Top Thrill Dragster, Sandusky Condom Sales Linked

In the current financial quarter, both Cedar Fair and Sandusky condom profits hit five-year highs, a substantial and rapid growth acknowledged by representatives of Cedar Fair and Sheik as "extremely pleasing." Although many news organizations have failed to acknowledge the link between the phenomena, ARN&R has unearthed evidence demonstrating that the two come hand in hand. Local Sandusky women told ARN&R that "there's just something about the look of Dragster that Thrills us."

It's seems the 420-foot-high phallus (AKA Top Thrill Dragster) standing high over Sandusky Bay has increased condom sales tenfold as of late. "There is just something about the glow," says Anne Heitz. "Of course, we must remember to practice safe sex at times like these, but man, that gargantuan glowing shaft really gets me going."

The number one selling variety seems to be Trojan Magnums, as this is, according to massive throbbing member experts, "one giant lightning rod sticking into the sky." Asked about the phenomenon, local convenience store owner Abi Abudabababadibuda said, "Our sales quadrupled upon the announcement of Top Thrill Dragster and since then have continued to skyrocket."

The Sandusky Police Dept. has been dispatched to Battery Park numerous times in the last month. Officer Bob Uleime said "Something about the beautiful glistening shaft shining into the sky at night has really revved things up. Why, just last week we took into our custody a couple who were arrested by Cedar Point Police for indecent exposure in front of a web camera at Cedar Point."

Roller coaster enthusiasts have come from across the country in hopes of finally getting some from the residents of Sandusky. William Wisselboi said, "Oh, it is just splendid. I may finally become a real man after all these decades, under the moonlight glow of a gigantic pillar of manly power."

Cedar Point official Dick Kinzel refused to acknowledge the remarkable coincidence between new condom sales and the construction of Top Thrill Dragster, nor would he even admit off the record that the ride is strongly reminiscent of a giant schlong. However, he did confirm that he is "not remotely intimidated by the spectacular height and girth of TTD," and also assured ARN&R that the ride was definitely not, as some had feared, "ribbed for her pleasure."

--BCK

[Editor's Note: If that huge shaft thrusting through the air at Cedar Point is making your lover question your manhood on a nightly basis, get back at it by purchasing one of our excellent t-shirts showing a dude pissing on Top Thrill Dragster. It'll still have a bigger package than you by several hundred feet, but you'll feel a little better about yourself.]

Redneck Parks Square Off on Springer

On today’s Jerry Springer show, titled “I’m in a Bizarre Love Triangle With My Uncle and Cousin,” small redneck amusement parks Lake Winnepesaukah and Conneaut Lake were the featured guests. Observers of the show rated the episode one of the best in Springer history for its substantial amount of cat fighting, trash talk, and shocking gross-out moments.

The segment began with Lake Winnepesaukah confessing the forbidden love it was sharing with Conneaut Lake. “We first cousins, so we had to sneak out behind our mommas backs ever since we was 12 to go (obscenity) out back of the outhouse down the block. Now I’m here to tell momma and the whole world about our love and if they don’t like it they can (obscenity) theyselfs.” At this, the audience broke into a rambunctious chant of “Incest whore! Incest whore!” after which Lake Winnie yelled to them, “you best talk to the hand, you best talk to the hand! You all don’t know me. You just jealous cause you don’t get to (obscenity) none of this (obscenity).” Lake Winnie then dropped its pants before a booing and laughing crowd before being gently led to its seat by Springer bodyguard Steve.

Following the commercial break, Conneaut Lake came on the set and engaged in grotesque tongue kissing and body rubbing with Lake Winnie. After the pair sat down, revelations began. Although Lake Winnie thought the pair was appearing on the show to confess their incestuous love, Conneaut Lake had brought Winnie on to announce that it was also having sex with Visionland. “Oh, sick!” yelled Winnie. “That you uncle! You (several obscenities) my daddy, you sick (really awful obscenity)? You (obscenity) uncle (obscenity)!” Winnie immediately gave a vicious pimp slap to Conneaut Lake, who responded by ripping Lake Winnie’s shirt off and pulling its hair. Steve was forced to drag the two apart with help from two other guards.

