Prankster Valleyfair Maintenance Staff Spray Red Paint Markings "Everywhere"
In an ARN&R exclusive and of course, absolutely reliable rumor, Valleyfair maintenance staff revealed the true purpose of the stakes and markings in the vicinity of the General Store and Sports Bar.
"So, ya see...we had a lil' time off, checklists done an hour ahead of schedule, ya know?" snorted Lurvy McCracklin, lubrication technician. "We just wanted to play a frickin' game of horseshoes in the knoll and the minute we set up the stakes, what happens? Some fat bastard in a greasy shirt snaps three billion photos, squealing 'Rollycoaster! Rollycoaster!' We tol' the dipshit better, but ya'd think he had a fried cheese stick in his ear."
"Nahhhh. Pronto Pup. Prolly saving it for later," chimed in physical plant custodian Tennessee McCoy. "But the next night, I was done touching up paint on some rides early? And we decided to have us a lil' fun."
"Oh yeah. Oh yeah. First we thought we'd just spray 'construction' marks at random 'round spots that make no damned sense. But once Tennessee painted a trail of pavement spots that led to the Sports Bar bathroom--like ooh, what a clue, now go change your undies--the battle to top each other was on."
"So Lurvy starts in with these stakes surrounded by pylons, right?" guffaws Tennessee, scarcely able to breathe. "And starts puttin' 'em EVERY damn where. All along the Lazy River, then right next to the big family tube slide, all up in the waterslide exit zones like whooooooo, you're gonna be looping all over the park. Right. Listen up, ya pathetic, snack-chompin' lardasses! Put down the camera--"
"And the fried-up Twinkie bars!"
"--yeah, that too--and Get. A. Mo-Freakin' LIFE! At least there's some actual ass in the waterpark that isn't on DVD! Leathery as an old shoe, smoking a Marlboro and high-mileage droopy? Yeah, maybe. Okay, more than likely. But hell, it's a start."
"An act of mercy, sure. That's it," fired back Lurvy. "I'm a regular Mutha Theresa."
"But after they trip over a low-lying chain or two following these trails, at least they can ask someone who'd really know what we're building next year."
"Another Camp Snoopy, bitches!" chided Lurvy. "Dammit! I said that out loud!"
--CO
Sunday, June 18, 2006
Tuesday, June 13, 2006
New Sponsor Announced for Spaceship Earth
Only a few months after Siemens signed on for a major sponsorship deal involving the landmark Spaceship Earth attraction at Disney's EPCOT theme park, the company has unexpectedly pulled out. However, the attraction, previously sponsored by AT&T, was not long without a corporate partner.
In a hastily-assembled press conference, the new sponsor was introduced to the public. That sponsor is Semen.
"It was a natural move for us to mate Disney with Semen," said park representative Julius McFadden stiffly. "We were certain that Semen had the know-how to come up with a climactic ending for this ride that it has been lacking in recent years. Of course, it also has a similar name to our last sponsor, negating the need for extensive sign renovations. We can probably make do with a little spackle and a black Sharpie, which will save a load of money."
Standing erect at the podium, Semen outlined its plans for Spaceship Earth. "We will immediately begin a massive overall of this structure," it said. "Only creating one huge ball was a colossal boner made by the original park planners. In keeping with the Semen name, we will create a second giant Spaceship Earth of equal dimensions right next to the first one, and then add a massive steel obelisk between them to form a new beacon by which EPCOT will be known."
When questioned by journalists as to the realistic ability of Disney to create a structure incorporating two massive metal balls and a towering, rigid metal shaft thrusting toward the heavens, Semen assured all present that it was "no cock and bull story."
--JCK
Only a few months after Siemens signed on for a major sponsorship deal involving the landmark Spaceship Earth attraction at Disney's EPCOT theme park, the company has unexpectedly pulled out. However, the attraction, previously sponsored by AT&T, was not long without a corporate partner.
In a hastily-assembled press conference, the new sponsor was introduced to the public. That sponsor is Semen.
"It was a natural move for us to mate Disney with Semen," said park representative Julius McFadden stiffly. "We were certain that Semen had the know-how to come up with a climactic ending for this ride that it has been lacking in recent years. Of course, it also has a similar name to our last sponsor, negating the need for extensive sign renovations. We can probably make do with a little spackle and a black Sharpie, which will save a load of money."
