Golden Opportunity Wasted
Virulent despisers of ARN&R made a tremendous error Sunday, sources tell ARN&R. Apparently, the Editor-in-Chief and a longtime writer and occasional assistant editor for the blog were both viewed enjoying the rides at Six Flags New England this Sunday, yet no apparent attempts on their life were made.
“It seemed unwise for us to be seen together at a public venue, particularly an amusement park where we might be recognized by ACE and Coasterbuzz lunatics intent on ending our snippy and sarcastic ways,” said the Editor-in-Chief. “However, we bravely went forward into the pit of terror that is Six Flags New England without any bodyguards or fully automatic armaments.”
“We’re just f&$king studs to show balls like that,” added the mildly inebriated JCK. “Considering all that hate mail and the random death threats we receive, we could’ve cowered in shame, wetting our pants, but instead we hung out together and acted like coaster tools for the day. Take that, bee-yatches!”
Haters of the site are apparently livid. “Aw, crap. How did we miss sending an assassination squad after them?” asked ACE Happy Special Benevolent Friend for Life Carole Sanderson. “I’d love to work that burr out of my ass. Another time, ARN&R scum, another time….” She then cackled shrilly.
“Thouse assholes beign too stuopid I hate thems why we not findig them to get ride if?” read a statement from lawyers representing the Coaster Preservation Club and Gordon Beeferman.
Inside sources report that the sources may or may not appear together at amusement parks sometime in September. The wet work squads of the American Coaster Enthusiasts and the CPC are said to be in intense training in the case that this information proves to be true.
--JCK
Monday, August 04, 2003
Friday, August 01, 2003
Impromptu ERT Surprises, Confuses
Coaster Enthusiasts visiting Six Flags Great America this week got an unexpected ERT session on the child-sized Spacely Sprockets roller coaster.
"It was great – a group of us decided to go on for the credit, and when we pulled into the station the ride op gave us a big smile and let us go again," said Cyril J. Dogwood, known to his fellow Coasterbuzz members as "GAmTool32543." "The kids in line with their parents didn’t even look upset – they all smiled and waved at us! ACErs are finally getting the respect we deserve from the GP!"
Ride Operator Sandy Von Mincherhousen was confused when she learned that the group of men, all aged 26-35, were coaster enthusiasts. "They were all wearing safety glasses and fanny packs, and boarding the Sprockets in a big group. I suspected they were visiting from Misericordia Home, since our park does so much work with the mentally challenged. When they pulled back into the station, they were all high-fiving each other and one was even drooling a little –- I checked with some of the parents waiting with their kids and they all decided to let the ‘special’ guests get a second ride."
Miss Von Mincherhousen stands by her decision that the riders had some kind of disorder. "I watched enough of that Life Goes On show to know 'em when I see 'em."
-MMS/CSB
Coaster Enthusiasts visiting Six Flags Great America this week got an unexpected ERT session on the child-sized Spacely Sprockets roller coaster.
"It was great – a group of us decided to go on for the credit, and when we pulled into the station the ride op gave us a big smile and let us go again," said Cyril J. Dogwood, known to his fellow Coasterbuzz members as "GAmTool32543." "The kids in line with their parents didn’t even look upset – they all smiled and waved at us! ACErs are finally getting the respect we deserve from the GP!"
Ride Operator Sandy Von Mincherhousen was confused when she learned that the group of men, all aged 26-35, were coaster enthusiasts. "They were all wearing safety glasses and fanny packs, and boarding the Sprockets in a big group. I suspected they were visiting from Misericordia Home, since our park does so much work with the mentally challenged. When they pulled back into the station, they were all high-fiving each other and one was even drooling a little –- I checked with some of the parents waiting with their kids and they all decided to let the ‘special’ guests get a second ride."
Miss Von Mincherhousen stands by her decision that the riders had some kind of disorder. "I watched enough of that Life Goes On show to know 'em when I see 'em."
