Enthusiast Fails Spectacularly to Design Dark Ride Themed After Gounoud's Faust

In what he describes as "an incredible experience," coaster and classical music enthusiast Kirk James failed spectacularly to design an elaborately themed dark ride after attending an presentation of an obscure operatic version of the legendary Faust story.

"I'd seen this kick-ass presentation of the opera at some community college with an amazing viola section, and I started to think, 'Hey, this could work at Islands of Adventure!'" said James in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "So I started some drawings and ended up with a two-inch binder of materials to send down to Universal."

The ride he imagined opened, as did the opera, with Faust wearing, for no identifiable reason, a Klingon mask, only to remove it upon striking a deal with the devil. But instead of launching into, for example, a high-speed coaster-style ride a la "Revenge of the Mummy," reflecting Faust's adventures with the devil on his side, James's design contemplated riders sitting in unmoving seats for approximately seven hours of opera.

James insisted that riders would not get bored, thanks to the surtitles with translations of what was happening on stage. "That makes opera rock, and the kids'll love it! Also, the chick I have in mind to play Faust's girlfriend will smile inappropriately at every moment, including during the time at which she's killing her unborn baby, so that'll be fun too," said James. The ride will conclude with riders taking what James described as "a wild and crazy ride" on an enormous viola bow.

Universal ride engineers, reached for comment, said they did not expect to install the Faust ride at any point during the coming two eons. "But could you have him send in more proposals? That stuff's funny!" they added.

James is reportedly in the process of developing a modified Tilt-A-Whirl to be based on Wagner's Ring Cycle.

Batwing Causes Anal Bleeding, Claims Enthusiast

Batwing, the Vekoma Flyer at at widely-worshipped and beloved Six Flags America, causes anal bleeding, according to an enthusiast who rode it two days ago.

"That thing sucks!" sputtered Antoine Chavez, 30. "There's been blood in my stool all day from riding that piece of crap."

Under thorough examination, it was discovered that Batwing was possibly only an indirect cause of his gory discharge. Apparently the ride caused him severe headaches and neck strain, which led him to take large amounts of Motrin.

"Huh," said Chavez when shown the bottle of the pain reliever. "So you're only supposed to take six tablets in any 24 hour period, eh? Well, I took twenty. But I'm not fully convinced that my butt is hemorrhaging because I don't bother to read labels. I still think Batwing probed me or something."

--JCK

Coaster Enthusiast Hired as Expert for Montel Show

Coaster enthusiasts have certainly been seen before on daytime talk shows, generally on Springer, where they are frequently confronted by surprise guest Momma on how they need to "get [their] fat ass out of my trailer and get a job" or receive makeovers to pull them out of the depression they feel at not being laid even once by their fiftieth birthdays. However, in all of recorded history, not once has a coaster tool been hired as an expert commentator by a talk show, until now.

Last Monday, one lucky enthusiast was contracted by the Montel Show to appear as a regular guest. His duties consist of appearing on air as much as twice weekly to assist Montel Williams in reaching out to troubled people with his message of hope and conflict resolution.

"My extensive training in anger management, crisis resolution, and compassion for others makes me a natural candidate for this job," said the enthusiast. "Also, I told Montel I would follow him around, send him threatening letters, and call him up every half hour and pant to him on his phone if he didn't hire me."

His first taped episode aired this Monday. Titled "How to Get Someone Who Wants Nothing to do With You to Notice You by Stalking Them and Making Threats," this edition of Montel featured people who were depressed, as they desperately needed new ways to psychotically harass people. The insightful enthusiast gently counseled the deranged lunatics with his story of how he stated in a public forum that he planned to harass the unwilling object of his desires at both her office (which he would have to drive way out of the way for) and at a coaster event.

"It worked out great for me," he said to the stalkers. "I gained so much respect on the forums for threatening people publicly and not taking the hint that a chick thinks I'm a creep, I decided to make some more idiotic posts this year!"

He then regaled the deviant show guests with his exciting tale of graphic sex, cat mortality, his tragic expenditure of hundreds of dollars on a woman, and his obvious continued obsession about a girl after she dumped him years ago, explaining to the guests that "once you find love in your heart, it's perfectly normal and healthy to write extensive psycho posts about people for years upon years instead of getting a life and moving on."

He additionally recommended that, like him, the show's guests make insane rants in a Usenet discussion group instead of a moderated forum, as this would insure that possible incriminating statements would remain easily accessible to law enforcement agencies for decades to come, since posts on Usenet groups cannot generally be deleted.

