Enthusiasts Greet Announcement of Impending Destruction of Miracle Strip With Praise for Shitty Chain Restaurants
Yet another small, family-owned amusement park will be forever lost in the near future, as it was recently announced that Miracle Strip Amusement Park, home of the underappreciated wood coaster gem Starliner, would be sold to land developers, effective following the 2004 season. The park has one year to remove all attractions from the property, meaning that visitors have only this season, and possibly not all of it, to experience the wonders of the park, a clean, bright, fun oasis amongst what experts call "the ugliest open weeping pustule of a filthy cesspool," Redneck Riviera Capitol Panama City.
"We'll be turning the place into something useful," said the developer's attorney, Harry Dick. "Our research has indicated that Americans don't really enjoy the thrill of a unique little amusement park. Visiting a place with free parking and inexpensive tickets is just plain dumb, plus it's really stupid to ride a fun old wooden coaster at night, with neon flashing and warm, salty air blowing gently through your hair. No, in this country people would much prefer some nice cookie-cutter condos or a Taco Bell instead. We're just catering to you stupid f**ks, you know, since you have no taste. And, of course, we're making tons of money and making every square inch of America look exactly alike." Dick then laughed menacingly while absentmindedly plucking at his small, emaciated scrotum.
Lovers of the traditional park held out hope despite the announcement, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts and other coaster fan groups had not yet spoken on the matter. Since one of the main reasons ACE was formed was to protect and laud classic wood coasters, and that mission is a major portion of the current ACE manifesto, and since other groups have also stated a desire to protect endangered coaster landmarks, most observers were certain a major concerted protest action would be forthcoming within a matter of minutes.
The major concerted protest effort has now been undertaken. Coaster enthusiasts have risen up to declare their strong opinions concerning the unfortunte closure of another great traditional park. And that opinion is this: "We like Red Lobster."
Initially, it seemed as if enthusiasts would unite to support the old park and shake their collective fists at greedy agents of the Fast Food Nation, for the announcement of the impending sale of Miracle Strip started off by provoking anger at rec.roller-coaster. Kip Ross referenced the original article, Shawn Mamros decried the closure, and ACE Preservation Director Matt Crowther eloquently wrote of America's losing its soul to corporate culture. However, these three members of the forum were obviously not speaking for the majority of their compatriots, as nearly the entire remainder of the thread became a forum for cretins and imbeciles to laud the tepid, overcooked, frozen and processed grub at Red Lobster and Olive Garden, and to discuss how local, family-owned restaurants suck and chains rule.
"I hate independents, because all the ones I've been too didn't meet my requirements for portion size," noted one enthusiast. "I really think a bland, microwaved simulacrum of actual seafood is considerably better than going to some jackoff local seafood place that just caught whatever fresh food I'm being served. By the way, I also enjoy eating six meals every day at fast food places because only a few thousand already-dead bovines loaded with E-Coli and Mad Cow get sent into the supply I'm eating, and only a few dozen dollar-an-hour migrant workers fell into the chopping machines after working twenty straight hours!"
"By the way," the enthusiast added, "I forgot for a second that my opinions are astoundingly stupid, so it's pretty unlikely I'd actually have any idea what 'simulacrum' means. Forget I said that. Actually, I just said 'Oog like food! Oog like lots of food! Oog hungry! Give Oog more! RRRRRAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRR!'"
A handful of other enthusiasts eventually chipped in to state more sensible restaurant preferences, though almost no one else mentioned any depression or sadness whatsoever over Miracle Strip being razed by bulldozers next Spring. Some of them, fortunately, did make the time to help continue unfair racial stereotypes by implying that Chinese restaurants put cats in their food.
Said a despondent Crowther, "I always felt ACE was here mainly to preserve historical rides. If a thread on the destruction of a classic family park only succeeds in prompting a frenzied defense of Red Lobster's tastinesss and the size of their butter trough, I guess it's all over."
