Ride Described as "Better on TV"

Medusa, the highly-regarded B&M floorless looper at Six Flags Worlds of New Jersey Adventure, is way better on TV, claims enthusiast Donal Usher, 30.

"Everyone thinks it's so much better to see one of these things live," said Usher. "Heck, I always assumed experiencing a live coaster was way better than any other activity you could possibly do. But then I went to the park and sat there, and I realized that it's way better to see it on TV.

"First off, that park has really expensive food. The sandwiches were seven bucks. A damn Miller Lite cost me 6 bucks and came in a plastic bottle, I guess because the level of clientele at Six Flags is about like being at an Eagles game, so they're afraid of the queue area getting pelted by debris if the home team screws up, say, and doesn't run all three trains. At home, if you watch a good coaster on video or DVD, you can have lots of cheap snacks and pizza and beer right there in the fridge. Or sitting in a pile on your lap. You might also have a cute guinea pig to pat on the head, and they usually don't allow those on the actual coaster.

"Really, if you go to the coaster live, the action is way far away most of the time, and there's no instant replay or closeups. When I watched Medusa on America's Greatest Roller Coaster Thrills: The Next Generation a couple weeks ago, I noticed that you get great onboard ride footage and closeups, and you can replay all or parts of it anytime you want. They also speed up the footage to make it seem way faster, which is a cool trick you don't get live.

"And last but not least, on my DVD player, I can use freeze frame to lock Medusa in its most thrilling pose so I can masturbate in the privacy of my mom's basement. Just try that while you're doing Medusa live and in person and see what they say."

--JCK

Very Special Rerun

So, you see, we're kinda busy today, and we really meant to do our homework, but we got distracted by, y'know, stuff. So we thought we'd provide our faithful readers (both of you!) with a rerun of one of our favorites that you might have missed, since it ran back when even fewer people visited. With the offseason upon us, we figure you might be looking for a hobby. No need to thank us.

Enthusiast Planning to Get Really Into Porn During Offseason

This article originally appeared last October.

As the amusement park season comes to an end, many enthusiasts start thinking about what to do with their free time during the following six months. Some do crafts, others travel, and still others obsessively visit coaster-oriented sites every 45 minutes hoping for an update on what program the flat rides at their home park will be running.

But Paul Fedder has decided to go in an entirely different direction: pornography.

"I figured, that's something I can obsess about even more disturbingly than I do coasters, it allows me to maintain my hours-at-a-time on the computer I'm already used to, and it'll educate me enough that I'll be a real catch once I enter the dating pool," said the seventeen-year-old Fedder, who says he's "saving himself for college girls."

Fedder has already obtained several false adult identification numbers for access to those sites that require age verification, and used his dad's credit card to obtain over five hundred dollars in PayPal funds for paying for private sites. He says he's still getting the lay of the pornographic land, but thinks that he'll gravitate towards "classic porn, just like I love the classic wooden coasters, going up and down and up and down and up and down..." His voice trailed off.

"I gotta go."

Top Thrill Dragster Cars Recalled Due to Fuel Tank Problem

In news that stunned the amusement industry, Intamin today announced a recall of all Top Thrill Dragster trains due to fuel tank safety issues uncovered in standard government testing.

"It's the darndest thing," said company spokesman Julie Harding. "We didn't even remember that we'd put a fuel tank in there -- I guess we just got a little too excited with the theming."

According to officials from the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration, the Dragster's forty-gallon fuel tanks, which are attached to nothing, are prone to leakage and, if involved in a rear-end collision, could explode. No reports of injuries have occurred, but the recall is still being treated as the highest priority. The design flaw was found in the NHTSA's routine crash testing.

Cedar Fair head Richard Kinzel described the potential explosions as a "minor issue." "Really, who doesn't have problems like this with a new ride? I totally understand why Intamin included a forty-gallon tank of flammable liquid on trains that do not in fact have engines -- just a little quirk of having one of the most advanced rides on the planet!"

In the meantime, a small but vocal group of enthusiasts have started an advocacy group lobbying Cedar Fair to place the fuel tanks on Mean Streak's trains along with several lit acetylene torches.

