Join the Struggle Against ARN&R!
ARN&R is proud to announce that it has formally joined the battle against, well, ARN&R, in two ways.
First, we have formally signed the petition and urge you to do so as well. We can only hope that we will take our views seriously when we receive the petition with our signature on it.
Second, we have provided you several opportunities to pay us money in exchange for products that urge others not to pay us money. Go to the shop and check 'em out! We've got a shirt, a trucker hat, and a badass sticker.
Fight the power! Or at least buy a cheap sticker!
Monday, May 17, 2004
Flat Ride Debuts at Paramount's King's Dominion
A day long-awaited arrived at Paramount's King's Dominion yesterday, as the park unveiled its new signature flat ride, Sir Mix-A-Lot. The heavily-themed Zamperla Mixer is located on a platform above the park's signature Lake Charles. Unlike other rides in the park, Sir Mix-A-Lot will not be a part of any themed land, but is intended to stand alone as its own entity.
"Although the basic ride flips passengers around in time-tested ways, the extensive theming is what makes our ride unique," said PKD public relations director Flapjack Fishhead. "Note that the entire ride is custom-shaped to look like a nice, big, juicy, meaty, round ass. Park guests will just be beggin' for a piece of that bubble, don't you think?"
"This ride looks totally awesome," said theme park lover Thad Marks, 49. "It really looks like it's down to get the friction on. It's themed great, and it has lots of speed and a long ride cycle. It turns around and sticks you out. Even white boys got to shout!"
The site of the new ride had long been rumored as the eventual home of a second coaster that would intertwine with the nearby Ananconda, an Arrow four-looper. When asked whether this second rumored coaster might have been a better fit for the area than a booty-themed flat ride, Riddell held up a hand and informed reporters that "my Anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns."
"Ungh!" he added.
Aside from the extensive butt theming of Sir Mix-A-Lot, the ride also features a clear observation wall completely surrounding the ride, so that, according to Fishhead, excited guests can "put 'em on the glass" if they feel so inclined.
--JCK
A day long-awaited arrived at Paramount's King's Dominion yesterday, as the park unveiled its new signature flat ride, Sir Mix-A-Lot. The heavily-themed Zamperla Mixer is located on a platform above the park's signature Lake Charles. Unlike other rides in the park, Sir Mix-A-Lot will not be a part of any themed land, but is intended to stand alone as its own entity.
"Although the basic ride flips passengers around in time-tested ways, the extensive theming is what makes our ride unique," said PKD public relations director Flapjack Fishhead. "Note that the entire ride is custom-shaped to look like a nice, big, juicy, meaty, round ass. Park guests will just be beggin' for a piece of that bubble, don't you think?"
"This ride looks totally awesome," said theme park lover Thad Marks, 49. "It really looks like it's down to get the friction on. It's themed great, and it has lots of speed and a long ride cycle. It turns around and sticks you out. Even white boys got to shout!"
The site of the new ride had long been rumored as the eventual home of a second coaster that would intertwine with the nearby Ananconda, an Arrow four-looper. When asked whether this second rumored coaster might have been a better fit for the area than a booty-themed flat ride, Riddell held up a hand and informed reporters that "my Anaconda don't want none unless it's got buns."
"Ungh!" he added.
Aside from the extensive butt theming of Sir Mix-A-Lot, the ride also features a clear observation wall completely surrounding the ride, so that, according to Fishhead, excited guests can "put 'em on the glass" if they feel so inclined.
--JCK
Sunday, May 16, 2004
Enthusiasts Have Questionable Dining Experience
According to a group of enthusiasts, they experienced a highly suspicious and alarming incident while eating at Billy Don's Diner near Busch Gardens Williamsburg today. The four amusement park fans apparently stopped at the diner on their way to BGW in order to have a quick meal for a cheaper price than what they would expect the park to have. However, their choice of diner turned out to be problematic.
"The place was a little dirty and greasy," said Lionel Partridge. "But it smelled okay, so we figured things would be cool. But then when two of us ordered pancakes, the waitress told us we could have them with either syrup or compost."
"Naturally we figured she meant one of the options was compote, not compost," said Partridge. "But it was pretty hilarious to think of our pancakes appearing with mounds of rotting plant matter on them."
