O'Connor: Ronnie Held on to See Latest Tsunami Construction Pics

In a moving eulogy today regarding Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor revealed a surprising fact: the former U.S. President gained strength to continue surviving well into his 90's due to his passionate desire to view the new construction photos of Tsunami, an S&S woodie under construction at Clementon Lake Park.

"Not many people know about this," said O'Connor, appointed by Reagan in 1981 as the first woman to serve in the nation's highest court, "but Ronnie was a complete coaster nut. He was a charter member of the Coaster Zombies and, for some reason, even joined the Greater Ohio Coaster Club one season. And it's that coaster obsession that gave him the power to live until the age of 93. Specifically, this season he's been carrying on in order to see the construction pics of Tsunami, which he told me 'looked totally kick-ass.'"

O'Connor added that "Ronnie left me a letter where he said he finally got to see the construction photo of the ride's first drop on Onride Central, and that he finally felt at peace and that his life's work was done."

"Obviously this is interesting news to us here at the American Coaster Enthusiasts," said Carole Sanderson, the group's President, Lion Tamer, and BCS Co-Champion. "We had no idea the former President was such a fan of our favorite hobby. Of course, many other presidents have enjoyed roller coasters. For instance, Millard Fillmore was a freak for the Mauch Chunk, and they couldn't pry LBJ off the Six Flags Over Texas coasters with a crowbar. And let's not forget William Howard Taft, who unfortunately loved coasters before the advent of fifth-row seats, so he couldn't actually fit in any of them."

O'Connor said that Reagan advisors were not taking seriously the suggestion by one anonymous ACE member that Reagan's ashes be scattered from the top of Top Thrill Dragster in tribute to his hobby, stating that, as far as she knew, "the Reagan family still intends to go ahead with the planned state funeral at Washington National Cathedral this Friday." Reports that Reagan's casket would be receiving ERT on Six Flags America's Superman: Ride of Steel prior to being flown back to California were said to be inaccurate.

--JCK

Coaster Enthusiast's Entire Summer Trip Budget Spent in Four Minutes

Connecticut coaster enthusiast Rufus Joel, 36, had long been looking forward to this week, a vacation that would feature an intricately-planned driving tour of amusement parks up and down the Eastern seaboard. A mid-level staffer for a Hartford-based insurance company, Joel receives a modest salary and only two weeks of vacation each year, so he covets every one of his rare chances to get out of his cubicle and experience the thrill of riding roller coasters and driving around the country with his wondows rolled down.

Unfortunately, Joel used up the entire budget for his coaster vacation in four minutes, the time it took for him to fill the gas tank of his 1999 Toyota Corolla at a local Exxon station.

"F*ck!" Joel told ARN&R. "I saved all year for this trip. I went out for dinner less, I almost eliminated purchases of CD's and DVD's, and I moved into a cheaper apartment, all so I could make use of my precious few days off. And then I left my house, drove a mile down the road to the gas station, and spent every penny of the two thousand dollars I'd saved for the trip on a fill-up. And it wasn't even premium! Two thousand bucks to fill up a sensible family car!"

Joel later admitted that he spent six dollars of the two thousand getting lunch at a local sandwich shop, meaning that he merely used one thousand, one hundred and ninety four dollars at Exxon.

When asked if he had any revised plans for his yearly vacation, Joel shrugged and stated that he would "probably just watch a lot of TV, assuming I can keep paying Comcast a hundred bucks a month for basic service."

--JCK

Coming Soon: The World's Only Fansite Dedicated To The Dude Who Sold Those Blowup Hammers At Quassy In 1998

Okay, Jeff Siebert (note the order of 'i' and 'e' and the 'b' rather than 'f'), the PR guy for Paramount's Kings Island, seems like a nice guy. We've got no problem with him.

But a website dedicated entirely to him? We're going to go ahead and say, um, it's stalkeriffic!

Let's see...pictures taken when the subject is clearly not aware of it? Check. Surreally positive praise ("Some people are great. Some people are awesome Then There's Jeff Siebert!")? Check. Completely empty discussion board? Check. Repeated references to sightings ("He's been seen at Monster and Flying Eagles helping to operate the ride. Jeff has also been seen working in Bubba Gumps.")? Check.

Yes, the site does say it is "ment [sic] to be funny" and says that Siebert likes it. But hey, stalkers usually think their behavior is welcome. So, Jeff Siebert Fan Page, you're ARN&R's Site O' the Weak!

"Coaster n' Campin'" Couple See Selves As "Coaster Enthusiasts," Not "Dirty White Trash"

Husband and wife team Mark and Karyn O'Harron see themselves as "coaster enthusiasts" as opposed to the freaky trailer trash they actually are.

The O'Harrons, who have never been a member of a coaster club, have never attended an enthusiast event, and who know very little about different coaster types, consider themselves enthusiasts nonetheless due to bi-yearly "coaster 'n' campin'" trips made during summer months.