The love triangle grew more sordid with the introduction of Visionland, who, after fighting off a slap assault by Lake Winnepesaukah, told Conneaut Lake that it was “tired of (obscenity) its fat (obscenity) and it had a saggy, stupid ass and was a white trash (obscenity).” Visionland then went backstage and brought out its 11-year-old daughter Old Town, whom it proposed to onstage and gave a sloppy tongue kiss as Old Town ran its fingers through Visionland’s luxuriant mullet.

A total free-for-all of fighting and (almost completely bleeped) screaming consumed the remaining three minutes of show time. Springer concluded the show with pithy words of wisdom: “We all face our lives in different ways. Although some of us may not understand a trashy amusement park marrying its daughter or loving its uncle right, these are just different ways of expressing devotion. We can only hope that such incestuous displays don’t continue the cycle of anger and violence these parks seem to feel, and that they can come to grips with these events and move on with their seasons. Take care of yourselves and each other. Thank you.”

--JCK

North Carolinian Warlord Lays Down Gauntlet

Kenny Bob Long III, feared dictator of the North Carolina portion of Paramount's Carowinds, escalated that park's ongoing crisis by making what he deemed the "final" offer. "If Paramount does not provide this part of the park full funding for a dramatic expansion of the Dippin' Dots franchises, the good people of North Carolina will have no choice but to consider usage of the funnel cakes for which we now have all of the necessary ingredients," said chief negotiator Billy Ray Robert. Long added in a written statement: "The suppression of the People's Republic of Northern Carowinds by the aggressors south of here must end, and our possession of flour, powdered sugar, and certain artificial flavorings will help us end that suppression."

The park has been a simmering hotbed of tension ever since Long acknowledged that the insular North Carolina part of the park had been developing a funnel cake program for several years, despite an agreement that such development would be put on hold in return for full funding for the northern shows, in particular Long's favorite, "I Married My Cousin and Didn't Have No Mutants As Kids!," a rollicking musical romp through the culture of North Carolina. Despite that agreement, operatives from Paramount headquarters determined that the funnel cakes were not solely in South Carolina, and indeed, that North Carolina had purchased the key ingredients from rogue parks such as the now-defunct Race World in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee.

The free-market South Carolina portion of the park, with its thriving economy based largely on high-tech (on-ride photos) and the arts (caricatures and "old-time" photography) has been living in fear of a full-blown funnel cake onslaught, and has been dependent on Paramount Parks to prevent catastrophe. With Long's ongoing threats and ever-more-quirky behavior (including a recent proposal to replace the water in the Flying Super Saturator with calf's blood), that fear has been increased.

Gary Slade, publisher of Amusement Today, has been called in to mediate the dispute, but experts fear that he will merely distract the parties with his constant barrage of grammatical and spelling errors.

For Second Straight Year, Cedar Point Reaches Finals

In last night’s playoff action, Cedar Point held off a late rally from Paramount’s King’s Island to earn the Eastern Conference crown and face off next week in a highly anticipated rematch of last year’s final. Once again, the Point will square off against Six Flags Magic Mountain for the theme park crown.

“I want to shout out and give thanks to my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ for this great victory, because I know He was with us and will bring us a championship,” said Point guard Troy Hudson. “We came to play, we brought our game face out, and we were the most G’d up tonight.”

The Point almost didn’t return to the finals. After leading their series with PKI three games to one, Cedar Point seemed to relax, and allowed the tough Islanders to dominate them in the next two face/offs. However, the Point, despite facing the scoring of Dirk “Beast” Nowitski and the mad airtime of Tracy “The Vortex” McGrady, outlasted a final last-minute barrage of PKI outside shooting to win 116-112. Shaquille “Mean Streak” O’Neal led the Point with 40 points, while Ben “The Raptor” Wallace notched a timely triple-double to help lead the team to victory.

Cedar Point moves on to play a SFMM team that has won two straight championships, but has looked surprisingly vulnerable this playoff season. In the first round, it took SFMM seven games to earn victory against the undermanned but scrappy eighth seed Family Kingdom, who was led by Swamp “The Answer” Fox and his absurd 38.5 point per game average for the series. After a relatively easy victory over Sea World Texas, the conference final was an epic battle, including five overtime games, which SFMM barely won from a tough young Holiday World squad.

