ACE Hires New Remedial Spelling Consultant
The American Coaster Enthusiasts (ACE) recently faced another of their myriad of public relations gaffes when it was revealed that large numbers of its executive committee and publications writers and editors were severely deficient in basic spelling. The shocking news came to light with the most recent issue of ACE News, which featured an article covering this past November's International Association of Amusement Parks and Attractions (IAAPA) Trade Show.
In the article, the ACE booth at the show was described as having a "prime location," clear proof that the organization was in attendance as an exhibitor. Yet, a mere paragraph before, the article claimed the following: "Exhibitors ran the alphabetical gamut, from Amusement Today to Zierer." Puzzlingly, ACE either entirely forgot it was at the trade show, or failed to realize that the alphabetical gamut actually went, at the very least, from ACE to Zierer.
Fortunately, ACE has realized its problem, and has just announced the hiring of an expert who can assist prominent ACE leaders and editors with their ABC difficulties: Barney.
"Whoa, heidi-hoodily-doodily!" screamed the giant purple dinosaur, twirling and jumping in the air for emphasis. "The Alphabet is fun, fun, fun!" He then reached down and suggestively massaged Baby Bop's groin.
"Barney is so awesome!" said one ACE editor. "I always thought 'Amusement Today' came before 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' or 'ACE' when you arrange things alphabetically! But now I know that, when one wants things to be done according to alphabetical gamut, then either 'ACE' or 'American Coaster Enthusiasts' would actually come before 'Amusement Today.' Score!"
A spokesman for Barney indicated that the Purple One hoped to have all major ACE personalities knowing their alphabet within a week or two, but he felt that "working on the 'its-it's problem' was a "bit too advanced" and not "fun-de-dun-ton-fun" at this time.
--JCK
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Bow to Your New Master
It's pretty audacious to call yourself The Roller Coaster God. Even if one were spectacularly knowledgeable about roller coasters, or had written major dissertations on them, or had ridden more of them than any other human, the title is more than a little presumptuous. For instance, Robert Cartmell, Bob Coker, and Scott Rutherford have all written excellent books about coasters, yet all have had the good taste not to refer to themselves as "gods," "high exalted poobahs," or even "minor assistant Ancient Scandinavian deities." For crying out loud, even Paul Ruben doesn't call himself "The Roller Coaster God." Well, not in public, anyway.
Of course, some enthusiasts are bolder. However, when one of them develops a website that has approximately 437 links, and only about three of them actually work, then his claim to be "The Roller Coaster God" is unlikely to be seen as credible. His claim to the title of Roller Coaster God is also substantially hindered by his decision to note when his hopeless disaster of a website was "last Perfected" instead of "updated," and by offering these words of wisdom, which we reprint exactly as they appear on the front page of Roller Coaster God's site:
Welcome to God's Play Toy's. Designed by "The Future of Roller Coasters". It's that time of year again where all the theme parks are in FULL SWING for all us coaster enthusiast to enjoy the parks! Enjoy all of the information, pics, and tons of other things I have to offer!! -RollerCoasterGod
Please pick up your consolation surprises backstage, Roller Coaster God.
Oh, and, by the way, you just became the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
--JCK
It's pretty audacious to call yourself The Roller Coaster God. Even if one were spectacularly knowledgeable about roller coasters, or had written major dissertations on them, or had ridden more of them than any other human, the title is more than a little presumptuous. For instance, Robert Cartmell, Bob Coker, and Scott Rutherford have all written excellent books about coasters, yet all have had the good taste not to refer to themselves as "gods," "high exalted poobahs," or even "minor assistant Ancient Scandinavian deities." For crying out loud, even Paul Ruben doesn't call himself "The Roller Coaster God." Well, not in public, anyway.
Of course, some enthusiasts are bolder. However, when one of them develops a website that has approximately 437 links, and only about three of them actually work, then his claim to be "The Roller Coaster God" is unlikely to be seen as credible. His claim to the title of Roller Coaster God is also substantially hindered by his decision to note when his hopeless disaster of a website was "last Perfected" instead of "updated," and by offering these words of wisdom, which we reprint exactly as they appear on the front page of Roller Coaster God's site:
Welcome to God's Play Toy's. Designed by "The Future of Roller Coasters". It's that time of year again where all the theme parks are in FULL SWING for all us coaster enthusiast to enjoy the parks! Enjoy all of the information, pics, and tons of other things I have to offer!! -RollerCoasterGod
Please pick up your consolation surprises backstage, Roller Coaster God.