Partridge noted that things were considerably less mirthful when the pancakes actually arrived, for he and his companions were unable to tell for certain, either by sight or taste, whether the waitress had actually mispronounced "compote" or was indeed bringing them pancakes smothered in decomposing organic mush.
"I doubt a combination of cooked fruits could have made my bowels heave that explosively," said Partridge. "So it probably was the compost, I guess. Next time we go to Billy Don's, I'll just know to order the six-meat omelet instead."
--JCK
According to a group of enthusiasts, they experienced a highly suspicious and alarming incident while eating at Billy Don's Diner near Busch Gardens Williamsburg today. The four amusement park fans apparently stopped at the diner on their way to BGW in order to have a quick meal for a cheaper price than what they would expect the park to have. However, their choice of diner turned out to be problematic.
"The place was a little dirty and greasy," said Lionel Partridge. "But it smelled okay, so we figured things would be cool. But then when two of us ordered pancakes, the waitress told us we could have them with either syrup or compost."
"Naturally we figured she meant one of the options was compote, not compost," said Partridge. "But it was pretty hilarious to think of our pancakes appearing with mounds of rotting plant matter on them."
Partridge noted that things were considerably less mirthful when the pancakes actually arrived, for he and his companions were unable to tell for certain, either by sight or taste, whether the waitress had actually mispronounced "compote" or was indeed bringing them pancakes smothered in decomposing organic mush.
"I doubt a combination of cooked fruits could have made my bowels heave that explosively," said Partridge. "So it probably was the compost, I guess. Next time we go to Billy Don's, I'll just know to order the six-meat omelet instead."
--JCK
Friday, May 14, 2004
Enthusiast Grassroots Effort Leads to Zamperla Salesmen Retirement, End of Togo Comeback
An overpowering effort led by ACErs Jane Doldrum and Ernie "One Click" Raddish proved to be enough to stop a small group of Japanese investors from bringing Togo back from obscurity and into building high quality roller coasters, which they were well known for from the early 1980s through the mid 1990s.
Doldrum stated that the enthusiast community has had enough of roller coaster manufacturers building rides that they did not care for. In fact, just the week prior, her effort had led two salesmen from Zamperla to retire after they had received piles upon piles of hate mail, as a result of enthusiasts' bonding hatred over the Italian manufacturer's latest roller coaster model, "The Volare." Hate mail packages contained blood stained letters, rubber toy knives, and even an artist's rendering of Ron Toomer nailed to a crucifix made of bent wire hangers.
Officials at Zamperla refused comment while they work with their lawyers on collecting evidence, but we were able to get this comment from ACEr Doldrum: "We cannot go on any longer having parks buy rides like the Volare, when there are so many parks in need of a good airtime filled hyper coaster."
Honaguchi Mitusbishi and his group of investors were set to reintroduce Togo's extremely well received mega coaster line to the amusement industry. In a prepared statement, Mitsubishi stated that "Both Manhattan Express and Viper have proven to be two of the top rated steel coasters in the world, so we felt it only natural to pick up the ball where it was last dropped."
Viper, which debuted at Six Flags Great Adventure in June of 1995, has given millions of rides, but in recent years has only operated on a limited basis. "We have made an agreement with the park to only run the ride on days when we visited with potential clients to get feedback on the ride to see if investing in Togo was a worthwhile avenue to pursue," claimed Mitsubishi. He continued to add, "After getting off of the ride, most of our potential clients claimed to have really enjoyed the experience, but also claimed to have forgotten what they had eaten for lunch that day, or what their daughter's name was. We believed this short term amnesia might last just long enough to get their John Hancock on a contract, and a deposit in our pockets."
Upon hearing the news of Togo re-entering the coaster market with the mega coaster, Raddish came up with a creative and economical way to end the effort. "We simply used the same letterhead and hate mail message text that we sent to Zamperla, and simply changed the address." Over 2000 e-mails and hard copies were sent to Mitsubishi's office, which eventually led to their unconditional surrender and the official end of the Togo resurgence.
"This is a great day for enthusiasts everywhere!" claimed Raddish. "Rides like the Mega Coaster and Volare have no place in parks these days. We need more Terra Terra Terra."
