ARN&R: A Cleansing Flush For All Your Worries

Iowa Enema Enthusiasts of the world unite! Yes, your unusual and geographically specific weirdo fetish is something we deeply and profoundly respect. Oh yes. However, we regret to inform you that we can't help you with it. Naturally, we'd love to have your runny poo all over our hands, but, tragically, we don't live anywhere near Iowa. Best to try some of those other sites you found in your search instead. Move along now.

Freaks.

--JCK

Girlfriend Unhappy With Valentine's Day Gifts

Area girlfriend Marcia Tallis, 25, is very unhappy this Valentine's Day, due to what she calls "grossly inadequate gifts" from soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend Tom Lassen, 24.

"All my friends have better boyfriends," sobbed Tallis. "Everyone I know is being taken out for expensive dinners, and they're getting flowers and chocolate and ridiculously overpriced jewelry. I'm pretty sure Kimmy and Chrissy are even getting engagement rings today, too. It's just so unfair."

"I don't understand what Marcia's problem is," said a bewildered Lassen, stopping to forge around in his left nostril with his thumb. "I actually remembered her favorite holiday this year and bought lots of cool, romantic gifts for her. What girl wouldn't love the huge poster of suggestively posed Coaster Zombies to hang on her wall? Or a Day-Glo green Coaster Zombie shirt? Or a sexy pink Zombie tracksuit? Hell, man, she better appreciate; that thing was 43 bucks!"

"It's just unbelievable that this guy would do all his Valentine's Day shopping at a coaster enthusiast website," said Tallis. "If he thinks he's ever getting any ever again, he's crazy."

"Maybe I'll steal Carrie's boyfriend Dave," she added. "He forgot to make dinner reservations again and he has really foul body odor, but he did at least give her a very tasteful and demure ARN&R Barbecue Apron. God, I'm jealous of that bitch."

--JCK

Shapiro Starts Ordering People Around At Knott's Berry Farm, Stop & Shop

New Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro has received press coverage all around the country as he visits each of the chain's parks to evaluate their status. The 35-year-old barks out orders at each park, ordering Six Flags Elitch Gardens, for example, to consider placing Bugs Bunny atop the park's observation tower. In recent days, Shapiro has been seen going a bit farther.

In a recent visit to Knott's Berry Farm (owned by competitor Cedar Fair), Shapiro directed the park to "immediately re-open" the long-closed Kingdom of the Dinosaurs, ordered a price reduction on the park's famous fried chicken, and demanded an explanation as to why Bugs Bunny and other Warner Brothers characters were not greeting guests throughout the park.

Similarly, while grocery shopping near Six Flags New England, Shapiro loudly criticized the produce displays. "Hey! I came up with [ESPN talk show] Pardon the Interruption, and I'm here to tell you those bananas should be up higher and we should put a huge Batman logo in the tile floor next to the papayas." Shapiro then fired the produce manager who refused to carve a squash in the shape of Mr. Freeze.

Be Sure to Crank Those Speakers to Eleven

When we first received this link, we weren't completely certain abut using it as a Site O' the Weak. After all, the webmaster hasn't updated the thing in years, and until we came along, bad coaster website designers had little to fear. It's more fun to rip on sites that have sprung up since we've been operating, and their sins can't be blamed on just being left dormant for years. And really, it's not a top-level site, but we've seen considerably worse. Daily, probably.

However, it occurred to us later that we'd really be doing the world a great disservice if we didn't tease someone a little bit for actually referring to themselves as "Ice B. Nice." Yes! Ice B. Nice! Gah! That and the fact that we got blasted by the music file when we linked to this site made us want to slap Mr. Nice on the wrist just a little as payback.

So, we present to you what we'll call the Site O' the Half Weak: the Ice B. Nice Roller Coaster Web Page.

--JCK

A response from the author:

If the premise of your site is to "rip" on people that's absolutely fine. Given my income and what I've been able to accomplish over the years, receiving "criticism" from you isn't difficult to overlook. You know nothing about me so you have no idea where the name came from. Those who do know me know the origin and that's all the counts.

As far as the site being old, I actually use it to emphazise to people the time it takes to administer a website (I'd just begun tinkering with HTML code). I don't mind being used as an example so long as it can help prove the point of website administration and the time it takes to maintain it. Whereas most people who have contacted about it (at least when it was more up-to-date) liked some aspects of it, others voiced their comments as well. So I understand and accept how it can be viewed positively and negatively.

I'm sure you won't print this email simply because most who criticize like to hide behind closed doors and can't handle criticism of themselves but if you'd ever like to meet in person, let me know as I'll be at various coaster events this year. I'll have just a little more repsect for you if you approach me in person (although to raise your respect from less than zero
won't be much).

"The Cool One" (is that a little better?)

