Marineland Revisits Dragon Mountain Theming
Dragon Mountain, an Arrow four-inversion steel coaster located at Marineland, is one of the more unusual rides in existence. Part of the reason for its uniqueness is its sprawling layout, part is for some intriguing elements such as the dark tunnels and bowtie double inversion, and part is because of the bizarre unfinished theming that has permeated the area around the track since the coaster was first erected in 1983.
Some of the theming has always been in place, including the ominous carved entryway leading to a cavern containing the coaster's loading area. But other areas, primarily a massive volcano and a large recreation of nearby Niagara Falls, were never completed. Strangely enough, the decision to abandon these theming elements was made well into the ride's actual construction, so both large structures were partially built, but never brought close to fruition. Instead, passengers on Dragon Mountain have for years been treated to the gorgeous and inspiring sight of two huge piles of filthy, rusting steel that form the barely-begun volcano and waterfall.
ARN&R is pleased to report that Marineland has listened to the thousands of complaints it has received over the years, and has finally begun the long-awaited task of finishing the elaborate theming for this coaster. Soon visitors will not be faced with hideous, completely oxidized steel frameworks but with incredible scenery.
Of course, that scenery won't be exactly what people are expecting. Indeed, the park's managers felt that the original ideas had become overplayed and cliched in today's market, so they wanted to go for something more distinctive and original. With that in mind, the plans for a fiery volcano and roaring set of falls have been replaced with a fresh, creative, avant-garde interpretation, where the ugly metal supports are merely covered with a giant Hefty bag.
The new garbage-bag-enshrouded, corroded, collapsing metal is anticipated to be ready to entertain throngs of smiling visitors as soon as this weekend.
--JCK
Thursday, April 20, 2006
Monday, April 17, 2006
Park Patron Educated by Pencil-Necked Geek
According to Midland-Odessa cow semen milker Billy Ron Hunt, he recently learned some interesting facts about Six Flags Texas during a visit to the theme park with some friends. Unexpectedly, the informative tidbits were gleaned not from park brochures or ride operators, but from a pencil-necked geek standing nearby in the massive queue for Titan.
"I was telling my buddies about how Titan was the tallest coaster in the world and this little nerd a few people away leaned over and said that I was wrong, and that the world's tallest coaster was actually at another Six Flags in New Jersey. Who woulda thunk it?"
But that was not all the education the group received from the dork. At various points during their wait for a ride on Titan, they were fortunate enough to have the geek lean in and correct their errant views about roller coasters. For instance, they were told in no uncertain terms that the Texas Giant was not the first roller coaster ever made, that the Flashback did not feature the most loops of any ride in the country, and that Mr. Freeze was not a ride worthy of consideration for top ten steel lists. The last bit of news was the most interesting to the group, as all four of them had Freeze ranked in their top three until learning from the nerd how stupid their coaster opinions were.
"It was real great having someone tell us all that stuff," said Hunt. "We never woulda known. It was so interesting that I still remembered most of what that guy said even after I kicked his ass."
--JCK
According to Midland-Odessa cow semen milker Billy Ron Hunt, he recently learned some interesting facts about Six Flags Texas during a visit to the theme park with some friends. Unexpectedly, the informative tidbits were gleaned not from park brochures or ride operators, but from a pencil-necked geek standing nearby in the massive queue for Titan.
"I was telling my buddies about how Titan was the tallest coaster in the world and this little nerd a few people away leaned over and said that I was wrong, and that the world's tallest coaster was actually at another Six Flags in New Jersey. Who woulda thunk it?"
But that was not all the education the group received from the dork. At various points during their wait for a ride on Titan, they were fortunate enough to have the geek lean in and correct their errant views about roller coasters. For instance, they were told in no uncertain terms that the Texas Giant was not the first roller coaster ever made, that the Flashback did not feature the most loops of any ride in the country, and that Mr. Freeze was not a ride worthy of consideration for top ten steel lists. The last bit of news was the most interesting to the group, as all four of them had Freeze ranked in their top three until learning from the nerd how stupid their coaster opinions were.
