A Special April Fool's Day Reminder From ARN&R

We at ARN&R have been made aware recently that there are websites out there in cyberland that propagate the spread of misleading and downright ridiculous rumors regarding the amusement industry. Particularly at this time of year, or, more specifically, this day of the year, newsgroups and websites tend to present a great deal of outlandish information for the sole purpose of leading honest coaster enthusiasts astray. We encourage our readers to take any information gleaned on this day with more than a grain of salt, unless of course the information comes directly from ARN&R, the only "absolutely reliable" source of honest, straight, undeniable true facts regarding your favorite and/or most loathed amusement parks and ride manufacturers.

With that in mind, ARN&R is happy to confirm the absolute veracity of the following rumors, according to our loyal spies within various park managements:

1) Magnum really is sinking into Lake Erie. The rate of sinkage is estimated to be more than a foot per year currently, meaning the ride will lose its coveted "hypercoaster" status within half a decade. Cedar Point plans to use sandbags, reroute water patterns, and eventually move the historic landmark several hundred yards inland from its present location.

2) Paramount King's Island will tear down the Vortex. Although many enthusiasts were hoping the park would do so purely out of spite, PKI actually intends to re-install The Bat, claiming that "even though it broke down for months at a time, at least it didn't induce seizures and comas."

3) Dorney Park will finally open those dueling wood standup inverted air-launched coasters we've been hearing so much about.

4) Sea World California will, for no apparent reason, construct a massive immersive ride based on the music of Gustav Mahler.

5) ARN&R will be listed for the first time as a Fortune 500 company.

6) Your Rollercoaster Magazine will appear in your mailbox this week. No, not the 2002 Summer issue. The 2003 Winter issue.

7) The trains on Six Flags World of Adventure's X-Flight will be turned to face backward for the 2003 season.

8) Disney's Magic Kingdom theme park will turn It's a Small World into a shooting gallery attraction.

9) All ACE event buffets will feature double the tonnage of gristly, dripping meats on sticks for your enjoyment. Also, there will be more gravy.

10) Hundreds of hot, intelligent, scantily-clad, single, very horny, college-aged girls, who adore coasters and their enthusiasts, will be attending each and every coaster event this coming season. Maybe even Jessica Alba, if we let her out of the Absolutelyreliable Mansion like we promised, but wished we hadn't.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Not So Enthusiastic

As this season opens for many theme parks, enthusiasts are not so enthusiastic over this year's offerings.

"Heck," states teen enthusiast Brent Bittlespoon, "the only truly exciting ride to come along is Top Thrill Dragster, and I envision lines so long one would not expect to ride the thing until late 2004."

Michael McGowen concurs, "Very few parks are offering new rides and, due to the fact my computer is still running Windows 95 and cannot accommodate RollerCoaster Tycoon, I am just too tired from masturbating to care whether Scream is a scream or not."

"I could see traveling the few extra miles to King's Dominion if they offered a new buffet-style restaurant this season," mumbled Cynthia Hogsworth, "but all they got is a new Drop Tower...How booooooring."

So many enthusiasts around the country are grumbling over the lackluster 2003 season, many parks are considering canceling the season altogether and jumping right in to the 2004 season.

"This would be fantastic!" Exclaimed ARN&Rs JCK. "It would mean the opening of such rides as DCA's Tower of Terror, just to name one."

The 2003 season was so poorly planned that Six Flags's brochures include not one smiling face among the batch. "It was difficult enough to get weary park patrons willing enough to sign over their rights just to pose for the pics, nevermind smile for them," claimed SF park representative Marlene Hamper-Tertertitio. "We just hope the opening of Six Flags New Orleans will make up for the lost profits from all our 34 other parks."

Busch Gardens' parks are going to rely on new flowers and shrubs to draw new crowds. Paramount execs will pray for a new hit film they can base an attraction on before season's end. Universal plans nothing but cutbacks. And, once again, Disney representatives had no comment.

--RAS

Tomahawk Strikes Downtown Baghdad

United States armed forces continued their assault on Iraq today by unleashing a Tomahawk on downtown Baghdad, military sources tell ARN&R. The weapon was dropped by a B-52 bomber at 9:15 this morning, Baghdad time.

"This will demoralize the Iraqi resistance and result in a swifter, more resounding victory by our coalition," stated Marine General Peter Pace. "After the shock and awe of our satellite-guided munitions, the Iraqi leadership will be further thrown into turmoil by the dread appaearance of this Huss Frisbee previously located at Six Flags New England. This ride is able to unleash tremendously destructive nausea and fear in those who come near it, and we feel certain a capitulation by the Iraqi regime will now be imminent."

