Howl-O-Scream Schedule and Attractions Announced

Busch Gardens Tampa made a veritable passel of information available this evening, as the park launched the website for the 2003 Howl-O-Scream event. Featuring scare zones, haunted houses, and night riding on certain coasters and other attractions, the event will take place on October 3rd, 4th, 10th, 11th, 16th, 17th, 18th, 23rd, 24th, 25th, 30th,and 31st, as well as November 1st. ARN&R is pleased to give the exclusive scoop on what the six haunted houses will unleash upon horrified guests.

Returning from last season will be the popular Ripper’s Row and Mortuary houses. However, there will be four all-new haunted attractions that will, in the words of one confidential spy from high up in park management, "scare the living s%$# out of everyone."

First off will be Lorikeets of Utter Damnation. Guests will enter the Lorikeet Landing area to view the brilliantly colorful birds, after which the small, Satan-possessed avians will violently pluck out guests’ eyeballs for use in merry games that our source assures us “the children will just love.” There will be the usual extra charge for the little cups of nectar the guests can use to feed the Lorikeets.

Next will be Serengeti Hunt, where guests will be rubbed down with ripe meat drippings and then locked in the lion paddock in Edge of Africa. “Many of our guests have mentioned that the Universal parks have had a haunted house that featured a lot of running around in the dark past scary rooms,” said our source. “This is our version, and we assume that the incentive of not being ripped limb from limb and devoured by a hungry pride of big cats will keep mood-spoiling troublemakers from having a negative effect on those parkgoers who are really trying to have fun.”

The third new haunted attraction will be the Swamp of Unholy Terror, where visitors negotiate a complex obstacle course through mud, gurgling water, and fog. The ultimate peril of the swamp lies in a climactic encounter with a deadly river otter. “We’re still working on this one,” admits the source. “Although our marketing indicated the river otter would be an excellent choice for loosening the vocal chords, and bowels, of our scared-stiff clientele, it appears that many people find the river otter to be ‘amazingly cute’ rather than ‘the most horrifying nightmare beast they could ever imagine.’ We’ve had to fire some of our design team over this one, but we’re tinkering with the thing and it’ll be really good by October. Just out of curiosity, lots of people are really freaked out by soft, fluffy little bunny rabbits, right? No? Oh well.”

And finally, the source indicates a fourth haunted house will be King Tut’s Tomb. When confronted by the information that this is a standard BGT attraction that has been operating at the park for a number of years, the source claimed that “it might not be the least bit scary, but King Tut’s Tomb is definitely the most horrifying thing we could think of to subject people to. We think that pile of crap’ll be the hit of the Howl-O-Scream!”

--JCK

Six Flags Finds Billion Dollars

In an announcement that company spokespeople insisted had nothing whatsoever to do with the recent collapse of its stock price, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. issued a press release today informing the investing public that it had "found" roughly one billion dollars.

"It was the wildest thing," said Gary Story, chain COO. "This one guy who's run the Dippin' Dots stand at The Great Escape for the past three seasons had never quite learned how to turn in his till at the end of the day, and nobody ever noticed. Well, he finally called in sick one day and the person who took his place told us he'd found a lot of money stuffed in the cash register. And, since Dippin' Dots is pretty much free to make -- you know, one part cow urine, one part sugar, and a whole lotta dry ice -- that's pretty much pure profit. You hear that, Wall Street -- profit! From us!"

Company accountants counted the money carefully and determined that the stand had collected $1.05 billion dollars over the past three years. "It's been pretty hot here," said Great Escape food service manager Katherine Danke in an interview with Gary Story standing directly behind her. "For, um, three years. And there have been some serious lines there at the Dippin' Dots booth, and I don't need to remind you that Dippin' Dots is the ice cream of the future."

Six Flags's stock price was up 85% on the news.

In what we are certain is completely and totally unrelated news, thirty-four banks in a ten-mile radius around Six Flags's corporate offices in Oklahoma City reported being robbed by criminals dressed in Time Warner cartoon character outfits, with a total loss of just over one billion dollars.

Breaking News -- Six Flags Magic Mountain to Run for Governor of California

While details are still sketchy, ARN&R can exclusively report that Six Flags Magic Mountain has decided to enter the race for governor and filed the necessary paperwork quietly several days ago. "Heck, we only lost $100 million last year -- that's a whole lot less than Gray Davis has!" said the park in an exclusive interview. Initial reports have the park's platform being based on spending billions of dollars on experimental highways that will never actually operate as designed.

--AT

Hersheypark to Build World's Fastest Hydraulic Elevator

Hersheypark amusement park, in world famous Hershey, Pennsylvania, announced yesterday at high-noon that something big and exciting would be coming to central Pennsylvania's largest thrill park in the year 2004. The announcement came along with an announcement that its launched coaster plans had been cancelled due to "a really slow year of sales at the roasted nuts booth."

