Boone's Gardens to be Newest American Theme Park

The Boone's Farm company announced today that it is building the first major North American amusement park themed to inexpensive fortified wine. Representatives of the company state that Boone's Gardens is on track for a May, 2007 opening at a newly developed site in central California.

A diverse array of flat rides, family rides, shows, and at least two roller coasters are slated to open with the park, which will have fanciful and exotic themed lands with names such as Wild Island, Snowberry Creek, Mango Grove, and Strawberry Hill. One major slated attraction will be a massive centrally-located winery where patrons can see how Boone's Farm is made, bottled, consumed, and used as an insecticide. And at the Country Qwencher Cafe, park guests will be able to experience free tastings of a myriad of succulent offerings from Boone's Farm's award-winning vintners.

Many industry experts believe the new park will spawn a host of similarly-themed ones from competitors seeking to capitalize on its almost-certain success. Although the makers of other high-quality American wines such as Mad Dog, Thunderbird, and Night Train are said to be interested in creating their own spectacular theme parks in the near future, no official plans have been announced to the media at this time.

--JCK

Terrible Father Is Great At No Limits

Alexis and Cassie Johansen wonder why their father doesn’t spend any time with them. After all, they’re six year-old twins, fun and all the neighbors say they’re the best behaved kids on the block. However, dad Steve isn’t concerned with their day at Kindergarten -- he has coasters to design. No, he isn’t the next Ron Toomer, or even the static calculation engineer on the Zamperla Volare project. After getting home from his job as a telemarketer, Steve spends between 4 and 6 hours at the computer, designing what will be the next big ride on a computer program called NoLimits.

"I am so good at this game," said a distracted Johansen. "I mean, seriously, who would have thought to put a diving loop right there." When I noted that Stengel had used the diving loop/heartline combo many times Johansen said simply, "F*ck off." After regaining his composure he told ARN&R that some of his coasters are custom, some are unique, but all are worth his time.

Wife Mary told me that when the family is doing home activities Steve is at the computer and when they go out it has to be an amusement park. She said, "Paramount’s Great America. We live a God-damned hour from God-damned Great America. Sure, we can take the kids once, or maybe even a few times. But do we have to go almost every week and ride almost everything? He would rather marathon on the Vekoma Invertigo than have sex. Oh Jesus, I just used its model name, didn’t I? Please make this stop." Mary then broke down and cried on this reporter's shoulder.

However, the patriarch sees no end in sight. Steve told me that this week he is doing a "killer" recreation of the coasters at Idora Park. "Next week I am putting the finishing touches on what I call 'The Ultimate Coaster.' I have already trademarked the name because I know that parks will want to use it for their next big ride. Kinzel’s already calling me -- I swear!"

On my way out this reporter spoke briefly with Alexis and Cassie about their day at school. Cass did finger painting while her sister read her first "big girl" book. I sat each young lady down and told each that their father had stopped loving them and that they should consider him dead to them. When Cassie said, "Daddy sucks," I knew I had gotten through to them.

--FMB

Coaster Enthusiast Mildly Embarrassed to be Seen With Friend

Self-professed amusement park nut and longtime ACE member Jason Bernero, 28, is currently embarrassed to be seen in public with his friend of several years, twenty-six-year-old Adam Capo, sources tell ARN&R. The reason? Questionable taste in roller coasters.

"Adam and I have been friends for almost six years, ever since we were in the same college dorm," said Bernero. "We've been through so much together, and we tell each other everything. We've remained best friends despite the fact that he isn't really a coaster enthusiast, like cool people should be. Hell, we're not just friends, we're more like brothers."

He continued: "But ever since we went to Lake Compounce last week, I've been avoiding him, and then if we do hang out, I sort of try to act in public like we don't know each other, just so people don't associate his behavior with mine. Frankly, his actions at the park caused me incredible shame, and I'm having a lot of difficulty getting past it."

The actions Bernero spoke of consisted of three that he referred to as "travesties of nature." First, when Capo boarded Boulderdash, he asked, without slyly winking or indicating in any way that the question was a joke, whether "this coaster [had] any loops." Then, when the ride was done, Capo allegedly claimed, loud enough for several people in the station and on the ride to turn and look at the pair, "that was pretty damn rough."

Finally, he dragged an irritated Bernero onto Zoomerang fourteen times in a row, after which he announced in a humiliatingly loud voice: "this ride kicks so much ass! It's got loops and goes backward! Why don't you like this better than that rickety wood thing? It's the best roller coaster on Earth!"

