Aren't You Boycotting Us Yet?
If you weren't already boycotting us, we certainly hope you consider doing so again in our time of need. Please follow this link to "The new ARN&R Boycott for truth in reporting" thread at Ultimate Rollercoaster, and we feel quite certain that you will be shocked and horrified enough that you will never again visit ARN&R.
A few comments about this latest update to the fight against ARN&R:
-What do they mean by "[s]ome of those initials are in your mist?" It sounds moist and icky.
-The chicken and burger-rubbing fantasy is...er...uh...arousing?
-We appreciate the kind words, Pete_C...but reference your second question for clarification.
Hey, wait a minute! Why are you people still reading this? Go away! Boycott us now before it's too late! And if not for you, do it for the children.
--JCK
Monday, April 18, 2005
Tuesday, April 12, 2005
Disneyland Adds New Special Event Travel Package
Eager to please visitors who want to go that extra mile in pursuit of fun and whimsy, the Disneyland Resort in California has made available a number of exciting and heavily discounted travel packages to coincide with its "Celebrating 50 Years of Magical Memories" event, which runs from July 15-17. Among the cleverly themed offerings are Walt's Dream, which offers two nights at a Disney hotel, one day in the park, a handful of meals, trinkets, and seats at a few panel discussions for the insanely low cost of $1955.00 per person, and Roy's Plan, a very similar package that features a few less panel discussions and slightly fewer trinkets for the jaw-dropping bargain of $1750.00 per person.
Naturally, the incredible savings being offered by Disneyland for this once-in-a-millennium opportunity have made these limited travel packages sell briskly. With that in mind, Disney has generously announced that it will add another bargain travel package for its event. Although all property hotels are near capacity and most of the specific events mentioned in the other packages are booked solid, Disney promises that the customers who purchase "Goofy's Shaft" will have an incredibly fun time, all while being part of the big event and saving a ton of money over what they would pay just to visit the Disneyland Resort by normal methods.
Goofy's Shaft Will Include the Following:
- TWO (2) Nights Accommodation in Disney's Grand Californian Hotel parking lot (no cars, tents, campers, or sleeping bags, please).
- Continental breakfast at Downtown Disney's ESPN SportsZone (event attendees must pay for any food or drink consumed).
- Opportunity to shop at World of Disney superstore (no discounts available at this time).
- Exciting chance of a lifetime: "Be a Disney Food Service Worker." In this once-in-a-lifetime experience, event attendees will work preparing and serving food for twelve straight hours in a surprise restaurant in an actual Disney theme park.
- Opportunity to watch thousands of excited customers enter Disney's California Adventure from special reserved seating at back of theme park parking lot.
- Signed photographs of Disney movie stars. (Event attendees must provide photos, pen or pencil, and reasonably forged movie star signatures.)
- Disney Resort brochure and Disneyland park map.
- One (1) glass of warm tap water (night of 7/15 only).
- One (1) latex glove and one (1) scoop of vaseline (night of 7/16 only).
Tickets for the Goofy's Shaft event package are only $1,005.00, per person. Availability is limited to 500 Guests, so interested parties are encouraged to act quickly to reserve their place.
--JCK
Eager to please visitors who want to go that extra mile in pursuit of fun and whimsy, the Disneyland Resort in California has made available a number of exciting and heavily discounted travel packages to coincide with its "Celebrating 50 Years of Magical Memories" event, which runs from July 15-17. Among the cleverly themed offerings are Walt's Dream, which offers two nights at a Disney hotel, one day in the park, a handful of meals, trinkets, and seats at a few panel discussions for the insanely low cost of $1955.00 per person, and Roy's Plan, a very similar package that features a few less panel discussions and slightly fewer trinkets for the jaw-dropping bargain of $1750.00 per person.
Naturally, the incredible savings being offered by Disneyland for this once-in-a-millennium opportunity have made these limited travel packages sell briskly. With that in mind, Disney has generously announced that it will add another bargain travel package for its event. Although all property hotels are near capacity and most of the specific events mentioned in the other packages are booked solid, Disney promises that the customers who purchase "Goofy's Shaft" will have an incredibly fun time, all while being part of the big event and saving a ton of money over what they would pay just to visit the Disneyland Resort by normal methods.
Goofy's Shaft Will Include the Following:
- TWO (2) Nights Accommodation in Disney's Grand Californian Hotel parking lot (no cars, tents, campers, or sleeping bags, please).