"We're absolutely thrilled about our newest, currently unnamed attraction for the 2004 season," said a Hersheypark public relations official. "Our planning and development department keeps up on all the latest trends and new technologies. Of course when we heard about the latest thrill ride technology, hydraulics, we were overjoyed. We knew that we would want to be among the first to install one of Intamin's exciting hydraulic beasts so we set to work on a concept for an amazingly fun and amazingly reliable ride."

Hersheypark noted a few days before the announcement that their new thrill ride would be a "third of a kind" attraction. "Of course the first two installiations of Intamin's hydraulic technology are Xcelerator at Knott's Berry Farm in Buena Park, California and Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point in Sandusky, Ohio, but we wanted something to really push the envelope," quipped Hersheypark's vice president of planning and development. "We wanted to thrill the socks off of our guests, hopefully increasing sock sales in our gift shops, and what we came up with was a super-high capacity thrill machine that we've codenamed "2004 Attraction."

He continued: "'2004 Attraction,' whose name will be chosen by park guests at our website, will defy gravity in not one, but two totally opposite directions! Not only will '2004 Attraction' move up, but it will also move down! It's going to be the most amazing and extreme thing anybody has ever seen!"

Yesterday at noon the park unveiled its monstrosity. Citing inspiration gained on a trip to Walt Disney World's Disney/MGM Studios and taking a spin on the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror and going for a ride in the Hershey public library's elevator to the basement, the park's P&D department, in conjunction with Herbert Schmeck and the crew at Intamin, designed the world's fastest and highest hydraulic elevator.

Hydraulic elevators, known for their lack of speed and limited height due to the deep shafts that must be bored into the ground for the car's support tubes, are often used in small commercial buildings such as office complexes, libraries, and some hospitals.

Sandor Kernacs, President of Intamin AG, had this to say about "2004 Attraction":

"We at Intamin were faced with several challenges. First, traditional hydraulic elevators cannot normally service beyond five stories due to the deep shafts that must be dug for the equipment. Second, they cannot normally travel at speeds beyond 2 km/h because of the hydraulic mechanisms that are employed. For '2004 Attraction' we were able to, after much thinking, double both of those figures. Our new hydraulic elevator will stretch ten stories and travel at speeds of up to 4 km/h! All of this with a minimal support structure that will admittedly have to be modified after a year of operation."

The marketing department at Hersheypark encourages all Hersheypark guests to vote on the name of their new ride at www.hersheypark.com. The three name choices are "Rent-a-guy," "Elevator Stampede," and "Storm Walker." Voting ends August 15th.

--WCT

Coaster Enthusiasts Lower Expectations, Find Love at IOA

In a daring move to perk up sluggish attendance, Universal Studios Islands of Adventure theme park in Orlando, Florida has announced a new dating service targeted at coaster enthusiasts.

“The ‘Single Riders’ lines at our top attractions are primarily for anyone who wishes to ride alone,” said Herschel Goodbody, Director of Public Relations. “But, since the predominant number of people who visit our parks alone are lonely, Croakie-wearing enthusiasts, we thought we’d try to entice them with the idea that they could make new friends and even find love in the single riders line.”

To launch the new program, ACE and Coasterbuzz members were enticed with ERT on Dueling Dragons. The attendees were given brochures written by Dr. Dikembe Billy-Bob Rittenhouse Arjumand Ktulu-Lieberman Svenson III with tips on making a good first impression and how to not drool during a conversation. The 250 men and 5 women also filled out questionnaires rating their top 5 coasters (wooden and steel),which was provided to ride operators to facilitate matchmaking. Orlando dating service Lowered Expectations™ provided complimentary on-ride photos so that the attendees could prove to their friends they had ridden next to a member of the opposite sex.

Later that day, two coaster enthusiasts, Jeanne “CPGoddess3454” Strudelkopf and Marty “IOAlover546” Greenblatz, found each other in the Single Riders line for IOA’s Hulk roller coaster. “We immediately connected – Marty was wearing a shirt from my home park, Knoebels.” said Strudelkopf. “It turns out we live in the same state!” The two exchanged IM screen names and planned to continue seeing each other by connecting via the Coasterbuzz meetup calendar. What Jeanne doesn’t know is that there will be a surprise from Marty on their next visit to IOA. “I plan to propose to Jeanne, and want to do it at Universal Studios Islands of Adventure. I’m not sure if I’ll pop the question on Fire or Ice, but wherever I decide, I hope she says yes!”

--MMS/CSB

Gravity Group Announces Opening of Check Cashing Store

After keeping the amusement industry waiting impatiently to hear its next big announcement, wooden coaster design firm The Gravity Group finally broke the silence and set October 1, 2003, as the hoped-for grand opening of its check-cashing franchise "Cash Now."