Standing erect at the podium, Semen outlined its plans for Spaceship Earth. "We will immediately begin a massive overall of this structure," it said. "Only creating one huge ball was a colossal boner made by the original park planners. In keeping with the Semen name, we will create a second giant Spaceship Earth of equal dimensions right next to the first one, and then add a massive steel obelisk between them to form a new beacon by which EPCOT will be known."
When questioned by journalists as to the realistic ability of Disney to create a structure incorporating two massive metal balls and a towering, rigid metal shaft thrusting toward the heavens, Semen assured all present that it was "no cock and bull story."
--JCK
Friday, June 02, 2006
It's a Small World Celebrates Forty Years of Annoying the Shit Out of People
This past Sunday officially marked fortieth anniversary of It's a Small World, the legendary and highly irritating family ride located at Disney parks throughout the world. Originally opening at the 1964 World's Fair, the first of the mind-destroying attractions was later moved to Disneyland, and others unfortunately followed at other Disney properties.
"It's a Small World was designed specifically to annoy the ever-loving shit out of all humans with a modicum of sense and taste," said Disney representative Beth Purdy-Slutz. "And boy, has it ever succeeded in that regard. That shrill, soul-crushing song will absolutely rape your eardrums. Unless you're a huge fan of heinously awful music, the piercing sound of tuneless shrieking children, or bucketloads of treacle, this ride will make you want to ram your face into a brick wall."
"Other rides are annoying," added Purdy-Slutz. "Some, primarily those made by Vekoma and Gerstlauer, suck balls. But It's a Small World has been unchallenged in the category of pissing the hell out of people for forty years. Forty years! It's simply unbeatable, and for that we are incredibly proud."
Although a recent industry poll showed that 99.9999999% of all humans exposed even briefly to the Small World ride and/or song instantaneously feel a powerful urge to maim and destroy, the ride does have at least one masochistic supporter who apparently doesn't mind being viciously antagonized by a appalling piece of music "6 or 7 times every visit to Disney."
--JCK
This past Sunday officially marked fortieth anniversary of It's a Small World, the legendary and highly irritating family ride located at Disney parks throughout the world. Originally opening at the 1964 World's Fair, the first of the mind-destroying attractions was later moved to Disneyland, and others unfortunately followed at other Disney properties.
"It's a Small World was designed specifically to annoy the ever-loving shit out of all humans with a modicum of sense and taste," said Disney representative Beth Purdy-Slutz. "And boy, has it ever succeeded in that regard. That shrill, soul-crushing song will absolutely rape your eardrums. Unless you're a huge fan of heinously awful music, the piercing sound of tuneless shrieking children, or bucketloads of treacle, this ride will make you want to ram your face into a brick wall."
"Other rides are annoying," added Purdy-Slutz. "Some, primarily those made by Vekoma and Gerstlauer, suck balls. But It's a Small World has been unchallenged in the category of pissing the hell out of people for forty years. Forty years! It's simply unbeatable, and for that we are incredibly proud."
Although a recent industry poll showed that 99.9999999% of all humans exposed even briefly to the Small World ride and/or song instantaneously feel a powerful urge to maim and destroy, the ride does have at least one masochistic supporter who apparently doesn't mind being viciously antagonized by a appalling piece of music "6 or 7 times every visit to Disney."
--JCK
Wednesday, May 31, 2006
Universal Adds Face Characters
Doc Brown has long been a staple at Universal Studios Orlando, as trained employees dressed as the kooky character have entertained park guests in the vicinity of the Back to the Future simulator ride for years. But after years of laboring alone, Doc will be reinforced by fresh troops. The first new arrival is the character of Marty McFly, who was successfully tested recently and will begin appearing regularly with Doc in the World Expo section of Universal Studios this summer.
But that won't be all. Seeking to capitalize on the fresh new blockbuster series of movies, numerous other Back to the Future characters will be featured on the streets of Universal Studios in the coming months. Later in the summer, after Marty's big debut, will come Mr. Strickland, Ma Peabody and Marvin Berry. At the end of the summer more new additions will consist of Babs, Milton Baines, and Sherman Peabody. And finally, in the fall, new faces will include Clocktower Woman, Scooter Kid #2, Bystander #1, and High-School Band Audition Judge.
"It's important to really market a hot new property like Back to the Future," said one Universal representative. "Seeing hugely popular, iconic characters like Clocktower Woman and Scooter Kid #2 literally come to life before their very eyes will create a new realm of immersive customer satisfaction and happy pleasure."