Canada's Wonderland Announces Flying Coaster Upgrade

The mighty voice of tens and tens of enthusiasts made itself heard again this week, as Paramount Canada's Wonderland, possibly the most awkwardly-named park on the planet, announced major changes to its new Zamperla/Volare flying coaster, called, in a spasm of creativity, "The Flying Coaster."

"We heard a lot of people didn't like the one at Elitch Gardens," said spokesman Jonathan Selby. "So we've really improved this one."

Chief among the improvements, according to Selby, is the improved station music. "We've gotten rid of the stuff that Zamperla encouraged us to use, like that 'I Believe I Can Fly' crap. Instead, we've got some good Canadian music from Bryan Adams, Paul Anka, and Celine Dion. Oh, and Bachman Turner Overdrive. The kids these days love that BTO!"

Also improved are the colors of the trains. "No more orange track!" exclaimed Selby. "We now have green track! It will be much better."

When asked if Zamperla had made any modifications to the design of the coaster itself, Selby looked puzzled. "Why would they? That coaster rules. It just needed some minor cosmetic changes."

Meet Your Idols

It's official (well, as official as is possible): a significant majority of ARN&R's intrepid reporters will attend the Phoenix Fall Funfest (we refuse to use all those "ph"s). And we'll have our 350th anniversary t-shirts on, and extra shirts for sale for cheap.

Drop us a line if you'd like to meet up and will promise not to injure us. We certainly didn't mean whatever we said about your home park, website, favorite ride, or attractiveness to the opposite sex. Unless, of course, you like Frontier City. In which case, um, your park sucks.

Download Icons, Ensure Mockery

We're particularly pleased this week to acknowledge the efforts of CoasterIcons, our Site O' the Weak for this week. Not just because it offers for download -- for free! -- small coaster-related icons that you could use for...um...something...but also because each of those icons clearly required tens and tens of seconds to design.

Consider, for example, the Deja Vu icon for Six Flags Magic Mountain (and Great America). The striking two-sorta-not-that-bland-color design! The precision graphics! This is graphic design right up there with the Chopping Block, we tell you.

But what we like better is this: CoasterIcons nominated itself. Thanks, Mr. CoasterIcons! [A word of clarification: Turns out the actual operator of CoasterIcons didn't nominate it; instead, one contributor to the site did. We are uncertain if this makes the site cooler or less cool.] [Absolutely critical hugely important breaking news: As it turns out, we did hear about it from the Grand Poobah of CoasterIcons and from a contributor. ARN&R is freakin' huge among people making icons (purpose unknown to us) relating to amusement parks.]

Twilight Zone Tower of Terror Enters Betty Ford Clinic

According to rival hard amusement park news site Screamscape, the Twilight Zone Tower of Terror attraction at Disney Studios Theme Park is entering a rehab program. Although Disney officials had been trying to keep this news hidden, for fear it would hurt the image of the long-popular attraction, the paparazzi caught the Tower entering the Betty Ford clinic today. Photographs of a visibly distraught ride appeared in the muckraking tabloids Star, the Weekly World News, and Amusement Today.

"The difficulties of the Tower of Terror are its own business," said Disney rep Margot Ratigan. "We ask that the media and the scum of the general public please leave this ride alone and allow it to focus on recovery and being with its family in its time of need."

"I never saw this one coming," said Tower colleague and friend Rock 'n' Roller Coaster. "I thought he'd learn from my example, but it didn't happen. I mean, after spending my whole life hanging around with Aerosmith, I was loaded with coke, booze, crystal meth, heroin, and p%ssy 24 hours a day. I needed help and I fought my way through my Disney rehab. I thought Tower would see what pain I caused myself and others and make certain not to follow in my tracks, so to speak. I guess I wasn't forceful enough in trying to warn Tower, and now he's suffering just like I did. I blame myself."

"You always think you're immune," said the Magic Kingdom's 10,000 Leagues Under the Sea from its padded room. "But anyone can become addicted, and not everyone ever gets out. I kept denying I had a problem, and then Disney shut me down for my rehab. Well, instead of fixing myself up, I kept going back to my old pattern, and then I'd be in and out of rehab programs and the county jail, and eventually they just gave up on me and left me to rot. I hope Tower is reading this, and I hope he sticks with the rehab program and changes his life. It's too late for me, but he can still survive and be a better ride."

