Paramount's Canada's Wonderland Announces New Footloose Coaster

At a press conference today, representatives of Paramount's Canada's Wonderland made the official announcement of a long-rumored ride to debut at the park early in the 2005 season. Footloose: The Ride, set to open in May of next year, will be a Bolliger & Mabillard-designed floorless coaster themed to the thrilling and critically-acclaimed Kevin Bacon dance film.

"Huh," said Screamscape webmaster Lance Hart. "I heard rumors of this ride ages ago, and I've had it listed at Screamscape for months, but I always was sort of thinking it was some sort of joke or something. Guess the joke's on me."

"Getting a B&M coaster themed to Footloose makes so much sense for Paramount's Canada's Wonderland," said park rep Willie O' Keefe. "Everything just fits together perfectly. For instance, think about this: We will have a ride called Footloose: The Ride here next season. B&M will build Footloose: The Ride for us. That company also built Medusa at Six Flags Great Adventure. Six Flags Great Adventure is of course run by Six Flags, Inc., which also runs Six Flags Magic Mountain. Six Flags Magic Mountain has a ride called the Revolution. Well, Revolution is a coaster that Kevin Bacon rode four years ago during a free weekend he had between filming Hollow Man and Novocaine. Just six degrees of separation! Isn't that incredible?"

"It is incredible," said another PCW rep, Ray Duquette. "I was just talking about it the other day with two of our managers, Valentine McKee and David Labraccio, and we came up with this astounding tidbit: We are building Footloose: The Ride. That ride will be located next to another ride called Top Gun. Top Gun was designed by Vekoma, and Vekoma also created the Rock 'N' Roller Coaster at Disney/MGM Studios. Disney/MGM is a theme park in the same large Disney World complex, where the Magic Kingdom also resides, and Kevin Bacon visited the Magic Kingdom with his family when he was twelve years old! Isn't that just jaw-dropping?"

When asked for comment, Kevin Bacon politely asked that people leave him alone.

--JCK

Imagineers Stumped by Mr. Toad Concept

Disney Imagineers are reportedly at what one inside source calls "a total dead end" in their attempt to create an exciting theme park attraction based on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride.

"With the DVD release of the movie called Mr. Toad's Wild Ride, Disney has the rare opportunity to tie in a successful property by creating a ride at the Magic Kingdom based on Mr. Toad," says the source. "Disney already owns the U.S. film and ride rights to The Wind in the Willows due to their older animated film deal involving the book, but this newer movie really gives a kick-start to the idea of producing a fun attraction based on Mr. Toad and pals. Unfortunately, no one has the slightest idea of how to create a ride based on this book or on the movies based upon it!" The source then slapped his head crisply for emphasis.

One ride concept, discarded by Disney, would have featured themed cars that zipped speedily and wildly turned through scenes from The Wind in the Willows. The working title for this concept was "Mr. Toad's Wild Ride." The source was unable to decipher why this idea was scrapped.

"The only thing certain about the new ride is that it will involve Mr. Toad in some way, and it will replace that Pooh ride at Magic Kingdom," said the source. "Everyone knows that thing blows, so we won't be getting any nasty hate mail about removing a popular classic attraction or anything."

--JCK

Ebert, Scott, Mitchell Abandon Careers

Three influential film critics -- Roger Ebert of the Chicago Sun-Times, A.O. Scott of the New York Times, and Elvis Mitchell of the L.A. Times -- today simultaneously announced that they were retiring, effective immediately, citing the presence of a new group of critics who "just blew us away."

The new group, a consortium of critics posting their musings at CoasterForce, rose to international prominence with their collective thoughts on The Girl Next Door.

Chach45, who is reportedly being interviewed for a position with Film Threat, opened the Algonquin Table-like discussion with "Ok ok ok... for those who don't know, a new movie named 'The Girl Next Door' is coming out on April 9th. Personally, I can't wait, mostly because Elisha Cuthbert is in it, and she is the hottest woman on planet Earth! What do you guys think about Elisha/the movie?"

After pondering Chach45's meditative and insightful posting, ioainme held forth on the underlying themes of the film: "cant wait to see it looks good." After learning that noted thespian Elisha Cuthbert portrays an adult film actress, future New York Times critic PreppieBoy9489 gave his highest review, previously reserved for The English Patient: "Does she really? *writes on hand to GO SEE THAT MOVIE!!!*"

Chach45, hoping to facilitate the continued insightful development of the discussion, rejoined the conversation: "Yes, yes it is true. My buddy saw the sneak preview... she plays an ex porn star who meets an up tight guy and turns him crazy and stuff.. and you see her butt in small underwear CANT WAIT!"

But Chach45 was not to have the last word. Instead, coolcat13 set forth what is likely to be the last word not only on the film, but also on film criticism, introducing the revolutionary concept of relying on Canadian provincial film ratings boards for the determination of a film's quality: "It does look like a shit film but with lots of T&A. lol I also heard on the radio that Ontario is one of the only provinces rating the movie 14A, everywhere else it's going to be 18A or mature..so then you know it's going to be good."

The intellectual back-and-forth continued with Chach45's rapier-like response: "It does not look like shite movie! It looks great! What's better then the hottest woman on the planet playing a porn star? NOTHING!"

Then, out of nowhere, dannybark cut to the heart of the matter: "lets be realistic, will elisha cuthbert actually get proper naked in this film or even show sumthin?.. its doubtful." Not since Janet Maslin's early advocacy for key art films has a writer had such an insight. And while the conversation continued for a period, all the following postings are clearly mere afterthoughts to dannybark's brilliance.