Reports that Crowther had joined with coaster historian Robert Cartmell and ACE founders Roy Brashears, Richard Munch, and Paul Greenwald to weep bitterly in a darkened room over what ACE was created for and what it was once, compared to what they have seen it become, could not be confirmed.
--JCK
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Jason Burkhett Discovers "Secret Ace Members A-List"
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews
The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."
Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.
"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."
The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.
In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.
"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.
Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.
When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."
The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.
--MOS
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews
The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."
Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.
"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."
The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.
In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.
"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.
Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.
When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."
The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.
--MOS
Monday, April 12, 2004
Collect This
If your hobbies include "rollor coasters" and collecting guns, you might be drifting perilously close to being considered for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award. If your website has very little content, but still makes reference to each of the six game "counsils" you own and adore, even better. Of course, Robert, AKA Flipskater0005, also notes that "I hate school and I think it should die," which pretty much assured him of the honor unless we located a coaster forum topic even more breathtakingly stupid than usual.
Actually, come to think of it, we did locate some pretty stupid forum topics. But we'll hold on to them and make use of them later.
Not that this has anything to do with Robert's enjoyment of Millennium Force or other "rollor coasters," but he also works on some other clever sites, including one that offers minor irritating information about some skateboarding team and an entertainment service that allows people to hire him for work without seeing any proof that he has any credentials of any sort whatsoever.
--JCK
If your hobbies include "rollor coasters" and collecting guns, you might be drifting perilously close to being considered for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award. If your website has very little content, but still makes reference to each of the six game "counsils" you own and adore, even better. Of course, Robert, AKA Flipskater0005, also notes that "I hate school and I think it should die," which pretty much assured him of the honor unless we located a coaster forum topic even more breathtakingly stupid than usual.
Actually, come to think of it, we did locate some pretty stupid forum topics. But we'll hold on to them and make use of them later.
Not that this has anything to do with Robert's enjoyment of Millennium Force or other "rollor coasters," but he also works on some other clever sites, including one that offers minor irritating information about some skateboarding team and an entertainment service that allows people to hire him for work without seeing any proof that he has any credentials of any sort whatsoever.
--JCK
Stratosphere Planning Jackson-Themed Ride
After the announcement that it would install a Wave Swinger-like ride spinning customers over the edge of the 1,000-foot-tall tower, the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas is already planning its next attraction. Surprisingly, it reportedly will be themed around the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
In contrast to the other rides atop the tower, the new ride will be decidedly low-tech, with the equipment consisting solely of really big guys dressed up to resemble Michael Jackson. The Giant Jackson Impersonators (the actual job title) will forcibly lift customers up and dangle them over the edge of the tower while inexplicably draping a towel over the riders' eyes. Certain randomly-selected lucky guests will also be molested by the GJIs.
"This new attraction is really pushing the envelope," said Stratosphere spokesman Andy Sadams. "With the randomly-programmed molestation feature, we challenge any other Vegas attraction to meet the level of excitement of this ride."
At press time, Jackson was reportedly considering the Stratosphere's offer, but was waiting to hear whether the casino's requirement that guests be over 18 was strictly enforced on the tower attractions.
After the announcement that it would install a Wave Swinger-like ride spinning customers over the edge of the 1,000-foot-tall tower, the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas is already planning its next attraction. Surprisingly, it reportedly will be themed around the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.
In contrast to the other rides atop the tower, the new ride will be decidedly low-tech, with the equipment consisting solely of really big guys dressed up to resemble Michael Jackson. The Giant Jackson Impersonators (the actual job title) will forcibly lift customers up and dangle them over the edge of the tower while inexplicably draping a towel over the riders' eyes. Certain randomly-selected lucky guests will also be molested by the GJIs.
"This new attraction is really pushing the envelope," said Stratosphere spokesman Andy Sadams. "With the randomly-programmed molestation feature, we challenge any other Vegas attraction to meet the level of excitement of this ride."