Pregame hype for the championship has already begun. “Last year, Magic Mountain handed us our big Dr. Seuss hat and mopped the park urinals with us,” said Cedar Point coach George Karl. “We had our chances in that series, but the more we tightened our grasp, the more they slipped through our fingers. We’re going to finish this off and do it right this year so that fans of Cedar Point, the best fans on Earth, can celebrate a world championship with their team. We are the Millennium Force!”

--JCK

Paramount's Carowinds Adds New Themed Land

Attempting to spruce up the themed experience at their park, Paramount's Carowinds executives announced today that they would be opening a new and exciting themed land this season. Work on the makeover and new attractions has been progressing at a feverish pace, and the unique New Age Hippie Weirdo Land is expected to be completed in time for the busy summer influx of customers.

Theming of the New Age Hippie Weirdo Land section will be "very immersive," says park spokesman Tom Haden. Visitors will enter the new land through thick curtains of macrame beeds. Pathways will be made entirely of real hemp, burning incense will waft about in thick, gag-inducing clouds, and all of the new area's ride and shop workers will be required to grow greasy dreadlocks and stop bathing and using deodorant. Gift shops will sell mood rings, healing crystals, and, of course, loads of water bongs ("for use only as humorous gifts," says Haden). Street vendors will hawk tasty fare such as bean sprout and tempeh pizza, wheat grass shakes, and sandwiches made from a new soy and wheat-gluten product called I Can't Believe It's Not Blue Whale Meat!

New attractions are also being built at a rapid pace. First will be the Baghwan Sri Rajneesh Limo Ride, which Haden describes as "a lot like Disney's Superstar Limo, except it doesn't suck. It's a ride that shows important scenes in the life of the Baghwan, and includes great live interaction where passengers have their wallets stolen and then get felt up by perverts covered in latex." There will also be a new ride called Patchouli Armageddon; Haden is tight-lipped about the details of this ride, but does assure ARN&R that "it'll be an assault on all the senses. Well, I guess mainly just the sense of smell, to be honest."

But the crowning achievement of the new land will simply be a clever retheming of the Flying Super Saturator water coaster, now to be called the Magical Surprise Cleansing and Healing Barium Colonic. "This one is pure genius," says Haden. "With the incredible volume and power of the water blasting up at the riders in the form of geysers and water cannons, we realized that if passengers were required to ride naked, they would get an enema whether they want one or not!"

When asked whether this type of themed land would appear to be a better fit for sister park Paramount's Great America, Haden was resolute in his denial. "Certainly not. That park is in California, and those people are already eating soy curd and ritualistically flushing their bowels on a daily basis anyway. This wouldn't take them to a new plane of reality. However, the good people of North...er..." (Here Haden paused to check which section of Carowinds he was standing in.) "...I mean South Carolina...have never seen such wacky s%$#. They're going to fall in love with New Age Hippie Weirdo Land."

--JCK

ARN&R Weather Update

It was just gorgeous here at ARN&R Towers over the weekend. Naturally, that means we prepared four -- yes, four! -- pieces for your edification since Friday afternoon. So be sure to scroll down to see 'em all. And buy stuff. If you get yourself on any nationally-televised amusement-park-related television show wearing ARN&R stuff, we'll...um. Send you more stuff. Or something.

Six Flags Elitch Gardens Thinks Paying Customers Want to Swim in Garbage

Six Flags Elitch Gardens, the flagship property of the outstanding and beloved chain, recently announced a most unusual activity: Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste. The promotional activity, described in great detail at the park’s webpage, was created by SFEG management under the bizarre assumption that park guests would enjoy floundering in half-eaten chilidogs, sticky candy wrappers, rotted lettuce, and vomit.

“We are proud to announce this fabulous Xtreme new activity, which is totally free with paid admission to the park itself,” said park rep Graham Heatherdowns. “We’ll have prizes provided by Coke and the park, including season passes, passes to upcharge attractions, and half-gnawed peach pits, and we toss these things into an unspeakably filthy dumpster that smells like Satan pinched a loaf all over it. We know our patrons will especially enjoy breaststroking through raw tons of foul murk to find these superb prizes. And they might find a chunk of still-edible funnel cake, too!”

