Colossus Misplaced
Recently, enthusiasts and Agawam locals have noticed an alarming sight at Six Flags New England: a skyline devoid of Colossus, the park's signature Giant Wheel. Rising hundreds of feet into the air, the massive family attraction provided spectacular views across southern Massachusetts and northern Connecticut.
With the new claims by Six Flags that the chain will be focusing on family rides instead of teen-targeted thrillers, it seemed a puzzle why SFNE would remove a ride that both fits the new strategy and provides a well-known landmark that can be viewed from far outside the park grounds. At a press conference today, SFNE officials met with reporters to explain their actions.
It turns out that they didn't mean to remove it at all.
"We just misplaced it," admitted the park's Vice President of Public Relations Sandy Pittsfield. "We just put it down for a minute somewhere over there, and turned away to take care of something else, and when we came back...poof! Just like that, it's gone."
"I'm such a ditz," she added. "I'm always doing stupid things like putting down a huge signature ride and forgetting where the hell it is!" Pittsfield added that she "was constantly losing pencils and socks, too."
"We were doing our big spring cleaning," said Head of Sanitation Services Walter Hewitt. "You know, most of the time, you just dust the fronts of the bookshelves and vacuum, but then every few years you actually take down all the books and you even move furniture around to really get the grime off the floors and the walls? Well, it's the same for us. We hadn't really gotten in and hosed off those crusty hard-to-reach corners under and around the major rides in several years. So we shifted some of them around and did our cleaning, and then...well, we couldn't find Colossus. It's got to be around here somewhere, right?"
His eyes then lit up, and he then poked around behind the park's nearby Top Spin ride, though he soon threw his hands up in disgust when Colossus failed to appear there.
"It the damndest thing," said Park Employee Training Master Tom Lampers. "But hey, it happens to everyone. You plop something down nearby and it just seems to vanish. I did the same thing with my chapstick just yesterday, and I ended up having to get a new tube even though my wife kept telling me the old one would turn up if I just retraced my steps enough."
Lampers publicly blamed "underwear gnomes" for stealing both his chapstick and the Colossus.
--JCK
Tuesday, March 14, 2006
Thursday, March 09, 2006
Six Flags Over Georgia Becomes More Family Friendly
In his now-famous January publicity stunt where he toured Six Flags Over Georgia with reporters and the park's staff, pointing out things that needed to be fixed or altered in that park and the chain as a whole, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro included among his many pronouncements the news that Six Flags will be primarily purchasing family attractions in the near future. Citing a desire to target younger children and happy families more than the loutish teens currently running amok in most Six Flags properties, Shapiro stated that "[y]ou won't see any more Goliaths," a reference to Six Flags Over Georgia's new B&M hypercoaster.
Estimating that family rides cost less than a tenth of what one massive attraction would, and that said massive attractions fail to pay for themselves, Shapiro indicated that upcoming seasons would result in a drastic new look for Six Flags properties.
That drastic new look has arrived. Workers arrived at Six Flags Over Georgia this morning to begin the brisk demolition of Goliath, as well as several other large, non-family-friendly thrillers like the Mindbender, Batman: The Ride, and the Georgia Cyclone.
"This is a sad day for coaster fans everywhere," said a random man in the parking lot wearing nothing but a Beast thong and a coaster patch vest.
In an exclusive interview, Shapiro allowed ARN&R to see the list of fun new family-friendly attractions that will soon be erected at SFOG in place of the disturbing, unprofitable thrill rides that are currently being dismantled and sold for scrap:
Sandbox
Toy Dump Truck
Coloring Books
Blocks
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Mobile Hanging Above Crib
Lincoln Logs
Pan to Bang On With Metal Spoon
"Between the massive savings this type of ride package will afford us, combined with the scrap metal sale, the influx of new family visitors, and jacking the entrance price by 600 percent or so, Six Flags' debt will soon be a thing of the past," Shapiro told us, off the record.