--AJS
An overpowering effort led by ACErs Jane Doldrum and Ernie "One Click" Raddish proved to be enough to stop a small group of Japanese investors from bringing Togo back from obscurity and into building high quality roller coasters, which they were well known for from the early 1980s through the mid 1990s.
Doldrum stated that the enthusiast community has had enough of roller coaster manufacturers building rides that they did not care for. In fact, just the week prior, her effort had led two salesmen from Zamperla to retire after they had received piles upon piles of hate mail, as a result of enthusiasts' bonding hatred over the Italian manufacturer's latest roller coaster model, "The Volare." Hate mail packages contained blood stained letters, rubber toy knives, and even an artist's rendering of Ron Toomer nailed to a crucifix made of bent wire hangers.
Officials at Zamperla refused comment while they work with their lawyers on collecting evidence, but we were able to get this comment from ACEr Doldrum: "We cannot go on any longer having parks buy rides like the Volare, when there are so many parks in need of a good airtime filled hyper coaster."
Honaguchi Mitusbishi and his group of investors were set to reintroduce Togo's extremely well received mega coaster line to the amusement industry. In a prepared statement, Mitsubishi stated that "Both Manhattan Express and Viper have proven to be two of the top rated steel coasters in the world, so we felt it only natural to pick up the ball where it was last dropped."
Viper, which debuted at Six Flags Great Adventure in June of 1995, has given millions of rides, but in recent years has only operated on a limited basis. "We have made an agreement with the park to only run the ride on days when we visited with potential clients to get feedback on the ride to see if investing in Togo was a worthwhile avenue to pursue," claimed Mitsubishi. He continued to add, "After getting off of the ride, most of our potential clients claimed to have really enjoyed the experience, but also claimed to have forgotten what they had eaten for lunch that day, or what their daughter's name was. We believed this short term amnesia might last just long enough to get their John Hancock on a contract, and a deposit in our pockets."
Upon hearing the news of Togo re-entering the coaster market with the mega coaster, Raddish came up with a creative and economical way to end the effort. "We simply used the same letterhead and hate mail message text that we sent to Zamperla, and simply changed the address." Over 2000 e-mails and hard copies were sent to Mitsubishi's office, which eventually led to their unconditional surrender and the official end of the Togo resurgence.
"This is a great day for enthusiasts everywhere!" claimed Raddish. "Rides like the Mega Coaster and Volare have no place in parks these days. We need more Terra Terra Terra."
--AJS
Wednesday, May 12, 2004
Bob Edwards New Station Voice At Quassy
After NPR forced Bob Edwards out of his decades-long post as anchor of Morning Edition, there was a great deal of speculation about what he would do next. NPR said he'd be on as a "senior correspondent," but many expected a book, or perhaps even a jump to network news commentary. Few expected this.
Quassy Amusement Park in Connecticut announced yesterday that Edwards's sonorous baritone will be the new station voice, sharing greetings and warnings to guests. Henceforth, guests can look forward to hearing this:
"From Quassy in Middlebury, Connecticut, this is the Mad Mouse; I'm Bob Edwards. Please step into the cars and fasten your seatbelts. Keep all parts of your body inside the car at all times. Samantha Mathis is 33 today, and Jason Biggs is 25. Barry Diller will be speaking at the National Press Club today, and SpongeBob Squarepants will be greeting guests at the entrance this afternoon."
Reports that Sports Illustrated senior correspondent Frank DeFord will be brought in to provide narration and sports anecdotes on the Quassy Queen II on Wednesday mornings could not be confirmed.
After NPR forced Bob Edwards out of his decades-long post as anchor of Morning Edition, there was a great deal of speculation about what he would do next. NPR said he'd be on as a "senior correspondent," but many expected a book, or perhaps even a jump to network news commentary. Few expected this.
Quassy Amusement Park in Connecticut announced yesterday that Edwards's sonorous baritone will be the new station voice, sharing greetings and warnings to guests. Henceforth, guests can look forward to hearing this:
"From Quassy in Middlebury, Connecticut, this is the Mad Mouse; I'm Bob Edwards. Please step into the cars and fasten your seatbelts. Keep all parts of your body inside the car at all times. Samantha Mathis is 33 today, and Jason Biggs is 25. Barry Diller will be speaking at the National Press Club today, and SpongeBob Squarepants will be greeting guests at the entrance this afternoon."