Oh, and, by the way, you just became the ARN&R Site O' the Weak.
--JCK
Monday, February 23, 2004
Magic Springs Gets Alcohol Permit, Now Hoping for Gun and Chaw Permits
Magic Springs Amusement Park, located outside Hot Springs, Arkansas, recently announced that it had received a permit to sell beer and wine at its restaurants. The permit approval was considered a significant win for the park, especially as previous efforts had been rejected.
Less well-known are the park's future permitting plans. Park associate manager Ray Abney told ARN&R of the plans in an exclusive interview. "We's plannin' t'apply fer permits t'sell an' carry guns, 'specially six-shooters, an' to gets a permit allerin' us t'require ev'ry employee t'have a cheek full of chaw at all moments. We reckon this hyar will he'p help our park's sophisticated image even more, y'all!"
Researchers indicate that the park's efforts to allow widespread carrying of "six-shooters," both among guests and employees, and to require chewing tobacco usage among all employees are unprecedented in the modern era of amusement parks. "You have to go back to [defunct Arkansas park] Dogpatch USA to find a park that's embracing its heritage this enthusiastically," said amusement park historian Andy Sanders. "Even if it is a hick moron heritage that's only allowed for the state to be 49th-best at just about anything you can think of."
If the permits are granted, Magic Springs has reportedly looked into pursuing an exemption from the Equal Protection Clause of the U.S. Constitution to allow for short-term slavery, in addition to a possible effort to permit in-park weddings among relatives, including siblings.
Magic Springs Amusement Park, located outside Hot Springs, Arkansas, recently announced that it had received a permit to sell beer and wine at its restaurants. The permit approval was considered a significant win for the park, especially as previous efforts had been rejected.
Less well-known are the park's future permitting plans. Park associate manager Ray Abney told ARN&R of the plans in an exclusive interview. "We's plannin' t'apply fer permits t'sell an' carry guns, 'specially six-shooters, an' to gets a permit allerin' us t'require ev'ry employee t'have a cheek full of chaw at all moments. We reckon this hyar will he'p help our park's sophisticated image even more, y'all!"
Researchers indicate that the park's efforts to allow widespread carrying of "six-shooters," both among guests and employees, and to require chewing tobacco usage among all employees are unprecedented in the modern era of amusement parks. "You have to go back to [defunct Arkansas park] Dogpatch USA to find a park that's embracing its heritage this enthusiastically," said amusement park historian Andy Sanders. "Even if it is a hick moron heritage that's only allowed for the state to be 49th-best at just about anything you can think of."
If the permits are granted, Magic Springs has reportedly looked into pursuing an exemption from the Equal Protection Clause of the U.S. Constitution to allow for short-term slavery, in addition to a possible effort to permit in-park weddings among relatives, including siblings.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Disney Promises to Remake Muppets
Disney announced this week that it would acquire the rights to the Muppets characters, developed by Jim Henson, and it promised big changes.
"All that irony and humor that was so great in The Muppet Show, aiming above the four-year-old set? Gone," said spokesman Chad Munsinger. "We'll give those puppets some big creepy-ass eyes, put all the girls in princess dresses, and take out anything that might be considered remotely appealing to adults. We'll add in some hideous songs -- roughly half sung by Phil Collins to auto-generated ballad music, the other half sung in a piercing falsetto -- and blast the songs at approximately 110 decibels at every possible opportunity. It'll be great!"
Recalling the days when The Muppet Show and Muppets Tonight would feature quirky guest stars such as Prince, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price, and Arlo Guthrie, Munsinger indicated that those days were long gone. "We're all about synergy now. If we have a Muppet television show, you'll be seeing other Disney characters and ABC personalities -- like maybe Barbara Walters. That'd be a hoot!"
Reports indicate that the Swedish Chef will be barred from all Disney properties ("too scary and insensitive to our Swedish guests") and that Bert and Ernie will only be seen during Gay Days. Gonzo will appear but will no longer have a romantic interest in chickens. And Animal will be replaced by a slightly rough-looking "but hot" twenty-something drummer "aimed at the tweener set."
[Ed. Note: Yes, we know Bert & Ernie aren't part of the deal since they were sold to CTW a ways back, so settle down and send us bizarre e-mails about something else.]