Beech Bend Introduces New Rides, Names

It's official. The new GCI wooden twister opening at Beech Bend Park will be called the "Kentucky Rumbler," a name that has been greeted with near-universal acclaim from industry bigwigs, the general public, and even hard-to-please coaster enthusiasts. "I didn't think a coaster could ever have a better name than 'Boomerang: Coast to Coaster' or 'Pepsi Max Big One,'" said ten-year Coaster Banshee member Jimmy McArdle, 26. "But this new ride sets the naming standard by which all other new coasters will be judged."

But the Rumbler isn't the only newly-named ride at Beech Bend. Also undergoing a name change will be the former Looping Star, a Pinfari portable steel ride, which will become the "Brief Encounter." "We originally slated the Rumbler to be called the 'Brief Encounter,'" said park representative Wallace Bodie. "But when we came across that Rumbler name, we just had to use that because it's so brilliant. However, we knew Brief Encounter was a name many people had become wedded to and adored, so we decided to adopt the name for a different ride."

Bodie added that the name change to "Brief Encounter" would smooth out any "small rough areas of track" and "completely eliminate the shin abrasions, blunt cranial trauma, and fractured ribs" that riders frequently experienced when the coaster had its prior name.

Rounding out the list of new Beech Bend attractions will be a combination food stand and circular kiddie 4x4 ride, located right next to the Brief Encounter. In keeping with the steamy adult theme of the area established by the "Brief Encounter" moniker, the new double attraction will be named the "Lunchtime Hummer."

--PJS/JCK

Six Flags Park Receives Garbage Can

New Six Flags chief executive Mark Shapiro has been busy in his new job, touring amusement park facilities and instigating new policies for the chain. Shapiro has promised to make Six Flags parks decidedly more clean, beautiful, and friendly than they have been in recent years, though there have been suspicions in the amusement industry that his pronouncements are nothing more than an attempt to gain some much-needed good publicity, and that Six Flags parks will actually remain the vermin-infested hellholes that they currently are.

Shapiro silenced his critics today with a bold step that showed his new strategy was for real: he purchased a garbage can for Six Flags Elitch Gardens.

"It's our very first one ever," said the park's general manager Kathy Duquesne. "It was so beautiful when it was installed, it practically glowed. This major new installation reconfirms that Six Flags is determined to make our park the centerpiece of its holdings and a flagship property."

Employees of the park were initially confused with the strange new metallic bin when it was placed in front of them. Several poked at it confusedly, scratched themselves, or hooted lightly, while one eventually tried to crawl into it, apparently thinking it was a new form of ticket booth. Shapiro himself, with his trademark can-do spirit, demonstrated to the group how to put plastic bags inside the can and then showed them how nice trash looked when it was placed in the receptacle instead of thrown on the ground.

"I've never seen anything like it," said park manager Bailey Hutchins, 25. "What won't they think of next? That garbage can thingie is going to revolutionize the theme park industry. The only problem for me is that I work at the very back of the park and this new-fangled 'garbage can' will be near the front gate, so I guess I'll have to save up my trash and carry it over there a couple times a day."

Shapiro stated that, if the experiment of purchasing a garbage can for Elitch Gardens led to substantial improvement in sanitation and guest happiness, than one would be added to as many as five or six other Six Flags properties by the end of this season.

Other trial-run improvements Shapiro intends to implement include hiring a guy to clean the Six Flags New England restrooms once per week, running no fewer than 30% of the rides at Six Flags Great Adventure on any given day, and hiring one customer service representative without a history of violent crime for Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom. Should any of these measures prove beneficial, other parks may soon see similar improvements.

--JCK

Disneyland Pooh Area Delayed Due to Miscommunication

In a rare example of miscommunication between Disney departments, a major typographical error has led to a new children's area slated for Disneyland to be pushed back at least four seasons. The new project was to be a near-copy of Disney World's popular new "Pooh's Playful Spot," a whimsical children's play area themed to Winnie the Pooh and his friends.

The finance- and image-destroying mistake was caused by executives sending a memo from Disney World to the creative design team at Disney Land, requesting a duplicate version of the "Poo Playful Spot." Confused by the request, but not wishing to anger management by bothering them with unnecessary questions, the team created precisely what they were instructed to.

The Poo Playful Spot, featuring fountains of excrement, swings and crawl-through areas covered in excrement, statues of Winnie the Pooh created out of excrement, and sandboxes filled with excrement, was approximately 75% complete when higher-ups toured the construction site and realized the error that had been made. Although the entire area was torn down, vacuumed, fumigated, bleached, and burned, the remaining smell is still claimed by witnesses to be "overpowering." Disney representatives stated that construction on the proper reconstruction of the Pooh area will begin once the aroma has fully dissipated; although unwilling to provide an exact timeline, they hoped to begin work on the project in early 2009.

