Phillip Morris Awards Public Service Award

It was announced today that Phillip Morris would be awarding its annual Special Public Service in Support of the Tobacco Industry Award to the amusement park Six Flags New England.

"This day is a great one for our amusement park," said Six Flags New England manager Henry Hacker. "We've been doing our best to angle for this kind of recognition from Big Tobacco, and damn if it didn't finally pay off. Guests have been pleased this year to note that we are maintaining a 93% level of people under 15 smoking in our park. Additionally, we are very proud of our 'non-smoking policy' in line." Here he paused to stifle a chuckle. "A survey of the line for Superman last week uncovered the fact that, on average, 76% of the entire line is smoking! That's just amazing!"

Hacker added that "the fact that so many teenagers are firing up and blowing their foul fumes at the non-smokers in line, and generally doing so right in front of laughable signs threatening expulsion for smoking in line, is just extra spunky. And we've of course instructed our ride ops not to call anyone down for spewing noxious waste out their mouths right in the station, and our crack security squad makes sure to avoid being anywhere near that line, both because we wouldn't want them to stop the white trash from sharing their smoke stench, or to prevent them from cutting in line at a rate of 6,456,895 cuts per minute that we currently maintain."

Jesse Helms will be the Philip Morris special guest at the presentation. Helms assured ARN&R that he would be certain to knock over some cancer patients and spit in their faces on his way to the podium, and probably find time to persecute some blacks and gays and burn some schools down on his way back to his plantation when it is finished.

--JCK

Area Man Questions Sexuality After Experiencing Top Gun: The Jet Coaster

Asheville, North Carolina, resident Jason MacDunleavy began to question his sexual preference after a ride on the B&M inverted coaster "Top Gun: The Jet Coaster" last Saturday at Paramount’s Carowinds.

"As I got in line, I heard the Kenny Loggins song Dangerzone," said Dunleavy. "My heart started pounding when I saw giant pictures of Val Kilmer and Tom Cruise. I was really pumped – my adrenaline level was so high, I felt an overwhelming desire to high five, and then experience hot man love with, the Iceman. That second part -- you know, the hot man love part -- sort of surprised me."

By the time MacDunleavy got into the ride station, he had begun to look at his girlfriend as if she were a stranger. "I don’t know what happened," said Jennifer Kailo, Jason’s longtime girlfriend. "Take My Breath Away was playing on the P.A. – it was our song. I reached out for Jason’s hand and he practically jumped back from me." By the time the couple had gone through the flat spin, Jason had ended the relationship, telling Kailo that he needed "time to think."

Quentin Tarantino, famed movie director and expert on the effects of Top Gun on male sexuality, was not surprised. "It’s only natural that a ride inspired by the most homoerotic movie of all time would make a man gay."

--MMS

Report: HersheyPark Pops MTV Video Music Awards Winner

With the 2003 MTV Video Music Awards set to air tomorrow night, rumors have been flying about the likely winners. From betting pools to water cooler discussions, nothing is more important to any U.S. citizen than the winner of the awards. "I, like, heard that Justin Timberlake will win!" exclaimed fourteen-year-old Ashlee Gorms, interviewed outside AbsolutelyReliableTowers.

But the actual winners' names are kept under lock and key, and all those rumors have just been rumors.

Until now.

ARN&R can exclusively report that the wildly successful HersheyPark Pops orchestra will win at least the Best Male Video prize, and possibly the Best Female Video and Best Group Video awards as well. After a bizarre rash of disqualifications, based generally on the other performers' intensely painful venereal diseases preventing their appearance at the show, the Pops will be added as last-minute nominees approximately an hour before the broadcast will begin.

The Pops' rousing performance of the theme to Star Wars will be the winning song. The Star Wars video, which has rapidly gained near-constant airplay on MTV, MTV-2, and VH-1, consists of a quickly-edited combination of the videotape taken by three tourists visiting on a hot Saturday afternoon along with solos performed by a violist standing in front of a life-size Darth Vader cutout.

"Awesome!" said Gorms when told of the orchestra's likely win. "That video totally rocks! But I don't know why they couldn't edit out that idiot yelling 'More up-bows!' He was a jerk."

Breaking News -- Huge Six Flags Profits

For the first time in over a half-decade, Six Flags Theme Parks Inc. announced mindblowingly incredibly unbelievably huge profits, thrilling investors with visions of a future of constant and enormous...

Oh, wait.

Sorry.

They lost metric assloads of money again. Didn't see that minus sign there.

Move on. Nothing to see here.

Ambassadors Fail in Mideast Peace Talks

After the latest round of violence between Israelis and Palestinians swept the Mideast this week, the United States took what many experts considered to be its boldest action in some years: sending in the Ambassadors. Sadly, the group of five high school youngsters serving as Ride Ambassadors at Worlds of Fun park, near Kansas City, unfortunately failed miserably in achieving lasting peace and harmony in the troubled region.