--JCK
In his now-famous January publicity stunt where he toured Six Flags Over Georgia with reporters and the park's staff, pointing out things that needed to be fixed or altered in that park and the chain as a whole, Six Flags CEO Mark Shapiro included among his many pronouncements the news that Six Flags will be primarily purchasing family attractions in the near future. Citing a desire to target younger children and happy families more than the loutish teens currently running amok in most Six Flags properties, Shapiro stated that "[y]ou won't see any more Goliaths," a reference to Six Flags Over Georgia's new B&M hypercoaster.
Estimating that family rides cost less than a tenth of what one massive attraction would, and that said massive attractions fail to pay for themselves, Shapiro indicated that upcoming seasons would result in a drastic new look for Six Flags properties.
That drastic new look has arrived. Workers arrived at Six Flags Over Georgia this morning to begin the brisk demolition of Goliath, as well as several other large, non-family-friendly thrillers like the Mindbender, Batman: The Ride, and the Georgia Cyclone.
"This is a sad day for coaster fans everywhere," said a random man in the parking lot wearing nothing but a Beast thong and a coaster patch vest.
In an exclusive interview, Shapiro allowed ARN&R to see the list of fun new family-friendly attractions that will soon be erected at SFOG in place of the disturbing, unprofitable thrill rides that are currently being dismantled and sold for scrap:
Sandbox
Toy Dump Truck
Coloring Books
Blocks
Hungry Hungry Hippos
Mobile Hanging Above Crib
Lincoln Logs
Pan to Bang On With Metal Spoon
"Between the massive savings this type of ride package will afford us, combined with the scrap metal sale, the influx of new family visitors, and jacking the entrance price by 600 percent or so, Six Flags' debt will soon be a thing of the past," Shapiro told us, off the record.
--JCK
Three ACE Members Totally Shocked That Clay Aiken Might Be Gay
According to credible sources, as many as three members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were completely surprised by rumors that former American Idol runner-up and almost-singer Clay Aiken might be gay.
"I'm shocked!" cried Bubba Wilson, one of the three, in an interview conducted with the lifelong coaster enthusiast on his stained mattress in his mother's basement. "Who could have ever guessed such a thing?" Wilson added, before going back to the task that has occupied him for much of the past eleven days: cramming a forty-third coaster into his latest Roller Coaster Tycoon park.
Unlike Wilson and two other ACE members, the majority of those involved with the coaster enthusiast organization say that the potential gay Aiken news is not all that exciting. "Um, yeah, that was a shock for the ages," said yawning twenty-year ACE veteran Phil Wrightster from the home he shares with his partner in Florida. "Wait a minute. Are you serious? I thought this was some sort of joke! You actually thought he was straight? How stupid are you?" Wrightster then began laughing so hard that the interview had to be curtailed.
When various ACE members at a recent ERT session were questioned by the national press as to how on earth they had ever guessed that Aiken might be gay before this news was leaked, most were uncooperative. Several went so far as to point and laugh hysterically at the assembled media. "Look, do I really have to explain it to you?" asked Darren Carvel, the only ACEr who would speak to reporters on the record. "Okay, I guess I do. Have you really not heard of gaydar? Even the thirty straight guys in ACE have a rudimentary one strong enough to pick up Clay Aiken, so how could you think he'd slip past one as powerful as, just for example, mine? Jeez, I'm insulted."
Carvel added that he personally was "really grossed out" by Aiken, that he categorically did not think the pop star had "a sexy and smooth and lickable" white chest, and that he would really appreciate it if "the straight girls would please just keep him, because we don't actually want him."
"Yuck," he added.
--JCK
According to credible sources, as many as three members of the American Coaster Enthusiasts were completely surprised by rumors that former American Idol runner-up and almost-singer Clay Aiken might be gay.
"I'm shocked!" cried Bubba Wilson, one of the three, in an interview conducted with the lifelong coaster enthusiast on his stained mattress in his mother's basement. "Who could have ever guessed such a thing?" Wilson added, before going back to the task that has occupied him for much of the past eleven days: cramming a forty-third coaster into his latest Roller Coaster Tycoon park.