"It was real great having someone tell us all that stuff," said Hunt. "We never woulda known. It was so interesting that I still remembered most of what that guy said even after I kicked his ass."
--JCK
Saturday, April 15, 2006
Yale Library Gets Surprisingly Low Marks
In a recent review by the Coalition of American Libraries, the libraries of Yale University were given a surprising thumbs down, as COAL derided the collection as "underwhelming" and "deficient in scholarly works in some important areas of modern research." The review came as more than a mild shock to the departmental heads at Yale's libraries, considering that the overall university collection ranks as the fourth largest in the United States (after only the Library of Congress, Harvard, and the Boston Public Library) and for decades has been acclaimed as one of the top scholarly research institutions in the world. So what led to the poor scores?
"Roller coasters," said COAL's Vice President of Academic Library Review P. Piers Woodhouse IV. "Or, should I say, the near complete lack thereof."
Woodhouse derided Yale for maintaining a roller coaster literature collection that consists of a mere two books, Robert Cartmell's Incredible Scream Machine and Todd Throgmorton's Roller Coasters. "The Cartmell book is a classic, and they do get some positive points for at least having that one," he said. "But to have such a woefully inadequate set of texts on coasters, and not a single Discovery Channel special or Robb Alvey onboard video in their media holdings, is truly pathetic."
"It amazes me how this university has squandered its ample library funds," Woodhouse added. "They have this utterly huge main library, Sterling Memorial, with fifteen floors of books, and entire massive branches devoted to the Divinity School, music, arts and architecture, science, and many other disciplines. There should be a completely separate branch to house a massive and world-renowned coaster-related collection, and they don't even devote a single shelf to one. Bah!"
Woodhouse also complained about the Beinecke Rare Book Library at Yale, a translucent marble facility that houses valuable and fragile books, in particular two original Gutenberg bibles. "This just shows how little interest Yale is taking in a field as important and relevant as roller coaster research," he said. "To think that a special display would be made for anything created by the insipid star of Police Academy and Can't Stop the Music, while the works of David Bennett and Mark Wyatt lay ignored, is a travesty."
He also pointed out that although Yale is in "excellent shape" in "relatively obscure and unimportant areas" of its holdings, such as British literature, math, history, and political systems, it was unfortunately also "criminally deficient" in a number of other disciplines, including Star Trek novels, classic Dungeons & Dragons dungeon master guidebooks, Steven Seagal movies, and hardcore Japanese stroke mags.
COAL stated in its official criticism of Yale that the university would be given six months to substantially improve its insufficient collections or risk losing accreditation from the Coalition.
--JCK
In a recent review by the Coalition of American Libraries, the libraries of Yale University were given a surprising thumbs down, as COAL derided the collection as "underwhelming" and "deficient in scholarly works in some important areas of modern research." The review came as more than a mild shock to the departmental heads at Yale's libraries, considering that the overall university collection ranks as the fourth largest in the United States (after only the Library of Congress, Harvard, and the Boston Public Library) and for decades has been acclaimed as one of the top scholarly research institutions in the world. So what led to the poor scores?
"Roller coasters," said COAL's Vice President of Academic Library Review P. Piers Woodhouse IV. "Or, should I say, the near complete lack thereof."
Woodhouse derided Yale for maintaining a roller coaster literature collection that consists of a mere two books, Robert Cartmell's Incredible Scream Machine and Todd Throgmorton's Roller Coasters. "The Cartmell book is a classic, and they do get some positive points for at least having that one," he said. "But to have such a woefully inadequate set of texts on coasters, and not a single Discovery Channel special or Robb Alvey onboard video in their media holdings, is truly pathetic."
"It amazes me how this university has squandered its ample library funds," Woodhouse added. "They have this utterly huge main library, Sterling Memorial, with fifteen floors of books, and entire massive branches devoted to the Divinity School, music, arts and architecture, science, and many other disciplines. There should be a completely separate branch to house a massive and world-renowned coaster-related collection, and they don't even devote a single shelf to one. Bah!"