- Continental breakfast at Downtown Disney's ESPN SportsZone (event attendees must pay for any food or drink consumed).
- Opportunity to shop at World of Disney superstore (no discounts available at this time).
- Exciting chance of a lifetime: "Be a Disney Food Service Worker." In this once-in-a-lifetime experience, event attendees will work preparing and serving food for twelve straight hours in a surprise restaurant in an actual Disney theme park.
- Opportunity to watch thousands of excited customers enter Disney's California Adventure from special reserved seating at back of theme park parking lot.
- Signed photographs of Disney movie stars. (Event attendees must provide photos, pen or pencil, and reasonably forged movie star signatures.)
- Disney Resort brochure and Disneyland park map.
- One (1) glass of warm tap water (night of 7/15 only).
- One (1) latex glove and one (1) scoop of vaseline (night of 7/16 only).
Tickets for the Goofy's Shaft event package are only $1,005.00, per person. Availability is limited to 500 Guests, so interested parties are encouraged to act quickly to reserve their place.
--JCK
Saturday, April 09, 2005
New Dostoevsky-Themed Amusement Park To Open In Czech Republic
In response to England's plan to build a Dickens-inspired park, the Czech government announced yesterday that it will be investing 78 million dollars on a new theme park to be inspired by the great works and life of Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky.
The park, which will span over ten square miles, will open with only six attractions. Park management has already declared they do not feel the need to add more attractions to the park, preferring that guests "wander through the void" in "a futile search for amusement." A source has indicated that the park will have no paths or signage.
The park's signature attraction, once guests find it, will be "Notes from the Underground," for which the park will be building a 2,400-seat amphitheater. Upon entering the ride, guests will be strapped and locked into their seats while headphones designed to block out all external noise will be fitted on their heads. At this point, the lights will go out and the guests will sit in the amphitheater in black silence. The ride time for this attraction is estimated to be approximately 7 hours.
Other elements planned for the park include The Brothers Karamazov costumed characters, the Crime and Punishment food court, and the Russian Winter skyride, whose cars will be set at -17 degrees fahrenheit and will
contain no windows.
The park expects to make its primary profit from the Dostoevsky Midway. Games on the midway will cost $100 to play, and offer no chance of winning. Guests will, however, be allowed to play on credit.
--MOS
In response to England's plan to build a Dickens-inspired park, the Czech government announced yesterday that it will be investing 78 million dollars on a new theme park to be inspired by the great works and life of Russian novelist Fyodor Dostoevsky.
The park, which will span over ten square miles, will open with only six attractions. Park management has already declared they do not feel the need to add more attractions to the park, preferring that guests "wander through the void" in "a futile search for amusement." A source has indicated that the park will have no paths or signage.
The park's signature attraction, once guests find it, will be "Notes from the Underground," for which the park will be building a 2,400-seat amphitheater. Upon entering the ride, guests will be strapped and locked into their seats while headphones designed to block out all external noise will be fitted on their heads. At this point, the lights will go out and the guests will sit in the amphitheater in black silence. The ride time for this attraction is estimated to be approximately 7 hours.
Other elements planned for the park include The Brothers Karamazov costumed characters, the Crime and Punishment food court, and the Russian Winter skyride, whose cars will be set at -17 degrees fahrenheit and will
contain no windows.
The park expects to make its primary profit from the Dostoevsky Midway. Games on the midway will cost $100 to play, and offer no chance of winning. Guests will, however, be allowed to play on credit.
--MOS
Friday, April 08, 2005
South of the Border Raided By Minuteman Project
Pedroland Park Maintenance Director Steve Johansson had quite a scare when he started his rounds this morning. That is because members of the Minuteman Project were raiding his facility, looking for illegal aliens, specifically one named "Pedro."
Johansson said, "I tried to explain that our park is often called Pedroland, but they wouldn’t listen. All I heard was something that sounded like white trash speak and an occasional 'Git er done,' whatever the hell that means."
The Minuteman Project, a human hunting expedition gathered on Arizona's border by gun-toting rednecks, has garnered interest through a powerful media blitz. Good upstanding citizens, a majority of whom are associated with white supremacist and militia separatist groups, are patrolling the border looking for illegal aliens. One Aryan site that linked to the Minuteman Project’s website said it was "A call for action on part of ALL ARYAN SOLDIERS." Klassy with a K! Indeed, possibly three Ks!