"Karyn, she's a kindergarten teacher so she's off summers and me, I got my settlement check from my back injury on the job so it's not like I got much to do," reported Mark, who appears to enjoy getting tattoos much more than basic personal hygiene. "We're just nuts about parks, real enthusiasts. We love 'em all, Magic Mountain and Kentucky Kingdom 'specially."

Karyn, who sees nothing abnormal about cooking spice rack pasta in a Motel 6 room as dinner, continued, "We love 'em, them coasters. 'Specially The Beast, that's a good 'un... and... what's the name of that tall one? Something force? That one is kick-ass!"

"We're gonna go in our trailer one day," said Karyn, referring to the 1983 trailer in which they currently reside, "As soon as Mark fixes it up. All it needs is wheels and an engine!"

Mark concluded that they would love the parks even more, if only "them darkies learned their place and stopped bein' so uppity."

--MOS

Opponent of 2003 Disney Gay Days Looking Forward to 2004 Disney Gay Days

It's 6:00 on Saturday afternoon, and the Reverend Howard Ferstler, 51, is putting clothes and a compact disc player in his suitcase for a trip to Disney World that begins with his direct flight from Little Rock, Arkansas, to Orlando this evening. This is a trip Ferstler has made numerous times over the past several years, as the self-described Conservative Christian has made frequent pilgrimages to amusement parks that host Gay Day celebrations. So what makes this time any more special than any of the other scores of trips he has made in the past?

Previously, Ferstler attended Gay Days to express his hatred of those different from him. This time, he is going as an eager participant.

"In a few hours, I'll be packing a lot more than my socks!" he says, with a wink. Then he tries to slip a ball gag and leather chaps into his carry-on bag without this reporter noticing.

A mere year ago, Ferstler fought Disney in court, and lost, over the right to fly his plane over the Magic Kingdom with anti-gay banners. After that failure, he showed up at Animal Kingdom and stood in the parking lot for three straight days holding signs with intellectual slogans such as "Kill All Fags" and "God Hates People Different From Me." Ferstler also screamed randomly selected, out-of-context bible verses at anyone within earshot until he passed out from heat exhaustion. While not either harassing homosexuals minding their own business at amusement parks or blatantly disregarding the message of love and compassion given by his Lord and Savior Jesus Christ during his own sermons for the Sixty-Ninth Baptist Church of Eastern Little Rock, Ferstler enjoyed spending quality time with Randall Terry plotting the murder of abortion doctors and beating his wife. But not this year.

When queried as to why the formerly outspoken critic of homosexuals would be interested in attending the celebration instead of threatening the lives of gays and handing out literature suggesting they rot in hell, Ferstler was effusive:

"It all started when that Christian Action Network President Martin Mawyer came to my church to show his video of hot man-on-man action from a previous Disney Gay Day," says Ferstler. "He showed us that footage of men cuddling and taking shirts off and slapping each other's buttocks, all in plain view of normal, non-deviant Christians at the park, and...oh my, it was offensive. It was so offensive that I asked to see it again. And again. Well, eventually all those disgusting homos showing affection got me so worked up with righteous rage that I had to insist on getting a hand job from Martin in the bathroom."

He continues: "everyone kept saying my rage against gay people was totally caused by my self-hatred due to the fact that I liked men and just couldn't handle it. Hey, I guess they were right all along! In all these years of beating up gays and spewing hatred, I never realized the sheer pleasure that could be provided by another man. How I wish I had known before now how spectacular and comforting it is to feel the tickle of a beard on your inner thigh; strong, masculine lips around your throbbing member; or a supersized dildo up your butt."

Ferstler notes that his decision to embrace the gay lifestyle he had long denounced had led him on a journey of self-awakening. "I couldn't believe how many people who claim to hate gays were so good at anal sex!" he says. "For instance, Lou Sheldon always claimed homosexuality is a social disorder that's not genetic, but acquired. Well hell, after I let him acquire my ass in a hotel room, I bet he's softened his stance. And then there was that Jeremy Shockey fellow, who plays tight end for the Giants and is always talking about how much he hates homos. Let's just say that, judging from my time with him, he'd be better off playing with the Rams or the Oilers or the Packers."

"Actually, you might want to refer to him as a split end now, though," said Ferstler with a chuckle.

And as for longtime Ferstler pal Jessie Helms, the good reverend merely has this cryptic comment: "well, don't knock a gum job til you try it."

When this reporter asked Ferstler whether he was concerned about fundamentalist Christians assaulting and cursing him when he arrived at Disney World, he merely stated that he "wasn't too concerned with the opinion of those assholes."

--JCK

Enthusiast Misses Chance to Discuss Amusement Parks at Work

In an exclusive interview this morning, coaster enthusiast Matt Groban reported great feelings of dejection and bereavement over his failure to discuss amusement parks with co-workers despite having an easy opening in a conversation that should have enabled him to do just that.

Groban, who teaches science at Dodd Middle School in Cheshire, Connecticut, blatantly failed to take advantage of his potential coaster conversation this Friday, when fellow teacher Jan Royster mentioned in the teacher's lounge that she had taken her art class to Lake Compounce on a field trip.

