B&M to Add Kicking, Screaming Children to Flying Coaster Design
In an effort to make the experience of its “flying coaster” closer to actual flight, famed Swiss coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced yesterday that, for a small additional fee to parks, every new flying coaster would come with screaming and kicking children permanently installed behind each seat.
“We were flying over to the U.S. to meet with a potential customer and there was a four-year-old with the most piercing voice we’ve ever heard sitting behind us,” said Walter Bollinger. “And the kid apparently was physically incapable of sitting still, so every two seconds – thwack – right in the back of our seats. And we had it! That’s what our flying coasters needed to complete the experience!” The children are reported to be imported from developing countries in exchange for "humanitarian aid" to the countries' governments.
If the experiment is well-received, B&M has indicated that it may introduce other add-ons, including one-ounce bags of pretzels and demands for government assistance.
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Disney Buys 5,000 Acres for Farm-Themed Park
The Disney company yesterday purchased 5,000 acres in south-central Los Angeles for a brand-new amusement park. But it won't be just another park themed after California or a magical kingdom. Instead, in an innovative partnership with Tyson Chicken and Archer Daniels Midland, the new park -- tentatively called Rural Disney -- will be themed after today's agribusiness.
"The main section will be the soybean farm," said Michael Eisner in a conference call with analysts. "Based on advice we got from ADM, roughly 3,500 acres will be nothing but soybeans, with one ride heavily themed to the area for every 500 acres. My favorite ride is Farm Accident, but we won't tell you a lot of details about that except that it involves one big thresher and a lot of special effects."
The balance of the park will be the Tyson-sponsored part, with building after building of chickens with waste lagoons -- ponds half-filled with chicken feces -- spotting the area. "About half of the chickens have been specially genetically modified to create enormous meat-heavy birds unable to fly, walk, or do anything besides sit in their own waste. The other half are layers, forced to sit in a cage just millimeters larger than the birds themselves, laying eggs galore while, again, sitting in their own waste. The kids are gonna love it!" concluded Eisner.
If the park is successful, Disney is said to be considering adding cattle factory farming and hog feedlots.
The Disney company yesterday purchased 5,000 acres in south-central Los Angeles for a brand-new amusement park. But it won't be just another park themed after California or a magical kingdom. Instead, in an innovative partnership with Tyson Chicken and Archer Daniels Midland, the new park -- tentatively called Rural Disney -- will be themed after today's agribusiness.
"The main section will be the soybean farm," said Michael Eisner in a conference call with analysts. "Based on advice we got from ADM, roughly 3,500 acres will be nothing but soybeans, with one ride heavily themed to the area for every 500 acres. My favorite ride is Farm Accident, but we won't tell you a lot of details about that except that it involves one big thresher and a lot of special effects."
The balance of the park will be the Tyson-sponsored part, with building after building of chickens with waste lagoons -- ponds half-filled with chicken feces -- spotting the area. "About half of the chickens have been specially genetically modified to create enormous meat-heavy birds unable to fly, walk, or do anything besides sit in their own waste. The other half are layers, forced to sit in a cage just millimeters larger than the birds themselves, laying eggs galore while, again, sitting in their own waste. The kids are gonna love it!" concluded Eisner.
If the park is successful, Disney is said to be considering adding cattle factory farming and hog feedlots.
Monday, November 25, 2002
In First, Enthusiast Mangles English Language
Readers of a coaster message board were shocked last night by a young coaster enthusiast’s lack of grammatical capability, sources told ARN&R today. The message in question, posted at 9:33 PM on ThemeParkCritic.com’s roller coaster forums, was authored by No1BoomerangBeeyatch3. His post, titled “BIG KNEW COASTERS READ THIS,” was described by both linguistic and amusement park experts as “an assault on the English language.”
“I’m stunned,” said Ohio enthusiast Andy Pongracz, 32. “I’ve been reading and posting to these forums for two years, and every other entry I’ve ever witnessed has been a model of correct punctuation and comprehensible, thoughtful prose. I can’t even read this post.”