At press time, Jackson was reportedly considering the Stratosphere's offer, but was waiting to hear whether the casino's requirement that guests be over 18 was strictly enforced on the tower attractions.
Sunday, April 11, 2004
Spring Holiday World to Open in 2005
Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.
Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:
-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.
-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.
-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.
-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."
Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."
--JCK
Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.
Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:
-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.
-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.
-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.
-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."
Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."
--JCK
Friday, April 09, 2004
Geauga Lake Announces "Beaver Land"
With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.
"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."
Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."
Other rides will include:
-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.
-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.
-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.
-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.
-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."
"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."
"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.
--JCK
With the purchase of the former Six Flags Worlds of Adventure, formerly Six Flags Ohio, formerly Geauga Lake, by Cedar Fair, park patrons and enthusiasts alike expected a substantial makeover to the park by the beginning of this season. Few, however, anticipated a new children's land themed to The Vagina.
"With the opening of our new Beaver Land, we have popped the proverbial cherry of family entertainment themed to the glories of the panty hamster," said park representative Dick N. Cider. "Our centerpiece ride for the new kiddie section, the Beaver Land Mine Ride, is an exciting roller coaster designed especially for youngsters who may not have experienced a coaster before. It will provide many of them with their first taste! And our additional rides are certain to thrust into the imagination of everyone who penetrates into the new section."
Cider's assistant, Mike Ocksmall, then came over to fill reporters up with information about the new attractions to open alongside Beaver Land Mine Ride. According to Ocksmall, a few of the attractions in Beaver Land require minimal retouching since they already have a name or theme that fits perfectly within the theme of the new land. For instance, Ocksmall notes that Happy Harbor, a set of kids' climbing mazes located "on the south side," already has a "completely acceptable name." And the former Dippy Divers will simply have its name changed to "Dippy Muff Divers," since the ride "already features a small submersible that goes down and plunges into a moist environment."
Other rides will include:
-The Missile Silo, an informative "hands-on" attraction where park guests tour a turgid metal shaft and the dark, tight tunnel in which it throbs and pulsates with barely-restrained power.
-The Birth Cannon, a small S&S Space Shot with water elements added.
-The Furry Turtle, a refurbished Traver Turtle ride with mild thematic additions.
-The Vagina Mono-Log, a themed O. D. Hopkins flume ride with cutomized one-person vehicles.
-And finally, the Eye of Sauron, a ride of as-yet-unspecified type based on what Ocksmall calls "really horny, desperate morons who are convinced that the lidless eye of the Dark Lord Sauron from Lord of the Rings is supposed to be a wang sharpener."
"Of course, it isn't just the new rides that will be themed to p**sy," added Cider. "There will also be an exciting new food court where patrons can munch away to their heart's content. The themed comestibles will include Sausage Wallets, Fortune Nookies, DNA Slurpees, Clamburgers, Fur Pies, and Whisker Biscuits. The large new games area will be featuring unique booths such as Garage of Love, The Foofy Bird, Round Mound of Repound, Otter's Pocket, and Jack-in-the-Box."
"Basically," Cider concluded, "this entire area will just totally immerse guests in poontang." However, the representative refused to comment on whether future children's sections of Geauga Lake would be themed to nipples, butts, scrotums, or manroots.
--JCK
Thursday, April 08, 2004
Memo: Six Flags New Lost Property and Lost Children Policy
Editor's Note: We recently found this memorandum in a dumpster outside Six Flags America.
TO: Six Flags Park Managers
FROM: Associate Director of Guest Satisfaction, Six Flags Theme Parks
Six Flags is excited to welcome visitors for the 2004 Season as our parks open this spring! We are committed to providing a safe and secure environment for our guests, and we are proud to announce that we have hired security-consultant Mr. Nmeosowitz, formerly an Associate Deputy at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), to further those efforts. After extensive study of TSA policies and how they can be applied to our park, we are proud to announce our new security policies.