Woodhouse also complained about the Beinecke Rare Book Library at Yale, a translucent marble facility that houses valuable and fragile books, in particular two original Gutenberg bibles. "This just shows how little interest Yale is taking in a field as important and relevant as roller coaster research," he said. "To think that a special display would be made for anything created by the insipid star of Police Academy and Can't Stop the Music, while the works of David Bennett and Mark Wyatt lay ignored, is a travesty."
He also pointed out that although Yale is in "excellent shape" in "relatively obscure and unimportant areas" of its holdings, such as British literature, math, history, and political systems, it was unfortunately also "criminally deficient" in a number of other disciplines, including Star Trek novels, classic Dungeons & Dragons dungeon master guidebooks, Steven Seagal movies, and hardcore Japanese stroke mags.
COAL stated in its official criticism of Yale that the university would be given six months to substantially improve its insufficient collections or risk losing accreditation from the Coalition.
--JCK
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
Can't Let This Boo-Boo Go
Okay, we try to realize that reporters aren't always going to know a bunch of geeky coaster terminology, so we give them some leeway when they write about our hobby. Frankly, if we busted the media for not recognizing the difference between a suspended and inverted coaster, or got pouty because someone failed to report who did the trackwork on our favorite ride, it would just be silly. That's the enthusiast's job to worry about that stuff, and ARN&R's job to make fun of those enthusiasts. As long as reporters get somewhere in the correct ballpark, that's cool. After all, we don't tell the photojournalists what F-stop to use if cloudy but backlit conditions (though, now that we think about it, we actually could if we really felt like it and saw them doing it wrong), so why would we care if they make a distinction between a new ride's ejector versus floaty air and crap like that?
However, we've got to draw the line somewhere when it comes to media ignorance of our hobby, and that line is here, where a reprinted Washington Times article refers to Six Flags America's removed Iron Eagle flat ride/torture device as a "roller coaster." Please.
There's also the usual local media's fawning over Mark Shapiro as he grandstands at yet another Six Flags property, something of which we've grown extremely weary after the fortieth time. The combo is sufficiently grating enough to make this our Site O' the Weak.
--JCK
Okay, we try to realize that reporters aren't always going to know a bunch of geeky coaster terminology, so we give them some leeway when they write about our hobby. Frankly, if we busted the media for not recognizing the difference between a suspended and inverted coaster, or got pouty because someone failed to report who did the trackwork on our favorite ride, it would just be silly. That's the enthusiast's job to worry about that stuff, and ARN&R's job to make fun of those enthusiasts. As long as reporters get somewhere in the correct ballpark, that's cool. After all, we don't tell the photojournalists what F-stop to use if cloudy but backlit conditions (though, now that we think about it, we actually could if we really felt like it and saw them doing it wrong), so why would we care if they make a distinction between a new ride's ejector versus floaty air and crap like that?
However, we've got to draw the line somewhere when it comes to media ignorance of our hobby, and that line is here, where a reprinted Washington Times article refers to Six Flags America's removed Iron Eagle flat ride/torture device as a "roller coaster." Please.
There's also the usual local media's fawning over Mark Shapiro as he grandstands at yet another Six Flags property, something of which we've grown extremely weary after the fortieth time. The combo is sufficiently grating enough to make this our Site O' the Weak.
--JCK
Saturday, April 08, 2006
Thanks For Your Patience
To anyone who is actually still bothering to check for updates on a regular basis (we're thinking of you, Peter and Darryl, and probably no one else...), we thank you for your support. And even if you aren't bothering to check very often, we still appreciate your understanding and patience. It's been pretty insane at the ARN&R Towers of late, as we try to supplement our massive and lucrative ARN&R holdings with a bunch of other jobs (you know, for hot tub repairs and aggressive corporate takeovers and such). As certain of the editorial staff have been growing more accustomed to their new schedule of working over 24 hours a day, every day, rest assured (not "be rest assured," which is incorrect, is a pet peeve of ours, and makes you sound like a cretin if you say it that way) that article updates will soon begin flowing in, if not quite at the same frantic level of old, then at least with far better regularity than the past couple weeks.