According to Johansson during the takeover Minuteman Project members were incensed and told him they would kill all of the staff if they did not disclose Pedro's identity. He said, "I just kept telling them that he was a rodent with Mexican flair, but they didn’t believe me. When they found out that we had a coaster called Pedro’s Mouse, the shit really hit the fan."
This ARN&R reporter was able to catch up with one of the Minuteman Project leaders shortly after they raided the dangerous illegal alien hangout. The member, whose name I agreed to keep secret (but can be easily reached through the NAMBLA website) said he didn’t understand how things got so out of control. "One minute I was watching NASCAR and drinking Miller High Life, the next I was banging my sister and a few weeks later I was in South Carolina looking for a cartoon mouse. This is some really f*cked up shit."
At press time ARN&R contacts at the Minuteman Project could not confirm whether Speedy Gonzales at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom was their next intended target. As always, we will stay on top of this story as it unfolds.
--FMB
Pedroland Park Maintenance Director Steve Johansson had quite a scare when he started his rounds this morning. That is because members of the Minuteman Project were raiding his facility, looking for illegal aliens, specifically one named "Pedro."
Johansson said, "I tried to explain that our park is often called Pedroland, but they wouldn’t listen. All I heard was something that sounded like white trash speak and an occasional 'Git er done,' whatever the hell that means."
The Minuteman Project, a human hunting expedition gathered on Arizona's border by gun-toting rednecks, has garnered interest through a powerful media blitz. Good upstanding citizens, a majority of whom are associated with white supremacist and militia separatist groups, are patrolling the border looking for illegal aliens. One Aryan site that linked to the Minuteman Project’s website said it was "A call for action on part of ALL ARYAN SOLDIERS." Klassy with a K! Indeed, possibly three Ks!
According to Johansson during the takeover Minuteman Project members were incensed and told him they would kill all of the staff if they did not disclose Pedro's identity. He said, "I just kept telling them that he was a rodent with Mexican flair, but they didn’t believe me. When they found out that we had a coaster called Pedro’s Mouse, the shit really hit the fan."
This ARN&R reporter was able to catch up with one of the Minuteman Project leaders shortly after they raided the dangerous illegal alien hangout. The member, whose name I agreed to keep secret (but can be easily reached through the NAMBLA website) said he didn’t understand how things got so out of control. "One minute I was watching NASCAR and drinking Miller High Life, the next I was banging my sister and a few weeks later I was in South Carolina looking for a cartoon mouse. This is some really f*cked up shit."
At press time ARN&R contacts at the Minuteman Project could not confirm whether Speedy Gonzales at Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom was their next intended target. As always, we will stay on top of this story as it unfolds.
--FMB
Tuesday, April 05, 2005
God Endorses ARN&R
Recently a site called "Evangelism: The [clock clip art] Is Now!" announced that our site, Absolutely Reliable, is regarded as historically accurate as the Old Testament.
On page 3 of 4 in a section entitled "Section 7, Chapter 3," the website, which channels the J-man directly, proclaimed that: "The Old Testament: Absolutely Reliable Historically." We know there must have been some syntax error when they put that colon in. It probably was supposed to be a "&" or a ";" or even an "and this other kick-ass site." Whatever the grammar mistake, we know where your hearts lie.
However, after pursuing your site, Lay Evangelism Folks, we don't know if we can work in tandem with you. The way you accost husky people at picnic tables and give bad reasons why I need to leave my part-time job at the Condom Clatch ("Until America sees that our bringing the Gospel to them is more important than our jobs, our Church buildings and land and all that this world has to offer, they won't even consider the message of Jesus' love and forgiveness or turn to Christ."), I really don't know if ARN&R can support what you do.
However, I will say that the cover of "Heaven & Hell: An Absolute Reality" is sassy with its poetic nod to the theater lover in all of us.
Although I may sound skeptical, I know that you are the real deal and not some money-grubbing evangelical. Because, after all, God definitely has a website that looks like this: http://www.layevangelism.com. You truly are a great group of Christians and we thank you for working so hard to make money off an executed guy from 2000 years ago. Because, much like Pontius Pilate, your disciple Robert says, "I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards." Praise Jesus.