-MMS/CSB
Thursday, July 31, 2003
Hersheypark Announces New-for-2004 Attraction: Pony Ride
Following months, and perhaps even years, of speculation, Hersheypark appears ready to announce its new-for-2004 attraction. Although many felt that a new B&M Hypercoaster might be a possibility, later rumors and the proposed footprint seemed to indicate an Intamin Rocket Coaster. Still, no word was forthcoming until the park posted large banners indicating: “Get Ready To Start the Stampede, Something big’s coming to Hersheypark in 2004. Round up your 'pardners' - the secret’s out August 5th at High Noon.”
“That really had us excited,” said ACE member Geoff Baker, 25. “We thought a stampede theme would fit well in the existing area of the park, and the footers seemed to indicate a Rocket ride was likely. We’re just waiting for the official announcement, but we all know what the thing is, and we couldn’t be more pleased.”
Surprising Baker and pretty much every other person remotely interested in Hersheypark or roller coasters in general, it was learned today that the park would indeed not be receiving any Intamin products. Nor, for that matter, would any coaster at all be forthcoming. Instead, the park released a statement through Screamscape to this effect: “There’s a cloud of dust on the Horizon, and when it settles there’s gonna be 10 wild horses in the corral!”
At a press conference later in the day, former VP of Operations Franklin Shearer was trotted out to lend his excitement to the official announcement, and to explain the Screamscape blurb. “We’ve got a real thrill for all you cowboys and cowgirls next year,” he exclaimed. “Get ready to experience the extreme terror and thrills of a real live…Pony Ride!”
Confused enthusiasts initially thought Shearer meant to make a joke, but it turned out to be completely factual. According to the park, guests will wait in a “highly themed atmosphere” while in line, then individual riders will be led into the pony corral. From there, “the Rodeo Technicians will help the rider mount a pony, which will then be led around in a few circles inside the pen, achieving top speeds of over 4 miles per hour.” Guests will then have a wide variety of gift shop products available to commemorate their once-in-lifetime thrill experience: cowboy hats (“management not responsible for the loss of headgear not secured before riding”), T-shirts, onboard ride photos, and cruel leather whips.
Shearer noted that a big launched coaster would be out of place at a family-friendly ride environment such as Hershey’s, and that a fun attraction for the entire family made more sense for everyone involved. He also pointed out that “ponies break down a lot less than Top Thrill Dragster.”
ACE members are already complaining about capacity, with some wondering aloud at the press conference whether 10 of the animals would be enough to keep the potentially huge lines moving. One member pointedly asked Shearer whether there would be any Fifth-Row Ponies made available for “Guests of Larger Than Average Size,” to which Shearer replied that “someone would look into it at some point.”
--JCK
Following months, and perhaps even years, of speculation, Hersheypark appears ready to announce its new-for-2004 attraction. Although many felt that a new B&M Hypercoaster might be a possibility, later rumors and the proposed footprint seemed to indicate an Intamin Rocket Coaster. Still, no word was forthcoming until the park posted large banners indicating: “Get Ready To Start the Stampede, Something big’s coming to Hersheypark in 2004. Round up your 'pardners' - the secret’s out August 5th at High Noon.”
“That really had us excited,” said ACE member Geoff Baker, 25. “We thought a stampede theme would fit well in the existing area of the park, and the footers seemed to indicate a Rocket ride was likely. We’re just waiting for the official announcement, but we all know what the thing is, and we couldn’t be more pleased.”
Surprising Baker and pretty much every other person remotely interested in Hersheypark or roller coasters in general, it was learned today that the park would indeed not be receiving any Intamin products. Nor, for that matter, would any coaster at all be forthcoming. Instead, the park released a statement through Screamscape to this effect: “There’s a cloud of dust on the Horizon, and when it settles there’s gonna be 10 wild horses in the corral!”
At a press conference later in the day, former VP of Operations Franklin Shearer was trotted out to lend his excitement to the official announcement, and to explain the Screamscape blurb. “We’ve got a real thrill for all you cowboys and cowgirls next year,” he exclaimed. “Get ready to experience the extreme terror and thrills of a real live…Pony Ride!”
