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B&M to Add Kicking, Screaming Children to Flying Coaster Design

In an effort to make the experience of its “flying coaster” closer to actual flight, famed Swiss coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced yesterday that, for a small additional fee to parks, every new flying coaster would come with screaming and kicking children permanently installed behind each seat.

“We were flying over to the U.S. to meet with a potential customer and there was a four-year-old with the most piercing voice we’ve ever heard sitting behind us,” said Walter Bollinger. “And the kid apparently was physically incapable of sitting still, so every two seconds – thwack – right in the back of our seats. And we had it! That’s what our flying coasters needed to complete the experience!” The children are reported to be imported from developing countries in exchange for "humanitarian aid" to the countries' governments.

If the experiment is well-received, B&M has indicated that it may introduce other add-ons, including one-ounce bags of pretzels and demands for government assistance.