Bush Takes Tough Stance on Inspections
Tensions escalated today as United Nations inspectors were initially turned away by armed guards posted at the gates of Funtown Pier, a small amusement area located in Seaside Park, New Jersey. Observers fear this latest confrontation is yet one more step leading to an armed showdown between the United States and the shoreline entertainment zone.
President George W. Bush declared that he was “not encouraged” that Funtown Pier would acknowledge its high coaster G-forces and avert war. Bush delivered his assessment at a Pentagon press conference after U.N. inspectors reported continued difficulties in their search of suspected violators of New Jersey’s G-force limitations.
“The inspectors are in New Jersey to examine possible amusement violations, not to play Red Rover and Duck Duck Goose with the owners of this park,” the president said, apparently maintaining his hard line against Funtown Pier. He added: "These gravityational, er, gravitronitional . . . these forces of mass destruction must not stand. Make no mistake."
The U.S. government has long maintained that Funtown Pier’s Roller Coast Loop, a production-model Pinfari Zyklon with a single inversion, has gravitational forces in excess of New Jersey’s legal limitations. After much posturing and threats of exclusion from the park’s owners, U.N. inspectors were finally allowed their first tests on the ride late in the afternoon.
Although Canada, France, and Britain have all expressed desire for a peaceful resolution to the current crisis, United States Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld stated this evening at the White House that “a full regime change at Funtown Pier may be the only option the United States can now consider viable.”
--JCK
Tuesday, December 03, 2002
Great Escape's New Coaster Ties Into Roots
(Queensbury, NY) Six Flags today announced a major new coaster to be constructed at The Great Escape theme park in the Adirondack hamlet of Queensbury. The coaster, to be named "StoryTown - The Awakening," takes its theme and location from the remaining original artifacts of the park's first incarnation as "StoryTown USA."
"We have been wanting to do something to both increase the visibility of our historic sections and offer an exciting new thrill ride to our patrons, especially since that Alpine Bobsled ride is down 90% of the time," said park spokesperson Jack Horner. "The new coaster, by Intamin, features three inversions, a high speed helix, and runs smack
through the middle of both the Wild West Village and the Story Town section -- you know, that part of the park that looks like Candy Land come to life? We've taken many of the Story Town houses and figures and used them as ride supports and elements."
Riders will board the coaster at The Crooked Man's crooked house, which is designed to disorient the rider. The coaster cars were formerly used as the Storytown train, guaranteeing the riders a "rickety wood coaster feel from a steel coaster track." says Horner. The cars proceed up the lift hill and descend 87 feet through the Old Woman in a Shoe's doorway ("better duck!") at a maximum speed of 55 miles per hour before entering a high-speed helix around the antique carousel. "We were hoping to have
a brass ring for the riders to grab, but when one of technicians tried it out we thought better of it," said Horner, who added that the technician was expected to make a full recovery from arm reattachment surgery.
The coaster then rambles through StoryTown proper, with various storybook characters on either side of the track that you can reach out and clop in the head, then on into the Wild West Shootout section of the park. Here, riders will thrill to an Immelman over the Dry Gulch Saloon, where former Marine spud-peeler and U.S. Congressman Jerry
Solomon's widow fires ("Don't worry, they're only blanks!" said Horner with a wink) at the coaster car with an Uzi while a taped voice of the Congressman bellows "because she has a right to defend herself and don't you forget it!" Survivors then will go through a double loop before cruising back into Storytown, where the train passes around Cinderella's horse-drawn carriage ride ("We're still working on the horses getting spooked," chuckles Horner) and into the brake run.
The coaster is scheduled to open on July 4th, unless the lawsuit settlements fall through. The park's former target audience of small children will be welcomed at a 100-square-foot section called "KidArea," featuring a trampoline and a three-hole miniature golf course.
--BRB
(Queensbury, NY) Six Flags today announced a major new coaster to be constructed at The Great Escape theme park in the Adirondack hamlet of Queensbury. The coaster, to be named "StoryTown - The Awakening," takes its theme and location from the remaining original artifacts of the park's first incarnation as "StoryTown USA."
"We have been wanting to do something to both increase the visibility of our historic sections and offer an exciting new thrill ride to our patrons, especially since that Alpine Bobsled ride is down 90% of the time," said park spokesperson Jack Horner. "The new coaster, by Intamin, features three inversions, a high speed helix, and runs smack
through the middle of both the Wild West Village and the Story Town section -- you know, that part of the park that looks like Candy Land come to life? We've taken many of the Story Town houses and figures and used them as ride supports and elements."