Any unattended packages or children will be brought to Happy Village, next to Monkey Island. There, both children and packages will be tested for chemical residue and, if at the end of the day they remain unclaimed, they will be destroyed. We feel this new policy will encourage custodians of property and children to maintain control of their property at all times while at Six Flags Theme Parks.
Please inform your guests of this new policy in accordance with usual procedures and arrange for appropriate disposal of the packages and children.
--JZ
Editor's Note: We recently found this memorandum in a dumpster outside Six Flags America.
TO: Six Flags Park Managers
FROM: Associate Director of Guest Satisfaction, Six Flags Theme Parks
Six Flags is excited to welcome visitors for the 2004 Season as our parks open this spring! We are committed to providing a safe and secure environment for our guests, and we are proud to announce that we have hired security-consultant Mr. Nmeosowitz, formerly an Associate Deputy at the Transportation Security Administration (TSA), to further those efforts. After extensive study of TSA policies and how they can be applied to our park, we are proud to announce our new security policies.
Any unattended packages or children will be brought to Happy Village, next to Monkey Island. There, both children and packages will be tested for chemical residue and, if at the end of the day they remain unclaimed, they will be destroyed. We feel this new policy will encourage custodians of property and children to maintain control of their property at all times while at Six Flags Theme Parks.
Please inform your guests of this new policy in accordance with usual procedures and arrange for appropriate disposal of the packages and children.
--JZ
Wednesday, April 07, 2004
Six Flags Restaurant Boss Won't Stop Believing
Tim Stooker feels like going into work "sucks" now more than ever. He earns his daily bread at the Pink Taco, a Mexican Restaurant in Six Flags St. Louis. Surprisingly, it isn't the mullet sporting, Wal-Mart shopping, child-beating patrons that bother him. It's his boss.
"Stan Hansen got promoted this year and his musical taste sucks," Stooker lamented in an interview with ARN&R. "It would be one thing if he brought in a variety of shitty CDs, but it is always the same one -- Journey's Greatest Hits. If I have to hear 'Open Arms' again I'm going to cut my balls off. I just can't take it anymore."
One of Stooker's co-workers, Allan Scott, agreed. "The dude just keeps pumping the same disc over and over. It is killing me. I never thought I would relish hearing Air Supply or Eddie Money, but I would kill to rock out to 'Two Tickets To Paradise' just once. That would be four minutes of musical bliss. Before, I just thought 'Any Way You Want It' was a good adult film. Now whenever I see Jenna going at it all I can hear is Steve Perry singing, 'Oh, she said, Any way you want it, That's the way you need it, Any way you want it.' That definitely took the fun out of porn for me."
Hansen hasn't caught onto the fact that the people under him don't enjoy the CD quite as much as he does.
"Everyone loves rockin' with Steve Perry, Neal, Jon, Ross and Steve Smith," said an obviously elated Stan. "I have heard 'Lights' countless times and that song still touches my heart, just like I am sure it touches each and every one of these guys who get to cut tomatoes and onions for eight hours a day with a twenty minute break...if we're not understaffed."
Stooker, Scott and others have done everything they can to make the CD "vanish." They admitted it had been stolen three times, but whenever it disappeared Hansen went out to his '85 Mustang, brought in his "Greatest Hits" cassette and bought a new copy of the disc that night.
His co-workers are just happy that he will be out of town for a few days to see Journey on tour at California's Del Mar Fairgrounds on June 13. "No they don't have Steve Perry," Hansen giggled, "but they will still be kicking ass on stage. I know I'll still enjoy listening to 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' with my mom."
--FMB
Tim Stooker feels like going into work "sucks" now more than ever. He earns his daily bread at the Pink Taco, a Mexican Restaurant in Six Flags St. Louis. Surprisingly, it isn't the mullet sporting, Wal-Mart shopping, child-beating patrons that bother him. It's his boss.
"Stan Hansen got promoted this year and his musical taste sucks," Stooker lamented in an interview with ARN&R. "It would be one thing if he brought in a variety of shitty CDs, but it is always the same one -- Journey's Greatest Hits. If I have to hear 'Open Arms' again I'm going to cut my balls off. I just can't take it anymore."