"I got the call personally from President George W. Bush," said Billy Joe Harrigan, 16. "I was proud to serve the interests of the world by flying over to India to work out the problems between the British and the Djiboutians. It didn't seem to work much, but we'll keep trying, just like we keep trying to get that dumb Boomerang to work right for more than four minutes at a time."

"It's too bad we couldn't succeed in doing, you know, that stuff or whatever," added Sue Canner, 15, in thoughtful, succinct fashion. "I tried to think of what I'd do to, you know, that thing or whatever on the Pirate Ship, but that didn't solve the problems for the Pakistanis and the Hare Krishnas or whoever it is that, you know, they don't get along or something."

Donte Stallworth, 18, noted that "anyone who doesn't love each other by Tuesday, we'll put them on Orient Express and ram those horsecollars down on their collarbones until they snap, and then those punks from Sri Lanka and Canada will fix stuff and we'll be heroes."

"Who are these cretins?" flustered United Nations Peace Discusser Umberto Boutros Darklighter said in a press conference this morning. "President Bush promises to help us resolve our problems with Palestinians, and then he sends over these idiot 'Ride ambassadors.'" -here Darklighter made those irritating air quotes with his fingers- "All they know about are amusement park attractions. They can't even figure out what country they're in or who they are supposed to be talking with! Why can't we get real negotiators?"

The question is a good one, but will likely remain unanswered. Today, high-ranking Israeli and Palestinian authorities assured ARN&R that they both fully intend to just go on killing and maiming and generally acting pretty much like complete assholes, and no Ride Ambassadors, Cast Members, or Special Happy Fun Mechanical Device Enabling Support Staff Technicians can stop them.

--JCK

Confirmed: Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom Will Get 'The Shaft' In 2004

Rival rumor reporting Web site, Screamscape.com, reported on Friday, August 22nd, that Six Flags Kentucky Kingdom would 'most likely get the shaft for 2004.' Much more well-informed and intellectually superior reporters at ARN&R were able to undeniably confirm that rumor today.

After a long night of heavy drinking and salacious skirt chasing on Saturday with Kentucky Kingdom vice-president and general manager Lee Graham, ARN&R reporter JWS challenged Graham to an all-nude grape jelly and brown gravy wrestling match. JWS wagered his entire collection of roller coaster shaped Frosted Flakes against Graham's ante of an exclusive interview about Kentucky Kingdom's plans for their new mystery attraction for 2004.

A very sickeningly sticky grape, gravy Graham lost his dignity as well as the wrestling match after being pinned in just less than 30 seconds by the admittedly considerably more experienced sweetmeat wrestler JWS. As a result of his embarrassing loss, Graham was forced to spill the beans about what is coming to Kentucky Kingdom in 2004.

In between numerous booze-induced blackouts, and while he wasn't 'praying to the porcelain god', Graham somewhat incoherently described the new ride.

"It's called The Love Shaft. It's made by Eminem from Swisherland and it's gonna kick ash. It's really, really, really tall and thick and stuff shoots out of it while people go up and down on it. Wanna see my own personal demonshrash... demonspraysh... essample of it?" warbled Graham with a lustfully devilish grin on his face.

JWS politely declined Graham's offer of a 'personal demonstration' of the new ride and instead pressed Graham for further details.

Several breath mints, two cold showers, and eight cups of coffee later, JWS was able to determine from Graham that the ride will actually be called simply 'The Shaft.' Intamin of Switzerland will manufacture the ride. It will be very similar to an S&S double-shot tower ride combined with exhilarating water effects. The tower will stand 225 feet tall and will accommodate 16 guests per ride cycle. Each ride cycle will last approximately 30 seconds. For the coup de grace, a fountain of water will spray out of the top of the ride drenching guests as they are bounced up and down on the tower.

The Shaft is expected to begin popping at Kentucky Kingdom in June 2004.

--JWS

Kings Island to Replace Water Park with Water Sports Fetish Section

Many stories have reported the fact that Parmount's Kings Island will be removing its Water Works water park after this season. Most speculation has focused on a bigger water park taking its place, in particular noting publicist comments suggesting that patrons bring their swimsuits.

But ARN&R can now exclusively report that those reports are wrong, or at least misguided. In fact, PKI will be replacing the entire section with a water park...but a water park of a different kind. Called "Golden Showers Lagoon," the 20-acre section of the park will be entirely dedicated to "water sports" fetishists -- those for whom urination and all of its variants are arousing.

"This is really an underserved market in the Cincinnati area," said Michael Poland, park spokesman. "If it goes well, we're thinking about retheming a lot of the park to other fetishes. Like maybe an inverted coaster with an area below it for foot fetishists to really get a good look at the riders' feet. We like to think outside the box here."

The equipment for the new park will be provided by NBGS International of New Braunfel's, Texas, and BucketsOfPee.com of Tijuana, Mexico. Patrons will be required to shower before and after leaving Golden Showers Lagoon and proper identification will be required.