Reports that Sports Illustrated senior correspondent Frank DeFord will be brought in to provide narration and sports anecdotes on the Quassy Queen II on Wednesday mornings could not be confirmed.
Tuesday, May 11, 2004
RCCGB Pickets British Medical Association Spokesman's Office
Yesterday, the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain (RCCGB) began creating what observers claimed was "a veritable wall" in front of the main entrance to the office of Dr. Simon Minkoff, a representative of the British Medical Association's junior doctors' committee, in protest of recommendations Minkoff has recently made.
Minkoff has garnered international notoriety recently through his suggestion that Great Britain combat its high national obesity rate by mandating smaller doors for fast food establishments, apparently limiting the fattening, greasy comestibles only to those slim enough to be able to handle them, or perhaps to those clever enough to have a friend order and bring the food out for them. But the doctor's suggestions have met opposition from the coaster club.
"This is a threat to our way of life, yea verily, to our very existence," said RCCGB member Ian Carter, waving an illegible sign in the air. "These so-called doctors and scientists think they know what's best for us, but they don't. They obviously have not considered the possible impact on coaster enthusiasts when making this suggestion. If they reduce the door size of fast food places, how are we supposed to eat during our many cross-country coach trips? I daresay the British economy will feel a sting if we can't get in those doors, because then we won't be able to make our trips at all, and the restaurant and theme parks industries will take a heavy hit."
Another leader of the protest, who requested anonymity, told ARN&R that, if the measure is enacted, all members of future RCCGB coaster trips will each be provided with a fresh pork chop, which they can use to slather down both themselves and the door frame, thereby making access to yummy cheeseburgers and fried chicken far more likely.
--JCK
Yesterday, the Roller Coaster Club of Great Britain (RCCGB) began creating what observers claimed was "a veritable wall" in front of the main entrance to the office of Dr. Simon Minkoff, a representative of the British Medical Association's junior doctors' committee, in protest of recommendations Minkoff has recently made.
Minkoff has garnered international notoriety recently through his suggestion that Great Britain combat its high national obesity rate by mandating smaller doors for fast food establishments, apparently limiting the fattening, greasy comestibles only to those slim enough to be able to handle them, or perhaps to those clever enough to have a friend order and bring the food out for them. But the doctor's suggestions have met opposition from the coaster club.
"This is a threat to our way of life, yea verily, to our very existence," said RCCGB member Ian Carter, waving an illegible sign in the air. "These so-called doctors and scientists think they know what's best for us, but they don't. They obviously have not considered the possible impact on coaster enthusiasts when making this suggestion. If they reduce the door size of fast food places, how are we supposed to eat during our many cross-country coach trips? I daresay the British economy will feel a sting if we can't get in those doors, because then we won't be able to make our trips at all, and the restaurant and theme parks industries will take a heavy hit."
Another leader of the protest, who requested anonymity, told ARN&R that, if the measure is enacted, all members of future RCCGB coaster trips will each be provided with a fresh pork chop, which they can use to slather down both themselves and the door frame, thereby making access to yummy cheeseburgers and fried chicken far more likely.
--JCK
We Feel Pretty, Oh So Pretty
This isn't so much a Site O' The Weak as a Greatest Concept Ever. But we don't really have that category, so Theme Park Diva: The Musical is forced to be in our Site O' The Weak.
Thrill to the story, such as it is! Express mild interest and surprise at the huge proportion of the cast that has actually performed in theme park shows! Thank self for deciding not to go into show business so as to avoid ever having been in a theme park show! Recoil in terror at this guy! Or this one! Consider buying some of their crap, but then decide to buy some of our crap instead!
And, mostly, wish you were in Orlando a year ago to go see this at the Fringe Festival!
This isn't so much a Site O' The Weak as a Greatest Concept Ever. But we don't really have that category, so Theme Park Diva: The Musical is forced to be in our Site O' The Weak.
