X Declared Art

Six Flags Magic Mountain has proudly announced that its revolutionary roller coaster, X, has been designated a work of art by the National Foundation for the Humanities.

Vladimir Glasnow, spokesman for the NFH, said the decision was an easy one for the renowned organization to make. "We have several criteria we apply to objects that we are considering," he said. "First, it must be revolutionary. This gravity device certainly is that. Second, it must have tremendous visual impact. Naturally, anyone who has seen the remarkable color scheme of this device and its innovative use of curvilinear patterns will agree that there is nothing in the world quite like it. Thirdly, a work of art must bring the viewer closer to a sense of spirituality. Certainly, everyone who had ridden this device has claimed to have experienced nirvana."

Kieran Burke, President of Six Flags Corporation, was clearly pleased with the designation. "Six Flags prides itself on innovation. We are honored that such a distinguished organization has recognized our leadership in providing a quality experience for our guests."

This is the first time an amusement device has been declared a work of art. Alan Schilke, the designer of the ride that was built by S & S Power, Inc., of Logan, Utah, remarked, "We in the industry have known all along that there is an inherent beauty in any well-designed ride. Since X is probably the only thing I will ever be known for in my life, I'm glad that my genius has been acknowledged."

Melanie Craft, a longtime member of the American Coaster Enthusiasts, the largest roller coaster group in the world, was extremely pleased. "ACE worked long and hard to bring this coaster to the attention of the NFH. Maintenance costs have been so high that we were afraid the ride would be torn down. Since it doesn't operate too often, many ACErs would never get a chance to ride it. By having it designated a work of art, Six Flags can know that there's enormous value in having hundreds of tons of gorgeous pink and yellow iron just sitting there quietly for people to admire."

The NFH has recommended that a full-scale replica of the ride be housed in the Smithsonian Institute. Six Flags Magic Mountain generously offered to give the Smithsonian its actual ride, if the museum would pay for the dismantling and transport.

"This is an extremely generous offer," said the Institute's marketing director Beryl Handy. "However, due to space restrictions we probably could only take one of the trains that they never use."

When asked whether any other amusement rides might be considered for recognition by the NFH, Glasnow responded, "X is an exception, certainly unique in the world. But we wouldn't rule it out." Craft had her own nomination: "Chance Toboggan's are dope! The sinuous trackage and the retro-50s look make them a shoe-in!"

--JRD

Why Do You Hate My Eyes?

Yes, it's Site O' the Weak time again, kiddies. And this week we celebrate Anthony's Wildwood Boardwalk Super Site. Before viewing this website, be sure you know exactly where everything is in your house or apartment, because your eyes will completely shut down and refuse to process any information for a good three hours upon witnessing this site, just to spite you for your insolence.

We're pretty sure that a front page written in lime green, with blinky yellow things separating sections of text, is a really bad idea. We're also fairly certain that most people would frown upon the monstrous combination of green and blue text over black background and graphics to the left side of the page. And also the abundance of flashing, glowing, and rotating items. And, heck, maybe even the "Midway Pier" section written in blood red over a vibrant magenta background. But maybe not...it is a "SUPER" site, after all.

Alert readers with no fear of retinal scarring will note the following instructions: "Please do not copy, or use the photos or graphics from this site!" No worries, mate. No worries.

--JCK

Six Flags Corporation Enters Deal with Homeland Security

In an unprecedented move, Six Flags Corporation has announced an exclusive contract with the United States government, specifically the Department of Homeland Security, to take charge of the detainees at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba. In recent months U.S. relations with the tiny communist country have been strained, and the military had been looking for another place to house the suspected terrorists.

Six Flags came to the rescue yesterday by announcing that it would house all of the nearly 600 detainees at Six Flags America in Largo, Maryland. "We figured with the government trying to privatize everything from transportation to education, the time was ripe for one of America's most prominent business to help in the war on terrorism," said the park's Operations Manager Jeremiah Charmichael. "We have the perfect setting right here for detaining people indefinitely."

More impressive is that the park will remain open to the public during the normal season. "This should be a great opportunity to increase Park throughput," Charmichael claimed. "We'll have the detainees caged on a platform near our popular Superman roller coaster. Our guests will be encouraged to show their true American colors by jeering at the helpless prisoners, hurling insults and spitting upon them." Charmichael smiled. "There's nothing more American than inflicting misery onto others. Six Flags prides itself in being a world leader in this area."

To insure that neighboring communities are safe from any security threat, Charmichael said that the corporation will need only a modest investment in razor wire to surround the park grounds. S&S Power, Inc., has been contracted to build four observation towers where specially trained Six Flags security officers will stand guard with high-powered rifles.