Ex-Girlfriend Exposes Credit Fraud

The track record of enthusiast Jeremy Abernathy was exposed as fraudulent by an embittered ex-girlfriend Wednesday. Joining the Coasterbuzz and Roller Coaster Talk forums under the screen name “Jeremyisatool21”, Deanna Wonskilasti, 23, posted the following statement:

“I know that coaster enthusiasts take track records and credits seriously. I want all of you to know that Jeremy Abernathy, aka “NephewofBeast”, lied about his coaster credits, insulting whatever it is you guys stand for.”

Ms. Wonskilasti proceeded to list 9 coasters, including most notably Top Cat’s Taxi Jam (Paramount Kings Island), Vapor Trail (Sesame Place), and Ice Dragon (Universal Studios Islands of Adventure.) “He’s never even been to Sesame Place.” Said Ms. Wonskilasti, who was unceremoniously dumped by Abernathy after she told him she preferred the Beast Roller coaster to its follow up, Son of Beast. “I had to go public with this information to clear my own conscience, and to expose him as a complete jackass.”

“Why Mr. Abernathy would falsify his track record is a mystery,” said Jeff Putz, Coasterbuzz Webmaster and President in an exclusive ARN&R interview. “Nobody is judged on their track record -- and there is absolutely no pressure to ride coasters for the sake of ‘credits.’”

Jeremy Abernathy could not be reached for comment at press time.

--MMS

Wal-Mart Stores To Start Selling Vekoma Roller Coasters

The Wal-Mart Corporation announced today that, based on the outrageously successful sales of the Six Flags Cool Coaster toy at Wal-Mart stores nationwide, the discount department store chain will begin stocking full-size Vekoma suspended looping roller coasters at all of their North American locations later this year.

In an exclusive interview with H. Lee Scott, CEO of Wal-Mart Stores, ARN&R learned that Wal-Mart and Netherlands based Vekoma Rides were in the final stages of negotiations concerning the pricing and product positioning of the coasters. "There are just a few minor details to iron out. Vekoma wants to be sure that their superior product receives premium end-cap placement in high foot traffic areas within all of our stores, and we want to be sure that we get the best possible cost savings. We're working on a compromise right now. As soon as those negotiations are complete, the coasters will be on our shelves, hopefully in plenty of time for the 2003 holiday shopping season," said Scott.

Wal-Mart expects that because of the chain's tremendous purchasing power, they will be able to buy the coasters in bulk from Vekoma, thereby significantly lowering the cost per unit. Those cost savings will be passed on directly to consumers. The expected shelf price for a no-frills cookie-cutter suspended looping coaster will be somewhere around $119.97.

"You never know though. The price could go down even lower than that if that price-cutting little smiley face guy happens to swing by and do his magic price-lowering whistle thingy," said Fairfax, Virginia Wal-Mart cashier, Maxwell Cunningham.

The Six Flags Corporation has already placed several hundred pre-orders with Wal-Mart for the discount coasters. "At that price, we can afford to put ten or twenty Mind Erasers in every single Six Flags park," boasted Six Flags COO, Gary Story.

Wal-Mart is also reportedly in negotiations with German flat ride manufacturer, Huss Rides, and hopes to be stocking Giant Top Spins and Giant Frisbees in time for the 2004 holiday shopping season.

--JWS

Cathy Lee Gifford Appointed Visionland GM

This past week, the theme park world was thrown into turmoil with the announcement that Visionland General Manager Terry Lee Mackey had been arrested, and was later fined, for child labor law violations. Cited for forcing child employees to work past 9PM and to work 14-hour shifts, both Alabama state violations, Mackey was sent to the “Time-Out Chair” by Visionland and relieved of duty by Park Superintendent William Chalmers. There was previous speculation that Mackey would be disciplined for giving paddlings and for making employees wash his blackboards, but these charges were eventually dropped by the state.

In a hastily called press conference, Chalmers announced that the park had seen the error of its ways. “We have seen the error of our ways,” he stated. “We know that our previous manager would run his child labor force into the ground, driving them before him like sweaty, broken animals. The very sight of these poor, flea-bitten, glazed youngsters carting rocks up and down a quarry filled me with weepy sadness. So, in order to rectify our now-sullied image, we are making a bold hiring decision that will demonstrate to the world just how much we care about children and fair labor practices involving them. May I introduce our new general manager, Cathy Lee Gifford!”

Gifford declined to comment to reporters, as she was already busy converting Visionland to a dank, mosquito-infested sweatshop. “Churn those shoes out, you little f%*ker!” she was heard to scream at an eight-year-old Montgomery native, Benjamin Wilkins. Cruelly lashing her bullwhip across the buttocks of several ride attendants who weren’t working fast enough for her satisfaction, Gifford was heard to yell, “My precious Cody needs a Rolls Royce, his own Six Flags park, and mountains of beautiful designer gravy, and I’ll flog anyone who stands in his way!”

Alabama chief labor inspector Wolfgang Trammel told ARN&R that he was “somewhat concerned” about Visionland’s commitment to protecting its child labor force, but that his department would “take a wait-and-see approach” to the situation.

--JCK