Riders will board the coaster at The Crooked Man's crooked house, which is designed to disorient the rider. The coaster cars were formerly used as the Storytown train, guaranteeing the riders a "rickety wood coaster feel from a steel coaster track." says Horner. The cars proceed up the lift hill and descend 87 feet through the Old Woman in a Shoe's doorway ("better duck!") at a maximum speed of 55 miles per hour before entering a high-speed helix around the antique carousel. "We were hoping to have
a brass ring for the riders to grab, but when one of technicians tried it out we thought better of it," said Horner, who added that the technician was expected to make a full recovery from arm reattachment surgery.
The coaster then rambles through StoryTown proper, with various storybook characters on either side of the track that you can reach out and clop in the head, then on into the Wild West Shootout section of the park. Here, riders will thrill to an Immelman over the Dry Gulch Saloon, where former Marine spud-peeler and U.S. Congressman Jerry
Solomon's widow fires ("Don't worry, they're only blanks!" said Horner with a wink) at the coaster car with an Uzi while a taped voice of the Congressman bellows "because she has a right to defend herself and don't you forget it!" Survivors then will go through a double loop before cruising back into Storytown, where the train passes around Cinderella's horse-drawn carriage ride ("We're still working on the horses getting spooked," chuckles Horner) and into the brake run.
The coaster is scheduled to open on July 4th, unless the lawsuit settlements fall through. The park's former target audience of small children will be welcomed at a 100-square-foot section called "KidArea," featuring a trampoline and a three-hole miniature golf course.
--BRB
Thursday, November 28, 2002
International Spirits Distributor Renames Product
Evidencing a futile desire to break into the highly profitable bogus theme park rumor category, the Absolut company released a new product called "Absolut Reliable Booze & Vodka."
"We taght dis waz gonna bee a goot ting," says Absolut spokesperson Gunta Hildawater. "We shape bottle to look like Drop Zone, Tower of Terror and many
otter Amercan trill park attractions."
When contacted about the new product at the Absolutely Reliable Towers in midtown Manhattan, ARN&R's unnamed CEO exclaimed, while throwing his pen across the room, pushing papers on the floor and jumping clear over his desk, "They stole my flippin' idea! I was the one who came up with mixing alcohol with bogus theme park rumors!"
"We hat ideea since Andy Warhol design first bottle," Gunter counter claims. "You, Mr. ARN&R Dude, were still in baby clothes."
"I was not! I was not! I was not!"
While enthusiasts worldwide praised ARN&R for obtaining a domain licensed solely in its name, an official investigation has been ordered to ensure all writers and
contributors to ARN&R are of legal drinking age even if they do not touch the stuff themselves.
--RAS
Evidencing a futile desire to break into the highly profitable bogus theme park rumor category, the Absolut company released a new product called "Absolut Reliable Booze & Vodka."
"We taght dis waz gonna bee a goot ting," says Absolut spokesperson Gunta Hildawater. "We shape bottle to look like Drop Zone, Tower of Terror and many
otter Amercan trill park attractions."
When contacted about the new product at the Absolutely Reliable Towers in midtown Manhattan, ARN&R's unnamed CEO exclaimed, while throwing his pen across the room, pushing papers on the floor and jumping clear over his desk, "They stole my flippin' idea! I was the one who came up with mixing alcohol with bogus theme park rumors!"
"We hat ideea since Andy Warhol design first bottle," Gunter counter claims. "You, Mr. ARN&R Dude, were still in baby clothes."
"I was not! I was not! I was not!"
While enthusiasts worldwide praised ARN&R for obtaining a domain licensed solely in its name, an official investigation has been ordered to ensure all writers and
contributors to ARN&R are of legal drinking age even if they do not touch the stuff themselves.
--RAS
Wednesday, November 27, 2002
B&M to Add Kicking, Screaming Children to Flying Coaster Design
In an effort to make the experience of its “flying coaster” closer to actual flight, famed Swiss coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced yesterday that, for a small additional fee to parks, every new flying coaster would come with screaming and kicking children permanently installed behind each seat.
“We were flying over to the U.S. to meet with a potential customer and there was a four-year-old with the most piercing voice we’ve ever heard sitting behind us,” said Walter Bollinger. “And the kid apparently was physically incapable of sitting still, so every two seconds – thwack – right in the back of our seats. And we had it! That’s what our flying coasters needed to complete the experience!” The children are reported to be imported from developing countries in exchange for "humanitarian aid" to the countries' governments.
If the experiment is well-received, B&M has indicated that it may introduce other add-ons, including one-ounce bags of pretzels and demands for government assistance.