--FMB
Recently a site called "Evangelism: The [clock clip art] Is Now!" announced that our site, Absolutely Reliable, is regarded as historically accurate as the Old Testament.
On page 3 of 4 in a section entitled "Section 7, Chapter 3," the website, which channels the J-man directly, proclaimed that: "The Old Testament: Absolutely Reliable Historically." We know there must have been some syntax error when they put that colon in. It probably was supposed to be a "&" or a ";" or even an "and this other kick-ass site." Whatever the grammar mistake, we know where your hearts lie.
However, after pursuing your site, Lay Evangelism Folks, we don't know if we can work in tandem with you. The way you accost husky people at picnic tables and give bad reasons why I need to leave my part-time job at the Condom Clatch ("Until America sees that our bringing the Gospel to them is more important than our jobs, our Church buildings and land and all that this world has to offer, they won't even consider the message of Jesus' love and forgiveness or turn to Christ."), I really don't know if ARN&R can support what you do.
However, I will say that the cover of "Heaven & Hell: An Absolute Reality" is sassy with its poetic nod to the theater lover in all of us.
Although I may sound skeptical, I know that you are the real deal and not some money-grubbing evangelical. Because, after all, God definitely has a website that looks like this: http://www.layevangelism.com. You truly are a great group of Christians and we thank you for working so hard to make money off an executed guy from 2000 years ago. Because, much like Pontius Pilate, your disciple Robert says, "I wasn't drunk when I wrote that one, the hate is always there when it comes to cheap Jew bastards." Praise Jesus.
--FMB
Monday, April 04, 2005
Fantasy Focus
It's that time of year we've all been waiting for: the 2005 Fantasy Coaster Design Firm season is just around the corner. After an offseason of breathless anticipation, fantasy owners are readying their cheat sheets and projections for the coming year. With most drafts happening over the next two weeks, ARN&R is here to provide helpful strategy that will enable you to dominate your league. Today, we present our first in a series of looks at five major design firms and let you know when (or if) you should draft them.
Intamin
Whether you use head-to-head, roto, or a point system, Intamin is a fantasy force for its owner in any league, and will be the first firm taken in numerous drafts. With its popular launched rides, including the record-setting Kingda Ka, steel hypers, and a smaller, but highly regarded, line of woodies, Intamin is a rare five-cat stud. There are only two concerns with drafting this company: first, injuries are always a concern. Secondly, be sure whether or not your league features categories that penalize design firms for excessive downtime, lawsuits, or chunks of rides flying off and hitting people at a hundred miles per hour. Should this be the case, Intamin still warrants a high first round pick due to its monster production in the power and speed cats, but downgrade it somewhat due to its weakness in those non-standard maintenance categories.
Bolliger & Mabillard
Because of its lack of a wood coaster division, B&M can't help owners at all in one major category. However, the company has consistently put up superior numbers in all other major cats for the better part of the past decade, and shows no signs of slowing down yet. B&M is certain to fly off the board in the top five on draft day, and will go as high as the very first pick in some leagues due to its remarkable ability to stay off the DL, unlike other top firms such as Intamin. In leagues that reward secondary stats like smoothness of inversions, and in those that divide steel looping coasters into smaller scoring units such as Floorless, Inverted, and Sit-Down, B&M's numbers are absolutely filthy; if you count stats in this fashion, do anything you can, short of killing other owners, to obtain this firm.
Great Coasters International, Inc.
GCII is the perfect example of how a design firm's value can fluctuate based on the type of fantasy league you belong to. In standard H2H leagues and standard points leagues, GCII is being drafted, on average, in the early tenth round, but has been going as high as the late first round in roto leagues. The important thing to know about GCII is that, without a steel division or even true out and back wood rides on its docket, it functions as a classic one-cat stud. Be aware that the fact that GCII builds only one general type of coaster, and constructs a relatively low number of rides yearly, means that the firm probably won't provide enough overall points in those H2H or points matchups. However, in roto leagues, the fact that GCII will almost automatically win you the Wood Twister cat single-handedly, while providing excellent secondary numbers in categories like crossovers, rolling stock, and WHIP, makes it well worth a second round pick, so long as you grabbed a multi-category stud in the first round.
