Six Flags Stock Price Leaps on News of Talks with Ninth-Graders
Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.
"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."
Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.
Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.