Turn Down the Contrast and Brightness Before Accessing Our New Site O' the Weak

Someone reasonably competent obviously set up the Southern Adventures website, our Site O' the Weak. After all, information is readily accessible and laugh-out-loud grammatical errors were not found on a quick perusal, setting this website leagues apart from those offered by plenty of other amusement parks.

That's why it's so puzzling that they chose to present their information on an eye-frying neon green background, with text in the exact same green color in little orange boxes. Folks, the background color is already harmful enough to continued ocular well-being, but when a site goes the extra step of having letters and overall colors in that same terrible color, it actually burns. Please make it stop.

While we're at it, we think the entry page gave us a mild seizure. We can't come visit your park if we're flopping around on the ground gnashing our tongues off and foaming from various orifices. It's a simple and unfortunate fact of life.

The park consists of fairly standard FAC stuff, and we're sure most of it is fine and fun, but we're going to take points off for the claim that "The Rock" is "the most realistic rock climbing simulator on the planet." We're also suspicious that the claims of "year round wholesome entertainment" and the large discounts for anyone bringing a church bulletin will result in a visit laden with people attempting to give you annoying pamphlets about how you are going to rot in hell, but if you like that sort of thing, don't let us stop you.

--JCK

Davis-Hedrick Spat Continues

The frosty relations and arguments between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick that transfixed the world during the Winter Olympics were widely supposed to have ended with last night's closing ceremonies. However, the feud has only just begun, as the pair continued to trade barbs on a coaster message board.

The latest incident came when Davis, using his handle of "SpeedRaptor3," posted a message to Ultimate Roller Coaster giving high marks to Goliath, the new B&M hypercoaster soon to open at Six Flags Over Georgia. Titling his post "Best cotser Ever!!!!!" Davis wrote that "Goliath holy crap this will be the best coatser ever ur an idiot if u dont think so. It looks awesome! New number one!"

Hedrick, a noted GCI fanboy, took the bait, replying (as "RumblerMaster") in a post that chided Davis for "being an idiot" and indicating that "B&M is two smooth, you suck, I like a nice feel of the woodies and Kintucky Rumbler will be the best woodie I have evah rode."

A flame war promptly ensued, and amongst the posts were ones where Davis accused Hedrick of refusing to slap hands with him during a HersheyPark ERT session five years ago and of "riding with his lapbar in an unsafe position," while Hedrick stated that he felt "betrayed" when Davis openly questioned the veracity of his coaster track record by pointing out to the enthusiast community that Hedrick always counts both tracks of a racer. Hedrick also noted that Davis was always causing trouble by trying to sneak a digital camera onboard rides with policies against such matters.

The flame war ended only when a moderator closed the thread, stating that one poster calling another a "poopyhead" was not allowed by the URC's Terms of Service Agreement. The two skaters are unperturbed. "I'll have my eye on Shani at least 23 hours per day," said Hedrick. "If you see him post something stupid, like the Wild Adventures Hangman is better than the Six Flags America Darien Lake Mind Eraser, I assure you that I will be there to put him in his place within seconds."

A post from Davis countering why the Hangman is a superior ride to any of the Mind Erasers is to be expected at URC within minutes, says a spokesman for the skater. "Shani will most likely also call Chad a fascist for his views on this matter while he's at it," the spokesman added.

--JCK

American Takes Gold in Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet

Helping to ease the taint of Bode Miller, the U.S. Winter Olympic team has won another gold medal. Competing in the debut of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet in Torino, Mark Jefferson, 52, came out ahead of a talented international field. Herbert Nordstruck of Liechtenstein took silver, followed by Miguel Raton of Spain.