--JCK
Doc Brown has long been a staple at Universal Studios Orlando, as trained employees dressed as the kooky character have entertained park guests in the vicinity of the Back to the Future simulator ride for years. But after years of laboring alone, Doc will be reinforced by fresh troops. The first new arrival is the character of Marty McFly, who was successfully tested recently and will begin appearing regularly with Doc in the World Expo section of Universal Studios this summer.
But that won't be all. Seeking to capitalize on the fresh new blockbuster series of movies, numerous other Back to the Future characters will be featured on the streets of Universal Studios in the coming months. Later in the summer, after Marty's big debut, will come Mr. Strickland, Ma Peabody and Marvin Berry. At the end of the summer more new additions will consist of Babs, Milton Baines, and Sherman Peabody. And finally, in the fall, new faces will include Clocktower Woman, Scooter Kid #2, Bystander #1, and High-School Band Audition Judge.
"It's important to really market a hot new property like Back to the Future," said one Universal representative. "Seeing hugely popular, iconic characters like Clocktower Woman and Scooter Kid #2 literally come to life before their very eyes will create a new realm of immersive customer satisfaction and happy pleasure."
--JCK
Monday, May 29, 2006
Six Flags New England Much Improved
The mandate from Six Flags upper management this year has been to focus less on massive new thrill rides and to focus more on customer happiness, infrastructure improvements, beautification, and raising ticket prices by an exorbitant amount. ARN&R recently sent a team of secret investigators to spend a day at Six Flags New England this past weekend so as to determine what sort of improvements might have been made since last season. Would the park be cleaner? Would employees be less incompetent and aggressive? Would anything work? Would security be doing anything to control the hordes of young louts running loose? Let's take a look at some key statistics to find out; the comparison in these stats will be made between the recent sample day, placed alongside the park's three-year averages from 2003-2005.
Average Daily Line-Cutting Incidents
2003-2005: 431,621
5/28/06: 367,997
Average Daily Smoking-in-Line Incidents
2003-2005: 237,786
5/28/06: 234,101
Average Number of Times Security Guard or Ride Op Looked Directly at Line-Cutting or Smoking-in-Line Incident and Didn't Do Jack F*cking Shit About It
2003-2005: 46,325
5/28/06: 44,917
Average Restroom Square Footage Covered With Fresh Human Feces
2003-2005: 100%
5/28/06: 98.6%
Average IQ of Paying Customers
2003-2005: 35
5/28/06: 50
WHIP
2003-2005: 1.94
5/28/06: 1.67
As can easily be seen, Six Flags New England has massively improved in several key areas of customer service, most notably in safety and cleanliness. Way to go, folks. Keep up the outstanding work!
--JCK
The mandate from Six Flags upper management this year has been to focus less on massive new thrill rides and to focus more on customer happiness, infrastructure improvements, beautification, and raising ticket prices by an exorbitant amount. ARN&R recently sent a team of secret investigators to spend a day at Six Flags New England this past weekend so as to determine what sort of improvements might have been made since last season. Would the park be cleaner? Would employees be less incompetent and aggressive? Would anything work? Would security be doing anything to control the hordes of young louts running loose? Let's take a look at some key statistics to find out; the comparison in these stats will be made between the recent sample day, placed alongside the park's three-year averages from 2003-2005.
2003-2005: 431,621
5/28/06: 367,997
2003-2005: 237,786
5/28/06: 234,101
2003-2005: 46,325
5/28/06: 44,917
2003-2005: 100%
5/28/06: 98.6%
2003-2005: 35
5/28/06: 50
2003-2005: 1.94
5/28/06: 1.67
As can easily be seen, Six Flags New England has massively improved in several key areas of customer service, most notably in safety and cleanliness. Way to go, folks. Keep up the outstanding work!
--JCK
Saturday, May 27, 2006
Batwing: "Who Keeps Farting?"
Controversy has reigned of late at Six Flags America, as the Vekoma flying coaster Batwing has frequently accused its fellow coasters of copious farting. "And they aren't the loud, funny kinds," said the distressed Batwing. "We're talking Silent But Deadly. It smells like Satan took a big, fat burrito shit around her most of the time."
Adding that it was "really immature and annoying to keep passing gas in public," Batwing stated that "certain coasters might want to lay off the deep-dish meat-lover's pizza and beer late at night."