One of Stooker's co-workers, Allan Scott, agreed. "The dude just keeps pumping the same disc over and over. It is killing me. I never thought I would relish hearing Air Supply or Eddie Money, but I would kill to rock out to 'Two Tickets To Paradise' just once. That would be four minutes of musical bliss. Before, I just thought 'Any Way You Want It' was a good adult film. Now whenever I see Jenna going at it all I can hear is Steve Perry singing, 'Oh, she said, Any way you want it, That's the way you need it, Any way you want it.' That definitely took the fun out of porn for me."
Hansen hasn't caught onto the fact that the people under him don't enjoy the CD quite as much as he does.
"Everyone loves rockin' with Steve Perry, Neal, Jon, Ross and Steve Smith," said an obviously elated Stan. "I have heard 'Lights' countless times and that song still touches my heart, just like I am sure it touches each and every one of these guys who get to cut tomatoes and onions for eight hours a day with a twenty minute break...if we're not understaffed."
Stooker, Scott and others have done everything they can to make the CD "vanish." They admitted it had been stolen three times, but whenever it disappeared Hansen went out to his '85 Mustang, brought in his "Greatest Hits" cassette and bought a new copy of the disc that night.
His co-workers are just happy that he will be out of town for a few days to see Journey on tour at California's Del Mar Fairgrounds on June 13. "No they don't have Steve Perry," Hansen giggled, "but they will still be kicking ass on stage. I know I'll still enjoy listening to 'Lovin', Touchin', Squeezin' with my mom."
--FMB
Tuesday, April 06, 2004
Disaster Transport Wins Best Dark Ride for Coasterbuzz's 2004 Coasters Choice Awards
Coaster forums are still buzzing over Disaster Transport's stunning upset over Islands of Adventure's The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man in the 2004 Coasters Choice awards. The awards, which show absolutely no bias toward Cedar Point or any other midwest located parks, are presented yearly via a live ceremony, webcast from owner Jeff Putz's mother's house. Cedar Point won 8 of the 11 total awards this year, with a Cedar Point fan site even beating out AR&R for "Coaster Site of the Year."
Putz claims the win by Disaster Transport does nothing to discredit the validity of the awards. "Disaster Transport is a very fun dark ride," said Putz, "plus lots of people like to ride it in the summer for the air conditioning. You have to remember that when considering the results. Myself, I found that Spider Man ride kind of boring."
"The Coasters Choice Awards represent the best of amusement parks and rides in America." Putz continued, "That is clear from year to year. I mean, it's not like something totally absurd happened like Kings Island beating Islands of Adventure for Best Theming, for example. Or Cedar Point's godawful food beating Knoebels and Busch Gardens for Best Food. Now THAT would prove my awards are biased."
--MOS
Coaster forums are still buzzing over Disaster Transport's stunning upset over Islands of Adventure's The Amazing Adventures of Spider Man in the 2004 Coasters Choice awards. The awards, which show absolutely no bias toward Cedar Point or any other midwest located parks, are presented yearly via a live ceremony, webcast from owner Jeff Putz's mother's house. Cedar Point won 8 of the 11 total awards this year, with a Cedar Point fan site even beating out AR&R for "Coaster Site of the Year."
Putz claims the win by Disaster Transport does nothing to discredit the validity of the awards. "Disaster Transport is a very fun dark ride," said Putz, "plus lots of people like to ride it in the summer for the air conditioning. You have to remember that when considering the results. Myself, I found that Spider Man ride kind of boring."
"The Coasters Choice Awards represent the best of amusement parks and rides in America." Putz continued, "That is clear from year to year. I mean, it's not like something totally absurd happened like Kings Island beating Islands of Adventure for Best Theming, for example. Or Cedar Point's godawful food beating Knoebels and Busch Gardens for Best Food. Now THAT would prove my awards are biased."