The Gravity Group
The Gravity Group is one of our top sleeper picks this season. Drafted, on average, in the 21st round of standard roto leagues, it's obvious this company has flown under the radar of most owners, hopefully including everyone else in your league. Known thus far for consulting work and structures for refurbishment projects, this firm doesn't have a lot of gaudy stats to attract fantasy newbies. But keep in mind that Coasters America rated this company the top prospect for this year even before it got its major league call-up to construct Hades. Once that ride hits Wisconsin this summer, your fellow owners will be offering you free hand jobs to pry the Group loose for their team (assuming you were smart enough to grab this breakout candidate first, that is). We're projecting borderline top-fifteen stats from this firm, which will make it a mega-bargain even if you jump ahead of its current average draft position and grab it in the mid-teen rounds. It goes without saying that this squad is a tip-top keeper option, as well.
Premier Rides
This is the ultimate in high-risk, high-reward draft picks. Although Premier burst onto the scene in 1996 as a one of the highest-rated prospects ever, with major power potential and the always-desired high pockets, its career has been somewhat of a disappointment. Lately, the firm seems as if it may be shaking loose from its decade-long doldrums: the opening of the two Mummy attractions last season made Premier a moderate sleeper for owners who had remained patient enough to hold on to it, while this season will see the debut of the two massively themed Italian Job rides. There are two schools of thought on Premier. One is that the success of the Mummy rides was a fluke, and the company will quickly return to its disappointing career totals; the other sees the Mummy rides as a rebirth of Premier, and that the lucky owner of the firm this year will reap massive multi-category rewards. We'd like to see this happen, but we're projecting a sharp nose-dive from last season. We advise drafting this firm with great caution, but if Premier is still around after the 25th round, it's a risk worth taking.
--JCK
It's that time of year we've all been waiting for: the 2005 Fantasy Coaster Design Firm season is just around the corner. After an offseason of breathless anticipation, fantasy owners are readying their cheat sheets and projections for the coming year. With most drafts happening over the next two weeks, ARN&R is here to provide helpful strategy that will enable you to dominate your league. Today, we present our first in a series of looks at five major design firms and let you know when (or if) you should draft them.
Intamin
Whether you use head-to-head, roto, or a point system, Intamin is a fantasy force for its owner in any league, and will be the first firm taken in numerous drafts. With its popular launched rides, including the record-setting Kingda Ka, steel hypers, and a smaller, but highly regarded, line of woodies, Intamin is a rare five-cat stud. There are only two concerns with drafting this company: first, injuries are always a concern. Secondly, be sure whether or not your league features categories that penalize design firms for excessive downtime, lawsuits, or chunks of rides flying off and hitting people at a hundred miles per hour. Should this be the case, Intamin still warrants a high first round pick due to its monster production in the power and speed cats, but downgrade it somewhat due to its weakness in those non-standard maintenance categories.
Bolliger & Mabillard
Because of its lack of a wood coaster division, B&M can't help owners at all in one major category. However, the company has consistently put up superior numbers in all other major cats for the better part of the past decade, and shows no signs of slowing down yet. B&M is certain to fly off the board in the top five on draft day, and will go as high as the very first pick in some leagues due to its remarkable ability to stay off the DL, unlike other top firms such as Intamin. In leagues that reward secondary stats like smoothness of inversions, and in those that divide steel looping coasters into smaller scoring units such as Floorless, Inverted, and Sit-Down, B&M's numbers are absolutely filthy; if you count stats in this fashion, do anything you can, short of killing other owners, to obtain this firm.
Great Coasters International, Inc.
GCII is the perfect example of how a design firm's value can fluctuate based on the type of fantasy league you belong to. In standard H2H leagues and standard points leagues, GCII is being drafted, on average, in the early tenth round, but has been going as high as the late first round in roto leagues. The important thing to know about GCII is that, without a steel division or even true out and back wood rides on its docket, it functions as a classic one-cat stud. Be aware that the fact that GCII builds only one general type of coaster, and constructs a relatively low number of rides yearly, means that the firm probably won't provide enough overall points in those H2H or points matchups. However, in roto leagues, the fact that GCII will almost automatically win you the Wood Twister cat single-handedly, while providing excellent secondary numbers in categories like crossovers, rolling stock, and WHIP, makes it well worth a second round pick, so long as you grabbed a multi-category stud in the first round.