Disney announced this week that it would acquire the rights to the Muppets characters, developed by Jim Henson, and it promised big changes.
"All that irony and humor that was so great in The Muppet Show, aiming above the four-year-old set? Gone," said spokesman Chad Munsinger. "We'll give those puppets some big creepy-ass eyes, put all the girls in princess dresses, and take out anything that might be considered remotely appealing to adults. We'll add in some hideous songs -- roughly half sung by Phil Collins to auto-generated ballad music, the other half sung in a piercing falsetto -- and blast the songs at approximately 110 decibels at every possible opportunity. It'll be great!"
Recalling the days when The Muppet Show and Muppets Tonight would feature quirky guest stars such as Prince, Phyllis Diller, Vincent Price, and Arlo Guthrie, Munsinger indicated that those days were long gone. "We're all about synergy now. If we have a Muppet television show, you'll be seeing other Disney characters and ABC personalities -- like maybe Barbara Walters. That'd be a hoot!"
Reports indicate that the Swedish Chef will be barred from all Disney properties ("too scary and insensitive to our Swedish guests") and that Bert and Ernie will only be seen during Gay Days. Gonzo will appear but will no longer have a romantic interest in chickens. And Animal will be replaced by a slightly rough-looking "but hot" twenty-something drummer "aimed at the tweener set."
[Ed. Note: Yes, we know Bert & Ernie aren't part of the deal since they were sold to CTW a ways back, so settle down and send us bizarre e-mails about something else.]
Thursday, February 19, 2004
ACE Election Season Gears Up
With the elections for ACE leadership positions coming up this year, candidates have begun to make themselves known, walking the campaign trail, making speeches, and developing important policies related to how ACE members should express their quite important coaster-loving hobby.
Two potential ACE officers made their pitch to the public recently on rec.roller-coaster. Sam Marks presented his qualifications for being ACE Treasurer with his highly unorthodox system for the computation of why this year's CoasterCon is an exceptional value. Essentially, Marks' method favorably compares the actual cost of the aptly-named Con with a computation that calculates what the cost of the equivalent number of days visiting the parks would be, assuming the visit to the parks was made by a complete and utter moron who was unaware that "season passes" exist. Most of the population has been swayed by Marks to agree that they were wrong, and in reality the Con fee is quite affordable for normal people who do not possess a substantial inheritance.
In the same forum thread, Rastus O' Ginga restates his intent to run for president of ACE, admitting that, while Carole Sanderson has done a good job of taking all his alleged advice, he will still run for her office under the platforms of claiming sole credit for any good idea ever concocted by ACE and convincing everyone that "homophobia is so cool."
Although current ACE Secretary Jeff Siefert failed to contribute any profound thoughts to the rec.roller-coaster thread, he assured ARN&R in a private interview that he will seek re-election to the same office on a campaign pledge to "defend racially insensitive jokes in our publications, trash any filthy garbage ACE members for voicing their opinions anywhere if they disagree with mine, and generally continue fighting against the common scum ACE members who aren't on the ACE Executive Committee, since their pathetic opinions don't matter at all."
--JCK
With the elections for ACE leadership positions coming up this year, candidates have begun to make themselves known, walking the campaign trail, making speeches, and developing important policies related to how ACE members should express their quite important coaster-loving hobby.
Two potential ACE officers made their pitch to the public recently on rec.roller-coaster. Sam Marks presented his qualifications for being ACE Treasurer with his highly unorthodox system for the computation of why this year's CoasterCon is an exceptional value. Essentially, Marks' method favorably compares the actual cost of the aptly-named Con with a computation that calculates what the cost of the equivalent number of days visiting the parks would be, assuming the visit to the parks was made by a complete and utter moron who was unaware that "season passes" exist. Most of the population has been swayed by Marks to agree that they were wrong, and in reality the Con fee is quite affordable for normal people who do not possess a substantial inheritance.
In the same forum thread, Rastus O' Ginga restates his intent to run for president of ACE, admitting that, while Carole Sanderson has done a good job of taking all his alleged advice, he will still run for her office under the platforms of claiming sole credit for any good idea ever concocted by ACE and convincing everyone that "homophobia is so cool."
Although current ACE Secretary Jeff Siefert failed to contribute any profound thoughts to the rec.roller-coaster thread, he assured ARN&R in a private interview that he will seek re-election to the same office on a campaign pledge to "defend racially insensitive jokes in our publications, trash any filthy garbage ACE members for voicing their opinions anywhere if they disagree with mine, and generally continue fighting against the common scum ACE members who aren't on the ACE Executive Committee, since their pathetic opinions don't matter at all."