Unlike Wilson and two other ACE members, the majority of those involved with the coaster enthusiast organization say that the potential gay Aiken news is not all that exciting. "Um, yeah, that was a shock for the ages," said yawning twenty-year ACE veteran Phil Wrightster from the home he shares with his partner in Florida. "Wait a minute. Are you serious? I thought this was some sort of joke! You actually thought he was straight? How stupid are you?" Wrightster then began laughing so hard that the interview had to be curtailed.
When various ACE members at a recent ERT session were questioned by the national press as to how on earth they had ever guessed that Aiken might be gay before this news was leaked, most were uncooperative. Several went so far as to point and laugh hysterically at the assembled media. "Look, do I really have to explain it to you?" asked Darren Carvel, the only ACEr who would speak to reporters on the record. "Okay, I guess I do. Have you really not heard of gaydar? Even the thirty straight guys in ACE have a rudimentary one strong enough to pick up Clay Aiken, so how could you think he'd slip past one as powerful as, just for example, mine? Jeez, I'm insulted."
Carvel added that he personally was "really grossed out" by Aiken, that he categorically did not think the pop star had "a sexy and smooth and lickable" white chest, and that he would really appreciate it if "the straight girls would please just keep him, because we don't actually want him."
"Yuck," he added.
--JCK
Wednesday, March 08, 2006
La Ronde Employees Pretend Not to Understand Shapiro
Continuing to make his rounds amongst all his glorious properties, new Six Flags head Mark Shapiro paid his respects to Montreal-based La Ronde today. As has been the case with each of the parks Shapiro has toured, the employees were treated to a harsh appraisal of their failures, as well as a discussion of improvements that Shapiro will demand from them before the start of the next operating season.
As opposed to most of the American properties Shapiro has visited, where management figures from the parks gamely followed Shapiro around like obedient lapdogs and nodded enthusiastically at each of the four thousand ways he told them they sucked, the La Ronde employees appeared to be oddly aloof and uninterested in what their new honcho had to say. Indeed, they all stared blankly at Shapiro, until one of his assistants determined that not a single employee at La Ronde spoke a word of English and that he was therefore making no sense to them at all.
Shapiro then attempted to tell the employees about the new guest-services training and repricing, still in English, but much louder. Then he tried his lecture slowly, in English, with large hand gestures. After several more attempts, the CEO grew exasperated and went all the way back to the United States, looking to recruit a French translator for another try next week.
"That was the most frustrating day of my life," said a distraught Shapiro.
"Américain stupide," noted an amused La Ronde representative to his entire staff, every single one of whom speaks perfect English, just after Shapiro was successfully annoyed.
--JCK
Continuing to make his rounds amongst all his glorious properties, new Six Flags head Mark Shapiro paid his respects to Montreal-based La Ronde today. As has been the case with each of the parks Shapiro has toured, the employees were treated to a harsh appraisal of their failures, as well as a discussion of improvements that Shapiro will demand from them before the start of the next operating season.
As opposed to most of the American properties Shapiro has visited, where management figures from the parks gamely followed Shapiro around like obedient lapdogs and nodded enthusiastically at each of the four thousand ways he told them they sucked, the La Ronde employees appeared to be oddly aloof and uninterested in what their new honcho had to say. Indeed, they all stared blankly at Shapiro, until one of his assistants determined that not a single employee at La Ronde spoke a word of English and that he was therefore making no sense to them at all.
Shapiro then attempted to tell the employees about the new guest-services training and repricing, still in English, but much louder. Then he tried his lecture slowly, in English, with large hand gestures. After several more attempts, the CEO grew exasperated and went all the way back to the United States, looking to recruit a French translator for another try next week.
"That was the most frustrating day of my life," said a distraught Shapiro.
"Américain stupide," noted an amused La Ronde representative to his entire staff, every single one of whom speaks perfect English, just after Shapiro was successfully annoyed.
--JCK
Tuesday, March 07, 2006
Shapiro: Six Flags Water Parks To Have Fifty Percent Less Urine For 2006
Continuing his tour of Six Flags parks nationwide, new CEO Mark Shapiro made a bold announcement after touring the chain's Hurricane Harbor park adjacent to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois:
"In 2006, we are pleased to announce a new commitment to customer service, starting with a reduction in urine-tainted water by at least 50%!"