Confused enthusiasts initially thought Shearer meant to make a joke, but it turned out to be completely factual. According to the park, guests will wait in a “highly themed atmosphere” while in line, then individual riders will be led into the pony corral. From there, “the Rodeo Technicians will help the rider mount a pony, which will then be led around in a few circles inside the pen, achieving top speeds of over 4 miles per hour.” Guests will then have a wide variety of gift shop products available to commemorate their once-in-lifetime thrill experience: cowboy hats (“management not responsible for the loss of headgear not secured before riding”), T-shirts, onboard ride photos, and cruel leather whips.
Shearer noted that a big launched coaster would be out of place at a family-friendly ride environment such as Hershey’s, and that a fun attraction for the entire family made more sense for everyone involved. He also pointed out that “ponies break down a lot less than Top Thrill Dragster.”
ACE members are already complaining about capacity, with some wondering aloud at the press conference whether 10 of the animals would be enough to keep the potentially huge lines moving. One member pointedly asked Shearer whether there would be any Fifth-Row Ponies made available for “Guests of Larger Than Average Size,” to which Shearer replied that “someone would look into it at some point.”
--JCK
Wednesday, July 30, 2003
Breaking News -- Six Flags Reports Zero Malfunctions On Coasters, Public Shocked
Earlier this morning, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. reported that on Tuesday, July 29th, none of their roller coasters malfunctioned throughout the whole day at any of their theme parks anywhere in the entire world. The general public as well as Six Flags management were understandably very shocked by this unexpected, almost unbelievable, announcement. The SEC immediately announced an investigation into what it termed potential attempts at stock manipulation.
"No trains got stuck upside down. No guests were trapped in ridiculously uncomfortable positions for several hours on a lift hill in the boiling summer heat. No wheels or lap bars came flying off of any coasters in mid-course. Heck, we didn't even have any loose bolts fall off of any coasters and smack any guests on the head. It was actually a very, very boring day," explained Six Flags COO, Gary Story.
Concerned that a lack of high profile roller coaster related malfunctions could considerably reduce the park chain's significant summer media exposure, park management issued a memo to all of their ride operators and park maintenance workers instructing them to "if at all possible, slack off even more than you usually do" and also to "stop paying so much attention to manufacturers' suggested maintenance procedures for roller coasters since they are really only suggestions anyway." Six Flags will also begin distributing cases of beer to ride operators at the start of each shift to facilitate their "relaxation."
In a further effort to increase the probability of newsworthy monumental mishaps, Six Flags quickly ordered seven new Vekoma giant inverted boomerang coasters, four Intamin hydraulically launched coasters, three Premier Rides LIM/LSM shuttle coasters and two S&S/Arrow 4-D coasters for immediate installation at selected Six Flags parks worldwide. The installations will be handled by thirteen-year-olds with severely reduced attention spans.
--JWS
Earlier this morning, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. reported that on Tuesday, July 29th, none of their roller coasters malfunctioned throughout the whole day at any of their theme parks anywhere in the entire world. The general public as well as Six Flags management were understandably very shocked by this unexpected, almost unbelievable, announcement. The SEC immediately announced an investigation into what it termed potential attempts at stock manipulation.
"No trains got stuck upside down. No guests were trapped in ridiculously uncomfortable positions for several hours on a lift hill in the boiling summer heat. No wheels or lap bars came flying off of any coasters in mid-course. Heck, we didn't even have any loose bolts fall off of any coasters and smack any guests on the head. It was actually a very, very boring day," explained Six Flags COO, Gary Story.
Concerned that a lack of high profile roller coaster related malfunctions could considerably reduce the park chain's significant summer media exposure, park management issued a memo to all of their ride operators and park maintenance workers instructing them to "if at all possible, slack off even more than you usually do" and also to "stop paying so much attention to manufacturers' suggested maintenance procedures for roller coasters since they are really only suggestions anyway." Six Flags will also begin distributing cases of beer to ride operators at the start of each shift to facilitate their "relaxation."