The sport of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet combines a breathtaking mix of stamina, athletic skill, and artistry. In this event, coaster enthusiasts do a wide variety of difficult artistic maneuvers on kiddie coasters that have trouble getting up the lift hill. For instance, the "row the boat" maneuver is a required short program element. Although it is unusual among Winter Olympic competitions in that it does not involve snow or ice, and would seem a more natural fit with the Summer Games, organizers placed it during the Winter Olympics to avoid scheduling conflicts with the major operating season of the majority of the world's kiddie coasters.

Although the artistic marks of the three medal-winners were comparable, it was the incredible physical prowess of Jefferson that helped him edge out his competitors for the top position, as he executed the first competitive landing of the extremely difficult "quad lasso imitation/double inverted butt-spank to the back of the vehicle" move during an international competition.

"I've been landing it in practice pretty consistently the past couple years," said the victor. "But I always seemed to mess it up in major events on the World Cup circuit, so I was planning to play it conservative here. Then, when I saw Herbert's score go up on the board, I knew being conservative wouldn't get me the gold. I decided to pull out all the stops, and either get the gold or fall and probably lose any spot on the podium. I'm glad the risk paid off."

"This event used to be primarily about beauty and artistry," said commentator Dick Button. "The reality in recent years is that the competitors who don't attempt the major combination elements while riding kiddie coasters, such as the thing where you pretend to crack a whip over the ride to encourage it to go faster, are getting left behind. It's an evolution to a more athletic side of the sport. I'm definitely curious to see how many competitors will be prepared with that new move at the next Games in Vancouver."

--JCK

Enthusiast Kicked Out Of PKD

Paramount Kings Dominion security guards were surprised last night when they came upon Eric Supher, a West Virginia enthusiast, climbing the structure of the park's Mack bobsled coaster Avalanche.

"We don't usually have too many trespassers that far into the park, and if they are there, they're usually trying to climb up the Volcano mountain," said spokeswoman Johanna Gudio. "But this fellow Supher was getting to the top of the lift hill and had some sort of little sled with him."

Supher, who took part in an exclusive ARN&R interview, said he was "just practicing the skeleton," an ice race featured in the Winter Olympics. "I've been really getting in shape and I figured with a little practice, I could maybe get on the team before the end of the Olympics."

He said that prior to the guards coming upon him, he had made it down the 200-foot course in as few as four minutes.

--GP

JCK to Acquire ARN&R

New Company to Deliver Industry-Defining Amusement Industry News, Fart Jokes

AbsolutelyReliable Towers. - February 22, 2006 -

The management of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors (NYSE:ARNR) announced today that its board had recommended a merger with JCK Industries (NASDAQ:JCFK) in an all-stock deal valued at approximately four dollars and seventy-three cents.

The combination of ARN&R and JCK will provide customers a more powerful set of solutions for understanding, exploring, and laughing at the amusement industry and its aficionados. Together, the two companies will meet a wider set of customer needs and have a significantly greater opportunity to grow into new markets, particularly in the carnival and buffet segments.

"Customers are calling for a more centralized form of amusement news satire," said GP, chief executive officer of ARN&R, who will, as of the close of the deal, retire on a generous multi-million dollar consulting agreement. "By combining our powerful plot development, joke generation, and rapid response teams - along with the complementary aspects of our podcast, retail and stalker/boycott communities - ARN&R has the opportunity to bring this vision to life with an industry-defining vision."

"The synergies are just too great to ignore," said JCK, the new CEO of the combined company. "JCK Industries has been a leading supplier and subcontractor for ARN&R since November, 2002, and once we took over the catering for the executive dining room and erotic massage facility, it was just a matter of time before we acquired the whole thing."

The deal has passed regulatory approval, despite a lawsuit filed by Citizens Action League asserting that the new entity would have an unfair advantage in the amusement news industry. Attorneys representing ARN&R and JCK Industries successfully argued that the ThrillNetwork news was sufficiently hilarious to prevent the new ARN&R from holding a monopoly on the market segment.

--GP/JCK

ARN&R 1000th Post Party a Dismal Failure

"Um, weren't you supposed to send out the invitations?"