Asked how he would achieve such an ambitious goal, Shapiro said it was simple. "We've asked our lifeguards and staff to stop peeing in the water supply, though the park's management will continue to be permitted that perk. Based on our initial testing, that will reduce the urine content substantially."
Shapiro declined to comment on reports that the employees would now be urinating in the water supply for the park's "Cool Zone" sprinkler areas.
--GP
Continuing his tour of Six Flags parks nationwide, new CEO Mark Shapiro made a bold announcement after touring the chain's Hurricane Harbor park adjacent to Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, Illinois:
"In 2006, we are pleased to announce a new commitment to customer service, starting with a reduction in urine-tainted water by at least 50%!"
Asked how he would achieve such an ambitious goal, Shapiro said it was simple. "We've asked our lifeguards and staff to stop peeing in the water supply, though the park's management will continue to be permitted that perk. Based on our initial testing, that will reduce the urine content substantially."
Shapiro declined to comment on reports that the employees would now be urinating in the water supply for the park's "Cool Zone" sprinkler areas.
--GP
Thursday, March 02, 2006
Turn Down the Contrast and Brightness Before Accessing Our New Site O' the Weak
Someone reasonably competent obviously set up the Southern Adventures website, our Site O' the Weak. After all, information is readily accessible and laugh-out-loud grammatical errors were not found on a quick perusal, setting this website leagues apart from those offered by plenty of other amusement parks.
That's why it's so puzzling that they chose to present their information on an eye-frying neon green background, with text in the exact same green color in little orange boxes. Folks, the background color is already harmful enough to continued ocular well-being, but when a site goes the extra step of having letters and overall colors in that same terrible color, it actually burns. Please make it stop.
While we're at it, we think the entry page gave us a mild seizure. We can't come visit your park if we're flopping around on the ground gnashing our tongues off and foaming from various orifices. It's a simple and unfortunate fact of life.
The park consists of fairly standard FAC stuff, and we're sure most of it is fine and fun, but we're going to take points off for the claim that "The Rock" is "the most realistic rock climbing simulator on the planet." We're also suspicious that the claims of "year round wholesome entertainment" and the large discounts for anyone bringing a church bulletin will result in a visit laden with people attempting to give you annoying pamphlets about how you are going to rot in hell, but if you like that sort of thing, don't let us stop you.
--JCK
Someone reasonably competent obviously set up the Southern Adventures website, our Site O' the Weak. After all, information is readily accessible and laugh-out-loud grammatical errors were not found on a quick perusal, setting this website leagues apart from those offered by plenty of other amusement parks.
That's why it's so puzzling that they chose to present their information on an eye-frying neon green background, with text in the exact same green color in little orange boxes. Folks, the background color is already harmful enough to continued ocular well-being, but when a site goes the extra step of having letters and overall colors in that same terrible color, it actually burns. Please make it stop.
While we're at it, we think the entry page gave us a mild seizure. We can't come visit your park if we're flopping around on the ground gnashing our tongues off and foaming from various orifices. It's a simple and unfortunate fact of life.
The park consists of fairly standard FAC stuff, and we're sure most of it is fine and fun, but we're going to take points off for the claim that "The Rock" is "the most realistic rock climbing simulator on the planet." We're also suspicious that the claims of "year round wholesome entertainment" and the large discounts for anyone bringing a church bulletin will result in a visit laden with people attempting to give you annoying pamphlets about how you are going to rot in hell, but if you like that sort of thing, don't let us stop you.
--JCK
Monday, February 27, 2006
Davis-Hedrick Spat Continues
The frosty relations and arguments between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick that transfixed the world during the Winter Olympics were widely supposed to have ended with last night's closing ceremonies. However, the feud has only just begun, as the pair continued to trade barbs on a coaster message board.
The latest incident came when Davis, using his handle of "SpeedRaptor3," posted a message to Ultimate Roller Coaster giving high marks to Goliath, the new B&M hypercoaster soon to open at Six Flags Over Georgia. Titling his post "Best cotser Ever!!!!!" Davis wrote that "Goliath holy crap this will be the best coatser ever ur an idiot if u dont think so. It looks awesome! New number one!"