--JCK

Overdrawn at the Jerk Bank

For our Site O' the Weak, we were just going to throw up the dreadful proof that the American educational system has utterly failed, but something leaner came along. Actually, it wasn't leaner; more like drunker, more racist, and intensely stupid. Yes, it's NoGodForMe up to his usual obnoxious self, spewing tiresome garbage from every orifice. Welcome to yet another Site O' the Weak honor, dude. You've been up here so many times we're going to have to start calling it the Robert Viands Career Achievement Memorial Site O' the Weak one of these days.

Incidentally, this RRC thread, aside from providing a lectern for dunderheaded bigots, features a pretty funny exchange where another poster gets busted by a Holiday World rep after announcing plans to take POV footage of their new coaster. D'oh!

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Just for shits and/or giggles, if you can tell us the science fiction author who wrote the story the headline of this article references, you get a free cookie. Actually, screw that. You'll all just cheat and look it up on the internet. No cookies. Sorry.]

Six Flags Moves to Broadway

(ARN&R) -- Six Flags, Inc., the well-known international theme park chain, has just announced it is moving its corporate headquarters to New York City to take advantage of, as Chief Executive Mark Shapiro said, the ability to "promote the brand in a leading center of entertainment, media and finance."

ARN&R today learned that Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder, who engineered a takeover of the chain, has been in negotiations with well-known songwriter Stephen Schwartz to bring "Six Flags: The Musical" to Broadway.

Shapiro confirmed this in an exclusive ARN&R interview. "It seemed the perfect time, with Disney owning an entire city block near 42nd Street, to bring true family amusements to life in the most famous theatrical district in the world."

Snyder wrote the libretto for the musical himself, and is purportedly very excited to be working with the legendary Schwartz, who will write the music. The story will revolve around the exploits of a guest at a Six Flags park, played by ESPN commentator Scoop Jackson, who brings his family to spend a fun-filled day only to discover that the Wizard of Burke has taken over the park and populated it with Looney Tunes characters.

Jackson, in a spectacular series of chorus and dance numbers, must challenge the Looney Tunes characters to a battery of Xtreme Sports contests. And as expected, it's a happy ending as all the tired cartoon characters are handily defeated in comically violent ways and replaced by the much-beloved Disney characters. The finale features Jackson waltzing with Goofy to a show-stopping number entitled, "Be a Sport at Six Flags."

The show is expected to be an even bigger smash than their Mr. Six campaign. (In fact, the Wizard of Burke himself will be played by the elder Six Flags representative and will have to fight Jackson in a climactic nunchuck battle.) Shapiro fully expects the Broadway smash to be turned into a flop movie. "We're in New York now," he declared, "and we want to strictly follow the grand tradition of Broadway."

Shapiro noted that, in keeping with current Six Flags policy, all snacks at the concession stand will be double their usual price and once audience members enter the theater they will not be allowed to leave until the very end. Additionally, a sullen teenager will be a seemingly immobile bathroom "attendant" in the theater. "We want to make sure our guest experience is a quality one," he said, holding back a laugh.

--JRD

Six Flags Debuts New Proposal: "Forced Re-Entry"

Following the dismal failure of their proposed "no re-entry" plan, Six Flags has countered with an idea that appears to go in the opposite direction: "forced re-entry."

Faced with market data that shows that most consumers do not return for subsequent visits after one trip to their notoriously poorly maintained, overpriced and understaffed parks, Six Flags has decided to offer a "forced re-entry" discount for park goers who are arriving at the gates for the first time.
Unsuspecting first time park visitors will be offered a $15 discount -- reducing most one-day park passes to around $65 (or $20 with a Jolt Cola can) -- and a free meal at "Del Rio Waffle Cone" so long as they sign a contract obligating them to return to Six Flags at one other point during the season. In the likely event that the park-goer swears to never return to a Six Flags park after his or her nightmarish day of closed rides; multiple hour wait times; rude and psychotic employees; and absurdist "theming" that bears a remarkable resemblance to miles of pavement, graffiti, and garbage; the contract will be fulfilled by having several of the Six Flags security staff going to the park-goer's home later in the season and forcing that person's family, most likely with physical violence, to return to the park with the order to "have fun." Faced with such an impossible task, Six Flags is predicting a suicide rate for "forced re-entry" guests of approximately 75%, but, on the upside, only after the family has paid for the second day's re-admission and is already in the park and has likely been forced to purchase at least one meal.

Six Flags hopes this new "forced re-entry" plan will work as well as it did for the Washington Redskins, who implemented the plan in the mid-nineties, leading to a 32% increase in late season attendance and a 15% rise in per capita suicide rates for the District of Columbia.

--MOS