Although only one episode of the Montel Show with the enthusiast as an expert has actually aired, fans should expect to see a great deal of him in upcoming weeks, especially if they are female. He appears twice next week; first he gives a sympathetic lecture to young losers in the episode titled "Do You Live With a Compulsive Liar?" In it, he will detail his shameful experience of making up wild sex tales to share with the readership of rec.roller-coaster, and the damage it did to his psyche to realize that bragging about imaginary conquests in no way made him more attractive to girls. After that, Montel viewers can look forward to a show called "But Officer, She Said She Was Eighteen!" In it, Montel's advisor will share with guests his interest in discussing, by name, what ride ops he thinks are hot, and also give advice in locating Age of Consent laws in various states.

Finally, he will make a surprise appearance on Montel in the episode called "Pets That Rape."

"It's true that the enthusiast wouldn't be an obvious candidate to counsel people who have been sodomized by their own pets, since he's our conflict management guy," noted Montel Williams. "But he shared with me his terrible ordeal of having a cat 'who always get[s] her way with [him]' and 'simply owns [him],' and we knew he was the perfect guy to help these poor pet owners deal with the grief Rover and Fluffy caused them."

Williams further noted his pride at having a new employee whose recent rec.roller-coaster thread had been named the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.

--JCK

Couple Wins Legal Battle Against Alton Towers

Farley Village residents and pottery makers Stephen and Suzanne Roper won a private prosecution ruling against neighboring Alton Towers today. The couple has fought the park for twenty-five years in an effort to keep noise levels down. In the decision, the judge noted that the roller coaster Oblivion is severely flawed, in that people scream while they are on it. Additionally, he spent a weekend with the Ropers to observe nearby Alton Towers, as well as view the couple's Demi Moore-Patrick Swayze-like pottery-making shenanigans, and concluded that mechanical noises, voices, and the pitter-patter of small woodland creatures were all noise ordinance violations. At a later hearing, it could be determined that Alton Towers could receive severe penalties for disturbing the people who live nearby.

"It's true that Alton Towers has been here longer," said the judge. "But that doesn't matter. We have to protect people in the local area, even if they are stupid enough to buy a house right next to an amusement park and think there won't be any bloody noise."

Pleased with their victory against the forces of fun and good, the Ropers have announced that they plan to purchase a Hummer and then bitch about how low the gas mileage is, buy an apartment across from a school and bitch about how many children are running around nearby, buy the Freddy Got Fingered Special Box Set DVD and bitch about how much it sucks, and buy their very own TOGO coaster and bitch about how it hurts their heads.

They also plan to continue spying on Jack Tripper in an effort to determine whether or not he is a homosexual.

--JCK

Internet Expert Demands: Top Thrill Dragster, Taer It Down!

Sandusky, Ohio

An emergency executive meeting was called Friday afternoon by Cedar Fair's CEO Dick Kinzel to address the future of Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point. ARN&R has learned that the sporadically running ride may be "reimagined" and may not open again as a roller coaster.

In its two seasons at Cedar Point, TTD has been a great success with the majority of the park's guests. "The general public doesn't seem to mind the frequent downtime of TTD. Heck, I've seen families that waited three hours to ride go right on over to a two-hour line Millennium Force without blinking an eye when told the ride will be down for the rest of the day. Regular folks from around these parts understand bad things just kind of happen," said a Cedar Point spokesman.

Coaster enthusiasts, it seems, are a bit harder to please. Over the years, Cedar Point has endured neverending accusations and rumors thrown about by their so-called biggest fans. Usually contained to junior high schools and internet postings, the latest message was delivered straight to the park. Found last week by a four year old in Camp Snoopy, it was made with letters cut from the latest ACE News pasted onto bright red construction paper. It contained just one demand "TAeR DOwn top ThriLL DragStER." It was not clear if the glued on glitter and Cheerios had been added by the child or were part of the original message.

ARN&R has learned that the hard copy of the message was merely a way to deliver the more forceful message found online:

Dismantle Top Thrill Dragster

Those chilling words were the centerpiece of a statement posted on rec.roller-coaster, a known haven for subversive coaster fans, all of whom have enormous expertise in the cost-benefit ratio of maintaining a coaster in its current status.

When asked if the company was taking the posting seriously Kinzel replied, "Goodness yes! How could you not? Someone takes the time to put extra space between words like that, you have to take notice."

Park security (aided by longtime Peanuts favorite Woodstock) is looking into the background of an underground group of rogue yet incredibly intelligent enthusiasts whose leader is known by the codename "ChrisCoaster." The notoriously secretive ChrisCoaster later added, "I will repeat: Dismantle Top Thrill Dragster or use the tallest part of it as an observation tower/restaurant. I for one wouldn't mind dining 40 stories above Lake Erie."

