Enthusiast Planning to Get Really Into Porn During Offseason

As the amusement park season comes to an end, many enthusiasts start thinking about what to do with their free time during the following six months. Some do crafts, others travel, and still others obsessively visit coaster-oriented sites every 45 minutes hoping for an update on what program the flat rides at their home park will be running.

But Paul Fedder has decided to go in an entirely different direction: pornography.

"I figured, that's something I can obsess about even more disturbingly than I do coasters, it allows me to maintain my hours-at-a-time on the computer I'm already used to, and it'll educate me enough that I'll be a real catch once I enter the dating pool," said the seventeen-year-old Fedder, who says he's "saving himself for college girls."

Fedder has already obtained several false adult identification numbers for access to those sites that require age verification, and used his dad's credit card to obtain over five hundred dollars in PayPal funds for paying for private sites. He says he's still getting the lay of the pornographic land, but thinks that he'll gravitate towards "classic porn, just like I love the classic wooden coasters, going up and down and up and down and up and down..." His voice trailed off.

"I gotta go."

Magic Mountain to Provide Botox Injections In Line

Six Flags Magic Mountain announced yesterday that, in a new cross-promotional deal with a local plastic surgeon, Dr. Harry Thomas, the park will provide a small booth for its guests to receive Botox injections while in line for various major rides. As part of the deal, Dr. Thomas's customers at his traditional practice receive $4 coupons for admission to Six Flags.

"Our guests have always responded well to our lemonade and other in-line merchandising opportunities, and this was just another way to enhance it," said Mary Gallagher, spokeswoman for the park. "Our rides will make you scream, but your face will be entirely serene while you do so!"

If the deal goes well, Dr. Thomas is considering adding breast implants and simple facelifts to the procedures done at his booth, and Six Flags is considering expanding the program to include a full-fledged spa, complete with mud bath and full-body massage.

Launched 4-D Wooden Coaster Joke Getting Really Old

Participants in the AmusementTalk discussion group confirmed today that a member's incessant joking about a "launched 4-D wooden coaster" is really getting on their nerves.

"Sure, the first time LinkinCoaster mentioned it, it was sorta funny. Sorta. But now, any time anyone brings up any rumor of a new coaster going in anywhere -- or even a new flat ride -- he always posts something about how he heard it was going to be a launched 4-D wooden coaster," says a member who goes by CoasterElder. "Sometimes he'll elaborate on it a little bit, saying it'll have a splashdown section, or maybe a loop. But none of it makes it funny."

This is not the first time LinkinCoaster has been ostracized for running a joke into the ground. He has previously posted fifteen times within a four-day period about his claim that Shockwave at Six Flags Great America would be retracked with wooden track and enclosed.

Paramount Parks to Change Cleaning Supply and Services Vendor

In a long-rumored development, Paramount Parks announced in a letter to its season passholders that it would change the vendors for its cleaning supplies and services. Clean-U-Rite of Cleveland, Ohio, is out, and Cleanin' Stuff of Cincinnati is in.

First rumored on Screamscape and hotly debated on CoasterBuzz in a discussion that reportedly became so personal that restraining orders were required, the change is expected to be implemented shortly after the final park closing this year. The loser in the dispute, Clean-U-Rite, insists that the quality of its service will not go down during the final Halloween events: "The fake blood, the slime, and the fog residue will all be gone and the parks spotless. Even if some people in this business don't have class, we do," said Joe Frederick, company spokesman. Frederick then had a coughing fit, during which the phrase "Paramount sucks!" was clearly audible.

Bonfante Gardens To Feature Rita Rudner As In-Park Character

In an endorsement coup, Bonfante Gardens (Gilroy, California) announced today that its 2003 season would open with the near-constant presence of Rita Rudner throughout the park. Rudner, believed to be the most popular actress among amusement park goers of all ages, will both appear in person at autograph sessions and through dozens of local actors wearing eight-foot foam-rubber Rita Rudner costumes, delighting children of all ages.

In connection with the endorsement, Bonfante Gardens will retheme many of its rides, including at least one ride themed after Hollywood Squares and the new coaster, Gleaming the Cube, themed after Rudner's wildly popular 1989 record-breaking smash hit.

Rudner was reportedly in talks with Six Flags to replace the Warner Brothers characters, but Bonfante Gardens, with its $200 million annual offer, won out for her enormous drawing power.

Lakemont: "Screw History, We Want Some Money"

Altoona, Pennsylvania --- Lakemont Park, known largely for reopening the oldest still-operating coaster in the world, Leap the Dips, released a press release today entitled "Screw History, We Want Some Money." The essence of the release is that the park has decided to abandon any pretense of caring about coaster history and will be installing an all new set of rides for the 2003 season.

Reached for comment, Lakemont's spokesperson said, "Yeah, 'Leap the Dips' was great for us. We were able to collect a ton of money from the suckers, I mean enthusiasts, over at ACE. That paid for quite a few parties for the administrative staff, let me tell you. The actual restoration cost about twenty bucks. But here's some news for you -- the ride sucks! It has all the excitement of a new Corey Feldman movie and just about as much commercial potential. Oldest, schmoldest. We're going extreme."

