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Carousel Politely Declines Billy Joel's Offer of Help

The carousel from the defunct Nunley's Amusement Park is in danger of being lost, and singer-songwriter Billy Joel stepped in, hoping to save it. But ARN&R has learned that the carousel has politely declined his offer of help, noting that his music "sucks ass" and that it would rather be divided up or destroyed than associated with "anything vaguely connected with that 'We Didn't Start the Fire' song."

"Look, I appreciate the thought," said the carousel in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "But the dude hasn't done anything even remotely respectable since 'The Nylon Curtain,' and even that was no great shakes. His classical stuff is an insult to anyone who actually knows anything about music, and he had the freakin' nerve to name one of his pieces after me. What a drunken dickweed."

The carousel showed interest in finding other celebrity help. "How about James Taylor? He's practically John Lennon compared to Billy Joel. Or maybe the two Johns [of Brooklyn band They Might Be Giants] would help out. Hell, that woman who ran over the people in the Berkshires would be fine. Just not the freakin' Piano Man."