Thrill to the story, such as it is! Express mild interest and surprise at the huge proportion of the cast that has actually performed in theme park shows! Thank self for deciding not to go into show business so as to avoid ever having been in a theme park show! Recoil in terror at this guy! Or this one! Consider buying some of their crap, but then decide to buy some of our crap instead!
And, mostly, wish you were in Orlando a year ago to go see this at the Fringe Festival!
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Enthusiast Eager to Take Dump in New Animal Kingdom Bathroom
Coaster Enthusiast Richard Serpa, 46, grew very excited today. The reason for this burst of enthusiasm, according to the friendless and jobless amusement park fanboy, was the fact that he came across a Disney's Animal Kingdom tribute page; the website featured a large array of photos of the construction for a new themed bathroom near the future Everest coaster in Animal Kingdom.
"Woah," said Serpa. "I can't wait to take a dump in that bathroom. I bet it's themed really awesome. Who wouldn't want to obliterate the porcelain in a fine-looking bathroom themed like that?"
Serpa went on to state that he had enjoyed the clean, private, and thematically enhanced public restrooms at dozens of amusement parks, and loved them all, but that he anticipated this would be "the most coolest one yet." He also mentioned, without provocation, that he intended to fill himself to bursting with greasy fast food and Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce the night before visiting Animal Kingdom for the restroom's opening day, so as to "really experience the attraction to its fullest."
--JCK
Coaster Enthusiast Richard Serpa, 46, grew very excited today. The reason for this burst of enthusiasm, according to the friendless and jobless amusement park fanboy, was the fact that he came across a Disney's Animal Kingdom tribute page; the website featured a large array of photos of the construction for a new themed bathroom near the future Everest coaster in Animal Kingdom.
"Woah," said Serpa. "I can't wait to take a dump in that bathroom. I bet it's themed really awesome. Who wouldn't want to obliterate the porcelain in a fine-looking bathroom themed like that?"
Serpa went on to state that he had enjoyed the clean, private, and thematically enhanced public restrooms at dozens of amusement parks, and loved them all, but that he anticipated this would be "the most coolest one yet." He also mentioned, without provocation, that he intended to fill himself to bursting with greasy fast food and Dave's Insanity Hot Sauce the night before visiting Animal Kingdom for the restroom's opening day, so as to "really experience the attraction to its fullest."
--JCK
Friday, May 07, 2004
Superman: The Escape Still Closed Due to Weather
According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Magic Mountain's Superman: The Escape is not able to operate this season due to weather conditions. Although baseless speculation has been made in the media that the ride is not operating due to safety problems, a catastrophic breakdown, or just to save money for the financially-suspicious Six Flags chain, ARN&R was recently assured by park reps that the sign in front of the attraction, the one that says "Current Weather Conditions Prohibit The Operation Of This Attraction," absolutely represents the truth.
Some observers, notably those troublemakers at Screamscape, have pointed out that the weather condition sign is suspect, considering that almost every day in Southern California the past two weeks has been warm and dry, with very little breeze and not a cloud in the sky. A quick chat at SFMM Guest Relations with "Trevor" and "Shaneequa" cleared the matter up once and for all. As they explained it to ARN&R, guests and the media alike have been reading too much into the sign, assuming the it actually refers to a specific type of weather that would keep a huge ride from operating, such as a thunderstorm, a blizzard, high winds, or massive tidal waves. In reality, the sign merely states that all weather conditions, of any sort whatsoever, prevent the ride from operating.
ARN&R calls on other media outlets to engage in responsible journalism, and to refrain from creating sensational stories where none exist.
--JCK
According to sources close to ARN&R, Six Flags Magic Mountain's Superman: The Escape is not able to operate this season due to weather conditions. Although baseless speculation has been made in the media that the ride is not operating due to safety problems, a catastrophic breakdown, or just to save money for the financially-suspicious Six Flags chain, ARN&R was recently assured by park reps that the sign in front of the attraction, the one that says "Current Weather Conditions Prohibit The Operation Of This Attraction," absolutely represents the truth.
