Cedar Point Feared The Worst Before Start of ACE Con

While it was once believed that California might someday break off into the Pacific Ocean, ARN&R has learned that that theory was feared to be an imminent reality for the peninsula that holds Cedar Point Amusement Park/Resort. Park officials called in civil engineers fearing that the worst might have come true.

The added weight on the peninsula during the recent ACE conference was a concern for park officials for some time. The resort and amusement park feared finding itself on an island in Lake Erie instead of being accessible by a narrow swath of land. During winter meetings, park officials had engineers look into the possibility. However, officials discovered serious concerns even before the first ACEr arrived.

Days before the convention, hundreds of 18-wheel refrigerated trailer trucks, used as temporary warehouses to house the additional food required to feed the attendees, made their way onto the peninsula to park for the event. The trucks alone added thousands of pounds of food to the peninsula.

"Your typical ACE member pounds down half-a-dozen chili dogs, four pounds of fries, two funnel cakes and a gallon of soda in an average meal," according to Carole Sanderson, president of ACE. "For the parks and their suppliers it's a difficult scenario, not to mention the possible geographical catastrophes."

Cedar Point estimates that food sales increased ten-fold during the conference, a logistics nightmare for the park.

"No park has the warehouse capacity to store that much food," said Jaris Colman, director of food services for Cedar Point. "Its been a huge problem for our suppliers too, who operated around the clock for weeks to get the required food to the park on-time."

"The weight of a quarter million dogs, half million pounds of fries and fifty tractor trailers full of chili takes its toll on the causeway and peninsula," said Colman. "At first we were simply concerned about the additional weight of the attendees, but the food alone came close to making our worst nightmare a reality."

While the park denies it, ARN&R has learned that land movement began to occur at least a week prior to the event. Off the record, one Cedar Point official admitted that the park flew in a crew from Southern California's famed CalTech to measure for seismic activity.

Sudden cracks in the causeway, a sink hole in the parking lot and flooding of The Breakers basement were just early indications of the possible troubles to come. Officials denied an inside report that the already-sinking Magnum XL-200 lost an additional 10 feet in the last week prior to the convention.

"By the time the ACE members arrived, we were afraid that Magnum might be an underground attraction," said a night shift security supervisor at the park. "We were all warned and an evacuation plan was in order should the causeway sink during the con."

Park officials banned any additional food trucks from crossing the causeway and requested a police presence to control any problems had they run out of chili dogs. ARN&R has been unable to confirm that Sandusky police used firehoses and rubber bullets on hordes of ACErs demanding additional cobbler.

"I can understand how things might get out of hand when the park ran out of dessert," said Sandusky police chief Daryl Gates. "I had to deal with the problems two years ago when the police officers rioted after the local Dunkin Donuts ran out of doughnuts. Lack of food makes people do things they wouldn't normally do."

Despite the park's fears, a complete collapse of the park into the lake was narrowly averted through the creative and extensive use of underwater scaffolding and bracing, with enormous steel girders being drilled directly into bedrock below the water. The efforts were barely noticed by the attendees, except for one enthusiast who promptly wrote Thrillride! with "confirmation" of a B&M underwater launched coaster for 2006.

--AFU

Occasional Lapses In Absolutely Reliable Coverage in Days to Come

We're relocating world headquarters of ARN&R in the coming weeks, so we'll be (more) inconsistent than usual about posting. Don't you worry your pretty little collective head, though, it's a temporary thing. Promise.

New Homoerotic Lord of the Rings Simulator Hits the Market

The Wacky Funtime Rides Corporation has just released a Lord of the Rings-themed simulator. Touted for the high level of thrills it provides within its very small footprint, the film takes riders on an epic journey through Middle Earth.

The unusual twist to this particular ride is that it is the first overtly gay-friendly attraction based on a major movie franchise. Passengers pay a fee for the ride, and are then allowed to select from a large array of possible homoerotic scenes they wish to experience. Due to the large number of man-love scenarios available to passengers, there should be nearly an infinite number of possible different ride experiences, say company reps.