In an effort to make the experience of its “flying coaster” closer to actual flight, famed Swiss coaster designers Bollinger & Mabillard announced yesterday that, for a small additional fee to parks, every new flying coaster would come with screaming and kicking children permanently installed behind each seat.
“We were flying over to the U.S. to meet with a potential customer and there was a four-year-old with the most piercing voice we’ve ever heard sitting behind us,” said Walter Bollinger. “And the kid apparently was physically incapable of sitting still, so every two seconds – thwack – right in the back of our seats. And we had it! That’s what our flying coasters needed to complete the experience!” The children are reported to be imported from developing countries in exchange for "humanitarian aid" to the countries' governments.
If the experiment is well-received, B&M has indicated that it may introduce other add-ons, including one-ounce bags of pretzels and demands for government assistance.
Tuesday, November 26, 2002
Disney Buys 5,000 Acres for Farm-Themed Park
The Disney company yesterday purchased 5,000 acres in south-central Los Angeles for a brand-new amusement park. But it won't be just another park themed after California or a magical kingdom. Instead, in an innovative partnership with Tyson Chicken and Archer Daniels Midland, the new park -- tentatively called Rural Disney -- will be themed after today's agribusiness.
"The main section will be the soybean farm," said Michael Eisner in a conference call with analysts. "Based on advice we got from ADM, roughly 3,500 acres will be nothing but soybeans, with one ride heavily themed to the area for every 500 acres. My favorite ride is Farm Accident, but we won't tell you a lot of details about that except that it involves one big thresher and a lot of special effects."
The balance of the park will be the Tyson-sponsored part, with building after building of chickens with waste lagoons -- ponds half-filled with chicken feces -- spotting the area. "About half of the chickens have been specially genetically modified to create enormous meat-heavy birds unable to fly, walk, or do anything besides sit in their own waste. The other half are layers, forced to sit in a cage just millimeters larger than the birds themselves, laying eggs galore while, again, sitting in their own waste. The kids are gonna love it!" concluded Eisner.
If the park is successful, Disney is said to be considering adding cattle factory farming and hog feedlots.
The Disney company yesterday purchased 5,000 acres in south-central Los Angeles for a brand-new amusement park. But it won't be just another park themed after California or a magical kingdom. Instead, in an innovative partnership with Tyson Chicken and Archer Daniels Midland, the new park -- tentatively called Rural Disney -- will be themed after today's agribusiness.
"The main section will be the soybean farm," said Michael Eisner in a conference call with analysts. "Based on advice we got from ADM, roughly 3,500 acres will be nothing but soybeans, with one ride heavily themed to the area for every 500 acres. My favorite ride is Farm Accident, but we won't tell you a lot of details about that except that it involves one big thresher and a lot of special effects."
The balance of the park will be the Tyson-sponsored part, with building after building of chickens with waste lagoons -- ponds half-filled with chicken feces -- spotting the area. "About half of the chickens have been specially genetically modified to create enormous meat-heavy birds unable to fly, walk, or do anything besides sit in their own waste. The other half are layers, forced to sit in a cage just millimeters larger than the birds themselves, laying eggs galore while, again, sitting in their own waste. The kids are gonna love it!" concluded Eisner.
If the park is successful, Disney is said to be considering adding cattle factory farming and hog feedlots.
Monday, November 25, 2002
In First, Enthusiast Mangles English Language
Readers of a coaster message board were shocked last night by a young coaster enthusiast’s lack of grammatical capability, sources told ARN&R today. The message in question, posted at 9:33 PM on ThemeParkCritic.com’s roller coaster forums, was authored by No1BoomerangBeeyatch3. His post, titled “BIG KNEW COASTERS READ THIS,” was described by both linguistic and amusement park experts as “an assault on the English language.”
“I’m stunned,” said Ohio enthusiast Andy Pongracz, 32. “I’ve been reading and posting to these forums for two years, and every other entry I’ve ever witnessed has been a model of correct punctuation and comprehensible, thoughtful prose. I can’t even read this post.”
Added CoasterHombre364, a regular forum participant, “I am deeply offended to see this sort of slipshod writing. All these punctuation errors, the horrible spelling, the run-on sentences…this is the first and only time in the history of coaster enthusiasm that I’ve seen writing this crappy.”
ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending writing sample, which is reproduced below:
i herd six flags got some knew rides for it’s parks, thats good, i like knew coasters THAT ARE BIG so gte some of those who we can ride. my favorite ride’s are one’s that makes me loose my self in them and i forget wear i was, isn’t this the best don’t you think so two? Superman ultimate ascape will be grate because their wont be any breaks for it, its going to be so cool for my girlfriend and i when we ride it and get LOOPED!!!!! And who know’s that other one their doing for enchanted forrest the woody? YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT MORE BIGGER THEN SON OF BEAST RIGHT OR I WONT RIDE IT!!!!!!! do I havemy facilities in tact here or what do u think?