As one might expect, other rides at SFA dispute the claims Batwing has made about their allegedly revolting bodily emissions. "Well, it sure ain't me," said Two-Face, holding its hands up defensively. "I never fart. Um, it was probably my dog or something."
Joker's Jinx was more succinct. "He who smelt it, dealt it," it commented. "Batwing is the one whose paint has been blistering the most lately, if you catch my drift."
A SFA spokesman issued a statement that none of the park's coasters were under management suspicion of farting, despite any unsupported claims by Batwing, and that the foul sulfurous odors were just the "usual pleasantly tangy scents of raw human excrement bubbling out of the restrooms, just like they have been for the past couple decades."
--JCK
Controversy has reigned of late at Six Flags America, as the Vekoma flying coaster Batwing has frequently accused its fellow coasters of copious farting. "And they aren't the loud, funny kinds," said the distressed Batwing. "We're talking Silent But Deadly. It smells like Satan took a big, fat burrito shit around her most of the time."
Adding that it was "really immature and annoying to keep passing gas in public," Batwing stated that "certain coasters might want to lay off the deep-dish meat-lover's pizza and beer late at night."
As one might expect, other rides at SFA dispute the claims Batwing has made about their allegedly revolting bodily emissions. "Well, it sure ain't me," said Two-Face, holding its hands up defensively. "I never fart. Um, it was probably my dog or something."
Joker's Jinx was more succinct. "He who smelt it, dealt it," it commented. "Batwing is the one whose paint has been blistering the most lately, if you catch my drift."
A SFA spokesman issued a statement that none of the park's coasters were under management suspicion of farting, despite any unsupported claims by Batwing, and that the foul sulfurous odors were just the "usual pleasantly tangy scents of raw human excrement bubbling out of the restrooms, just like they have been for the past couple decades."
--JCK
Wednesday, May 24, 2006
Disney Opens New Version of Mission:Space
Since its opening several years ago, Mission: Space, a thrill ride located at Disney's Epcot theme park, has been the target of more complaints than any other ride at any of the corporate giant's properties, with the exception of It's a Small World. But while Small World generates customer anger solely because the endless rooms of hideous demon-spawned children singing their asinine, treacly, eardrum-rupturing little song leads over 93% of guests to seek mental health counseling, Mission: Space goes straight for the gut. The gut of riders, that is; a frequent criticism of the attraction is that it is too intense and causes nausea.
Complaints of this nature are expected to be dramatically reduced over the next few weeks, following the recent opening of a new, tamer version of Mission: Space. Passengers will now be given a choice of joining the Orange Team or the Green Team. The Orange team will board vehicles that feature the original, intense experience that will cause the massive vomiting and sudden explosive voiding of the bowels enjoyed by hardcore thrill-seekers.
Green Team members will enjoy a toned-down version of the attraction. Unlike Orange Team members, these passengers need not fear the queasiness, the eruption of bile, or the discharge of various bodily liquids and solids from every orifice. Green Teamers will be in no danger of vomiting, but instead, the relaxing ride will merely cause them to, in the words of a Disney representative, "toss their cookies," "waste their groceries," "talk to George on the Big White Phone," or "bow before their porcelain master." Additionally, these passengers will not face those pesky voided bowels like the Orange team; instead, on this tame version of the ride, they will merely "have a chocolate surprise," "involuntarily download some brownware," or "shit their pants."
"Why, I might just have to try that ride again if it's less intense," said local spinster Bernice Freishutz, 83. "I was very dizzy and quite sick to my stomach the last time I rode Mission: Space, but I'd sure enjoy yodeling in Technicolor and accidentally filling my pants with brownie batter much better!"
--JCK
Since its opening several years ago, Mission: Space, a thrill ride located at Disney's Epcot theme park, has been the target of more complaints than any other ride at any of the corporate giant's properties, with the exception of It's a Small World. But while Small World generates customer anger solely because the endless rooms of hideous demon-spawned children singing their asinine, treacly, eardrum-rupturing little song leads over 93% of guests to seek mental health counseling, Mission: Space goes straight for the gut. The gut of riders, that is; a frequent criticism of the attraction is that it is too intense and causes nausea.
Complaints of this nature are expected to be dramatically reduced over the next few weeks, following the recent opening of a new, tamer version of Mission: Space. Passengers will now be given a choice of joining the Orange Team or the Green Team. The Orange team will board vehicles that feature the original, intense experience that will cause the massive vomiting and sudden explosive voiding of the bowels enjoyed by hardcore thrill-seekers.