Much like the rollercoaster-themed small simulators that began appearing a number of years back, the LOTR-themed rides feature a cabin with room for two passengers. Three different scenes demonstrating Middle Earth-dwellers in hot man-on-man, or Hobbit-on-Hobbit, or Elf-on-Orc, action are selected by the riders; a film based on the three scenes is shown in 3D while the cabin rotates along with it.

"We've had a limited release in the past week to test the market for this type of attraction," said one Wacky Fun representative, appearing at a trial run for the new ride at a Jackson, Mississippi mall. "For instance, we've had amazing success testing the ride out in places like Dollywood, Visionland, and Six Flags Over Texas. We expect hundreds of these babies to be shipping to malls, fun centers, and other amusement parks within the next couple months."

The rep noted that the three most popular scenes being chosen thus far were Sam and Frodo: Distraction, Boromir/Pippin, and Legolas+Gimli, but that Hobbits was rapidly coming from behind.

Those who rode the new attraction at the Wacky Fun demonstration in Jackson certainly seemed pleased. One particularly excited young man, leaping out of the pod after his completed ride, even cried out "this ride is totally gay!"

--JCK

Horny Enthusiasts Flock to Girl's Rescue

According to sources close to ARN&R, approximately six trillion horny coaster enthusiasts (as well as approximately 19 googleplex other horny guys with no life who don't happen to be coaster enthusiasts) have discovered an online personal ad for a girl who appears to like roller coasters, but is incapable of correctly spelling the word "roller coaster." Experts report that a remarkable increase in worldwide bedsheet-staining can largely be traced to enthusiasts fondling themselves while imagining themselves swooping in and rescuing the young lass from her troubles by providing the correct spelling of the word, thereby earning her love and adulation forever, and presumably then getting to bone her a lot.

"I know I haven't seen a picture of SweetKylie19," said enthusiast Bob Fowler, 50, after he finished pleasuting himself for the fourth time in one hour thinking of the proper way to win the young lady's affection by informing her that she had spelled his favorite type of ride wrong. "But if she likes coasters, I'm sure she's a babe. That's why I'm going to register for this site she's on called 'So Would You Do Me,' and then I can be one of several billion horny bastards who can write in to tell her whether they would enjoy porking her or not, give her a rating, and of course tell her that I'm happy to meet her in person and coach her on the proper way to spell certain amusement park rides. I know she'll want me after that. Who doesn't want to meet a sexy coaster enthusiast?"

"I'm certainly turned on by this chick," noted ACE member Fred Schnauserkins, 46. "Okay, sure, I know she says she hates pop princesses yet calls Avril Lavigne her 'idol,' and then she says she doesn't drink and follows that up by saying she drinks socially, but she needs someone to 'sweet her off her feet,' so she obviously means me. And I've been waiting for a girl who says she enjoys roller coasters, even if she calls them 'rollor coasters.' In fact, it's better that she likes them but can't figure out how to spell them right. That way, I know I can be the teacher and she can be the padawan. Actually, I think most women would prefer it that way, since I know so much. There is much they can learn from me."

ARN&R was unable to ascertain whether all of the members of SWYDM were actually coaster enthusiasts or whether some were just big fat losers who have low enough self-esteem that they have to post their picture online and have complete strangers reassure them that they would be worth screwing.

--JCK

KKK Members Protest Gay Days by Publicly F*cking Animals

Following a completely unsuccessful attempt, through on-site protest, to intimidate homosexuals into not attending the unofficial Gay Day at Dollywood park a few weeks back, the Ku Klux Klan is trying a new strategy in its quest to promote hatred and violence: f*cking barnyard animals.

"Whoo-weee!" shouted lifelong KKK member Billy Joe Pigsqueal, 38, as he sodomized a hapless goat outside of Six Flags Over Georgia, where the group was protesting a Gay Day being held at that park. "Take that! That'll show you homos we don' need yer kind at amusement parks!"