Dr. Carol Lampley, noted professor of English at the University of Georgia, was disconsolate when presented with the post. “This writer consistently makes punctuation errors and misspellings so gruesome that I am uncertain whether the sample is really and truly composed in our native language at all. I would be remiss not to insist on a remedial English course for No1Boomerang3, since he is lagging far behind all the other enthusiasts, each and every one of whom uses proper grammar in his or her online posts.”
--JCK
Readers of a coaster message board were shocked last night by a young coaster enthusiast’s lack of grammatical capability, sources told ARN&R today. The message in question, posted at 9:33 PM on ThemeParkCritic.com’s roller coaster forums, was authored by No1BoomerangBeeyatch3. His post, titled “BIG KNEW COASTERS READ THIS,” was described by both linguistic and amusement park experts as “an assault on the English language.”
“I’m stunned,” said Ohio enthusiast Andy Pongracz, 32. “I’ve been reading and posting to these forums for two years, and every other entry I’ve ever witnessed has been a model of correct punctuation and comprehensible, thoughtful prose. I can’t even read this post.”
Added CoasterHombre364, a regular forum participant, “I am deeply offended to see this sort of slipshod writing. All these punctuation errors, the horrible spelling, the run-on sentences…this is the first and only time in the history of coaster enthusiasm that I’ve seen writing this crappy.”
ARN&R has obtained a copy of the offending writing sample, which is reproduced below:
i herd six flags got some knew rides for it’s parks, thats good, i like knew coasters THAT ARE BIG so gte some of those who we can ride. my favorite ride’s are one’s that makes me loose my self in them and i forget wear i was, isn’t this the best don’t you think so two? Superman ultimate ascape will be grate because their wont be any breaks for it, its going to be so cool for my girlfriend and i when we ride it and get LOOPED!!!!! And who know’s that other one their doing for enchanted forrest the woody? YOUR GOING TO MAKE IT MORE BIGGER THEN SON OF BEAST RIGHT OR I WONT RIDE IT!!!!!!! do I havemy facilities in tact here or what do u think?
Dr. Carol Lampley, noted professor of English at the University of Georgia, was disconsolate when presented with the post. “This writer consistently makes punctuation errors and misspellings so gruesome that I am uncertain whether the sample is really and truly composed in our native language at all. I would be remiss not to insist on a remedial English course for No1Boomerang3, since he is lagging far behind all the other enthusiasts, each and every one of whom uses proper grammar in his or her online posts.”
--JCK
Sheer Terror Sets In As ARN&R Store Down Again
Millions of shoppers were brought to tears today as Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe went down again. "It's almost like they're too cheap to host the store themselves and are instead using some freebie place," said Bob Jones, ARN&R devotee.
Be patient. Your opportunity to give us money will return. We hope.
Millions of shoppers were brought to tears today as Ye Olde Absolutely Reliable News & Rumors Shoppe went down again. "It's almost like they're too cheap to host the store themselves and are instead using some freebie place," said Bob Jones, ARN&R devotee.
Be patient. Your opportunity to give us money will return. We hope.
Enthusiast Whores Self For Discovery Channel
Scandal erupted among the ranks of the American Coaster Enthusiasts this week when member Hugo Monro confessed to making lies and exaggerations in order to be filmed by the Discovery Channel.
The network’s new fall roller coaster special, Top Ten 2002 Thrills, features five steel and five wood coasters judged to be the absolute best the world has to offer. Descriptions of the rides, including the universally beloved classics Hercules, Chiller, Flashback, Son of Beast, Paramount’s Great America’s Grizzly, and various Mind Eraser SLCs, are combined with point-of-view (POP) footage, as well as onboard enthusiast commentaries and interviews.
Said Columbus, Ohio native Munro, 25, “I’ve been racked with guilt ever since doing the special. I have always dreamed of giving my incisive coaster opinions to an enthralled television audience. Unfortunately, Discovery needed someone to do another damn Beast commentary, but I figured, what the hey, anything for my fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize my bald-faced lies would weigh so heavily upon my soul.”
While viewing the special, Munro became visibly distraught as he heard himself cheerfully uttering such preposterous statements as: “Beast is an airtime monster,” “no coaster on the planet Earth has better pacing,” and even “this ride has a good, fun roughness.”
Ultimately sobbing in regret, the enthusiast placed his head in his hands. “What was I thinking? I am such a whore.”