The Gravity Group
The Gravity Group is one of our top sleeper picks this season. Drafted, on average, in the 21st round of standard roto leagues, it's obvious this company has flown under the radar of most owners, hopefully including everyone else in your league. Known thus far for consulting work and structures for refurbishment projects, this firm doesn't have a lot of gaudy stats to attract fantasy newbies. But keep in mind that Coasters America rated this company the top prospect for this year even before it got its major league call-up to construct Hades. Once that ride hits Wisconsin this summer, your fellow owners will be offering you free hand jobs to pry the Group loose for their team (assuming you were smart enough to grab this breakout candidate first, that is). We're projecting borderline top-fifteen stats from this firm, which will make it a mega-bargain even if you jump ahead of its current average draft position and grab it in the mid-teen rounds. It goes without saying that this squad is a tip-top keeper option, as well.
Premier Rides
This is the ultimate in high-risk, high-reward draft picks. Although Premier burst onto the scene in 1996 as a one of the highest-rated prospects ever, with major power potential and the always-desired high pockets, its career has been somewhat of a disappointment. Lately, the firm seems as if it may be shaking loose from its decade-long doldrums: the opening of the two Mummy attractions last season made Premier a moderate sleeper for owners who had remained patient enough to hold on to it, while this season will see the debut of the two massively themed Italian Job rides. There are two schools of thought on Premier. One is that the success of the Mummy rides was a fluke, and the company will quickly return to its disappointing career totals; the other sees the Mummy rides as a rebirth of Premier, and that the lucky owner of the firm this year will reap massive multi-category rewards. We'd like to see this happen, but we're projecting a sharp nose-dive from last season. We advise drafting this firm with great caution, but if Premier is still around after the 25th round, it's a risk worth taking.
--JCK
Sunday, April 03, 2005
Area Coaster Enthusiast "Totally Screwed" By Daylight Savings Time
According to area coaster enthusiast Joel McMasters, 35, Daylight Savings Time is a "bitch."
McMasters reached this conclusion shortly after discovering that his VCR had failed today to tape the long-awaited Travel Channel special Most Extreme Ride Op Shenanigans. The reason for the non-taping was because McMasters had set the device to record the show without realizing that clocks would all need to be moved forward one hour early this morning.
"That Daylight Savings Time crap totally screwed me!" the enthusiast lamented. "I wanted to have that show in my library, and now I've got some Travel Channel crap about Italy instead. My life is ruined."
Legal experts refused to speculate to ARN&R on whether McMasters has valid grounds to sue Daylight Savings Time or not.
--JCK
According to area coaster enthusiast Joel McMasters, 35, Daylight Savings Time is a "bitch."
McMasters reached this conclusion shortly after discovering that his VCR had failed today to tape the long-awaited Travel Channel special Most Extreme Ride Op Shenanigans. The reason for the non-taping was because McMasters had set the device to record the show without realizing that clocks would all need to be moved forward one hour early this morning.
"That Daylight Savings Time crap totally screwed me!" the enthusiast lamented. "I wanted to have that show in my library, and now I've got some Travel Channel crap about Italy instead. My life is ruined."
Legal experts refused to speculate to ARN&R on whether McMasters has valid grounds to sue Daylight Savings Time or not.
--JCK
Friday, April 01, 2005
Ultimate Rollercoaster Fires English Professor
As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.
"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."
According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.
Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:
That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?
Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster?
...one park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...
the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi
"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."
"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.
--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)
As full-time Associate Professor of English at Ultimate Rollercoaster, Dr. James Wilton had a good job, benefits, and lots of time off in the summer. That all changed when he was unceremoniously fired for gross incompetence this week, just two years from achieving tenure. Now the formerly beloved teacher will be forced to seek work elsewhere, always carrying this blemish on his record.
"I did what I could," said a distraught Wilton, as he somehow packed all of his office belongings into one cardboard box. "I assumed that, with my dedicated help, many of these youngsters would eventually be able to spell and use English grammar in a way that made their posts somewhat comprehensible. I even thought I might get some of our problem cases to be able to write at a first or even second grade level within a year or two. But I failed. I failed miserably."
According to an administration official who asked not to be identified, there had been "ample evidence" of Wilton's failures as an English professor on display in thousands of illegible URC posts visible to the general public over the past year. However, the move to fire the teacher was only made when the particularly galling "Gwazi at Busch Gardens Tampa Florida" thread was recently discovered by URC officials.