The store, to be located somewhere in suburban Cincinnati, will feature an array of financial and non-financial services centered on the franchise chain's famous "payday loan."

"We're thrilled to be able to provide check cashing services to whatever section of Cincinnati we end up in," said Michael Graham, one of the company's coaster designers and second-shift cashier. "We'll provide outstanding check cashing and other services, just like we provide great coaster maintenance and services to all of our clients...er, our one client, anyway."

When asked about the seeming disconnect between check cashing and coaster design, Graham professed confusion and said that "they're so closely connected it's not even worth talking about."

In related news, inside sources at the company insist that you did not see them applying for jobs at Pizza Hut.

Six Flags Stock Price Leaps on News of Talks with Ninth-Graders

Six Flags's ailing stock price had a boost yesterday on news that the company was discussing "strategic opportunities" with a ninth-grade course focused on allowance management. Most analysts believe that these talks encompassed far more than a simple partnership, instead contemplating a takeover of the park chain by the Oklahoma City area youths.

"This is terrific news for stockholders," said analyst John Terry. "The kids will definitely know how to run these parks far better than Gary Story and his ilk."

Austin Zalgo, one of the students, acted as the class's spokesman. "We're planning on making all of the coasters faster! And add loops to all of them! And we'll sell alcohol to everyone, whether or not they have an I.D.! And we'll get rid of all that crap for little kids and sell no drinks besides Mountain Dew." Zalgo added that the class had raised approximately $450 by selling candy bars; analyst Terry indicated that he felt that amount represented "a more than fair price" for the park chain.

Most industry analysts, while mildly skeptical of the class's plans, indicated a strong belief that those plans would be far superior to the bizarre strategy followed by current Six Flags management. They also expressed hopes for rumors of strategic talks with the Mob, the producers of Home Improvement, or former Enron executives.

Coming Soon: Six Flags Love Canal

In an unusual move, Six Flags Inc., which has a reputation for buying underperforming properties and seeking to turn them around, has signed a purchase and sale agreement for approximately 124 acres in Love Canal in New York. The site is renowned world wide as the recipient of the first Superfund, the largest federal hazardous waste cleanup in history.

"This purchase represents a significant step forward for our neighborhood," said Marcy Turcotte, a long time resident. "We bought our house here knowing that there was nowhere to go but up. I mean, living on a toxic waste dump was a good financial move but there really was nothing to do around here. Now we'll have Six Flags. I think they'll fit right in."

A representative from Six Flags, who spoke on conditions of anonymity, said this would be a challenge for the chain. "Unlike most parks we've purchased, this one is just a plot of land. So this will be our first property built from the ground up. But we're confident we've got a hit with Love Canal. It's a name with high recognition. We think it will dovetail nicely with the Six Flags brand. The site, right next to Niagara Falls, is a prime tourist area."

In 1978, Love Canal gained notoriety when toxic waste from years of dumping in the 3000-foot-long canal began surfacing in residents' backyards. The government proclaimed the area habitable after ten years of clean-up. Six Flags plans to incorporate a water park in the canal itself.

"There are some great ideas on the drawing boards," the representative said. "As with our other properties, we really want to focus on the local identity." Among the thrill rides being considered is a suspended looping roller coaster by Vekoma themed to Spiderman. "Spiderman is a great tie-in, since Peter Parker was a victim of radiation poisoning," the representative continued. Other attractions will include an interactive simulation ride through a nuclear reactor that melts down and a stunt show based upon the popular comic book character Toxic Avenger. If approved by local councils, Six Flags hopes to have the park ready for the 30th anniversary of the Love Canal incident.

Six Flags Inc. currently owns two other properties in the state: The Great Escape in Lake George and Six Flags Darien Lake in Darien Center. When asked whether three Six Flags parks within a few hours drive of each other were too much, the representative responded, "You can never have too much Six Flags."

--JRD

Kennywood Announces Updates For Older Attractions

Exciting news from Kennywood Amusement Park reached ARN&R tonight, as the legendary venue announced a series of extensive refurbishments and updates to what the upper management refers to as “those boring, stupid, crappy old rides that suck ass and stuff.”

The first ride to be reworked is the Old Mill, which is beloved by longtime park visitors and amusement park buffs for being one of the last remaining “tunnel of love” boat attractions left in the world. Standing since 1902 and featuring a nostalgic and extensive boat ride past numerous scenes, the historically important attraction was deemed by management to be “completely dorky, and in need of some radical theming.” The ride is slated to become Garfield and Odie 3D, featuring what a park manager refers to as “reasonably historically accurate scenes representing Garfield and Odie eating, defecating, and starring in unwatchable television specials.” A park insider tells ARN&R that the attraction will produce “a sensory overload.”