Added CoasterHombre364, a regular forum participant, “I am deeply offended to see this sort of slipshod writing. All these punctuation errors, the horrible spelling, the run-on sentences…this is the first and only time in the history of coaster enthusiasm that I’ve seen writing this crappy.”
ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending writing sample, which is reproduced below:
i herd six flags got some knew rides for it’s parks, thats good, i like knew coasters THAT ARE BIG so gte some of those who we can ride. my favorite ride’s are one’s that makes me loose my self in them and i forget wear i was, isn’t this the best don’t you think so two? Superman ultimate ascape will be grate because their wont be any breaks for it, its going to be so cool for my girlfriend and i when we ride it and get LOOPED!!!!! And who know’s that other one their doing for enchanted forrest the woody? YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT MORE BIGGER THEN SON OF BEAST RIGHT OR I WONT RIDE IT!!!!!!! do I havemy facilities in tact here or what do u think?
Dr. Carol Lampley, noted professor of English at the University of Georgia, was disconsolate when presented with the post. “This writer consistently makes punctuation errors and misspellings so gruesome that I am uncertain whether the sample is really and truly composed in our native language at all. I would be remiss not to insist on a remedial English course for No1Boomerang3, since he is lagging far behind all the other enthusiasts, each and every one of whom uses proper grammar in his or her online posts.”
--JCK
Readers of a coaster message board were shocked last night by a young coaster enthusiast’s lack of grammatical capability, sources told ARN&R today. The message in question, posted at 9:33 PM on ThemeParkCritic.com’s roller coaster forums, was authored by No1BoomerangBeeyatch3. His post, titled “BIG KNEW COASTERS READ THIS,” was described by both linguistic and amusement park experts as “an assault on the English language.”
“I’m stunned,” said Ohio enthusiast Andy Pongracz, 32. “I’ve been reading and posting to these forums for two years, and every other entry I’ve ever witnessed has been a model of correct punctuation and comprehensible, thoughtful prose. I can’t even read this post.”
Added CoasterHombre364, a regular forum participant, “I am deeply offended to see this sort of slipshod writing. All these punctuation errors, the horrible spelling, the run-on sentences…this is the first and only time in the history of coaster enthusiasm that I’ve seen writing this crappy.”
ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending writing sample, which is reproduced below:
i herd six flags got some knew rides for it’s parks, thats good, i like knew coasters THAT ARE BIG so gte some of those who we can ride. my favorite ride’s are one’s that makes me loose my self in them and i forget wear i was, isn’t this the best don’t you think so two? Superman ultimate ascape will be grate because their wont be any breaks for it, its going to be so cool for my girlfriend and i when we ride it and get LOOPED!!!!! And who know’s that other one their doing for enchanted forrest the woody? YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT MORE BIGGER THEN SON OF BEAST RIGHT OR I WONT RIDE IT!!!!!!! do I havemy facilities in tact here or what do u think?
Dr. Carol Lampley, noted professor of English at the University of Georgia, was disconsolate when presented with the post. “This writer consistently makes punctuation errors and misspellings so gruesome that I am uncertain whether the sample is really and truly composed in our native language at all. I would be remiss not to insist on a remedial English course for No1Boomerang3, since he is lagging far behind all the other enthusiasts, each and every one of whom uses proper grammar in his or her online posts.”
--JCK
Sheer Terror Sets In As ARN&R Store Down Again
Millions of shoppers were brought to tears today as Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe went down again. "It's almost like they're too cheap to host the store themselves and are instead using some freebie place," said Bob Jones, ARN&R devotee.
Be patient. Your opportunity to give us money will return. We hope.
Millions of shoppers were brought to tears today as Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe went down again. "It's almost like they're too cheap to host the store themselves and are instead using some freebie place," said Bob Jones, ARN&R devotee.
Be patient. Your opportunity to give us money will return. We hope.
Enthusiast Whores Self For Discovery Channel
Scandal erupted among the ranks of the American Coaster Enthusiasts this week when member Hugo Monro confessed to making lies and exaggerations in order to be filmed by the Discovery Channel.