Thanks again.
--JCK
To anyone who is actually still bothering to check for updates on a regular basis (we're thinking of you, Peter and Darryl, and probably no one else...), we thank you for your support. And even if you aren't bothering to check very often, we still appreciate your understanding and patience. It's been pretty insane at the ARN&R Towers of late, as we try to supplement our massive and lucrative ARN&R holdings with a bunch of other jobs (you know, for hot tub repairs and aggressive corporate takeovers and such). As certain of the editorial staff have been growing more accustomed to their new schedule of working over 24 hours a day, every day, rest assured (not "be rest assured," which is incorrect, is a pet peeve of ours, and makes you sound like a cretin if you say it that way) that article updates will soon begin flowing in, if not quite at the same frantic level of old, then at least with far better regularity than the past couple weeks.
Thanks again.
--JCK
Friday, March 24, 2006
Let's Just Pile On, Shall We?
You know us. We don't like to kick someone when he's down.
Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, we were thinking of someone else. Actually, we don't mind kicking someone when he's down at all. And that's why we're targeting the Flash Pass system again. And it's not the name and overall concept this time, though that would be ample reason to rip this repulsive beeper that actually allows rich people to pay extra money to cut in line at many Six Flags properties.
Nope, it's the Flash Pass website itself, poorly constructed enough that it's our new Site O' the Weak.
Those of you who read our site regularly (in other words, pretty much no one) might have gleaned the knowledge that at least one of the editors uses and adores Firefox. So any of you rubes who still favor IE as your main browser won't be annoyed by the fact that the site looks like garbage in FF, and some links fail to work.
However, since lots of you still, for some unfathomable reason, actually do still use IE, we'll also mention sucky things about the website that apply no matter what is being used to view it. The main problem is the ease of transmission on information. Or, to put it better, the lack thereof. If you want to describe how your cut-in-line upcharge beeper thingie works, maybe it would be easier to discuss it all on one easy-to-read page. Instead, these people make you click buttons again and again and again, so each click brings you a sentence or two of information. Why? Of course, then we have things like the expected obfuscation of facts (read "Isn't using Fastlane like line-skipping?") in a bald attempt to euphemize the term "paying extra to cut in front of people," as well as occasional passages that appear not to be written by someone still in junior high (read "What is that beeper thing called?").
Flash Pass stinks as a concept, it stinks in practice, and it stinks as a website.
--JCK
You know us. We don't like to kick someone when he's down.
Oh, wait a minute. Sorry, we were thinking of someone else. Actually, we don't mind kicking someone when he's down at all. And that's why we're targeting the Flash Pass system again. And it's not the name and overall concept this time, though that would be ample reason to rip this repulsive beeper that actually allows rich people to pay extra money to cut in line at many Six Flags properties.
Nope, it's the Flash Pass website itself, poorly constructed enough that it's our new Site O' the Weak.
Those of you who read our site regularly (in other words, pretty much no one) might have gleaned the knowledge that at least one of the editors uses and adores Firefox. So any of you rubes who still favor IE as your main browser won't be annoyed by the fact that the site looks like garbage in FF, and some links fail to work.
However, since lots of you still, for some unfathomable reason, actually do still use IE, we'll also mention sucky things about the website that apply no matter what is being used to view it. The main problem is the ease of transmission on information. Or, to put it better, the lack thereof. If you want to describe how your cut-in-line upcharge beeper thingie works, maybe it would be easier to discuss it all on one easy-to-read page. Instead, these people make you click buttons again and again and again, so each click brings you a sentence or two of information. Why? Of course, then we have things like the expected obfuscation of facts (read "Isn't using Fastlane like line-skipping?") in a bald attempt to euphemize the term "paying extra to cut in front of people," as well as occasional passages that appear not to be written by someone still in junior high (read "What is that beeper thing called?").