Hedrick, a noted GCI fanboy, took the bait, replying (as "RumblerMaster") in a post that chided Davis for "being an idiot" and indicating that "B&M is two smooth, you suck, I like a nice feel of the woodies and Kintucky Rumbler will be the best woodie I have evah rode."
A flame war promptly ensued, and amongst the posts were ones where Davis accused Hedrick of refusing to slap hands with him during a HersheyPark ERT session five years ago and of "riding with his lapbar in an unsafe position," while Hedrick stated that he felt "betrayed" when Davis openly questioned the veracity of his coaster track record by pointing out to the enthusiast community that Hedrick always counts both tracks of a racer. Hedrick also noted that Davis was always causing trouble by trying to sneak a digital camera onboard rides with policies against such matters.
The flame war ended only when a moderator closed the thread, stating that one poster calling another a "poopyhead" was not allowed by the URC's Terms of Service Agreement. The two skaters are unperturbed. "I'll have my eye on Shani at least 23 hours per day," said Hedrick. "If you see him post something stupid, like the Wild Adventures Hangman is better than the Six Flags America Darien Lake Mind Eraser, I assure you that I will be there to put him in his place within seconds."
A post from Davis countering why the Hangman is a superior ride to any of the Mind Erasers is to be expected at URC within minutes, says a spokesman for the skater. "Shani will most likely also call Chad a fascist for his views on this matter while he's at it," the spokesman added.
--JCK
The frosty relations and arguments between American speed skaters Shani Davis and Chad Hedrick that transfixed the world during the Winter Olympics were widely supposed to have ended with last night's closing ceremonies. However, the feud has only just begun, as the pair continued to trade barbs on a coaster message board.
The latest incident came when Davis, using his handle of "SpeedRaptor3," posted a message to Ultimate Roller Coaster giving high marks to Goliath, the new B&M hypercoaster soon to open at Six Flags Over Georgia. Titling his post "Best cotser Ever!!!!!" Davis wrote that "Goliath holy crap this will be the best coatser ever ur an idiot if u dont think so. It looks awesome! New number one!"
Hedrick, a noted GCI fanboy, took the bait, replying (as "RumblerMaster") in a post that chided Davis for "being an idiot" and indicating that "B&M is two smooth, you suck, I like a nice feel of the woodies and Kintucky Rumbler will be the best woodie I have evah rode."
A flame war promptly ensued, and amongst the posts were ones where Davis accused Hedrick of refusing to slap hands with him during a HersheyPark ERT session five years ago and of "riding with his lapbar in an unsafe position," while Hedrick stated that he felt "betrayed" when Davis openly questioned the veracity of his coaster track record by pointing out to the enthusiast community that Hedrick always counts both tracks of a racer. Hedrick also noted that Davis was always causing trouble by trying to sneak a digital camera onboard rides with policies against such matters.
The flame war ended only when a moderator closed the thread, stating that one poster calling another a "poopyhead" was not allowed by the URC's Terms of Service Agreement. The two skaters are unperturbed. "I'll have my eye on Shani at least 23 hours per day," said Hedrick. "If you see him post something stupid, like the Wild Adventures Hangman is better than the Six Flags America Darien Lake Mind Eraser, I assure you that I will be there to put him in his place within seconds."
A post from Davis countering why the Hangman is a superior ride to any of the Mind Erasers is to be expected at URC within minutes, says a spokesman for the skater. "Shani will most likely also call Chad a fascist for his views on this matter while he's at it," the spokesman added.
--JCK
Friday, February 24, 2006
American Takes Gold in Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet
Helping to ease the taint of Bode Miller, the U.S. Winter Olympic team has won another gold medal. Competing in the debut of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet in Torino, Mark Jefferson, 52, came out ahead of a talented international field. Herbert Nordstruck of Liechtenstein took silver, followed by Miguel Raton of Spain.