"All I have to say is, that dude better watch it with dumb comments like that," said Bernero. "If he keeps that up, he's never going to get any p*ssy. And that's why I'm really uncomfortable with people seeing us together and thinking we're pals. They make that assumption, and then maybe they also make the assumption that I'm not cool. Well, I'm not having that. I rode Boulderdash 1000 times last season, I have a massive collection of theme park fanny packs, and I have a website designed entirely for people to send me fawning comments about my illegal on-ride videos, so you know the chicks can't keep their panties on when they get near me."

"As good a friend as Adam is, I'm not letting him harsh that vibe I've worked hard to maintain," Bernero added in conclusion. "He shapes up, or maybe I ship him out."

--JCK

Slow Update Warning

Both ARN&R editors are traveling the next two weeks. For both, that may mean that time constraints prevent extensive updates; for one, there's the additional problem of probably not even having internet access the majority of his travels.

Furthermore, one of the site's regular contributors continues to insist on spending his valuable free time making fun of what a loser one of the editors is for creating a geeky Star Wars-themed article, instead of leaving hopelessly easy targets like that alone and turning his scathing eye toward coaster enthusiast message boards.

In other words, we aren't on hiatus the next two weeks, but updates may continue to be not that extensive. Don't celebrate too hard, now. And if you really miss us, you could always buy a nice T-shirt or Beast thong to while away the nanoseconds you would normally have spent reading our material.

--JCK

Cousin: Jabba Overly Dependent on Sarlacc

Jabba the Hutt was "far too reliant on the Sarlacc" for disposing of and torturing his enemies, said his distant cousin Dashka Bastila Desilijic in an exclusive interview today. According to the young Hutt, who had previously remained silent about his family's business dealings for over two decades, Jabba refused to so much as consider other means for causing unspeakable agony in helpless victims, means which might not only have been what Dashka described as "really fun," but may have also prevented his death and the destruction of his criminal empire at the hands of Luke Skywalker, Leia Organa, and their cronies.

"The Sarlacc was obviously and justifiably tempting to use," said Dashka. "After all, it's gotta be pretty crappy to be stuck in that sucker, slowly digesting over a thousand years. I was just worried that Jabba wasn't diversifying enough, that he was becoming too predictable in his methods. I told him so every time we talked over the Holonet, but the fat slug wouldn't listen to reason."

Dashka then added that he had frequently made a specific suggestion to Jabba regarding alternate methods of making his enemies suffer. "I directed Jabba to access a review of an event for full-time eBayers at Paramount's Great America. I was certain that merely subjecting someone to 18,000 full-time eBay sellers and their fawning use of the phrase 'eBay spirit' in one location would be enough to crush the victim's will to live.

"Then add to that the fact that the reviewer refers, without the slightest trace of irony, to the alleged 'celebrity status' of some sellers, and further manages to simper about how modest they are when someone fails to recognize them despite their high feedback rating. And how about when someone actually bids hard-earned money to ride some coasters with an eBay employee who is also a 'self-proclaimed amusement park enthusiast?' Already surrounded by Ebay obsessives and then paying to be saddled with a damn coaster tool all afternoon? If that's not a new definition of pain and suffering, what the hell is? Of course, Jabba didn't listen. He never did."

Dashka concluded by offering his opinion that "the Skywalker crowd" would probably have just disemboweled themselves with their bare hands to end the pain of being at the eBay event, rather than try to escape, a situation that would almost certainly ended with his cousin remaining alive.

--JCK

Ritalin Harpoon Enters Widespread Production

After years of bureaucratic and testing delays, a major new product in child behavior modification has been approved by the FDA for full-scale American production.

The Ritalin Repeating Harpoon, a gargantuan mobile device loaded with over three metric tons of the controversial drug, is expected to be available across the country as soon as early July, though industry experts caution that supplies may be somewhat limited until August or even early September due to the likelihood of consumer demand massively outstripping production speed.

The RRH has been created primarily as a means for amusement park owners to control the unending swarms of obnoxious, hyper little brats from running amok, pushing, destroying, screaming in high pitched voices, smoking, and cutting in line at their venues. It functions by launching foot-long hypodermic harpoons, each laden with a dose of Ritalin equivalent to seventeen standard bottles of the product, at a rate of 234 rounds per second through the modified Vulcan machine gun delivery system.

If the product proves successful at major amusement parks this summer, several pharmaceutical companies are expected to roll out modified versions for malls, schools, and cinemas by next spring.

--JCK

Hope You at Least Cracked the Window

If you've been reading our Breaking News over the past week, you're obviously aware just how horrified we are by one particular rec.roller-coaster post. If you haven't, then let us summarize: Basically, it concerns a caring, adoring coaster enthusiast father who proudly describes how he drove to an amusement park designed for kids, then left his son in the car while he rode the kiddie coaster, seeing as it would have cost 17 bucks for him to being the youngster along. For reaching a stratospheric realm of toolness that has possibly never been reached by another human, the post is our new Site O' the Weak.