Flash Pass stinks as a concept, it stinks in practice, and it stinks as a website.
--JCK
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Flashers to Have Free Reign at Six Flags
In a move that some industry experts find surprising, considering the new focus on families and small children being made by Six Flags, the park chain has just announced a new flasher-friendly policy to take effect at several of its properties this season.
"Flashing is great," said a junior Six Flags marketing strategist in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "For one thing, it's awesome to see naked people. You've got your boobs, those are cool. And penises. Some people like those. Heck, a lot of people like both! And then there's the thrill element. You never know when you might get flashed at a Six Flags park. Will it be in line for a Superman ride of some sort? Will it be while you're trying to eat your hot dog? Or changing your baby's diaper? Who knows?"
"The kids will love it," he added. "They'll just love it."
But not everyone will be able to show their naughty parts all willy-nilly, the rep said. The ability to shock other park guests with nude body parts is an upscale privilege reserved for those who buy the new Flash Pass, formerly known as Lo-Q.
Guests who pay to receive their Flash Pass will have the right to flash anyone else in the park - man, woman, child - at numerous randomly selected times during the day, specifically when their pass beeps at them and text-messages "Next Flash Soon!" When this message is received, the guest merely holds the Flash Pass up to one of dozens of handy Exposure Stations throughout the park, and at that point is granted a five-minute window to whip out his or her genitalia in public. Each Flash Pass holder can expect to receive the flashing privilege twenty times per day, spaced over a number of hours.
"By charging approximately thirty dollars per day for a rental of the Flash Pass," said the strategist, "we ensure that only a certain number of patrons are waving dicks and tits randomly at other unsuspecting guests. If we just gave out Flash Passes to everyone in the park for free, there would be none of those great looks of wonder and childish whimsy that we expect to see on people who are getting flashed for the first time at a major family vacation destination. This way, it's controlled so that it's the right number of times to make it a fantastic experience for everyone without becoming so commonplace that anyone tires of the thrill of having sexual organs jiggling in their face."
Pricing for the Flash Pass will differ depending on the park. Six Flags Great Adventure, for example, will offer a one-person rental for approximately thirty dollars per day. "For a discounted price," added the strategist, "other visitors can buy on to the same Flash Pass, reducing the overall price for each flasher, but increasing the pleasure and fun of someone who faces, say, six penises instead of just one."
Six Flags will also market exhibitionist-appropriate clothing, such as a Flash-themed trench coat.
--JCK
In a move that some industry experts find surprising, considering the new focus on families and small children being made by Six Flags, the park chain has just announced a new flasher-friendly policy to take effect at several of its properties this season.
"Flashing is great," said a junior Six Flags marketing strategist in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "For one thing, it's awesome to see naked people. You've got your boobs, those are cool. And penises. Some people like those. Heck, a lot of people like both! And then there's the thrill element. You never know when you might get flashed at a Six Flags park. Will it be in line for a Superman ride of some sort? Will it be while you're trying to eat your hot dog? Or changing your baby's diaper? Who knows?"
"The kids will love it," he added. "They'll just love it."
But not everyone will be able to show their naughty parts all willy-nilly, the rep said. The ability to shock other park guests with nude body parts is an upscale privilege reserved for those who buy the new Flash Pass, formerly known as Lo-Q.
Guests who pay to receive their Flash Pass will have the right to flash anyone else in the park - man, woman, child - at numerous randomly selected times during the day, specifically when their pass beeps at them and text-messages "Next Flash Soon!" When this message is received, the guest merely holds the Flash Pass up to one of dozens of handy Exposure Stations throughout the park, and at that point is granted a five-minute window to whip out his or her genitalia in public. Each Flash Pass holder can expect to receive the flashing privilege twenty times per day, spaced over a number of hours.