Munro’s self-described “completely absurd” on-board sequence followed, causing him to turn his eyes heavenward, as if asking forgiveness from a higher power. A particularly galling segment of Munro’s narration featured him screaming the following: “Yeah! There are no brakes…oof…(unintelligible)…anywhere. We’re about to…ugh…hit 90 fat miles per hour! Yeah! (unintelligible) Air! More air! Whoo-hoo! Right (unintelligible) best…oof…(obscenity) camelback on this (unintelligible)! Yaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaaah! (unintelligible) number one coaster ever!”
“Boy, that coaster sucked something fierce. I actually got battered so badly during that one ride that I couldn’t walk right for a week, but I just had to be on TV,” confessed Munro. “I have brought shame to my people.” Methodically banging his head against the top of his television set, he added in a barely-audible whisper: “The horror! The horror!”
--JCK
Scandal erupted among the ranks of the American Coaster Enthusiasts this week when member Hugo Monro confessed to making lies and exaggerations in order to be filmed by the Discovery Channel.
The network’s new fall roller coaster special, Top Ten 2002 Thrills, features five steel and five wood coasters judged to be the absolute best the world has to offer. Descriptions of the rides, including the universally beloved classics Hercules, Chiller, Flashback, Son of Beast, Paramount’s Great America’s Grizzly, and various Mind Eraser SLCs, are combined with point-of-view (POP) footage, as well as onboard enthusiast commentaries and interviews.
Said Columbus, Ohio native Munro, 25, “I’ve been racked with guilt ever since doing the special. I have always dreamed of giving my incisive coaster opinions to an enthralled television audience. Unfortunately, Discovery needed someone to do another damn Beast commentary, but I figured, what the hey, anything for my fifteen minutes. I didn’t realize my bald-faced lies would weigh so heavily upon my soul.”
While viewing the special, Munro became visibly distraught as he heard himself cheerfully uttering such preposterous statements as: “Beast is an airtime monster,” “no coaster on the planet Earth has better pacing,” and even “this ride has a good, fun roughness.”
Ultimately sobbing in regret, the enthusiast placed his head in his hands. “What was I thinking? I am such a whore.”
Munro’s self-described “completely absurd” on-board sequence followed, causing him to turn his eyes heavenward, as if asking forgiveness from a higher power. A particularly galling segment of Munro’s narration featured him screaming the following: “Yeah! There are no brakes…oof…(unintelligible)…anywhere. We’re about to…ugh…hit 90 fat miles per hour! Yeah! (unintelligible) Air! More air! Whoo-hoo! Right (unintelligible) best…oof…(obscenity) camelback on this (unintelligible)! Yaaaaah! Yaaaaaaaaah! (unintelligible) number one coaster ever!”
“Boy, that coaster sucked something fierce. I actually got battered so badly during that one ride that I couldn’t walk right for a week, but I just had to be on TV,” confessed Munro. “I have brought shame to my people.” Methodically banging his head against the top of his television set, he added in a barely-audible whisper: “The horror! The horror!”
--JCK
Saturday, November 23, 2002
S&S Power Launches New Assorted Meat Products Division
Continuing his pattern of acquisitions and expansions, S&S Power founder Stan Checketts announced yesterday the establishment of S&S Meat Parts, a wholly-owned subsidiary. S&S Meat Parts "will focus on the needs of amusement parks as it relates to meat and meat-related products," said Checketts, standing atop his new "Absolutely Insane Hot Dog Heater," rising four feet above the folding table at S&S's Logan, Utah, headquarters. "I don't know much about meat, but I know a good hot dog, and I know a guy with a lot of extra hog parts, so I think we're in good shape there. Plus, I can build these hot dog heaters using our patented launch air technology, and you should see those weiners fly through the air."
The first customer for S&S Meat Parts's products is reported to be Paramount's Kings Island, where the machine is expected to operate for four days and stand nonfunctional for the balance of the season.
Continuing his pattern of acquisitions and expansions, S&S Power founder Stan Checketts announced yesterday the establishment of S&S Meat Parts, a wholly-owned subsidiary. S&S Meat Parts "will focus on the needs of amusement parks as it relates to meat and meat-related products," said Checketts, standing atop his new "Absolutely Insane Hot Dog Heater," rising four feet above the folding table at S&S's Logan, Utah, headquarters. "I don't know much about meat, but I know a good hot dog, and I know a guy with a lot of extra hog parts, so I think we're in good shape there. Plus, I can build these hot dog heaters using our patented launch air technology, and you should see those weiners fly through the air."
The first customer for S&S Meat Parts's products is reported to be Paramount's Kings Island, where the machine is expected to operate for four days and stand nonfunctional for the balance of the season.
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