Eying a youngster poised uncertainly and reluctantly at the edge of the Swimming in Dumpsters Filled With Disgusting Waste attraction, Heatherdowns yelled out to him angrily, “Get in there you big furry oaf, I don’t care what you smell!”

--JCK

Paramount to Relaunch Bonfante Gardens as Rugrats Gardenzville

Many enthusiasts were pleased to hear that Paramount would be managing Bonfante Gardens, the garden-themed nonprofit amusement park in northern California. And now Paramount has announced its plans: Bonfante Gardens will henceforth be known as Rugrats Gardenzville and undergo a complete retheming.

Upon entering the park, guests will no longer be greeted by decades-old "circus trees," carefully tended to maintain their beauty. Instead, according to park spokesman Bruce Falbo, "Those ugly things got torn out and thrown out back. Who wants crazy-ass trees at an amusement park, anyway? Now we've got all the Rugrats and Blue and sometimes even guest stars from Nickelodeon in the entrance plaza, right next to the Drop Zone tower ride and the all-new launched coaster Flight of Fear."

The unique plant- and vegetable-themed rides will be rethemed as well. Gone is the Artichoke Dip flat ride -- it's now the Hurler. And the Garlic Twirl is now Blue's Big Adventure Spinning Ride. "Yep," said Falbo, "It'll be just like Paramount's Great America up the street. It'll be great!"

When reached for comment, Michael Bonfante, who has cared for the trees and other plants in the park for years and dedicated his life to founding the park, wept quietly.

Breaking News: Six Flags to Open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq

Details are sketchy as yet, but ARN&R has received word from three independent and well-informed sources that Six Flags Inc. will open Six Flags Over Shiite-Controlled Iraq within three weeks.

The park, to be located near Najaf, will celebrate the long history of the Shiite fundamentalists' anti-American radicalism, including several new coasters. The signature coaster will be a new Intamin hypercoaster called "Superman: Ride of Destroying the American Infidels," with a GCI-designed wooden coaster called simply "Kill All Americans." Flat rides include a Top Scan called "God Will Roast Their Stomachs in Hell at the Hands of Iraqis," and Sally is expected to provide a heavily themed interactive dark ride called "Amerian Infidel Hunters."

Six Flags spokeswoman Rachel Solt declared, "Six Flags has always been about celebrating diversity -- heck, our flagship park is themed after all the different cultures that had controlled Texas! This is just another way of showing the world how much we love every person, even if they wish to kill us and destroy our government!"

Universal's Plans For Coaster Criticized By Neighborhood; Enthusiasts Furious

Universal Studios announced last week plans for an enormous hyper coaster to run on each of its Islands of Adventure, breaking numerous world records as it goes, but there was just one quirk: the bottom of its initial 345-foot drop would run straight through a day care center for underprivileged orphans that sits just outside Universal's property, and the track would have no fencing around it at all, permitting the orphans to crawl over the track as they please while the coaster was operating. Universal also announced that it would use the day care center as the sorting facility for its massive garbage recycling program.

Orlando neighborhood activists were incensed and immediately vowed to block the coaster's construction, calling the company's actions "insensitive" and "appalling." Once word spread among enthusiasts, however, the activists were termed "snotty NIMBYers" (referring to "Not In My Backyard") "who should've known what to expect when they moved to Orlando, including incredibly dangerous amusement rides causing great bodily harm to toddler orphans."

"It's just like when Disney got screwed out of building a theme park near the colonial battlegrounds!" complained HistorySuxCoasterzRule, an active participant at CoasterBuzz. "It was going to be totally respectful of history -- heck, they were even going to have authentic colonial roasted turkey legs! But noooo, the so-called historians blocked that, and now the so-called 'orphans' are using their powerful lobbying force to block what would be terrific for Orlando."

Universal, at press time, was standing firm on its plans, and was in fact considering expanding them. "We've been thinking that the church next door that provides food to hundreds of homeless people daily would be a terrific place for a gift shop and maybe a climbing wall!" said spokesman Charles Anderson. "And maybe we'll add a Dippin' Dots booth in that day care center, too."