The network’s new fall roller coaster special, Top Ten 2002 Thrills, features five steel and five wood coasters judged to be the absolute best the world has to offer. Descriptions of the rides, including the universally beloved classics Hercules, Chiller, Flashback, Son of Beast, Paramount’s Great America’s Grizzly, and various Mind Eraser SLCs, are combined with point-of-view (POP) footage, as well as onboard enthusiast commentaries and interviews.
Said Columbus, Ohio native Munro, 25, “I’ve been racked with guilt ever since doing the special. I have always dreamed of giving my incisive coaster opinions to an enthralled television audience. Unfortunately, Discovery needed someone to do another damn Beast commentary, but I figured, what the hey, anything for my fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize my bald-faced lies would weigh so heavily upon my soul.”
While viewing the special, Munro became visibly distraught as he heard himself cheerfully uttering such preposterous statements as: “Beast is an airtime monster,” “no coaster on the planet Earth has better pacing,” and even “this ride has a good, fun roughness.”
Ultimately sobbing in regret, the enthusiast placed his head in his hands. “What was I thinking? I am such a whore.”
Munro’s self-described “completely absurd” on-board sequence followed, causing him to turn his eyes heavenward, as if asking forgiveness from a higher power. A particularly galling segment of Munro’s narration featured him screaming the following: “Yeah! There are no brakes…oof…(unintelligible)…anywhere. We’re about to…ugh…hit 90 fat miles per hour! Yeah! (unintelligible) Air! More air! Whoo-hoo! Right (unintelligible) best…oof…(obscenity) camelback on this (unintelligible)! Yaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaaah! (unintelligible) number one coaster ever!”
“Boy, that coaster sucked something fierce. I actually got battered so badly during that one ride that I couldn’t walk right for a week, but I just had to be on TV,” confessed Munro. “I have brought shame to my people.” Methodically banging his head against the top of his television set, he added in a barely-audible whisper: “The horror! The horror!”
--JCK
Scandal erupted among the ranks of the American Coaster Enthusiasts this week when member Hugo Monro confessed to making lies and exaggerations in order to be filmed by the Discovery Channel.
The network’s new fall roller coaster special, Top Ten 2002 Thrills, features five steel and five wood coasters judged to be the absolute best the world has to offer. Descriptions of the rides, including the universally beloved classics Hercules, Chiller, Flashback, Son of Beast, Paramount’s Great America’s Grizzly, and various Mind Eraser SLCs, are combined with point-of-view (POP) footage, as well as onboard enthusiast commentaries and interviews.
Said Columbus, Ohio native Munro, 25, “I’ve been racked with guilt ever since doing the special. I have always dreamed of giving my incisive coaster opinions to an enthralled television audience. Unfortunately, Discovery needed someone to do another damn Beast commentary, but I figured, what the hey, anything for my fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize my bald-faced lies would weigh so heavily upon my soul.”
While viewing the special, Munro became visibly distraught as he heard himself cheerfully uttering such preposterous statements as: “Beast is an airtime monster,” “no coaster on the planet Earth has better pacing,” and even “this ride has a good, fun roughness.”
Ultimately sobbing in regret, the enthusiast placed his head in his hands. “What was I thinking? I am such a whore.”
Munro’s self-described “completely absurd” on-board sequence followed, causing him to turn his eyes heavenward, as if asking forgiveness from a higher power. A particularly galling segment of Munro’s narration featured him screaming the following: “Yeah! There are no brakes…oof…(unintelligible)…anywhere. We’re about to…ugh…hit 90 fat miles per hour! Yeah! (unintelligible) Air! More air! Whoo-hoo! Right (unintelligible) best…oof…(obscenity) camelback on this (unintelligible)! Yaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaaah! (unintelligible) number one coaster ever!”
“Boy, that coaster sucked something fierce. I actually got battered so badly during that one ride that I couldn’t walk right for a week, but I just had to be on TV,” confessed Munro. “I have brought shame to my people.” Methodically banging his head against the top of his television set, he added in a barely-audible whisper: “The horror! The horror!”