"By charging approximately thirty dollars per day for a rental of the Flash Pass," said the strategist, "we ensure that only a certain number of patrons are waving dicks and tits randomly at other unsuspecting guests. If we just gave out Flash Passes to everyone in the park for free, there would be none of those great looks of wonder and childish whimsy that we expect to see on people who are getting flashed for the first time at a major family vacation destination. This way, it's controlled so that it's the right number of times to make it a fantastic experience for everyone without becoming so commonplace that anyone tires of the thrill of having sexual organs jiggling in their face."
Pricing for the Flash Pass will differ depending on the park. Six Flags Great Adventure, for example, will offer a one-person rental for approximately thirty dollars per day. "For a discounted price," added the strategist, "other visitors can buy on to the same Flash Pass, reducing the overall price for each flasher, but increasing the pleasure and fun of someone who faces, say, six penises instead of just one."
Six Flags will also market exhibitionist-appropriate clothing, such as a Flash-themed trench coat.
--JCK
Tuesday, March 21, 2006
Contest
ARN&R would like to announce what may be its first contest ever, the 2006 Springtime Do Some Absolutely Reliable Taxes Sweepstakes. In this exciting contest, readers of the website are all invited to offer their services to JCK, one of the ARN&R Co-Editors-in-Chief, by doing his taxes for him this year. A successful winning entry will give the contest winner the right to write an article for the world's leading amusement park satire blog, Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.
"My f*cking taxes are taking me so much f*cking time and are really f*cking pissing me off, I mean giving me such incredible pleasure, that I really don't have time for anything else this week," said a harried JCK.
JCK's taxes are said to be remarkably fun for readers to attempt to do, as he is a freelance musician. Needing to be accounted for are approximately 9 W-2 forms, 14 1099's, an investment portfolio, depreciation on musical equipment, five pages of business and travel deductions, and three pages of additional teaching and performance income listings. Forms must be filed with the federal government, as well as in three or four states, depending on how much was made in each of them. JCK reports that typically it takes him two full days to correctly lay out all expenditures, forms, and deductions, and then he still has had to send them to a jerkoff preparer who charges way too much and that he recently caught actually making the three-dollar IRS-form donation to political campaign funds on his behalf without permission.
The rules of the contest: taxes must be filled out correctly and filed on time. If no audit has occurred based on the winning entry within a ten year period, then that winning entry will be considered the 2006 Springtime Do Some Absolutely Reliable Taxes Sweepstakes Victor, and the contest winner will be allowed to write anything he or she wants in an article to be published at ARN&R.
"You win because you get to write for us, as soon as 2016," said JCK. "The government wins because it gets my money, and I win because I don't have to waste a whole week doing taxes, and more importantly, that's one less article I have to write. Though I suppose I'll still spend three hours correcting someone's stupid grammatical errors."
--JCK
ARN&R would like to announce what may be its first contest ever, the 2006 Springtime Do Some Absolutely Reliable Taxes Sweepstakes. In this exciting contest, readers of the website are all invited to offer their services to JCK, one of the ARN&R Co-Editors-in-Chief, by doing his taxes for him this year. A successful winning entry will give the contest winner the right to write an article for the world's leading amusement park satire blog, Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors.
"My f*cking taxes are taking me so much f*cking time and are really f*cking pissing me off, I mean giving me such incredible pleasure, that I really don't have time for anything else this week," said a harried JCK.
JCK's taxes are said to be remarkably fun for readers to attempt to do, as he is a freelance musician. Needing to be accounted for are approximately 9 W-2 forms, 14 1099's, an investment portfolio, depreciation on musical equipment, five pages of business and travel deductions, and three pages of additional teaching and performance income listings. Forms must be filed with the federal government, as well as in three or four states, depending on how much was made in each of them. JCK reports that typically it takes him two full days to correctly lay out all expenditures, forms, and deductions, and then he still has had to send them to a jerkoff preparer who charges way too much and that he recently caught actually making the three-dollar IRS-form donation to political campaign funds on his behalf without permission.