Aside from the visual and audio stimulation provided by animatronics and projected 3D film segments, the other senses of the passengers will also be assailed. Says the inside source, “The ride will feature three separate sections where mountains of cat dander and hair will be blown into passengers at 50 miles per hour. The smell of cat spraint will be overpowering. And several random boats per hour will have a very angry stray tomcat thrown onto a passenger’s head, so the riders will know what it would be like to be ripped limb from limb by Garfield if they were to piss him off.”

The Garfield and Odie 3D ride is only the first of the “old, stupid, worthless Kennywood rides” to be re-imagined, stated a park rep. Other rides to be spruced up include the Jack Rabbit, which will be torn to the ground and given an exciting, all-new steel structure that allows for loops and tight turns, an upgrade reportedly to be provided by French designer Soquet. The Thunderbolt will have its boring, dumb tracer lights, classic trains, and unique logo removed, since they are historical and therefore idiotic. The entire structure will run with Morgan trains and the structure will be painted puce and teal, with paisley highlights. And finally, the rare Turtle attraction will have LIMs attached so that riders no longer have to experience nostalgia in a gentle, fun, undulating manner, but instead will feel it in their spleens as they rocket in tight circles at 80 miles per hour.

“History sucks balls,” said the rep. “Marketing kicks ass!”

--JCK

Queer Eye For The Straight Guy "Gives Up" On ACE Member

The taping of a recent episode of Bravo TV's new series, Queer Eye For The Straight Guy, was halted after the five stars of the hit show decided unanimously that there was just no possible way that they could make their most recent straight guy appear attractive or seem even remotely interesting.

The episode was to feature ACE member Lance Fargun getting a makeover by the Fab Five while everyone discussed the latest and greatest new roller coasters and other amusement park happenings around the country. As a promotional tie-in, the group was also scheduled to make a post-makeover appearance at Six Flags Great Adventure in Jackson, New Jersey. Those plans have been scrapped as well.

The cast and crew realized as soon as they met Lance that they had quite a challenge ahead of them. After all, how easy could it be to make a hirsute, 310-pound, smelly, balding, Star Trek obsessed, coke bottle glasses wearing, roller coaster loving, freak of a geek seem at all interesting, much less look attractive? Confident in their abilities though, the Fab Five bravely move forward in their quest to reinvent Lance Fargun.

Taping had just barely begun when the cast and crew of the show started to realize their mammoth mistake. Fashion savant, Carson Kressley, was the first to express dismay at the situation. "There is just no @#$%-ing way that I can make you look trendy, hip and fashionable in a ratty old armpit-stained, moth-eaten Cedar Point Millennium Force t-shirt and a @#$%-ing scummy old jean jacket with ridiculously hideous roller coaster patches stuck all over it," Carson was overheard shrieking at Lance. "And, for the tenth, eleventh and twelfth time, NO, NO, NO, you do not look sexy in an official ACE club muumuu either," Carson continued.

Grooming Guru, Kyan Douglas did not have it any easier. After spending twenty minutes trying to guess which part of Lance's body each revolting odor was emanating from, thirty minutes filing the fungus off of Lance's toenails and two hours shaving the hair from Lance's back, ears, nose, toes and buttocks, a physically and emotionally drained Kyan fell to the ground, curled up into the fetal position and sobbed hysterically until his coworkers carried him off of the set.

Food and wine connoisseur, Ted Allen made one final unsuccessful endeavor to salvage the taping by attempting to educate Lance on fine food preparation and choosing the right wines to go with the right foods. However, after listening to Lance rant on and on incessantly about how "any meal without gravy, deep-fried Twinkies or at least something fried in hog lard" couldn't possibly be worth eating and how "Thunderbird is the best wine ever, and it already goes with everything", Ted realized that the five makeover mavens were in way over their heads with this project. The Fab Five quickly convinced the rest of the crew that it was time to pull the plug on this particular lifestyle conversion.

Lance was not the least bit taken aback by the whole turn of events and, if fact, was quite relieved to see the show leave. "At first, I thought it would be fun, and I hoped that maybe being on TV would help me score with some chicks. But, after that fruity design guy tried to tell me that it was time to take apart my K'nex roller coasters and put them away and when he suggested that maybe I shouldn't be wallpapering my apartment with amusement park brochures and souvenir photos of me riding roller coasters and eating churros at Six Flags Magic Mountain, I knew that these guys didn't really have a clue about anything," said Lance.

When ARN&R reporters asked Bravo TV if the show might consider replacing Lance with another, less disgusting ACE member for a future production, the show's producers responded by noting that their exhaustive interview and audition process had already eliminated every other member of ACE and that Lance was, in fact, the least repulsive member of ACE that the show could find. The show also held several unsuccessful auditions with members of fellow coaster enthusiast group, The Coaster Zombies, before abandoning the idea completely.

--JWS