--MOS
Monday, April 05, 2004
If You Could Make Your Own Theme Park, What Stupid Things Would You Put in It?
This week's Site O' the Weak is the Young Writer's Club webpage devoted to theme parks. The writers are charged with describing the theme park of their dreams. Heeding the orders to "describe it all in detail," the Young Writers have come up with all sorts of gems, including, but hardly limited to, the following:
-Kandi217 is particularly informative, telling us not once, but twice, that the park should be FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN [edited for length and content].
-Dreama Fowler-Mitchell requests a really fun park that consists of nothing but "[s]hops, shops, and more shops."
-Keta 2005 thoughtfully triple posts no opinion of any sort.
-Nikolecoolkid has very specific ideas on what the park should cost, and has some really unusual park content ideas not at all stolen directly from the board game Candyland. As she would allow "no licking," oral sex is obviously not as welcome at her park as it is at Lake Compounce.
-Ambitious Darkangel, who probably is actually Billy Ray Cyrus or Sinead O' Conner or a member of The Cardigans or something, wants "a place where i could prefom [sic] my unheard music to thousands of fans."
-Billjo, presumbaly an ACE member, informs his readership that "I love going to them parks. My faviort one is kennywood. I go there every year. My faviort rollercoster is the steellphonon. I love there food"
-Treeteen comes up with an idea so spectacular it has to be triple posted: name a thrill ride "YUP...YOUR DEAD....?!!!?"
-Soccerboy has no need to come up with a dream park of his own; it's already been made: "I'm going to talk about six flags of America. It is very fun i'v been thier"
-Bookguy's concept is so stupendous, he posts it nine times: "If i could make my own thrme park i would put the biggest bestest rides in it because i love big rides like the steelphantom i lov that ride so it would diffenetlly be in my theme park. i would have a serf shopp in it i would have icecream stans and lots of other food stands.the cost would be 1.00$ to just get in but it would cost 1.00$ to get on a ride.It would be in my back yard0."
And of course there's more. So much more. Read and enjoy.
--JCK
This week's Site O' the Weak is the Young Writer's Club webpage devoted to theme parks. The writers are charged with describing the theme park of their dreams. Heeding the orders to "describe it all in detail," the Young Writers have come up with all sorts of gems, including, but hardly limited to, the following:
-Kandi217 is particularly informative, telling us not once, but twice, that the park should be FUN FUN FUN FUN FUN [edited for length and content].
-Dreama Fowler-Mitchell requests a really fun park that consists of nothing but "[s]hops, shops, and more shops."
-Keta 2005 thoughtfully triple posts no opinion of any sort.
-Nikolecoolkid has very specific ideas on what the park should cost, and has some really unusual park content ideas not at all stolen directly from the board game Candyland. As she would allow "no licking," oral sex is obviously not as welcome at her park as it is at Lake Compounce.
-Ambitious Darkangel, who probably is actually Billy Ray Cyrus or Sinead O' Conner or a member of The Cardigans or something, wants "a place where i could prefom [sic] my unheard music to thousands of fans."
-Billjo, presumbaly an ACE member, informs his readership that "I love going to them parks. My faviort one is kennywood. I go there every year. My faviort rollercoster is the steellphonon. I love there food"
-Treeteen comes up with an idea so spectacular it has to be triple posted: name a thrill ride "YUP...YOUR DEAD....?!!!?"
-Soccerboy has no need to come up with a dream park of his own; it's already been made: "I'm going to talk about six flags of America. It is very fun i'v been thier"
-Bookguy's concept is so stupendous, he posts it nine times: "If i could make my own thrme park i would put the biggest bestest rides in it because i love big rides like the steelphantom i lov that ride so it would diffenetlly be in my theme park. i would have a serf shopp in it i would have icecream stans and lots of other food stands.the cost would be 1.00$ to just get in but it would cost 1.00$ to get on a ride.It would be in my back yard0."
And of course there's more. So much more. Read and enjoy.
--JCK
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