The sport of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet combines a breathtaking mix of stamina, athletic skill, and artistry. In this event, coaster enthusiasts do a wide variety of difficult artistic maneuvers on kiddie coasters that have trouble getting up the lift hill. For instance, the "row the boat" maneuver is a required short program element. Although it is unusual among Winter Olympic competitions in that it does not involve snow or ice, and would seem a more natural fit with the Summer Games, organizers placed it during the Winter Olympics to avoid scheduling conflicts with the major operating season of the majority of the world's kiddie coasters.
Although the artistic marks of the three medal-winners were comparable, it was the incredible physical prowess of Jefferson that helped him edge out his competitors for the top position, as he executed the first competitive landing of the extremely difficult "quad lasso imitation/double inverted butt-spank to the back of the vehicle" move during an international competition.
"I've been landing it in practice pretty consistently the past couple years," said the victor. "But I always seemed to mess it up in major events on the World Cup circuit, so I was planning to play it conservative here. Then, when I saw Herbert's score go up on the board, I knew being conservative wouldn't get me the gold. I decided to pull out all the stops, and either get the gold or fall and probably lose any spot on the podium. I'm glad the risk paid off."
"This event used to be primarily about beauty and artistry," said commentator Dick Button. "The reality in recent years is that the competitors who don't attempt the major combination elements while riding kiddie coasters, such as the thing where you pretend to crack a whip over the ride to encourage it to go faster, are getting left behind. It's an evolution to a more athletic side of the sport. I'm definitely curious to see how many competitors will be prepared with that new move at the next Games in Vancouver."
--JCK
Helping to ease the taint of Bode Miller, the U.S. Winter Olympic team has won another gold medal. Competing in the debut of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet in Torino, Mark Jefferson, 52, came out ahead of a talented international field. Herbert Nordstruck of Liechtenstein took silver, followed by Miguel Raton of Spain.
The sport of Enthusiast Freestyle Ballet combines a breathtaking mix of stamina, athletic skill, and artistry. In this event, coaster enthusiasts do a wide variety of difficult artistic maneuvers on kiddie coasters that have trouble getting up the lift hill. For instance, the "row the boat" maneuver is a required short program element. Although it is unusual among Winter Olympic competitions in that it does not involve snow or ice, and would seem a more natural fit with the Summer Games, organizers placed it during the Winter Olympics to avoid scheduling conflicts with the major operating season of the majority of the world's kiddie coasters.
Although the artistic marks of the three medal-winners were comparable, it was the incredible physical prowess of Jefferson that helped him edge out his competitors for the top position, as he executed the first competitive landing of the extremely difficult "quad lasso imitation/double inverted butt-spank to the back of the vehicle" move during an international competition.
"I've been landing it in practice pretty consistently the past couple years," said the victor. "But I always seemed to mess it up in major events on the World Cup circuit, so I was planning to play it conservative here. Then, when I saw Herbert's score go up on the board, I knew being conservative wouldn't get me the gold. I decided to pull out all the stops, and either get the gold or fall and probably lose any spot on the podium. I'm glad the risk paid off."
"This event used to be primarily about beauty and artistry," said commentator Dick Button. "The reality in recent years is that the competitors who don't attempt the major combination elements while riding kiddie coasters, such as the thing where you pretend to crack a whip over the ride to encourage it to go faster, are getting left behind. It's an evolution to a more athletic side of the sport. I'm definitely curious to see how many competitors will be prepared with that new move at the next Games in Vancouver."
--JCK
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
Enthusiast Kicked Out Of PKD
Paramount Kings Dominion security guards were surprised last night when they came upon Eric Supher, a West Virginia enthusiast, climbing the structure of the park's Mack bobsled coaster Avalanche.
"We don't usually have too many trespassers that far into the park, and if they are there, they're usually trying to climb up the Volcano mountain," said spokeswoman Johanna Gudio. "But this fellow Supher was getting to the top of the lift hill and had some sort of little sled with him."
Supher, who took part in an exclusive ARN&R interview, said he was "just practicing the skeleton," an ice race featured in the Winter Olympics. "I've been really getting in shape and I figured with a little practice, I could maybe get on the team before the end of the Olympics."