Pigsqueal was unable to inform ARN&R why, precisely, a bunch of inbred assholes giving some rough love to chickens and cows would have any effect on whether anyone decided to visit an amusement park.

"We're gonna keep on f*ckin' us some goats and pigs until the queers stop havin' their sinful Gay Days," noted Joe Don Bob “Strom” Thurmond, 95, a seventy-year KKK member famous for suing the makers of Deliverance for portraying him in an unfavorable light during the "Dueling Banjos" scene in that film. "We'll be protestin' just like this at every park that lets these homos in."

Thurmond was in the midst of a predictably idiotic rant about how white people are an oppressed minority in the US, when he was surprisingly thrown to the ground and raped by an angry steer that had broken loose from its holding pen. Despite this setback, the surviving hate club members assure ARN&R that they will continue having passionate sex with fowl and hogs until the world recognizes the supremacy of the Aryan race and/or gays stop going to theme parks.

--JCK

Fear the Boobie

We've already referenced this forum topic at Ultimate Rollercoaster as part of our Breaking News section ("Repressed Prudes Post on Coaster Forums, Say Experts"), but it's gotten so hysterical it just made our Site O' the Weak. From its humble beginnings as a mere outburst of prudishness by a deeply repressed poster who was miffed that a picture of the nude Nemesis Inferno ride photo made it into a signature line, observe how the topic degenerates (amazingly, it's possible) into plenty of random personal insults, the spewing of general hatred for all men, the trashing the social habits and beliefs of other countries, and, thankfully, the posting of more boobie pictures.

Please be aware that you will witness terrifying pictures of boobies, probably the first you've ever seen if you're a coaster enthusiast, if you actually link to the Site O' the Weak. You are a dirty, flithy pervert who will rot in the fiery pits of Hell (or perhaps Southern Mississippi) if you look at them. So you should probably just take our word for it that this topic is damn funny and not actually look at it, or else Satan will rip your still-beating heart from your chest and feed it to his Welsh Corgi.

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Please stop sending us the hate mail. The author certainly did not mean to imply that Welsh Corgies are beasts of Hell, merely that Satan owns one. We apologize for any offense taken by owners of this magnificent breed.]

Astroland to Theme Cyclone As "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini"

The management of Coney Island's Astroland announced yesterday that it would be closing the famed Coney Island Cyclone for an extended period to permit its retheming as the "Ferlinghetti Lamborghini," a combined coaster and dark ride.

"All the kids these days love that beat poetry of [Lawrence] Ferlinghetti and his contemporaries," said park spokesman Stephen Graham in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "They're constantly hanging around with their berets and their clove cigarettes flying off of our Break Dance. We've been trying for years to figure out how to exploit the massive modern appeal of beat poetry, and we've heard that Six Flags has been working on an Allen Ginsberg-themed walk-through attraction called "Howl," and we wanted to beat them to the punch. Then it came to us: Ferlinghetti wrote the classic anthology of poems Coney Island of the Mind! We knew we had the right approach once we remembered that."

The ride, to be designed and installed by Premier, will maintain the classic wooden coaster's structure while adding extensive dark ride elements. In one series of scenes, Billy Graham and Elvis Presley will exchange roles seriously; in another, an enormous father figure will be shown coming home with his pockets filled with irradiated silver dollars. In a special scene included only in evening "adult-only" rides, the American Boy will take off Beauty's clothes and get on top of her.

The new ride's dramatic finale will feature the rolling stock appearing to transform into a sweet desegregated chariot swinging low and carrying riders back to Ole Virginie.

Nathan's Hot Dogs is anticipated to be closed and replaced with a new location of City Lights Bookstore.

O'Connor: Ronnie Held on to See Latest Tsunami Construction Pics

In a moving eulogy today regarding Ronald Reagan, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor revealed a surprising fact: the former U.S. President gained strength to continue surviving well into his 90's due to his passionate desire to view the new construction photos of Tsunami, an S&S woodie under construction at Clementon Lake Park.