--JCK
Saturday, November 23, 2002
S&S Power Launches New Assorted Meat Products Division
Continuing his pattern of acquisitions and expansions, S&S Power founder Stan Checketts announced yesterday the establishment of S&S Meat Parts, a wholly-owned subsidiary. S&S Meat Parts "will focus on the needs of amusement parks as it relates to meat and meat-related products," said Checketts, standing atop his new "Absolutely Insane Hot Dog Heater," rising four feet above the folding table at S&S's Logan, Utah, headquarters. "I don't know much about meat, but I know a good hot dog, and I know a guy with a lot of extra hog parts, so I think we're in good shape there. Plus, I can build these hot dog heaters using our patented launch air technology, and you should see those weiners fly through the air."
The first customer for S&S Meat Parts's products is reported to be Paramount's Kings Island, where the machine is expected to operate for four days and stand nonfunctional for the balance of the season.
Continuing his pattern of acquisitions and expansions, S&S Power founder Stan Checketts announced yesterday the establishment of S&S Meat Parts, a wholly-owned subsidiary. S&S Meat Parts "will focus on the needs of amusement parks as it relates to meat and meat-related products," said Checketts, standing atop his new "Absolutely Insane Hot Dog Heater," rising four feet above the folding table at S&S's Logan, Utah, headquarters. "I don't know much about meat, but I know a good hot dog, and I know a guy with a lot of extra hog parts, so I think we're in good shape there. Plus, I can build these hot dog heaters using our patented launch air technology, and you should see those weiners fly through the air."
The first customer for S&S Meat Parts's products is reported to be Paramount's Kings Island, where the machine is expected to operate for four days and stand nonfunctional for the balance of the season.
Massive ARN&R Traffic Brings CafeShops Server to its Knees
In a rush of traffic not seen since the online Victoria's Secret fashion show, tens of millions of loyal ARN&R readers rushed to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe and promptly brought the entire CafeShops system to a screeching halt. We apologize for the inconvenience; clearly, the hundreds of thousands of dollars we spent on the store will come back through protracted and vicious litigation.
Or maybe CafeShops is just having problems and it'll be back up soon (hopefully). In any event, we know it's broken. Your opportunity to give us money will come back soon.
In a rush of traffic not seen since the online Victoria's Secret fashion show, tens of millions of loyal ARN&R readers rushed to Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe and promptly brought the entire CafeShops system to a screeching halt. We apologize for the inconvenience; clearly, the hundreds of thousands of dollars we spent on the store will come back through protracted and vicious litigation.
Or maybe CafeShops is just having problems and it'll be back up soon (hopefully). In any event, we know it's broken. Your opportunity to give us money will come back soon.
Friday, November 22, 2002
ARN&R Store Opens; Looting Occurs Almost Immediately
After weeks of anticipation, Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe opened simultaneously earlier today with locations in London's prestigious Glaxonbury Shopping District, Park Avenue in New York, the Oevurue Malloiux in Paris, and Fargo, North Dakota (which demanded a location to avoid litigation over ARN&R's claim that it had been purchased to serve as a parking lot for Six Flags Over the Upper Midwest).
For shoppers not in one of those locations, there's also an online store with painstakingly-designed t-shirts and boxer shorts, with more to come. A better selection cannot be had in all the thirteen colonies, and there's nothing better to wear to an enthuiast event than something that will likely incur the ire of 95% of those around you. So, um, enjoy!
All proceeds will go to benefit ARN&R.
After weeks of anticipation, Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe opened simultaneously earlier today with locations in London's prestigious Glaxonbury Shopping District, Park Avenue in New York, the Oevurue Malloiux in Paris, and Fargo, North Dakota (which demanded a location to avoid litigation over ARN&R's claim that it had been purchased to serve as a parking lot for Six Flags Over the Upper Midwest).