--JCK
Holy Land to Add Hardcore Thrills
Thrilling news has come forth from The Holy Land Experience, Orlando's newest theme park. According to park representatives, a truly exciting expansion will occur in the next two years: the addition of thrill rides.
In order to compete with area theme parks, the management team at THLE will start out with two coasters. First to open will be a family coaster called "The Holy Roller," a heavily-braked spinning mouse from Maurer-Sohne. But this ride will pale in comparison to the massive, bulging monster that will soon be erected nearby.
A representative from The Holy Land Experience had the following to say:
The biggest, baddest and scariest coaster on the planet will be from S&S/Arrow and will incorporate virtually every "trick in the book." It will be like Six Flags Magic Mountain's X, but will be launched to 123 miles per hour via compressed air to shoot up a vertical tower 666 feet, into the top-hat element. Then it penetrates violently down into a tunnel, making the first drop actually 700 feet, thereby negating the devilish height of the initial climb. Emerging from the tunnel, the train will negotiate 13 loops including the newest inversion, the "soixante-neuf" element. The only possible name for this coaster, seeing as it will surely be the scariest coaster ever: "The B'Jesus."
An extremely reliable source claims indisputable evidence, namely his overhearing two park employees talking, that B'Jesus will open just in time for The Holy Land Experience's infamous and popular Gay Days in early summer, 2005.
--PBW
Thrilling news has come forth from The Holy Land Experience, Orlando's newest theme park. According to park representatives, a truly exciting expansion will occur in the next two years: the addition of thrill rides.
In order to compete with area theme parks, the management team at THLE will start out with two coasters. First to open will be a family coaster called "The Holy Roller," a heavily-braked spinning mouse from Maurer-Sohne. But this ride will pale in comparison to the massive, bulging monster that will soon be erected nearby.
A representative from The Holy Land Experience had the following to say:
The biggest, baddest and scariest coaster on the planet will be from S&S/Arrow and will incorporate virtually every "trick in the book." It will be like Six Flags Magic Mountain's X, but will be launched to 123 miles per hour via compressed air to shoot up a vertical tower 666 feet, into the top-hat element. Then it penetrates violently down into a tunnel, making the first drop actually 700 feet, thereby negating the devilish height of the initial climb. Emerging from the tunnel, the train will negotiate 13 loops including the newest inversion, the "soixante-neuf" element. The only possible name for this coaster, seeing as it will surely be the scariest coaster ever: "The B'Jesus."
An extremely reliable source claims indisputable evidence, namely his overhearing two park employees talking, that B'Jesus will open just in time for The Holy Land Experience's infamous and popular Gay Days in early summer, 2005.
--PBW
Wednesday, February 18, 2004
New Ride Problematic for Designers
Universal Studios Florida's design team is having great difficulties with how to handle their upcoming thrill ride, League of Extraordinary Gentleman: The Experience, say sources. The gigantic thrill ride, reported to cost over 200 million dollars, is based on the film that proved to be a massive hit both with critics and audiences around the globe, and is set to begin construction soon after the substantial Mummy ride opens. However, the designers have reached an impasse.
"It's just too daunting," said designer Doug Malkey. "How can we contain a movie of such magnificence, such acting prowess, and such technical brilliance within a mere amusement park ride? I'm particularly flabbergasted by the whole Venice sequence, which would obviously have to be a part of any great movie ride involving LXG! How, in a single ride, are we to tackle such fabulous and realistic material as a car chase in Venice, or graveyard fights in Venice, or a giant submarine navigating the canals of Venice, and not make it seem retarded compared to the magnificent movie upon which it is based?"
Malkey also noted that "the attention the writers of the movie paid to the original graphic novel and the Victorian-era classics upon which the characters were based is simply astonishing. The writers clearly studied all these books and characters for as much as three minutes before beginning principal photography. They especially knew every detail about Dorian Gray, like how he is immortal, even to bullets, unless he sees his painting. It's amazing how close that is to the actual Oscar Wilde book, which means we'll have to peruse the text even more, say, five minutes, in order to delve further and present more in-depth material that fans will crave!"