Representatives of the Betty Ford clinic refused to confirm whether Twilight Zone Tower of Terror would be staying at the Metallica suite, the Aerosmith cottage, or the Charlie Sheen wing of the property.

--JCK

Hurricane Moves Inland

After battering the coasts of North Carolina and Virginia Thursday, Hurricane Isabel moved inland, heading through the interior toward Pennsylvania overnight. This news was extremely troubling to some coaster enthusiasts.

"I had no idea that ride was going to be moved," said Ohio American Coaster Enthusiast member Hugh Jazz, 45. "I was doing my usual thing, skipping my shower to eat another deep-fried turkey while downloading porn and looking at Top Thrill Dragster videos simultaneously, when I flipped on the TV and saw all this Weather Channel crap about the Hurricane travelling northwest.

"First of all, I'm surprised...I thought this coaster was pretty highly regarded, seeing as it's the most popular ride at the Myrtle Beach Pavilion. But I know that park is moving to a new location in a couple years, so maybe they couldn't afford to keep Hurricane when they moved, so they went ahead and sold it now. I just wonder what park it'll be going to. They were saying on the broadcast how it was headed through Virginia and the Great Lakes region, and might end up in Canada. Maybe Paramount's Canada's Wonderland won't be adding some chump kiddie ride for next year after all."

Jazz noted that he was "kinda confused why Weather Channel would be the ones to break this story," but that he was "glad at least one station cared about important world events."

--JCK

Gemini Predicts Single-Day Capacity Record in Call to Hulk

Gemini, the brash elder statesman of coasters at Cedar Point, reportedly predicted that he would break the single-day capacity record this coming Saturday. The prediction came in a trash-talking phone call with his close friend Hulk at Islands of Adventure.

"I couldn't believe it," said Hulk. "Here's this old punk coaster calling me up talkin' trash, and he thinks that's not going to get me and my team motivated? We're gonna kick some serious Gemini ass this weekend, baby."

Analysts suggest Hulk's job may be tougher than he thinks. "Gemini is wily but also full of power," said USA Today coaster columnist Lon Pascalelliellily. "He can instantly tell if it's time to send out a half-empty train or if it's going to be worth it to wait to fill it up. He's really got a great vision of the whole course and of the crowds around his station and makes great decisions. And the other coasters and rides nearby are all great team players, randomly shutting down if they notice his line is getting short, trying to funnel more riders to Gemini."

Hulk is unconcerned. "We're Islands of f**king Adventure, man! Cedar Point was great back in the day, but now they're just pathetic."

Gemini has refused to comment, saying only that "We'll see what happens on Saturday, and we'll see who's still talking afterwards, and who has the single-day capacity record."

Vekoma to Announce Seatless Floorless Coaster

Responding to the growing popularity of coasters with "less" -- no floors, no over-the-shoulder restraints, and so on -- Vekoma is set to announce a seatless and floorless coaster, ARN&R can exclusively report.

"We know our rides are beloved throughout America for their smoothness, reliability, and comfort," said a spokesman for the Dutch company. "So we have taken the genius engineering skills developed through making SLCs and Boomerangs and put it towards developing this outstanding ride."

Sketches obtained from a confidential source indicate that riders will walk onto a platform not unlike those used for B&M inverted coasters. After standing in their assigned locations (marked with large circles on the platform), a vise-like apparatus will drop from above. Four sharp points ("with a layer of soft rubber for comfort!" notes Vekoma's spokesman) will be gently but firmly pressed into each rider's head to hold them in place.

"And that's it! That's all the restraints!" exclaimed the spokesman. "The platform will drop from under them, and the riders will enjoy 3,850 feet of fun hanging from their heads!" The course is expected to include a vertical loop, two inline twists, and a new element known only as the "vertebrae-cracker."

For safety purposes, an additional restraint will consist of a metal chain power-stapled to each rider's abdomen.