He said that prior to the guards coming upon him, he had made it down the 200-foot course in as few as four minutes.
--GP
Paramount Kings Dominion security guards were surprised last night when they came upon Eric Supher, a West Virginia enthusiast, climbing the structure of the park's Mack bobsled coaster Avalanche.
"We don't usually have too many trespassers that far into the park, and if they are there, they're usually trying to climb up the Volcano mountain," said spokeswoman Johanna Gudio. "But this fellow Supher was getting to the top of the lift hill and had some sort of little sled with him."
Supher, who took part in an exclusive ARN&R interview, said he was "just practicing the skeleton," an ice race featured in the Winter Olympics. "I've been really getting in shape and I figured with a little practice, I could maybe get on the team before the end of the Olympics."
He said that prior to the guards coming upon him, he had made it down the 200-foot course in as few as four minutes.
--GP
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
JCK to Acquire ARN&R
New Company to Deliver Industry-Defining Amusement Industry News, Fart Jokes
AbsolutelyReliable Towers. - February 22, 2006 -
The management of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors (NYSE:ARNR) announced today that its board had recommended a merger with JCK Industries (NASDAQ:JCFK) in an all-stock deal valued at approximately four dollars and seventy-three cents.
The combination of ARN&R and JCK will provide customers a more powerful set of solutions for understanding, exploring, and laughing at the amusement industry and its aficionados. Together, the two companies will meet a wider set of customer needs and have a significantly greater opportunity to grow into new markets, particularly in the carnival and buffet segments.
"Customers are calling for a more centralized form of amusement news satire," said GP, chief executive officer of ARN&R, who will, as of the close of the deal, retire on a generous multi-million dollar consulting agreement. "By combining our powerful plot development, joke generation, and rapid response teams - along with the complementary aspects of our podcast, retail and stalker/boycott communities - ARN&R has the opportunity to bring this vision to life with an industry-defining vision."
"The synergies are just too great to ignore," said JCK, the new CEO of the combined company. "JCK Industries has been a leading supplier and subcontractor for ARN&R since November, 2002, and once we took over the catering for the executive dining room and erotic massage facility, it was just a matter of time before we acquired the whole thing."
The deal has passed regulatory approval, despite a lawsuit filed by Citizens Action League asserting that the new entity would have an unfair advantage in the amusement news industry. Attorneys representing ARN&R and JCK Industries successfully argued that the ThrillNetwork news was sufficiently hilarious to prevent the new ARN&R from holding a monopoly on the market segment.
--GP/JCK
New Company to Deliver Industry-Defining Amusement Industry News, Fart Jokes
AbsolutelyReliable Towers. - February 22, 2006 -
The management of Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors (NYSE:ARNR) announced today that its board had recommended a merger with JCK Industries (NASDAQ:JCFK) in an all-stock deal valued at approximately four dollars and seventy-three cents.
The combination of ARN&R and JCK will provide customers a more powerful set of solutions for understanding, exploring, and laughing at the amusement industry and its aficionados. Together, the two companies will meet a wider set of customer needs and have a significantly greater opportunity to grow into new markets, particularly in the carnival and buffet segments.
"Customers are calling for a more centralized form of amusement news satire," said GP, chief executive officer of ARN&R, who will, as of the close of the deal, retire on a generous multi-million dollar consulting agreement. "By combining our powerful plot development, joke generation, and rapid response teams - along with the complementary aspects of our podcast, retail and stalker/boycott communities - ARN&R has the opportunity to bring this vision to life with an industry-defining vision."
"The synergies are just too great to ignore," said JCK, the new CEO of the combined company. "JCK Industries has been a leading supplier and subcontractor for ARN&R since November, 2002, and once we took over the catering for the executive dining room and erotic massage facility, it was just a matter of time before we acquired the whole thing."
The deal has passed regulatory approval, despite a lawsuit filed by Citizens Action League asserting that the new entity would have an unfair advantage in the amusement news industry. Attorneys representing ARN&R and JCK Industries successfully argued that the ThrillNetwork news was sufficiently hilarious to prevent the new ARN&R from holding a monopoly on the market segment.
--GP/JCK
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