In a further effort to increase the probability of newsworthy monumental mishaps, Six Flags quickly ordered seven new Vekoma giant inverted boomerang coasters, four Intamin hydraulically launched coasters, three Premier Rides LIM/LSM shuttle coasters and two S&S/Arrow 4-D coasters for immediate installation at selected Six Flags parks worldwide. The installations will be handled by thirteen-year-olds with severely reduced attention spans.
--JWS
Hollywood Squares to Tape Episodes at Next CoasterCon
Producers of syndicated game show Hollywood Squares announced today that they would record a week's worth of episodes at the next CoasterCon event of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. According to spokeswoman Emily Rankin, the opportunity was too good to pass up.
"You've got fifth-rate celebrities like Timothy Bottoms hanging around these things," said Rankin. "And the crowds eat it up. I suppose for the next one they'll probably get what's-his-name, that dude who was in that really lame movie Thrill back in the '90s...you know, that guy. Sabato...Antonio Sabato Jr., that's it! Yeah, he's had a great career. Can't wait to hear what he has to say about amusement parks."
Rankin said that she was hoping that the show could perhaps book Fabio and Walter Bolliger on the same show, along with Rob Estes (of Melrose Place, reportedly temping as a large chicken character outside a Popeye's Chicken in Indianapolis) dressed up as a large goose. "And maybe Lonny Stevens -- you know, federal agent number one from Rollercoaster -- can show up too!" she added, giggling.
Producers of syndicated game show Hollywood Squares announced today that they would record a week's worth of episodes at the next CoasterCon event of the American Coaster Enthusiasts. According to spokeswoman Emily Rankin, the opportunity was too good to pass up.
"You've got fifth-rate celebrities like Timothy Bottoms hanging around these things," said Rankin. "And the crowds eat it up. I suppose for the next one they'll probably get what's-his-name, that dude who was in that really lame movie Thrill back in the '90s...you know, that guy. Sabato...Antonio Sabato Jr., that's it! Yeah, he's had a great career. Can't wait to hear what he has to say about amusement parks."
Rankin said that she was hoping that the show could perhaps book Fabio and Walter Bolliger on the same show, along with Rob Estes (of Melrose Place, reportedly temping as a large chicken character outside a Popeye's Chicken in Indianapolis) dressed up as a large goose. "And maybe Lonny Stevens -- you know, federal agent number one from Rollercoaster -- can show up too!" she added, giggling.
Tuesday, July 29, 2003
Satan: Hellevator "Just Like Real Elevators in Hell"
In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."
"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."
Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."
He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."
Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
In an exclusive interview arranged for ARN&R by Six Flags's public relations department, Satan shared his views of Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom's drop ride, "Hellevator."
"It's an exciting experience," said the horned one as plumes of smoke billowed around him. "It is very much like riding the elevators in Hell. It is most like the Prudential Death Insurance Building in downtown Hades City, where you are slowly carried up to the top floors and, if you do not get off in the claims adjustment department, you are dropped rapidly to the bottom of the building."
Beezelbub also noted that the Hellevator at SFKK had similar restraints to the elevators in Hell. "I've never quite known why, but our building codes down there require over-the-shoulder restraints for even the mildest of elevators. I guess I understand it for the Prudential Death Insurance Building's elevator, what with the 50-plus miles per hour drop, but most of our elevators are incredibly slow, and yet they require a lengthy boarding process with careful checking of your restraints."
He noted some differences between SFKK's thrill ride and the elevators in Hell. "Well, you know, it is Hell, so we have to do something different. The operators of Hell's elevators generally plunge a corkscrew into your ears prior to releasing the elevator to lift you to your destination. I understand that happens relatively rarely at Kentucky Kingdom, although they do have a much higher incidence of finding tobacco juice on the ride's seats than we do. That stuff's nasty."
Intamin AG, the designer and builder of SFKK's ride, expressed pride at the devil's endorsement. "We used a seance to research elevators in Hell, and we're pleased to know that our detailed analysis paid off. And we're thinking about incorporating that corkscrew idea."
Sunday, July 27, 2003
Coaster Enthusiasts Witness Most Disgusting Thing Ever
Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.
Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.
His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."
Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."
While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."
The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.