Added Malkey, "how can we ever hope to have characters this well-written? How can we write dialogue that won't seem stupid compared to the sheer poetry being spoken in the movie? How can we perfrom special effects that come anywhere near those spectacular shots created for the movie? You know, the explosions and the Hyde effects shots that they farmed out for eight dollars to this six-year-old kid Davey who lives down the street from me? And, most importantly, can we come up with clever ideas like a vampire who walks around in the daylight or a character like Tom Sawyer who is from the wrong era compared to the rest of the characters? It's daunting, I tell you, daunting."
Malkey concluded by noting that "all those old books are really boring since you have to, like, read words or something," so the design team would primarily focus on the brilliant script, well-thought-out plot, and Sean Connery's whoring of his good name for ideas on how to construct a ride that "will do justice to one of the great works of culture ever created by mankind."
--JCK
Universal Studios Florida's design team is having great difficulties with how to handle their upcoming thrill ride, League of Extraordinary Gentleman: The Experience, say sources. The gigantic thrill ride, reported to cost over 200 million dollars, is based on the film that proved to be a massive hit both with critics and audiences around the globe, and is set to begin construction soon after the substantial Mummy ride opens. However, the designers have reached an impasse.
"It's just too daunting," said designer Doug Malkey. "How can we contain a movie of such magnificence, such acting prowess, and such technical brilliance within a mere amusement park ride? I'm particularly flabbergasted by the whole Venice sequence, which would obviously have to be a part of any great movie ride involving LXG! How, in a single ride, are we to tackle such fabulous and realistic material as a car chase in Venice, or graveyard fights in Venice, or a giant submarine navigating the canals of Venice, and not make it seem retarded compared to the magnificent movie upon which it is based?"
Malkey also noted that "the attention the writers of the movie paid to the original graphic novel and the Victorian-era classics upon which the characters were based is simply astonishing. The writers clearly studied all these books and characters for as much as three minutes before beginning principal photography. They especially knew every detail about Dorian Gray, like how he is immortal, even to bullets, unless he sees his painting. It's amazing how close that is to the actual Oscar Wilde book, which means we'll have to peruse the text even more, say, five minutes, in order to delve further and present more in-depth material that fans will crave!"
Added Malkey, "how can we ever hope to have characters this well-written? How can we write dialogue that won't seem stupid compared to the sheer poetry being spoken in the movie? How can we perfrom special effects that come anywhere near those spectacular shots created for the movie? You know, the explosions and the Hyde effects shots that they farmed out for eight dollars to this six-year-old kid Davey who lives down the street from me? And, most importantly, can we come up with clever ideas like a vampire who walks around in the daylight or a character like Tom Sawyer who is from the wrong era compared to the rest of the characters? It's daunting, I tell you, daunting."
Malkey concluded by noting that "all those old books are really boring since you have to, like, read words or something," so the design team would primarily focus on the brilliant script, well-thought-out plot, and Sean Connery's whoring of his good name for ideas on how to construct a ride that "will do justice to one of the great works of culture ever created by mankind."
--JCK
Tuesday, February 17, 2004
New Photo Controversy Surrounds Alveys
Robb Alvey, whose photographic exploits have garnered much debate and furor on both coaster forums and newsgroups in the past year, has once again found trouble with the publishing of new photos which document the first night of his honeymoon.
The controversial photos, published last night at themeparkreview.com, provide all viewers with extensive documentation of his own personal "exclusive ERT" with his new wife Elissa the night of his wedding at Walt Disney World.
The exclusive ride time, which, based on the camera's timestamp, appears to have lasted over an hour, drew many criticisms in reference to actions performed in the photographs. Among the complaints so far posted have been "use of a camera during the ERT without permission," "Elissa, at one point, totally standing up," and perhaps the most common complaint: "Robb and Elissa's improper use of restraints."
Alvey, reached just before press time, claims he had the full permission of the Orlando hotel in question for all actions performed in the photographs.
--MOS
Robb Alvey, whose photographic exploits have garnered much debate and furor on both coaster forums and newsgroups in the past year, has once again found trouble with the publishing of new photos which document the first night of his honeymoon.
The controversial photos, published last night at themeparkreview.com, provide all viewers with extensive documentation of his own personal "exclusive ERT" with his new wife Elissa the night of his wedding at Walt Disney World.
The exclusive ride time, which, based on the camera's timestamp, appears to have lasted over an hour, drew many criticisms in reference to actions performed in the photographs. Among the complaints so far posted have been "use of a camera during the ERT without permission," "Elissa, at one point, totally standing up," and perhaps the most common complaint: "Robb and Elissa's improper use of restraints."
