Okaki Wenkayahu, Abigail Omerson, Mzai Onzimonga, Jade Killerson, Hendrik Von Wonderboot.




DIE!




cUrReEnTlY pLaYiNg tHiS wAy








FUN COASTER

OPENING IN KNOEBELS!

250 Feet, 6 inversions, 6,777 feet,made by the American Coaster Company(grants provided by Carole Sanderson)




Opening in 20093,the meaning of life




SERVER IS DYING,DYING,DYING. ARNR GONE!

Yahoo! Music Unlimited - Access over 1 million songs. Try it free.


We had no earthly idea how to respond to this email, since we assumed it was written in some sort of foreign language that none of the editorial staff speaks. We therefore forwarded the message to Miguel Fredrickson, our Executive Vice President of Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services at the majestic AbsolutelyReliable Towers. After some delay, we received the following response:

Dear Sirs and Madams:

Greetings and salutations. The Foreign Language Foreign Support Technician Customer Servicing Help Pleasuring Lackey Enabling Services staff apologizes for the delay. Despite working around the clock for a week,and bringing in assistance from Dieter at the Quick Action Branch of the Semi-Literate Customer Inquiry Center, we still cannot tell in what language it is written. We have narrowed the likely choices down to Norwegian, Dutch, Afrikaans, and Quenya, but have gotten no further. Some of the staff believe it might also be some sort of beat poetry created in Sanskrit by a person who has never studied Sanskrit.

Dieter informs me that he is fairly certain that it's just the delusional rantings of some random cretin, and that it isn't written in any foreign language at all. I discount this theory, because I find it hard to believe any human is stupid enough to create this particular email if we are actually to interpret it as being written English. I feel a far more likely scenario involves the work being a short literary work of some sort in Punjabi or Finnish, and the words just happen to coincidentally line up into a series of simian scratchings and imbecilic nonsense if read, incorrectly, as English.

We shall continue to work our hardest on solving the mystery of this bizarre email.

Sincerely,
Your Humble Employee,
Miguel Fredrickson
Executive Vice President of Action Assistance Enabling Performance Supervisory Customer Pleasuring Happy Fun Directive Team Support Squad Services
A Proud Part of the Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Customer Service &
Delight Center

--JCK

ARN&R Broadcaster Wins Award

ARN&R is proud to announce that the host of its new Podcast, Co-Editor-in-Chief JCK, has received a 2005 National Association of Broadcasters Marconi Radio Award. The prestigious honor is believed to be the first for an amusement park satire publication, the first for a Podcast of any sort, and the first for a broadcasting group that has only released one actual broadcast in its history.

Shocked gasps were heard from the awards banquet audience as the announcement was made that JCK was being honored with a Special Achievement Marconi for having the Best Face for Radio Broadcast.

"I'm extremely pleased and humbled to be graced with such a magnificent prize," said JCK, upon taking the podium. "I've worked my whole career to be able to tell people, yeah, I won the Marconi for Best...what a second...does this statue actually say 'Best Face for Radio?' What the hell?"

--JCK