The rules of the contest: taxes must be filled out correctly and filed on time. If no audit has occurred based on the winning entry within a ten year period, then that winning entry will be considered the 2006 Springtime Do Some Absolutely Reliable Taxes Sweepstakes Victor, and the contest winner will be allowed to write anything he or she wants in an article to be published at ARN&R.
"You win because you get to write for us, as soon as 2016," said JCK. "The government wins because it gets my money, and I win because I don't have to waste a whole week doing taxes, and more importantly, that's one less article I have to write. Though I suppose I'll still spend three hours correcting someone's stupid grammatical errors."
--JCK
Friday, March 17, 2006
Coaster Tired of Being Pinched
According to a roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain, it is tired of being pinched on St. Patrick's Day by Riddler's Revenge and Deja Vu just because it isn't green.
"It's so immature and annoying," said Psyclone, a brownish Summers & Dinn woodie. "I can't help it if I'm not wearing green. It's not like I can paint myself differently for the one day of the year where people get to pick on you for having the wrong color clothes on. I actually think it's a stupid holiday that's nothing more than an excuse to get drunk and be an asshole anyway."
Riddler's Revenge claims that Psyclone is fun to pinch because it "screams like a little bitch every time."
--JCK
According to a roller coaster at Six Flags Magic Mountain, it is tired of being pinched on St. Patrick's Day by Riddler's Revenge and Deja Vu just because it isn't green.
"It's so immature and annoying," said Psyclone, a brownish Summers & Dinn woodie. "I can't help it if I'm not wearing green. It's not like I can paint myself differently for the one day of the year where people get to pick on you for having the wrong color clothes on. I actually think it's a stupid holiday that's nothing more than an excuse to get drunk and be an asshole anyway."
Riddler's Revenge claims that Psyclone is fun to pinch because it "screams like a little bitch every time."
--JCK
Thursday, March 16, 2006
Who Beefed?
Our new Site O' the Weak is pretty simple. It's the Six Flags home page. We haven't kept track of suck things, but they surely must be closing in on Viands-like SOW career numbers by this point. But why does Six Flags get honored this time?
It's the big ad on the front page that says "We're Beefing Up Security: Six Flags, now home to the Justice League." Maybe it's a clever ploy to introduce more characters so little kids will jump up and down. We think it's more likely to be literal. As in, Six Flags is actually admitting its parks are rife with uncontrolled louts, drunken rednecks, and gangs. Of course, one could take the stand that a park finally adding more security is something to be proud of.
We say, it's about friggin' time. If they'd paid any attention over the past ten years to the fact that you couldn't walk five feet without being mugged, molested, spat on, or had a cigarette ground out on your testicles by the typical clientele of most Six Flags properties, we'd actually be applauding. Now they apparently want a cookie for doing what should have been done ages ago, and are making out like they rule. Sorry, folks, it's a little too little, too late, and being cutesy about it is really annoying.
--JCK
Our new Site O' the Weak is pretty simple. It's the Six Flags home page. We haven't kept track of suck things, but they surely must be closing in on Viands-like SOW career numbers by this point. But why does Six Flags get honored this time?
It's the big ad on the front page that says "We're Beefing Up Security: Six Flags, now home to the Justice League." Maybe it's a clever ploy to introduce more characters so little kids will jump up and down. We think it's more likely to be literal. As in, Six Flags is actually admitting its parks are rife with uncontrolled louts, drunken rednecks, and gangs. Of course, one could take the stand that a park finally adding more security is something to be proud of.
We say, it's about friggin' time. If they'd paid any attention over the past ten years to the fact that you couldn't walk five feet without being mugged, molested, spat on, or had a cigarette ground out on your testicles by the typical clientele of most Six Flags properties, we'd actually be applauding. Now they apparently want a cookie for doing what should have been done ages ago, and are making out like they rule. Sorry, folks, it's a little too little, too late, and being cutesy about it is really annoying.
--JCK
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