Alvey, reached just before press time, claims he had the full permission of the Orlando hotel in question for all actions performed in the photographs.
--MOS
Monday, February 16, 2004
Corrections
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors made on this website. If you feel we have posted something that is incorrect, and sincerely believe we care about your feelings, please feel free to send us an email.
-A recent headline accused ACE Secretary Jeff Seifert of riding an adorable, precious little tricycle. This was partially incorrect; sources tell us this was technically a Big Wheel he was riding. We regret the error.
-We recently claimed in an article that a new Sea World Texas ride called the Shamu Express was not a roller coaster, but was actually a conveyance specifically designed just to cart ACE members around the park. This was a typo.
-Last week, an ARN&R article referred to Clementon Lake Park as "nimrods" for removing Jack Rabbit, one of the world's oldest wood coasters. The actual phrase that should have been used was "dimwitted buffoons." We apologize for this error.
-Within the past few days, an ARN&R staff member claimed in an article that he was "really looking forward to the upcoming season at Quassy Amusement Park." This, of course, is completely untrue. Under the assumption that this staff member is either a compulsive liar or bats**t crazy, he was been temporarily suspended and placed under observation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
--JCK
ARN&R willingly corrects factual errors made on this website. If you feel we have posted something that is incorrect, and sincerely believe we care about your feelings, please feel free to send us an email.
-A recent headline accused ACE Secretary Jeff Seifert of riding an adorable, precious little tricycle. This was partially incorrect; sources tell us this was technically a Big Wheel he was riding. We regret the error.
-We recently claimed in an article that a new Sea World Texas ride called the Shamu Express was not a roller coaster, but was actually a conveyance specifically designed just to cart ACE members around the park. This was a typo.
-Last week, an ARN&R article referred to Clementon Lake Park as "nimrods" for removing Jack Rabbit, one of the world's oldest wood coasters. The actual phrase that should have been used was "dimwitted buffoons." We apologize for this error.
-Within the past few days, an ARN&R staff member claimed in an article that he was "really looking forward to the upcoming season at Quassy Amusement Park." This, of course, is completely untrue. Under the assumption that this staff member is either a compulsive liar or bats**t crazy, he was been temporarily suspended and placed under observation. We apologize for the inconvenience.
--JCK
Sunday, February 15, 2004
Nine Billion Wild Adventures Signs All Fail to Mention Park's Coasters Shut Down During Slightest Drizzle
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.
"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"
James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.
James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."
James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."
James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.
--JCK
Coaster enthusiast Kirk James, 31, was "unbelievably pissed" and "full of boiling hatred for" Wild Adventures Theme Park this weekend.
"I can't believe this f**king place," snarled James, spittle flying out of his mouth. "I drove hours out of my way to go to this stupid park, since they added about four coasters since my last visit, and subjected myself to the univiting landscape of Southern Georgia and Northern Florida, not to mention at least eight gatrillion insipid South-of-the-Border-like billboard ads for the park. And then I pull up to the gates, and what do I see? Not coasters running, I'll tell you that much!"
James noted that, while the park advertises itself as an amazing thrill park, they shut down every single coaster in the park due to weather conditions, which consisted of a terrifying light sprinkle and a horrifying cool breeze.
James went on: "None of the fifty trillion stupid Wild Adventures billboards mentioned that the park would close down at the slightest hint of a relative humidity over 20%. And their imbecilic radio station also failed to mention that they're big, fat p**sies who are terrified of a light mist. Don't they know it's safe to run coasters in a slight drizzle? They were running all the stupid flat rides, which, for some reason, must be safe. Of course, they sure didn't mind charging full parking and admission so dumbass people could go inside and sit on the Ferris Wheel and watch whatever idiotic shows are indoors."
James further noted that "also, the woman at Guest Services I politely called from the parking lot to see if any coasters might actually run under any circumstance that day was a rude bitch. I certainly did not pay for parking or admission, and instead drove the f**k home. Hope they don't expect to see my ass at their dumb park again."
James concluded by stating a moderately strong desire for Wild Adventures to "cram Cheetah up its ass." Officials for the amusement park, located outside of gorgeous, scenic, cultural, and not-at-all-filled-with-Deliverance-extras Valdosta, Georgia, refused to comment.
--JCK
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