--JCK
Two members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts yesterday witnessed the single most repulsive thing ever in the history of the human race, sources tell ARN&R. According to eyewitnesses, a man...or perhaps a Cro-Magnon relic or Orc...attempting to board the Gwazi Lion at Busch Gardens Tampa is indeed the pinnacle of yuckitude produced as of yet on this planet.
Said ACE member James Langenkirk, 31, "Darren and I were just minding our own business, wallowing and festering in the 110-degree, 98-percent humidity of the Gwazi Lion line, waiting for the world's slowest ride ops to leisurely check each belt, then leisurely check each bar, then leisurely go have a nice dinner and take a nice big dump, then leisurely wander over to dispatch the trains, when I saw the most horrible thing I've ever witnessed. And I grew up in rural Alabama, so, trust me, I am damn well qualified to speak on horrible things. This...person...came in and..." Here Langenkirk waved his hands in the air, unable to find the words to fully describe the suffering and terror he endured.
His traveling companion Darren Carson, 52, then chimed in. "James alerted me to the unholy monstrosity, and I wish to God he hadn't. We looked over and there was this 350-pound guy with long, stringy, greasy hair and scabby arms and open, weeping sores on his mouth trying to ooze his Orca-like bulk into the Lion train. It was all I could do not to gag right then and there, but then James pointed out his T-shirt, which said 'PETTING ZOO' and had a huge arrow pointing down at his crotch. Oh, the humanity."
Carson added, "excuse me, but I need to run to those bushes over there. Just talking about it is gonna make me puke."
While Carson was busy with his copious vomiting, Langenkirk told ARN&R that his friend had "screamed like a little girl" in terror when he saw the T-shirt, and it had taken paramedics fourteen minutes to revive him with smelling salts and intravenous fluids after he passed out. Carson refused to confirm or deny these statements, claiming that he "sort of blanked most of the day out after it happened."
The disgusting guy on Gwazi Lion told ARN&R that he planned to arrive at the park the next day with a T-shirt that says "How about a 68 position? That means you do me and I owe you 1!" Upon overhearing this unfortunate news, Carson resumed his explosive ralphing.
--JCK
Intamin In Negotiations To Purchase Kia Motors
Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.
Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:
"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."
Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.
Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.
--JWS
Swiss thrill ride manufacturer, Intamin AG, has recently been negotiating with Hyundai Motors to purchase Korean automobile manufacturer, Kia Motors, a subsidiary of Hyundai. Intamin hopes to acquire Kia in order to diversify their product portfolio, which currently includes roller coasters, water rides, spinning flat rides and an electronics department dedicated to supplying, configuring and servicing the control systems that operate those rides. Intamin also hopes that sharing technologies between the two companies will help both companies to grow exponentially into bigger, even more successful, corporations.
Here is what Sandor Kernacs, president of Intamin, had to say to ARN&R about Intamin's proposed acquisition during a recent exclusive interview:
"We don't want all of Intamin's chickens to be in one cradle. In this day and age, heterogeneity is the key to success and prosperity. We here at Intamin truly believe that diversifying our product offerings and adding commodities with proven records of high quality and extreme reliability to our portfolio will only enhance our presence in the world marketplace. It's clearly a win-win situation for Intamin and for Kia."
Kernacs went on to discuss some striking similarities between the two successful companies. He keenly noted how any major new Intamin roller coaster installation is just as reliable as any brand new Kia automobile. He also noted that the technology and parts used to manufacture an automatic transmission for a Kia Spectra are exactly the same parts that were used to construct the hydraulic launch mechanism for Intamin's Top Thrill Dragster roller coaster at Cedar Point. Kernacs further noted that all of both companies' products come with a ten year/100,000 mile bumper-to-bumper warranty and three year/36,000 mile unlimited roadside assistance. Finally, Kernacs very astutely pointed out that the only two vowels in Kia are 'i' and 'a', and the only two vowels in Intamin are 'i' and 'a'.