Yeah, sure, we've spent most of the past few days ripping this thread already in the headlines, but really, if this doesn't deserve Site O' the Weak status, nothing does.

In related news, the original poster for the RRC thread has been nominated for the First Annual Absolutelyreliable Superior Parenting Award.

--JCK

Cedar Point Announces Marketing Changes

Cedar Point yesterday announced a series of additions to its public relations and marketing campaigns. Most public attention has been paid to its new OnPoint! Blog, but ARN&R is pleased to exclusively report the other changes:

• Cedar Point guests will now be greeted at the gate by "Mrs. Kinzel," one of a series of actresses hired to play Cedar Fair CEO's president Dick Kinzel's aunt. The actress will feign interest in each guest for up to 3.5 seconds, according to documents obtained by ARN&R.
  
  
• A new marketing campaign will highlight the availability of free water to all guests. Cedar Point will install three "water break" facilities throughout the park, consisting of a garden hose. The campaign will not note the contemporaneous increase in prices for sunblock to $19.99 per bottle.
  
  
• The marketing campaign will also note the availability of free inner tubes to the first eighteen guests daily to the park's water park. Small print will note that "In the unlikely event that an enormous crowd of more than eighteen guests visit the park, we will be glad to rent you one of our Emergency Backup Inner Tubes for the nominal charge of $13.95 per day."
  
  
• The park will hire a new PR director named Sol Bernie. Sol will participate in online forums and be "down with" his "homies," "speaking their language," just like OnPoint! "crazy" insider bloggers Tony and Tyler. Sources indicate it won't seem at all like a junior high English teacher talking about last year's boy band in a vain attempt to seem with it.

More on this breaking story as it develops...

The Only Con You'll Ever Need

Details to come, but it appears that there will be yet another AbsolutelyReliableCon at Valleyfair on Sunday, July 31, and Wisconsin Dells on Monday, August 1. Maybe a stop by the Mall of America sometime in there. (Its name -- who knows? WhiteTrashCon? CheeseCon? Beats-The-Hell-Out-Of-The-Previous-Weekend's-Con-Con?)

As usual, our gathering will feature absolutely no benefits for you -- indeed, not even a group discount as we did at ConeyCon. That said, get in touch if you think you might be able to make it to either day.

Teens to Ruin Adults' Lives This Summer

With the end of the semester approaching in most school districts within the next few days, area teenagers are filled with excitement. Excitement that there will be no classes for several months, that there will be loads of free time, and that, most importantly, they have weekdays free in order to make the existence of every adult in the country a living hell.

According to experts, high school students have spent an average of 19.634 hours each day for the past seven months daydreaming about having weekdays free so they can utterly destroy the possibility that any adults in their community can enjoy themselves for a single instant the entire summer.

"Any conceivable location where a normal human could actually want to be left alone can be expected to be inundated with obnoxious, screaming, ill-behaved teens," says Yale University Professor of Annoying Teenager Studies Dr. Burton Marshall III. "Adults who are accustomed to going out in public on weekdays and not being bothered by obnoxious teenagers should very closely monitor when their local schools plan to let out for the summer, in order that they are not utterly traumatized when the places they visit are inundated with brain-dead, immature assholes, even at 11 a.m. on a Thursday. Movie theaters, shopping establishments, and, particularly, amusement parks, are considered especially dangerous areas to visit."

"Me and my friends are going to Six Flags in groups of about 60 every day," claims Kurt Colnott, 16. "And then we'll spend the whole day shoving each other into other people, smoking in line, cursing loudly to show how cool we are, and being as much trouble as possible to other people there. It'll be awesome to see the looks on those people's faces when they realize school is out for the summer, so they can't go to an empty park on a Tuesday and actually have fun or ride anything!"

While teens like Colnott have ambitious plans for irritating the ever-loving shit out of adults on a worldwide level this summer, others are focusing on the lower-profile, but still highly important, task of sucking the will to live from the adults with whom they actually live. For instance, Pete Diyanni, 17, plans to sit around his parents' house all day, every day, doing nothing but watching television, saying that everything "sucks," and rolling his eyes profoundly every time his parents say anything. "I figure if I make their lives miserable enough with me being around all the time, when normally they'd have me out of their hair for several hours a day, they'll practically be begging me to start taking drugs, leading Satanic blood sacrifices in my bedroom, or even becoming a Cirque du Soleil enthusiast," he says.

Coaster enthusiast Kirk Jameson, 32, has discovered a solution to the issue: stay in his house the entire summer. "I just can't bear the idea of dealing with these asswipes the entire summer," he tells ARN&R. "Naturally, this will probably result in my being fired from work after I haven't shown up in two weeks, and, more importantly, I assume it will be difficult to add to my coaster count, but desperate times require desperate measures."

--JCK