Green Team members will enjoy a toned-down version of the attraction. Unlike Orange Team members, these passengers need not fear the queasiness, the eruption of bile, or the discharge of various bodily liquids and solids from every orifice. Green Teamers will be in no danger of vomiting, but instead, the relaxing ride will merely cause them to, in the words of a Disney representative, "toss their cookies," "waste their groceries," "talk to George on the Big White Phone," or "bow before their porcelain master." Additionally, these passengers will not face those pesky voided bowels like the Orange team; instead, on this tame version of the ride, they will merely "have a chocolate surprise," "involuntarily download some brownware," or "shit their pants."
"Why, I might just have to try that ride again if it's less intense," said local spinster Bernice Freishutz, 83. "I was very dizzy and quite sick to my stomach the last time I rode Mission: Space, but I'd sure enjoy yodeling in Technicolor and accidentally filling my pants with brownie batter much better!"
--JCK
Monday, May 15, 2006
Investigative Report: Why Hollywood B-Listers at Tatsu?
In a shocking -- shocking, we tell you! -- turn of events, Six Flags Magic Mountain premiered their lastest coaster to Hollywood B-listers as opposed to the usual bunch of enthusiasts.
Why? Why? For the love of all handouts, why? We could think of only a few reasons...
--CO
In a shocking -- shocking, we tell you! -- turn of events, Six Flags Magic Mountain premiered their lastest coaster to Hollywood B-listers as opposed to the usual bunch of enthusiasts.
Why? Why? For the love of all handouts, why? We could think of only a few reasons...
- They avoid paparazzi from real press; no need to invent 'press credentials' of their own
- Names are at least recognizable to a few folks, occasionally even both parents
- Velvet ropes more elegant than barbed wire needed to corral enthusiast herds
- Most of them actually fit in ride restraints
- They can 'act' like they're having a good time
- Actually prefer rideops don't talk to them
- No ponderous trip reports involving potty breaks and bodily emisisons six days before their visit
- Two words: Back hair
- Less likely to stuff free food in back pockets and/or cheek pouches, while simultaneously bitching about its quantity
- Prefer zombielike actors to drooling Coaster Zombies
- Paris Hilton can't even spell 'trim brake'
--CO
Wednesday, May 10, 2006
It Is Indeed All Downhill From Here
Today, we most happily link you to one of our favorite on-ride photos ever. Apparently, the passengers are making the number 100 with their hands to symbolize one enthusiast's hundredth ride on The Voyage, a stunning number considering the length of time the new coaster has actually been open. We thought the picture would be even better if it had an informative caption. Here are a few we came up with:
-By coincidence, that 100 is the same percentage we are happy not to be on that ride with them.
-Oh, I thought they were doing zeros, as in the odds of any of them ever having a normal conversation with another human being
-"Our hands get a LOT of exercise moving in this shape...oh, wait."
--GP
Today, we most happily link you to one of our favorite on-ride photos ever. Apparently, the passengers are making the number 100 with their hands to symbolize one enthusiast's hundredth ride on The Voyage, a stunning number considering the length of time the new coaster has actually been open. We thought the picture would be even better if it had an informative caption. Here are a few we came up with:
-By coincidence, that 100 is the same percentage we are happy not to be on that ride with them.
-Oh, I thought they were doing zeros, as in the odds of any of them ever having a normal conversation with another human being
-"Our hands get a LOT of exercise moving in this shape...oh, wait."
--GP
Sunday, May 07, 2006
Coming Soon to a TV Near You
Microphone from RadioShack (batteries not included): $9.87
2 AA Batteries found in Dad's toolchest: $0.25 (Dad's an asshole)
Sticker made from home inkjet printer: $0.55
Look of suicidal desperation on Cedar Fair marketing executive's face (third down) when she realizes she has to pretend you're a "serious member of the press" as part of her job: Priceless (for ARN&R)
--MOS
Microphone from RadioShack (batteries not included): $9.87
2 AA Batteries found in Dad's toolchest: $0.25 (Dad's an asshole)
Sticker made from home inkjet printer: $0.55
Look of suicidal desperation on Cedar Fair marketing executive's face (third down) when she realizes she has to pretend you're a "serious member of the press" as part of her job: Priceless (for ARN&R)
--MOS
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