Puzzled Baghdad residents studied the remains of the Tomahawk after it crashed outside a grocery store on the eastern edge of the Iraqi city. "Too bad it's all smashed up," stated Said Dar, 34. "It looks like it might have been pretty darn fun to ride this hideous implement of filthy American imperialism."

Six Flags New England management issued a terse statement that "whoever stole our new twist on an old favorite better give it back. How are our suckers...I mean customers...going to hop in and take a whirlwind spin through an African wonderland? Or do it again ... backwards? Surely the United States military could further the humiliation and terror of Iraq by dropping some Vekoma coasters on them instead. We've got plenty to spare."

--JCK

Video Rentals Causing Relationship Problems

Last night, Amanda Ross decided to get back at her boyfriend, Rob Helton, sources close to the couple report. Ross has, according to these sources, "gotten totally sick of the stupid movies Rob brings home and makes [Ross] watch all the time, just because they have roller coasters in them somewhere."

"I've reached the breaking point," Ross told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. "It started off with me being a dutiful girlfriend and trying to humor him. He was whining and bitching constantly for the last few months about how he couldn't ride any coasters, and he could only read ARN&R so many times per day without getting bored. So I suggested that we rent some videos that had roller coasters in them every week, and that way we could both spend time together, and he could see some roller coasters in action and be less grumpy all the time. I thought it was a pretty nice thing to do, since I can't stand roller coasters, but my little plan backfired. I probably should have just kicked him out of the apartment instead."

Ross went on to reveal the details of her disastrous attempt to coddle a lifelong coaster junkie. "I was even nice enough to let him pick the flicks out," she said. "Then, to my horror, I was subjected to a never-ending stream of garbage movies. First, we had to watch that horrid House on Haunted Hill, which had some neat footage of the Hulk roller coaster and tons of brain-crushingly stupid dialogue and bad special effects. Then Rob tormented me with Night at the Roxbury. Rob loved it because it had a brief shot of that dumb coaster on a pier in California. I was more concerned with the fact that I was cranially assaulted by one of the least funny movies ever made, as well as by the highly unattractive asses of Chris Katann and Will Ferrell. I also had the immense pleasure of sitting through the Sting II and some breathtaking movie involving a gorilla hopping around on a wooden roller coaster while being shot at. King Kong Gets a Woodie, or something. I forget the actual name."

The final straw, according to Ross, was with Helton's most recent choice of cinematic exploration. "I officially couldn't take it anymore after last night," she stated. "I was waffling about allowing this movie-watching to continue, but the bastard tricked me. He said he'd get a really artsy-fartsy flick instead of the Hollywood trash he'd been bringing home. He told me he knew of this little Sundance-type independent art film called The Center of the World, which featured two people exploring the nature of power and their inability to communicate functionally in today's society. Being an idiot, I caved and let him rent it. Well, for those of you out there who were not aware of this, let me be the first to tell you: The Center of the World has five minutes of Manhatten Express footage, and the rest of the movie consists entirely of Molly Parker getting f*%$*ed by a hairy guy."

Ross paused for a moment, then added, "oh wait, I forgot something. Sorry. Forgive me for not mentioning the five minutes where Molly Parker does that thing with the hot sauce and the ice cube to the hairy guy's butt. I stand corrected."

Sources tell ARN&R that Ross has devious plans for revenge against her boyfriend. According to witnesses, Ross told Helton that she would only watch coaster movies with him if she could pick them out, a statement to which he reluctantly agreed. ARN&R undercover reporters spotted Ross leaving the video store with copies of The Lost Boys and Titanic today.

"That's one brutal vendetta the young lady's got," said one bystander. "I'd hate to be him tonight."

--JCK

Enthusiasts File Suit Against Academy

In a late and shocking move, a splinter group of the American Coaster Enthusiasts filed suit today against the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences for a recent rule change in the judging of Academy Awards. The lawsuit, filed in federal district court in Los Angeles, seeks unspecified monetary damages as well as a court order requiring a new election for the recent Oscars.

"The fascists running the Academy Awards changed the rules this year to exclude any on-ride footage," stated enthusiast and attorney Joe Aldridge, representing the group. "This rule is enforced whether or not the video was obtained legitimately, and means that the Oscar voters were prevented from voting for dozens of high-quality videos produced for upwards of fifteen dollars, simply because they contained on-ride footage. It's an outrage."