"I totally messed it up," said Groban. "I mean, she mentioned an amusement park! She said she had taken her class there, and then even said that some security guard had told her some nonsense like there would be an 85 million dollar expansion to double the size of the park next year. She just spread the conversation wide open for me to bust in there and talk about who owned what land and how it was zoned in Bristol, or discuss the type of grease used on Boulderdash, or maybe describe the air compression technology that they use on the new S&S ride, or even talk about how their website was telling people to 'go down' for quite some time. Unfortunately, I couldn't butt in quick enough, and those dumbasses just moved on to talking about the plumbing problems the school's been having."

Groban noted that "at one point, I would have gotten in there and made the rest of lunch completely about my knowledge of coasters. But I waited a split second too long, and then my chance was wasted. I think I'm losing my touch."

Groban noted that, as recently as a month ago, he had been more effective at making use of coaster-related teacher's lounge chats to tell people how much he knows about amusement parks. "It was right after the Superman accident," he said. "People were talking about how coasters were dangerous, but then I managed to leap in and tell them all about what they needed to know. And I was especially helpful in reassuring and comforting them in their time of need, since I'd done my research and read "What to Say to Friends About the Superman Accident."

"I only hope I can get back to that level," he said, gazing wistfully into the sunset. "Because if I don't, some young buck is going to be the one dominating discussions about roller coasters at Dodd before I know it."

--JCK

Coaster Con Finds New Sponsor

The Atkins Company made a lot of coaster nuts happy this week. The company stepped up to the plate and worked out an agreement with Cedar Point, Geauga Lake and Memphis Kiddie Park to help sponsor the event, which in turn keeps costs down for ACE Members.

“This is really a win-win for ACE and Atkins,” said ACE Goddess-on-High Carole Sanderson. “The coaster group gets to keep their program prices down and Atkins gets a target-rich environment. Without this corporate sponsorship opportunity ACE members would be paying upwards of $5,000 each. We think it's great!”

Tim Latham, V.P. of Concept Development for Atkins, agrees. “We have never found so many overweight men under 40 in one spot before. It will be like shooting fish in a barrel! Add in the fact that many eat meat-heavy diets already and we feel like we’ve struck oil.”

ACE and Atkins have several events planned for the Con, including:

- A steak-eating contest in front of Magnum -- the first to vomit up “Magnum Red” puke wins.

- A Gravy Bath -- The famous retro “water ball” fountain will be filled with gravy so ACErs can get their first bath and fifth gravy helping of the day. Groping will be encouraged and videotaped for the fetish market.

- A Sh*t-Off -- After gorging themselves at the protein-filled Midway Market, enthusiasts will square off in a stinky crap-o-thon. Results will be judged on length, circumference and mass. The more the merrier!

Cedar Fair C.E.O. Dick Kinzel is especially excited about the new events this year. “Yeah, I can’t wait until those lardasses lose some weight. They have complained about Millennium Force enough already this season,” he told ARN&R in an exclusive interview. Kinzel continued, “Now when will you start taping this interview, anyway?”

--FMB

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NY Post Targeting ARN&R Turf

Nothing else new today besides the Site O' The Weak, folks: The New York Post pretty much did our job for us.

Holiday World Starting To Think They Shouldn't Have Pissed Off That Gypsy

So far in this short season, Holiday World has endured major flooding, potential cicada invasions, and tornado warnings. Less-publicized have been the rains of deformed frogs, Raging Rapids' rivers running red with blood, and, oddly, given the extensive food service offerings, widespread famine in all corners of the park. ARN&R has learned that the popular park's management is beginning to suspect that perhaps they shouldn't have thrown out a Gypsy last year for smoking in the line for Legend.

"Hey, the sign said non-smoking," said Will Koch, president of the park in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "And she was smoking. And she also kept muttering bizarre incantations and pointing ominously at the people next to her in line, but we didn't have any 'No Bizarre Incantations' sign up at the time, though we sure do now. We told her politely to stop smoking, but she said she'd paid for her pack of Camel Reds and she was going to get every bit of enjoyment out of them. That's when security called me."

Koch then went to the line to attempt to resolve the situation. Immediately upon seeing Koch, though, the gypsy began shrieking obscenities (largely in other languages) and shaking violently, saying she recognized him "from her days visiting Hell." Koch said he was forced to carry her out by force, somehow maintaining his excellent hair despite her thrashing.

"The last thing she said was that we would rue the day we threw her out and something about a pox on all our houses," continued Koch, shaking his head. "I figured she'd send a letter to the Better Business Bureau or post something obnoxious on ThrillNetwork's Gypsy Enthusiast board. But I'm starting to think we really shouldn't have pissed her off. All this stuff that's happened this year is starting to freak me out. And I haven't really told anyone, but I've started to lose hair in huge chunks, and I keep waking up screaming in Latvian, and I don't even know Latvian!"

At press time, Koch was wandering the abandoned tunnels under Grand Central Station in New York, trying to find a mysterious former Gypsy known only as Bughead, who is purportedly able to reverse Gypsy curses.