For shoppers not in one of those locations, there's also an online store with painstakingly-designed t-shirts and boxer shorts, with more to come. A better selection cannot be had in all the thirteen colonies, and there's nothing better to wear to an enthuiast event than something that will likely incur the ire of 95% of those around you. So, um, enjoy!
All proceeds will go to benefit ARN&R.
Superman: Tower of Power To Premiere
Ending months of speculation, Six Flags Over Texas announced its new thrill ride for the upcoming 2003 park season last Friday. Beginning in the spring, Superman: Tower of Power will rise into the skyline.
The new attraction will consist of a trio of massive S&S Combo Towers, each of which will launch riders into the air, then blast them back down, using the company’s patented air-compression technology. At 315 feet tall, the ride will be a signature attraction at the original Six Flags-branded amusement venue.
Industry insiders are surprised at the choice of theming. Said a competing park’s general manager, who spoke on condition of anonymity, “The superhero theming was getting tiresome, but it was at least a proven marketing tie-in. I’m not too sure about this Tower of Power thing, but best of luck to them.”
In keeping with that Tower of Power theme, the area around the ride will be transformed to look like a moderately sized arena, and funk and soul hits will blare from loudspeakers. The crowning glory will be the extensive participation of the actual Tower of Power band. Legendary baritone sax man Stephen “Doc” Kupka will provide an ominous backstory over monitors in the preshow area, while actual members of the band will perform on the ride while it is in progress.
Said SFOT manager Elliot Bergman, “We know some people may wonder about the strategy of theming a ride to a long-time brass soul band. It will work out just great. Some folks at the home office have been worried about reduced capacity, since 6 of the ride’s total of 36 seats will be taken up by a rotating cast of band members at all times, and the band itself has some unfounded concerns about keeping time and pitch while being separated on the different towers and getting blasted up and down at 60 miles per hour, but we think the difficulties are more than compensated for by the unique immersive experience.”
Bergman refused to confirm rumors that sometime Tower of Power collaborators Huey Lewis and the News would be performing on top of the giant ride on weekends, but did add cryptically that he “could imagine nothing more thrilling than blasting up and down hundreds of feet in the air while listening to ‘Stuck With You’ and ‘Hip To Be Square.’”
--JCK
Ending months of speculation, Six Flags Over Texas announced its new thrill ride for the upcoming 2003 park season last Friday. Beginning in the spring, Superman: Tower of Power will rise into the skyline.
The new attraction will consist of a trio of massive S&S Combo Towers, each of which will launch riders into the air, then blast them back down, using the company’s patented air-compression technology. At 315 feet tall, the ride will be a signature attraction at the original Six Flags-branded amusement venue.
Industry insiders are surprised at the choice of theming. Said a competing park’s general manager, who spoke on condition of anonymity, “The superhero theming was getting tiresome, but it was at least a proven marketing tie-in. I’m not too sure about this Tower of Power thing, but best of luck to them.”
In keeping with that Tower of Power theme, the area around the ride will be transformed to look like a moderately sized arena, and funk and soul hits will blare from loudspeakers. The crowning glory will be the extensive participation of the actual Tower of Power band. Legendary baritone sax man Stephen “Doc” Kupka will provide an ominous backstory over monitors in the preshow area, while actual members of the band will perform on the ride while it is in progress.
Said SFOT manager Elliot Bergman, “We know some people may wonder about the strategy of theming a ride to a long-time brass soul band. It will work out just great. Some folks at the home office have been worried about reduced capacity, since 6 of the ride’s total of 36 seats will be taken up by a rotating cast of band members at all times, and the band itself has some unfounded concerns about keeping time and pitch while being separated on the different towers and getting blasted up and down at 60 miles per hour, but we think the difficulties are more than compensated for by the unique immersive experience.”
Bergman refused to confirm rumors that sometime Tower of Power collaborators Huey Lewis and the News would be performing on top of the giant ride on weekends, but did add cryptically that he “could imagine nothing more thrilling than blasting up and down hundreds of feet in the air while listening to ‘Stuck With You’ and ‘Hip To Be Square.’”
--JCK
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