Aldridge said that his clients were particularly outraged that Robb Alvey's well-known videos were not eligible for Oscar consideration. "You can bet that if Miramax was the distributor, instead of, um, Robb sitting in his garage, that rule would be changed in a second. But instead, the people of America are forced to believe that the best movies of the past year were made with things like plot, and writing, and acting, and stupid things like that. It's ridiculous. Have you seen his 2002 season video? It's awesome! I don't want to get too detailed, but that video from Puyallup Fair made me want to pull something else up, know what I mean?" Aldridge then giggled for a full thirty seconds.

Frank Pierson, president of AMPAS, told ARN&R that he was still sleeping off the Vanity Fair after-party and to go to hell.

Park Enthusiasts Participate in Peace Rally

A rare sight was viewed today by the citizens of Boston, as park enthusiasts Gary Baker, 46, and Randolph Purvis, 33, were seen attending an peace rally near Cambridge. Many societal experts believed such a scene was impossible, stating that “these coaster lovers and ride aficionados basically never seem to notice anything going on in the world beside who is building what ride for the next season.”

Baker and Purvis were seen marching for much of the afternoon amongst a large group of protestors, many of whom carried signs reading “Support Our Troops By Bringing Them Home” and “Impeach Bush.” Counter-protestors across the street waved American flags and held up signs supporting the U.S. President.

“Hey, wait a minute,” Baker was overheard to say, after standing amid the protestors for approximately three hours. “Why do these people keep talking about some place called Iraq? Is something going on there? I thought we were coming to protest the developers that forced Whalom Park to shut down.”

Added Purvis, “This is a total crock. Iraq doesn’t even have any coasters. What the hell are these people yelling about? I’m going home and have my mom make me a grilled cheese sandwich.”

“We thought it was a little weird that these two scruffy-looking middle-aged dudes were marching with us wearing ‘F&*% Gerstlauer’ T-shirts,” said protestor Annette Li, 21. “They didn’t seem to be aware of major international figures like George Bush and Saddam Hussein, but, then again, they were yelling about how huge corporations were destroying the world, so we thought there could be a slight chance that they were at the protest they thought they were. I guess we were wrong, though. And they mainly seemed mad that we weren’t offering any ERT after the march, whatever that is.”


--JCK

Protesters Plan to Picket "Anti-Americanism" at Great Escape

Several protesters from the Young Americans for Freedom, the same group that was televised pouring French wine down sewers in New York City, have taken their outrage north. This weekend they plan to picket in front of The Great Escape theme park in Lake George, New York.

The group's leader, Sam Golland, expressed his outrage to ARN&R. "I am sick and tired of theme parks supporting the countries that don't support us!" he snarled. "This park has a roller coaster collection almost full of imports."

Phil Thomas, who splits his time between activism in the American Coaster Enthusiasts, obsessively reading coaster-oriented websites, and reading the Drudge Report, apparently turned Golland on to the situation. Thomas said, "If you look at the line-up in that park you know they're not buying American. The Alpine Bobsled is Swiss, the Boomerang is Dutch, the Nightmare is German and the Comet is a Canadian import. The only ride we feel they should run is the Steamin' Demon because that was made
right here in the U.S.A."

General Manager John Collins did not know what to make of the allegations. "Wait a second," he said. "They want us to run only the Steamin' Demon, an Arrow looping coaster? They can't be serious. Is this a joke?"

In a confrontation outside the parking attendant's booth Thomas and Golland assured the park official that the group stood firm in their beliefs. Thomas said, "You are either with us or against us. Those coasters must not run so we can protect our national interest. Might as well put a Hussein Presidential Palace in Storytown." He added, "We better not see that Huss Condor or Rainbow running, either."

Park officials later told ARN&R that the protests had not made them count out buying a Reverchon flume for the 2004 season.

Six Flags Eagerly Anticipates Another Year of Losing Money

The turnstiles are spinning, the gates have opened and patrons from around the world are visiting one of over forty Six Flags theme parks near them. But this year, there is a strange excitement flowing through the halls of the corporate office in Oklahoma City; it is the anticipation of another record-breaking year. However, this corporation celebrates a unique economic principle --- they are a loss leader.

"We didn't just come to this position without some hard work and determination," said Gary Story, president and COO of Six Flags. "We strove to ensure that for another year in a row our debt has been pushed back, our overall losses grew and prospects look dim for almost every park."