"No, that was you."

"Oh. Uh, what about making arrangements for the simulcast?"

"Uh..."

So were some of the fateful words exchanged between staff members at ARN&R today, as it began to sink in that the massive party planned to celebrate the accomplishment of 1000 posts was a dismal failure. It turns out that no one on the staff remembered to do any of the tasks they were assigned in order to make the grandiose celebration take place. No one arranged to pick up any celebrity guests, no one sent out invitations to the public, no one signed the contracts for the Rolling Stones, no broadcast equipment was set up for the simulcast, no food was made, and rumor has it that someone even forgot to buy cocktail napkins. The grand event is widely being disparaged in the industry press as a "catastrophic failure" and "a dismal flop."

According to some reports, the staff half-heartedly poured some champagne and sat in the AbsolutelyReliable Hot Tub for a few minutes, but the combination of despair over the party blunders, combined with the fact that someone also forgot to turn the heat on in the hot tub, led to all of them shuffling home hugging themselves and crying gently.

--JCK

Our 1000th Post!

Pop the champagne and strike up the band. This post marks exactly 1000 that we've made since our inception in 2002. We rule.

This Stuff Writes Itself. No, Really.

We often declare that stories write themselves, but usually, we do a bunch of additions. Not this time. This ThrillNetwork story -- a feature story, no less, fed to Google News -- has one of the finest bits of amusement park related writing we can recall:

After riding Revolution, I walked around the park a bit and took a few photos. When walking around I found the parks last coaster, "The Dragon Wagon". They wouldn't let you on it unless you rode with a kid and since I didn’t have a kid with me, I couldn’t ride it.... Or could I? After I bugged the ride op a bit saying how "I came from Boston" and that I was in "ACE", she still wouldn't let me on. So I did something very dirty, something I had only read about online but had never done myself. Even though I didn’t even know if it would work, it was worth a try. I told the girl I’d give here a dollar if she let me ride, but I was I was then told, "I aint want ya money". Being the loser I am and showing my need to get the credit, I told her I’d give her twenty dollars, and it worked! So after I paid up, I tried to get into the train to find out I didn't fit in it so well. I ended up sitting sideways on my knees without the belt clip on and holding my backpack, but I was "in" the train and I got my ride on the Dragon Wagon!

(Incidentally, what the hell is up with Thrillnetwork's links of words like "backpack" to ads for backpacks? Can this possibly be the advertising wave of the future?)

Dick Cheney Finally Speaks

Following a severe backlash after shooting a hunting companion and initially failing to disclose the incident, Vice President Dick Cheney spoke publicly about it for the first time yesterday. In an interview with a selected group of trusted media outlets, Cheney described the horror of the incident, saying that his view of Harry Whittington falling to the ground was something he would "never get out of his mind." Cheney also stated that he had no regrets whatsoever about his actions after the fact.

He also took the opportunity to announce a new partnership with amusement park Six Flags Over Texas. Opening in 2006 at the park will be the newly themed Dick Cheney Shooting Gallery. Previously known as the Johnson Creek Livery, the gallery will allow park guests to step into the V.P.'s shoes and blast random people with buckshot.

When queried by one reporter as to whether he was worried about a possible public perception of insensitivity and exploitation due to his capitalizing on the accident for financial profit and fun, Cheney mumbled something about "liberal do-gooders," and added in a menacing tone that "everyone already knows I'm a pretty good shot, right?"

--JCK

ARN&R: A Cleansing Flush For All Your Worries

Iowa Enema Enthusiasts of the world unite! Yes, your unusual and geographically specific weirdo fetish is something we deeply and profoundly respect. Oh yes. However, we regret to inform you that we can't help you with it. Naturally, we'd love to have your runny poo all over our hands, but, tragically, we don't live anywhere near Iowa. Best to try some of those other sites you found in your search instead. Move along now.

Freaks.

--JCK