Intamin expects to make a formal offer for Kia Motors within the next several weeks. In the meantime, in order to avoid having "all of Intamin's chickens in one cradle," the company is exploring other tantalizing takeover opportunities including plans to purchase telecommunications giant, MCI/Worldcom and Major League Baseball team, The Detroit Tigers, both proven winners according to Kernacs.
--JWS
Friday, July 25, 2003
Enthusiast Disease Discovered, Named
The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.
Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.
"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.
"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.
Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."
--MMS
The Journal of the American Medical Association published the results of a study that identifies and, for the first time, names a newly-discovered disease afflicting many in the coaster enthusiast community.
Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III of the Mayo Clinic has studied social disorders for the past several years, doing much of his field studies at ACE events.
"Font of Useless Knowledge Syndrome," or "FUKS," is a disease that strikes certain areas of the population, rendering them socially intolerable.
"What we have here is a classic case of someone knowing so many details about a trivial matter that they cannot cope with normal people not knowing what they consider obvious facts." explains Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III. "The advent of the Internet seems to have allowed this syndrome to thrive." Symptoms include acne, pale skin, and the inability to spell the word 'definitely.' FUKS severely hampers social skills in its victims, rendering them incapable of basic social graces such as introducing themselves with real names, shaking hands without drooling, and speaking without using acronyms repeatedly in their sentences.
Dr. Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III has developed a six-week treatment program to counteract this terrible affliction. "First, we encourage our patients to engage in conversations about things like the weather. We deny them Internet access and forbid message board and instant-messaging capability. A remedial dating class, successful in treating developmentally challenged people, has proved successful in treating FUKS sufferers as well. Our ultimate goal, of course, is to see that these people get a f*cking life."
--MMS
Wednesday, July 23, 2003
Dutch Wonderland Outed
Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."
However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.
"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.
ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."
Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."
Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.
In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."
--JWS
Dutch Wonderland Family Amusement Park located near Lancaster, Pennsylvania was officially outed yesterday on the E! Entertainment Television Web site. It has been rumored for years that the park might be hiding its true sexual orientation in order to maintain its family image, but the park has continuously denied these accusations and insisted that it is really "just very happy, but definitely not gay."
However, when E! reporters spotted Dutch Wonderland recently, at a Cher concert, holding hands with The Enchanted Forest (of Turner, Oregon) and singing I Got You Babe as the two parks gazed lovingly into each other's eyes, there was no denying that Dutch Wonderland is, in fact, very very gay. Upon being confronted by E! reporters, Dutch Wonderland immediately burst into tears and ran out of the concert without even waiting for the encore, which any Cher fan will tell you, is the most fab part of the show and absolutely should not be missed no matter what.
"He ran straight to his fuchsia colored convertible Volkswagen Beetle screaming all the way in a very lispy voice 'I just want to be happy, oh please just let me be happy,'" a witness said.
ACE member, Barney Kugler, was not at all surprised by the park's recent outing. "I've been posting for years to every rollercoaster and amusement park newsgroup that I could find that Dutch Wonderland is the gayest park I've ever been to," said Barney. "I mean, come on, it has a roller coaster named 'Sky Princess' and a boat ride named 'The Lady Gay River Boat.' How much more proof do you need? Oh yeah, Cedar Point and Magic Mountain are way gay too."
Park guest, Sandy Maplethorpe, also sensed something was a little swishy with Dutch Wonderland during a recent visit to the park. "Of course I had my suspicions," said Sandy. "The park is just packed full of 'fairy' tale characters and its mascots are a 'fairy' princess and a purple dragon, for crying out loud. A purple dragon? You can't get much gayer than that."
Dutch Wonderland could not immediately be reached for comment, but the park's mother, Hersheypark, issued a statement begging the public not to rush to judgment against her son. "He's such a sweet boy. So what if he's just a little bit gay? It's probably just a phase he's going through, or maybe he was just experimenting. Please, just wait until you have all of the facts before you condemn my sweet sweet boy," pleaded Mrs. Hersheypark.
In related news, nineteen-year-old Phish fan Ben Connolly of St. Paul, Minnesota, stated that "Valleyfair was totally baked when they designed that new coaster, dude."
--JWS
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