Among the atrocities against the English language cited by URC administrators were the following actual quotes from the thread:
That ride is really cool best wooden rollercoaster I have ever rided on!!! Who has rided it and agrees with me?
Is it a Jeckel and Heide Coaster?
...one park KNOWS how to operate there ride & maitenance it...
the ride your talking about is no fun it is really dumb I like Gwazi
"I've never said this in two decades of teaching English," said Wilton. "But it just might be that there is no hope for some of these posters. The children may be our future, you may teach them well, but maybe you don't want them leading the way."
"If that Ultimate Rollercoaster thread is what got me fired, the least you can do is make it the Absolutely Reliable News and Rumors Site O' the Weak," added Wilton, just before leaving his office forever.
--JCK (From an Idea by WDL)
Monday, March 28, 2005
ARN&R: Minor Local Celebrity Gossip Clearing House
We recently received the following message at ARN&R's contact email from someone named Kaye Hard. We swear we have reprinted it verbatim below:
While watching the news tonight, John Tracy was teasing Meghan about being at the station 24 hours and she commented something about not much of a wife. Has she remarried? Thank you, a faithful listener.
Naturally, ARN&R makes it a point of pride to know all about the personal lives of obscure Alaskan news reporters. Of course we know whether or not Meghan has remarried. We just don't feel like telling you. Frankly, your deep interest in the subject is a little stalkerrific for our taste. So sorry. Thank you for playing, and please pick up your consolation surprises backstage.
--JCK
We recently received the following message at ARN&R's contact email from someone named Kaye Hard. We swear we have reprinted it verbatim below:
While watching the news tonight, John Tracy was teasing Meghan about being at the station 24 hours and she commented something about not much of a wife. Has she remarried? Thank you, a faithful listener.
Naturally, ARN&R makes it a point of pride to know all about the personal lives of obscure Alaskan news reporters. Of course we know whether or not Meghan has remarried. We just don't feel like telling you. Frankly, your deep interest in the subject is a little stalkerrific for our taste. So sorry. Thank you for playing, and please pick up your consolation surprises backstage.
--JCK
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Six Flags Elitch Gardens Clarifies Name of New Ride
Excited patrons of Six Flags Elitch Gardens learned earlier this week that there would be the addition of a thrilling new "extreme water ride" to the park this year. Unfortunately, the actual name of the new attraction was released improperly by SFEG, according to the park. Although the waterslide was announced as "EDGE," apparently that is only part of its full moniker.
"It's the darndest thing," said Elitch Gardens spokesman Chase Figgins. "We thought we had everything ready to go, but someone must have accidentally cut off half of the press release when they made photocopies. The announcement therefore said we were calling our new ride 'EDGE,' but it was supposed to be 'EDGE of Seventeen.' And the press release mentioned all the thrills of the ride itself, but due to the photocopying mistake, the thrilling discussion of the attraction's elaborate theming was also left out."
According to Figgins, the entire ride will be themed to resemble a massive white winged dove, while the "hard-pumping rock hits" of Stevie Nicks will blast from loudspeakers installed in the ride's rafts themselves. Ride operators will be clad entirely in leather and lace.
"This ride is going to be a landslide of thrills," said the park rep. "When people ride it, I guarantee they're going to be yelling 'ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.'"
-JCK
Excited patrons of Six Flags Elitch Gardens learned earlier this week that there would be the addition of a thrilling new "extreme water ride" to the park this year. Unfortunately, the actual name of the new attraction was released improperly by SFEG, according to the park. Although the waterslide was announced as "EDGE," apparently that is only part of its full moniker.
"It's the darndest thing," said Elitch Gardens spokesman Chase Figgins. "We thought we had everything ready to go, but someone must have accidentally cut off half of the press release when they made photocopies. The announcement therefore said we were calling our new ride 'EDGE,' but it was supposed to be 'EDGE of Seventeen.' And the press release mentioned all the thrills of the ride itself, but due to the photocopying mistake, the thrilling discussion of the attraction's elaborate theming was also left out."
According to Figgins, the entire ride will be themed to resemble a massive white winged dove, while the "hard-pumping rock hits" of Stevie Nicks will blast from loudspeakers installed in the ride's rafts themselves. Ride operators will be clad entirely in leather and lace.
"This ride is going to be a landslide of thrills," said the park rep. "When people ride it, I guarantee they're going to be yelling 'ooh, baby, ooh, said ooh.'"
-JCK
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