"We want to stress," continued Charmichael, "that guests will continue to experience the same quality and safe Six Flags experience that they've come to expect at our park."

After the park has closed to the public, government agents will arrive to resume interrogating the detainees. "Some of their methods have not been as effective as they would have liked," stated Charmichael, referring to the agents. "We here at Six Flags America are in a unique position to offer serious persuasion to the detainees."

Uncooperative detainees will be able to experience the park's Mind Eraser for twelve hours non-stop. Other persuasion devices at the park include the Rodeo, Riddle Me This and the Octopus. "The possibilities are endless!" said a beaming Charmichael.

"Can you imagine what progress we'd make on the war on terror if we placed a detainee on Two Face for hours on end sitting opposite two ACE members who just had an all-you-can-eat buffet? I'm no military expert, but I'd say we'd have this war on terror licked in no time!" Additionally, the detainees will not be allowed to purchase Fast Passes to board the rides.

"They'll have to wait in line like everyone else. The two-hour queues will give them time to think about their actions and repent the error of their ways."

For its contribution, Six Flags Corporation will be eligible to receive matching government funds to assist in its ride relocation programs.

"It's a win-win situation all around," Charmichael proclaimed. "The United States asserts its status as a world leader in the fight against terrorism, and Six Flags continues its proud tradition of providing unique guest experiences."

--JRD

Special Holiday Rerun

There might be plenty of updates over the next two or three days here, but considering the strong possibility of certain ARN&R editors being in Mississippi and certain other ones spending most of the rest of the week either intoxicated or in the midst of a savage food coma, we figured we'd give you a special rerun just in case.

Enthusiast Has Wretched Holiday

According to self-described “coasterholic” Pete Brody, 28, his Thanksgiving holiday with his family was “a complete waste.” The jobless member of ACE, Coaster Zombies, and nearly a dozen online coaster clubs, failed “miserably” in his efforts to direct the Thanksgiving conversation to amusement parks and roller coasters.

“You’d think we might talk about something interesting when the whole fam gets together,” whined Brody. “I even did some things to stimulate conversation about my interests, like leaving the computer’s browser on Thrillnetwork, wearing my European Coaster Odyssey t-shirt to dinner, and leaving 20 or 30 onboard coaster photos lying around, but it didn’t work.”

Brody was most upset that his family seemed more interested in the “stupid crap” that his siblings had been involved in. His older brother Michael is an advertising executive who recently became engaged to an Olympic gymnast, his sister Cynthia placed second in the Van Cliburn Piano Competition, and his other sister Marcia just returned from a two-year Peace Corps mission helping to provide medical care for disease-ravaged Ugandans.

“I do important things, too,” declared Brody. “I mean, I rode my 242nd coaster on the Coaster Odyssey…a really good SLC. I make lots of important posts to ThemeParkCritic.com that everyone says are really good. I send off a job application a couple times a year, mostly to S&S and Intamin for design positions. And I came all the way here just to be with my family, so you’d think they could notice me,” the exasperated enthusiast stated, waving his hand toward the basement steps in his parents’ house, which he had successfully negotiated all the way from his well-worn mattress up to the first floor.

“Did anyone care what I think about CCI shutting down? Did anyone ask about my top ten suspended coasters? Did a single family member inquire whether I’d enjoy modeling my newly monogrammed ACE jacket for them? No, no, and no. We have to go on for hours about piano recitals and wedding arrangements. And especially Marcia’s dumb thing in Africa. There aren’t even any coasters in Africa! But Marcia’s always been their favorite, the little goody two shoes. It’s not fair.”

“Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!” Brody added in a hysterical wail.

--JCK

You Got to our Website HOW????!?!?!?!?!?

As our loyal reader knows by now, we have a great time checking our stat logs to see how people blundered into actually viewing ARN&R (generally it's because they were searching for something to whack off to, be it naked starlets or Top Thrill Dragster photographs). Amongst the rather standard fare, we found two examples today that were particularly stunning:

-One person located us yesterday by asking Jeeves about "Jessica Alba dissociative disorder," whatever the heck that is. Is this some bizarre new psychological condition? Is it catching? Most importantly, does it involve Jessica Alba parading around in our apartment naked?

-As you may be aware, we're quite popular with people searching for "Paris Hilton crotch" on the internet, but who would have thought we'd manage to get hits from people who want to see Paris Hilton's crotch, but can't even spell her name right. Well, we don't judge people here. All of you people with questionable taste, and even you people with questionable taste who can't spell "Hilton" correctly are welcome here at ARN&R!