"Not many people know about this," said O'Connor, appointed by Reagan in 1981 as the first woman to serve in the nation's highest court, "but Ronnie was a complete coaster nut. He was a charter member of the Coaster Zombies and, for some reason, even joined the Greater Ohio Coaster Club one season. And it's that coaster obsession that gave him the power to live until the age of 93. Specifically, this season he's been carrying on in order to see the construction pics of Tsunami, which he told me 'looked totally kick-ass.'"

O'Connor added that "Ronnie left me a letter where he said he finally got to see the construction photo of the ride's first drop on Onride Central, and that he finally felt at peace and that his life's work was done."

"Obviously this is interesting news to us here at the American Coaster Enthusiasts," said Carole Sanderson, the group's President, Lion Tamer, and BCS Co-Champion. "We had no idea the former President was such a fan of our favorite hobby. Of course, many other presidents have enjoyed roller coasters. For instance, Millard Fillmore was a freak for the Mauch Chunk, and they couldn't pry LBJ off the Six Flags Over Texas coasters with a crowbar. And let's not forget William Howard Taft, who unfortunately loved coasters before the advent of fifth-row seats, so he couldn't actually fit in any of them."

O'Connor said that Reagan advisors were not taking seriously the suggestion by one anonymous ACE member that Reagan's ashes be scattered from the top of Top Thrill Dragster in tribute to his hobby, stating that, as far as she knew, "the Reagan family still intends to go ahead with the planned state funeral at Washington National Cathedral this Friday." Reports that Reagan's casket would be receiving ERT on Six Flags America's Superman: Ride of Steel prior to being flown back to California were said to be inaccurate.

--JCK

Coaster Enthusiast's Entire Summer Trip Budget Spent in Four Minutes

Connecticut coaster enthusiast Rufus Joel, 36, had long been looking forward to this week, a vacation that would feature an intricately-planned driving tour of amusement parks up and down the Eastern seaboard. A mid-level staffer for a Hartford-based insurance company, Joel receives a modest salary and only two weeks of vacation each year, so he covets every one of his rare chances to get out of his cubicle and experience the thrill of riding roller coasters and driving around the country with his wondows rolled down.

Unfortunately, Joel used up the entire budget for his coaster vacation in four minutes, the time it took for him to fill the gas tank of his 1999 Toyota Corolla at a local Exxon station.

"F*ck!" Joel told ARN&R. "I saved all year for this trip. I went out for dinner less, I almost eliminated purchases of CD's and DVD's, and I moved into a cheaper apartment, all so I could make use of my precious few days off. And then I left my house, drove a mile down the road to the gas station, and spent every penny of the two thousand dollars I'd saved for the trip on a fill-up. And it wasn't even premium! Two thousand bucks to fill up a sensible family car!"

Joel later admitted that he spent six dollars of the two thousand getting lunch at a local sandwich shop, meaning that he merely used one thousand, one hundred and ninety four dollars at Exxon.

When asked if he had any revised plans for his yearly vacation, Joel shrugged and stated that he would "probably just watch a lot of TV, assuming I can keep paying Comcast a hundred bucks a month for basic service."

--JCK

Coming Soon: The World's Only Fansite Dedicated To The Dude Who Sold Those Blowup Hammers At Quassy In 1998

Okay, Jeff Siebert (note the order of 'i' and 'e' and the 'b' rather than 'f'), the PR guy for Paramount's Kings Island, seems like a nice guy. We've got no problem with him.

But a website dedicated entirely to him? We're going to go ahead and say, um, it's stalkeriffic!

Let's see...pictures taken when the subject is clearly not aware of it? Check. Surreally positive praise ("Some people are great. Some people are awesome Then There's Jeff Siebert!")? Check. Completely empty discussion board? Check. Repeated references to sightings ("He's been seen at Monster and Flying Eagles helping to operate the ride. Jeff has also been seen working in Bubba Gumps.")? Check.

Yes, the site does say it is "ment [sic] to be funny" and says that Siebert likes it. But hey, stalkers usually think their behavior is welcome. So, Jeff Siebert Fan Page, you're ARN&R's Site O' the Weak!