"That's a hell of an idea," said Kinzel in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "Sure, it'd be a little tricky to explain to our investors why we have a $25-plus million restaurant. On the other hand, this guy has visited our park twice in the last four years. Such a huge supporter of the park, with his extensive opportunities to review the engineering specifications, remedial plans, and all other technical information about the coaster obviously knows more about what is really going on than we do."

This same group is believed to be behind the removal of a coaster at another Cedar Fair property in 2003. Dorney Park's Hercules wooden roller coaster was shut down just before the end of the season without notice and dismantled soon after. It is thought that the pieces of Hercules given to attendees of this years Eastcoaster luncheon was to finally prove all the group's demands had been met, hoping that the group would then cease wielding its enormous power to intimidate the park chain.

--WL

Six Flags New England Improves Customer Service
 
According to recent visitors, Six Flags New England has made major efforts to improve what many felt was a park with terrible customer servive, infrastructure, and cleanliness.  This season, several Six Flags parks announced intentions to make their parks cleaner and prettier and focus on guest relations improvements instead of adding large new rides.  Amongst them, to the happy squeals of many, was SFNE.

Although sources tell ARN&R that the park still runs one train on everything, assigns seats on some coasters, keeps as surly and poorly-trained a staff as possible, charges obscene amounts for parking and food, and maintains its legendary three-foot film of raw human excrement on all bathroom floors and some paths, it nonetheless has made major strides in bettering itself.  Indeed, the park's copiously overflowing urinals all now feature two -count them, two!- sweet-smelling urinal cakes.

"We always used to keep just one urinal cake in each toilet," says an anonymous SFNE employee.  "We figured, why bother with more when the toilets all actively erupt like Yellowstone geysers every few minutes, and our clientele is of such low grade that they'll piss and crap all over the floor and sinks, anyway.  But it really makes a difference with the two cakes, I have to say.  It used to smell like shit and urine, and now it smells like shit, urine, and brain-damaging toxic industrial chemicals!"

According to the employee, in addition to the miraculous improvement of adding extra urinal cakes to its toilets, Six Flags New England also made the major guest relations enhancement of tuning the beat-up piano at the entrance of Houdini's Escape.

--JCK

National Millennium Force Publicly-Not-Fitting-in-Seat Nightmare Over

It's a beautiful day.  You just shelled out a ton of money to park at Cedar Point, enter Cedar Point, and buy lots of crap with Cedar Point logos on it.  You've been waiting in line for three hours to ride Millennium Force.  You've already made your own succulent gravy by stewing in the sun, your ears are numb from the booty music being blasted at you by the stupid line DJ, and your nerves are frazzled from pointing out dozens of inaccuracies in what the people around you are saying about roller coaster lift hill heights.  But sweet relief appears in front of you, as you approach the gate for the front seat.  That blessed, spectacular, and pant-creaming ride on MF looms seconds away.  Eagerly you board the train. 
 
And then, it happens.  You squirm, you struggle, you suck in that gut, you lop off body parts with that machete, but to no avail.  You simply won't fit in that Millennium Force car, with its damn new short seatbelt!
 
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
 
If this scenario causes you to awake late at night, sweating and screaming and shaking, then we have just the website for you.  Our Site O' the Weak, MF Test Seat Guide: Can You Fit? provides the valuable service of explaining, with helpful pictures and text, how to test yourself at home to see whether you fit in the MF seats, sparing you the mortal shame of being kicked off of this coaster in front of thousands because you can't squeeze in. 

More importantly, there are crotch shots for your viewing pleasure.

Despite repeated requests, we have been unable to ascertain whether, in the near future,  any coaster enthusiasts will be developing any home practice products for the following: pulling their shorts halfway up their chest, wearing black socks and flip-flops together, chanting "one more time, one more time" at ride ops at higher volume,  giving random uninterested strangers lectures on coaster manufacturers and brake types, or failing to get dates.

--JCK

Moonshine in Alabama

Note: Sometimes ARN&R is accused of making up stories.  To prove that the truth is more frightening than fiction we have conducted confidential interviews to bring you this disgusting deed, perpetrated by one of ACE’s highest-ranking members (no, not that one).  Some names have been changed to protect the scarred.

It was a hot day, the kind Alabama was known for in June.  The place was Bessemer, Alabama, home of Visionland Amusement Park and nothing else.  Back amongst the trees sat a large wooden monster called Rampage that enthusiasts were enjoying. But, these purveyors of coaster nonsense weren’t just having a day at the park, they were there for the annual event entitled Rip Roarin’ Rampage.

One enthusiast, whom we’ll call Tim, chatted with a friend, whom we’ll call Frank, in line.  They agreed the coaster had run great all day and was only getting better.

