Texas to Adopt "Intamin Math" in State Curriculum

The Texas Board of Education recently adopted sweeping changes to that state's textbook guidelines, with most focus going to positive references to Phyllis Schlafly, the Contract With America, the Heritage Foundation, the Moral Majority, and the National Rifle Association.

Lesser noticed were those changes to the math and engineering curricula for Texas students. Inspired by Intamin's recent work at Cedar Point, the Board adopted what it called "Intamin Math."

"For far too long, the liberal elite has forced students to believe that there's only one way to add numbers together, and that engineers should use 'precise data,' whatever that even means," said Board spokeswoman Julie Delphi. "Just like evolution and climate change, the Pythagorean theorem is just a theory -- no better than a guess! So we'll be teaching the controversy about that and about all of math."

Referencing a mnemonic frequently used in trigonometry, Delphi added, "SOHCAHTOA, we think, is some sort of invitation to the illegals, so that'll be out for sure. And 'taking a derivative' of something sounds like a slam on the good derivatives traders on Wall Street, so calculus is off limits now."

The new engineering curriculum will introduce students to ideas such as "Kinda measure once, build two or three times and change it a few more dozen times," "Failsafes are okay but not really needed," and numbers like "eleventy-four" and "thirty-twelve."

Intamin will also appear in the state's business curriculum as an example of a company that somehow continues to exist despite its massive and obvious failings.

--GP