General Managers around the country have gotten ready for what looks to be another disappointing season in sales. Del Holland of Six Flags Magic Mountain commented, "Well, instead of adding an attraction that would attract families, we wanted something almost identical to what we already had 15 of --- a roller coaster."

When asked by ARN&R why SFMM had not looked at a "flat ride" or "dark ride," such as the successful Scooby Doo attraction drawing guests at sister parks, Holland said, "What's a flat ride? That doesn't sound Xtreme!" He continued, "We know that sending riders upside down seven times will be like nothing they have ever done before. Unless, of course, they have ridden Viper . . . or X."

Some of the competition is surprised at Six Flags's approach to corporate management. "Frankly, we can't see where they get all this money," said Dick Kinzel, President & CEO of Cedar Fair. "They lose capital every year, yet the banks seem willing to supply them with an endless supply of cash." When asked if he had considered deficit spending Kinzel said, "Well, we would have liked to have gotten our new 25 million-dollar coaster for free, but somehow that just didn't seem possible. I guess our investors are just different from Six Flags's in that they demand a profit each year and that we pay off our long-term debt, or at least that we have some semblance of a plan, however half-baked, to be profitable. They're real sticklers like that."

Six Flags Chairman and CEO Kieran E. Burke told ARN&R about some of the exciting things the chain had up its sleeves for the coming season. "We have added special machines that create storm clouds above our parks," he said. "So, while it is sunny at Cedar Point, it will be hailing over Worlds of Adventure and if the sun shines over Disneyland you can be sure it will be raining above Magic Mountain. It is just shows that extra step Six Flags goes to to ensure that fewer people come through our gates than the competition. We chose Kentucky Kingdom and Frontier City as the ideal Six Flags properties and are molding our other parks around the cleanliness, service and staff training programs they utilize. For example, our employees will urinate on the floors of every water park restroom every morning even if patrons have not done so, and on certain 'bonus days' they'll defecate too! All of this will guarantee that Six Flags makes even less money in 2003. That's our promise to both our financial backers and customers."

Six Flags investors could not be reached for comment.

--Anon.

Enthusiast's Wife Sighs Audibly

According to reliable eyewitnesses, Lili Chenowith, 34, sighed audibly this evening. At the time, Chenowith was standing in front of her husband Nate's "Coaster Shrine," which consists of dozens of amusement park postcards, books, onboard ride photos, videos, toothpick sculptures, and merchandise from the Absolutely Reliable Online Shoppe. Confirmation as to whether the sigh was directed at the items themselves, or was in regards to something else, could not be ascertained by ARN&R. However, Chenowith was also seen shaking her head each time she passed the shrine during the afternoon, lending credence to experts' belief that the sigh is indeed a direct response to her husband's collection.

Nate Chenowith himself could not be reached for comment on the matter. According to friends, he is currently in the midst of a three week Coaster-Looking-At Tour, during which he drives to twelve different states to view coasters from the road while imaging how cool they will be to experience on his three week Coaster Riding Spectacular in June.

--JCK

ARN&R Nominated for Site of the Year, Promises to Stop Making Fun of CoasterBuzz Members

ARN&R was nominated for Site of the Year at CoasterBuzz. And you are wholeheartedly encouraged to go vote for us, but we expressly do not encourage you to, for example, clear your browser's cache and cookies after visiting so as to circumvent the voting mechanism's anti-ballot-box-stuffing provisions and be able to vote for us twice, or, worse, several dozen times, because that would be wrong. Don't do that. We certainly wouldn't suggest that we would buy a round of drinks for our entire readership if such an event occurred and we were to win the actual award.

In completely unrelated news, ARN&R has promised to stop making fun of the semiliterate participants in CoasterBuzz's forums. "Why, even if someone there -- like, say, XFan --falls for one of our stories and declares that the site is run by a couple of drunks, we're still not going to make fun," said ARN&R's Chief Insult Policy Officer. "Why, even if someone -- again, say, someone like XFan -- sends us an e-mail suggesting something along the same lines, we won't do anything like post it on the site, opening him up to repeated mockery."

The policy change has nothing to do with the nomination, according to ARN&R's Public Relations Department. Rather, said the CIPO, "We just think it's time to start being more positive. Warm fuzzies work better than cold pricklies."

Starting soon, ARN&R is expected to switch formats to nothing but amusement park employees' favorite recipes and reviews of the best amusement park souvenirs.