“It was a typical day at Visionland,” said Tim. “Good rides on Rampage, a dirty amusement park and a small crowd with ten teeth among them.”

Frank chimed in, “I remember our rides on Rampage like it was yesterday.  We queued for the back seat and noticed a badly dressed Coaster Tool in front of us.  However, with this being an ACE event that was commonplace throughout the day.”

The sun beat down as the pair climbed into the PTC train.  The seat belts were hot to the touch as Frank and Tim buckled in and lowered their lap bars.  Then, it happened.

Tim said, “I looked up and saw an ACE member trying to stand up from the train.  Of course it was a bit funny that he was too large to get out of the coaster train comfortably.  But then my jaw dropped.”

Standing in front of the pair was a rather large ACE member that was more than just “a little large.”  This gentleman stood up and featured so much girth that his pants and underwear stayed below in the seat because they got stuck.  Read that line again and let the thought of a large, pale, pimple-ridden white ass really sink in.

Shortly-thereafter Frank looked up and felt that he was staring at a car wreck.  He said, “It was one of the most disgusting things I have ever seen, but I just couldn’t look away.  All I could feel was my retinas burning.”

The aloof enthusiast tried to pull his pants up, but the damage had been done.  Other enthusiasts, yokels and locals had all seen our fearless leader put his pasty cheeks in front of everyone.  

While disgusting, we at ARN&R felt we had to share this story.  Hopefully it makes you realize that if all we did was tell the truth about enthusiasts this medium would be decidedly negative.

--FMB

Retirement of Ricky Williams Leaves Six Flags in Shock
 
The recent retirement of Miami Dolphins running back Ricky Williams, after only five seasons in the National Football League and just days before the opening of his team's training camp, came as a huge surprise.  It surprised the Miami Dolphins, whose hopes for the playoffs have all but vanished.  It surprised the NFL, which certainly enjoys marketing every major star it can.  It surprised about seven really naive people who never leave their houses that Williams hit the bong about seventy times a day and mentioned this as part of his individuality that football was crushing.

But it surprised Six Flags, Inc. the most.  Many people did not realize that the park chain giant held the exclusive rights to create park rides, attractions, and related merchandise themed to the All-Pro back.

"This may be the final nail in our coffin," announced Six Flags rep Ralph Waldo Blurpfer IV.  "It's not like we haven't had enough financial trouble as it is lately.  But we figured Ricky was a sure bet.  Who wouldn't have traveled across the world to experience a simulator or kiddie coaster or food item themed to an eccentric running back who took eighty percent of his team's carries the previous year?"

Blurpfer noted that Williams had received "gargantua" sums of money from Six Flags in exchange for the rights to use his likeness in any attractions or soft ice cream flavors at the chain's parks.  Blurpfer admitted that it was still possible the park would create new gigacoasters and stuffed koala bears themed to Williams, but it seemed more likely they would have to cancel anything that would have been Williams-themed, resulting in a huge financial hit, but not sinking the corporation even further into debt by creating attractions the public no longer wanted.

Blurpfer did note (off the record, naturally) that Six Flags, Inc., was also considering retheming the entire Williams entertainment package to widely-respected and dominant Ravens quarterback Kordell Stewart.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Lost in Canada Feared Deranged Hillbillies

According to a pair of coaster enthusiasts, Gabe Pappas and Darnell Cleaver, getting lost on a small Canadian road late at night was somewhat scary.  The time of apprehension for the pair occurred while they were traveling between La Ronde and Paramount’s Canada’s Wonderland, and were forced to detour onto small roads when the 401 was shut down due to a massive accident.

“We were really having a good time during our Canadian trip until then,” said Pappas.  “People were friendly, the cities were clean, we were able to feast upon mounds of poutine and suckle maple directly out of the trees, and pretty much nobody liked George W. Bush.  But then we hit that monster traffic problem, diverted into the wilderness, and couldn’t find our way back to the highway until about three in the morning.  Let me tell you, your mind starts racing in situations like that.”

Specifically, the pair became convinced that wild, scary, Deliverance-style inbred hicks would certainly descend upon them and commit violations to their buttocks.

“We were on this one particularly deserted stretch of country road,” said Cleaver.  “I was absolutely positive that some rednecks were going to jump out and tell us to ‘squeal like a pig, eh?’”

“Or, depending whether we were still in Quebec at that point, the rednecks might have leered at us, pointed their bows and arrows at us, and told us something like 'vous avez une belle bouche, garçon' instead,” said Pappas.  “Either way, it would have been pretty awful.”

The two enthusiasts did note that no incidents involving deranged, inbred crackers ended up occurring on the trip, and the pair arrived at their hotel late, but with their sphincters unviolated. 

--JCK