--JCK

A Little Hiatus, Maybe

A couple of us are heading off to the nether regions (read: Mississippi and the like), so we may be updating a bit less often. We are certain this will cause much gnashing of teeth, but we assure you: you will get through it.

But hopefully, some IAAPA updates will be coming soon, if our exclusive IAAPA correspondent manages to awaken from the drunken revelry we presume is occurring.

Michael Jackson Spotted at California Amusement Park

Sources exclusive to ARN&R have confirmed a Michael Jackson sighting Wednesday at Pixieland Amusement Park in Concord, CA. According to eyewitnesses, Jackson looked disoriented as he wandered around the Frog Hopper, asking various guests if they knew where he could find someone named Randy.

Park security was notified of Jackson’s presence and stepped in immediately to get the King of Pop away from any small boys. Jackson created a distraction by pulling off his nose, and then escaped.

Our sources think that Jackson confused the Pixieland theme park, a wonderful place for children of all ages, with Pixyland, a website operated by Randy Constan, an adult male who enjoys dressing as Peter Pan.

The California Sheriff’s Office has been notified and the ‘man’ hunt still continues as of press time.

--MMS

ARN&R Editor Incredibly Lame

ARN&R's Editor in Chief and Supreme Naval Commander recently recognized the truth: he's incredibly lame.

The insight came on a business trip to Cincinnati. While paging through the hotel's tourist guide, he came across a sidebar advertising Paramount's Kings Island. Rather than continuing to page through the glossy magazine, perhaps finding a gallery to visit or an historic house to explore, he spent a full minute in alternating shock and amusement in response to the use of a photograph of the suspended coaster Top Gun to advertise the park.

"Ha!" he exclaimed, incredibly lamely. "Those fools! How can they expect to get people to come to the park using a photograph of an Arrow suspended coaster!" Adding to his utter lameness, he continued: "Even Son of Beast would be a better draw -- and Face Off and Racer each have much better visuals for an advertisement!"

He then shook his head with a slight and lame giggle. He did, however, somehow manage to resist making an incredibly lame joke about the photograph to his colleagues in meetings the next day.

Hersheypark to Promote New, Healthy Image for 2004

The Hershey Entertainment Group announced at a press conference yesterday afternoon that 2004 will not only be a big season for new attractions, but will be the first year for an entirely new image for Hersheypark.

Citing concerns about the quality of Americans' health, especially those in Central Pennsylvania, a committee of fully trained and highly experienced consultants hired by Hersheypark encouraged park and corporate management to make some drastic changes to the park's environment and image for next season.

"We don't want to be responsible for any bad habits that park guests pick up," said consultant Bob Slidel at the press conference. "Obesity in America is a chronic disease and we want to do our part to prevent it. That is why we are suggesting some big and spectacular changes to management to, hopefully, encourage park guests to slim down and keep healthy habits such as a good diet, hand washing, exercise, and regular bathing." Slidel's final statement resulted in low-level violence by ACErs in attendance, who were easily restrained by security guards.

Some of the changes that Mr. Slidel outlined at the press conference include:

* The name of the park will be changed from HersheyPark to HealthyPark to encourage a healthy lifestyle.

* No chocolate will be sold in the park to anyone over 250 pounds. Weight must be verified at the park entrance and printed on a wrist band that must be worn at all times.

* The Kissing Tower will be renamed the Protected Intercourse tower to promote safe sex and hopefully discourage the nasty, disgusting act known as kissing.

* The Hershey Chocolate World attraction outside the park will be rethemed and reopen as Healthypark Soy World promoting the countless and limitless use of soy and soy byproducts in everyday life. There will also be isoflavones.

* All park guests will be required to wash their hands before, after, and while using the restoom. Armed guards will be posted at each and every restroom exit.

* Gravy will no longer be served in the park except for during coaster enthusiast events. Only guests with valid ACE membership cards will be allowed to purchase gravy during these times.

We here at ARN&R applaud the changes at Hersheypark and we wish them the best of luck in changing the world.

--WCT

ACErs Warned to be on Best Behavior at IAAPA by Club Officials

IAAPA is almost here again, and, unfortunately, random coaster enthusiasts are certain to show up. Wacky hijinks are sure to ensue as the ordinary rabble clashed with Executive Committee members at the ACE booth on the showroom floor! Thank goodness someone is out there to start a rec.roller-coaster thread reminding ACE members to show up wearing something other than a Beast thong, flip-flops, and a coaster shirt with yellow armpit stains. Check out the hot enthusiast bickering action here!

If your sanity can survive a few pages of this stuff, then you too can also learn that Jesus was perfect!

--CSB/JCK/and Introducing Very Special Guest Star MMS as "MMS"