Some observers, notably those troublemakers at Screamscape, have pointed out that the weather condition sign is suspect, considering that almost every day in Southern California the past two weeks has been warm and dry, with very little breeze and not a cloud in the sky. A quick chat at SFMM Guest Relations with "Trevor" and "Shaneequa" cleared the matter up once and for all. As they explained it to ARN&R, guests and the media alike have been reading too much into the sign, assuming the it actually refers to a specific type of weather that would keep a huge ride from operating, such as a thunderstorm, a blizzard, high winds, or massive tidal waves. In reality, the sign merely states that all weather conditions, of any sort whatsoever, prevent the ride from operating.
ARN&R calls on other media outlets to engage in responsible journalism, and to refrain from creating sensational stories where none exist.
--JCK
Thursday, May 06, 2004
ACE Or The Hole?
ACE (The American Coaster Enthusiasts) has found themselves in court once again. No, this time it is not suing Six Flags over Georgia for not having enough food at Spring Fling or PTC for making its trains too small. The club is currently being sued by ACE -- The Association of Club Executives. The battle is over who controls a simple acronym. Strip clubs are collectively suing the coaster-riding groupies.
Angelina Spencer, the group's executive director, recently derided the coaster enthusiast community. "If they think we're going to let our good name be soiled by those fanny pack-toting tools they can forget about it. I didn't stop dancing when I was seven months pregnant, so what makes them think I will give up this fight?" she fumed.
ACE President Carole Sanderson didn't understand what all the fuss was all about. "Sure we have common lettering," Sanderson commented. "But I don't think our groups are mutually exclusive. I believe we can peacefully co-exist and learn from one-another. For instance, we can teach them how to sing along in the station for 'one more ride' and they can demonstrate how they go 'one more time' with a customer after he has just finished."
The vagina-related ACE, which has recently taken up voter registration, sees no reason why they can't win. Spencer said, "Let's face it -- our girls have the goods. Who is the judge going to side with? A group that consists of mostly overweight, ugly men or chicks with big racks that will give him a 'happy ending' for free? That's not much of a choice."
Bill Linkenheimer, aka Link Daddy in coaster circles and ACE Grand Wizard emeritus, said the group isn't worried about competing with fat tats and loose lips. "Sure, they can grind on a judge's crotch, but can strippers talk for hours about which Six Flags park is better, Kentucky Kingdom or Elitch Gardens? I think not," the "Daddy" waxed philosophically.
The battle of the ACEs will be heard in the Florida district court and a trial date has not been set.
The case is JUGGS V. NERDS 36 FL 692.
--FMB
ACE (The American Coaster Enthusiasts) has found themselves in court once again. No, this time it is not suing Six Flags over Georgia for not having enough food at Spring Fling or PTC for making its trains too small. The club is currently being sued by ACE -- The Association of Club Executives. The battle is over who controls a simple acronym. Strip clubs are collectively suing the coaster-riding groupies.
Angelina Spencer, the group's executive director, recently derided the coaster enthusiast community. "If they think we're going to let our good name be soiled by those fanny pack-toting tools they can forget about it. I didn't stop dancing when I was seven months pregnant, so what makes them think I will give up this fight?" she fumed.
ACE President Carole Sanderson didn't understand what all the fuss was all about. "Sure we have common lettering," Sanderson commented. "But I don't think our groups are mutually exclusive. I believe we can peacefully co-exist and learn from one-another. For instance, we can teach them how to sing along in the station for 'one more ride' and they can demonstrate how they go 'one more time' with a customer after he has just finished."
The vagina-related ACE, which has recently taken up voter registration, sees no reason why they can't win. Spencer said, "Let's face it -- our girls have the goods. Who is the judge going to side with? A group that consists of mostly overweight, ugly men or chicks with big racks that will give him a 'happy ending' for free? That's not much of a choice."
Bill Linkenheimer, aka Link Daddy in coaster circles and ACE Grand Wizard emeritus, said the group isn't worried about competing with fat tats and loose lips. "Sure, they can grind on a judge's crotch, but can strippers talk for hours about which Six Flags park is better, Kentucky Kingdom or Elitch Gardens? I think not," the "Daddy" waxed philosophically.
The battle of the ACEs will be heard in the Florida district court and a trial date has not been set.
The case is JUGGS V. NERDS 36 FL 692.
--FMB
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