Early plans indicate that the park will install a next-generation coaster from S&S Power as well as at least two Intamin coasters and a full complement of Huss Giant flat rides. The park will be renamed The Edge: The XXXTreme Park. Lumber from tearing down Leap the Dips is expected to be used to build dancing cages framing the new giant stage. The park is said to be in negotations with Kid Rock to open the season, and is expected to be the new regional home of Ozzfest.

Six Flags Pantses Cedar Fair

Reliable sources told ARN&R yesterday that Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. pantsed Cedar Fair Ltd. last Thursday.

"Cedar Fair was just walking along when Six Flags came up behind them and just pantsed them, right in front of IAPPA and Paramount and everybody!" said one witness who declined to be identified. "It was, like, incredible. I don't remember anything like it since all the popular parks got together and TPed Visionland. Cedar Fair is totally not going to live that down, especially the Batman underwear."

A search of news stories indicates that this is the first pantsing in the modern era of amusement parks. As for past amusement park pantsings, some historians believe that Pittsburgh's famed Luna Park once pantsed Playland in Rye, New York, but, given the constricting clothes styles of the time, that has not been confirmed. In any event, there is broad consensus that this represents the first pantsing of an entire amusement park chain.

Cedar Fair, in a press release, noted that Six Flags would have to "watch its back for when the wedgiemaster comes a-callin'."

Hershey Parks to Sell Appliances, Lumber

Hershey Parks's small chain of amusement parks announced today that it would start selling a wide selection of appliances and lumber throughout the parks. The appliances are expected to range from microwaves to full washer-dryer combinations, and the lumber selection is said to rival those of major lumber yards such as Home Depot and Lowe's.

The move has struck some as odd, but marketing director Marvin Douglas says it was an obvious niche. "We'd always thought about starting to sell big-ticket items at the parks, and our marketing research indicated that our guests spent a lot of time in line thinking about home improvements. So we expect to sell off about half of our flat rides in each of our parks and fill the space we save with an incredible number of appliances and a huge array of lumber."

No delivery or loading zones will be provided for customers. Douglas says that the parks' market research shows that their guests feel that they're more like true "do-it-your-selfers" if they are really involved in getting the lumber and appliances home.

In related news, Kennywood Parks announced that it would start selling farm equipment at its parks, focusing on cattle-feed systems.

Fiesta Texas to Improve Realism of Boardwalk Area

Six Flags Fiesta Texas has long been known as having one of the most beautiful settings of any amusement park, and its theming has been outstanding to match. But its management has always felt that its "Fiesta Bay Boardwalk" was somehow lacking. It had the boardwalk, the games, the flat rides, and a beautifully-located ferris wheel -- but it still didn't quite click, according to park manager Maria Valdez.

"And then it came to us -- it doesn't feel like a real beach boardwalk because it's too darn clean!" exclaims Valdez, clearly enthusiastic about the park's plans to revitalize the area. "So we went out to California and walked around Santa Cruz a bit. We picked up all the garbage we found there and dumped it all over that area of our park, and every day, we bus in a bunch of day laborers to urinate all around the area to add to the ambience, and they then loiter around glaring at guests -- some really get into it and mutter obscenities all day long. And after we just hinted at moving the park out of the city limits, San Antonio has allowed us to bring in crack dealers to wander the area selling our guests a high beyond that provided by our rides, with no risk of criminal liability on our part."

Future plans for "realityfying" the area (Valdez's term) include bringing in prostitutes to wander the area, the spreading of medical waste in the "beach" area, and convicted criminals operating the games.

End-of-Summer Employee of the Week Not Really All That Good

The Six Flags New England "Employee of the Week" program seemed like a great idea at the start of the summer: choose a different employee every week to praise as the best in the park. Morale would go up, visitors would see the park trying to improve service, and the employees would enjoy a $25 gift certificate to TGIFriday's.

But the park management didn't think about one problem: they don't have that many great, or even marginally good, employees. With the policy requiring no repeats, this week's winner, Charles Krisling, who works the counter at a pizza stand near Superman: Ride of Steel, is universally regarded as a barely acceptable employee at best but the best employee left at this late date.

Krisling came to SFNE at the urging of his friend, Dale Nothberg (also a food service employee at SFNE), with whom Krisling got stoned virtually every day of the school year. That tradition continued at SFNE, with frequent breaks behind a men's room roughly equidistant from each employee's work station.

Park Manager Bob Frankman, who chose Krisling for the award, explained his decision: "Krisling was on time upwards of seventy percent of the time and prepared a pizza with the correct toppings nearly eighty percent of the time. Those numbers are sufficient to avoid termination and, this late in the season, get you an employee of the week award."

Krisling termed the award "kinda cool, I guess. Friday's has those jalapeno popper things, and those things rule when you're stoned, dude. And I know the bartender at one near my house, and he won't card me."