Ebert, Scott and Mitchell collectively sighed upon reading the thread. "Our careers are done," said Ebert, the first film critic to receive a Pulitzer Prize. "Indeed," said A.O. Scott, who many believe has filled Janet Maslin's position at the Times with great success. And Mitchell -- widely considered the most promising young critic in America -- simply curled up into the fetal position, weeping.

At press time, CoasterForce was reportedly determining if it could assert copyright on the postings. Experts estimate that simply the Girl Next Door postings could result in the site owners becoming millionaires if published in book form.

Dollywood's Thunderhead Better Than Sex, Says Enthusiast Speaking Entirely Hypothetically

Dollywood's new GCI wooden coaster Thunderhead has been getting rave reviews. From declarations that it is the number one wooden coaster in the world to more specific comparisons to Raven and the like, enthusiast response has been strong, to say the least.

Joining in the chorus of praise is 29-year-old enthusiast Prescott Selby of Oregon. Selby, whose coaster count is over 300, traveled thousands of miles to attend Thunderhead's opening and declares it the greatest wooden coaster anywhere, stating that it is "better than sex, or at least better than I imagine sex might be had I ever participated in such activity, which I haven't."

"From the start of the lift hill through the airtime and laterals, Thunderhead delivers in every respect, much like I would suspect a lengthy evening of sweet lovemaking would deliver," said Selby, whose last female contact was an accidental brushing of his hand by the cashier at the Stop 'n' Go over four weeks ago. "My feelings of satisfaction were even greater than those described to me by those people I have spoken with whom have in fact had sex. My whooping and hollering upon returning to the station were remarkably like the sounds I have heard emanating from the apartment next to mine, where Joe and his series of girlfriends are having what I must assume is hot all-night action. Yep, Thunderhead is much better than entirely hypothetical sex!"

Selby concluded: "I sure am glad Thunderhead is here to provide me this satisfaction, so now I don't have to feel bad about not getting any."

What is Worse...Losing a Historic Wood Coaster or Having to Eat at a Non-Chain Restaurant?

That's the question answered enthusiastically by dozens of hungry coaster enthusiasts with no sense of taste, as our Site O' the Weak focuses on the infamous rec.roller-coaster thread where the announcement is made that Miracle Strip has been sold to land developers. Almost no one posting demonstrates any concern whatsoever that Miracle Strip and the Starliner will be destroyed late this year for a strip mall, and instead the forum participants use the topic as an excuse to talk, endlessly, about how great it would be if there were only chain restaurants around, so they could never be challenged or have to experience anything outside of their own boring, useless existence. Merely using an on-topic thread as an excuse to talk about food, a standard trick used by many coaster enthusiasts, is certainly enough to get consideration for the SOW, but this topic gets shot right to the top for also blatantly ignoring the destruction of a good coaster just to talk about food, and for showcasing opinions that are, remarkably, even more stupid than the average useless drivel that spews from the mouths of typical enthusiasts.

Yes, this is the same thread referenced in an article earlier this week. It is indeed a first for ARN&R to reuse a link from an earlier story as the Site O' the Weak, as we naturally strive to bring you as many dreadful websites about amusement parks as possible. However, this thread is so execrable, it deserves the extra attention, and since we aren't able to give the forum participants the hosing down with pressurized sewage they richly deserve, we might as well just point out how stupid they are over and over.

--JCK

Enthusiasts Greet Announcement of Impending Destruction of Miracle Strip With Praise for Shitty Chain Restaurants

Yet another small, family-owned amusement park will be forever lost in the near future, as it was recently announced that Miracle Strip Amusement Park, home of the underappreciated wood coaster gem Starliner, would be sold to land developers, effective following the 2004 season. The park has one year to remove all attractions from the property, meaning that visitors have only this season, and possibly not all of it, to experience the wonders of the park, a clean, bright, fun oasis amongst what experts call "the ugliest open weeping pustule of a filthy cesspool," Redneck Riviera Capitol Panama City.

"We'll be turning the place into something useful," said the developer's attorney, Harry Dick. "Our research has indicated that Americans don't really enjoy the thrill of a unique little amusement park. Visiting a place with free parking and inexpensive tickets is just plain dumb, plus it's really stupid to ride a fun old wooden coaster at night, with neon flashing and warm, salty air blowing gently through your hair. No, in this country people would much prefer some nice cookie-cutter condos or a Taco Bell instead. We're just catering to you stupid f**ks, you know, since you have no taste. And, of course, we're making tons of money and making every square inch of America look exactly alike." Dick then laughed menacingly while absentmindedly plucking at his small, emaciated scrotum.

Lovers of the traditional park held out hope despite the announcement, as the American Coaster Enthusiasts and other coaster fan groups had not yet spoken on the matter. Since one of the main reasons ACE was formed was to protect and laud classic wood coasters, and that mission is a major portion of the current ACE manifesto, and since other groups have also stated a desire to protect endangered coaster landmarks, most observers were certain a major concerted protest action would be forthcoming within a matter of minutes.

The major concerted protest effort has now been undertaken. Coaster enthusiasts have risen up to declare their strong opinions concerning the unfortunte closure of another great traditional park. And that opinion is this: "We like Red Lobster."

Initially, it seemed as if enthusiasts would unite to support the old park and shake their collective fists at greedy agents of the Fast Food Nation, for the announcement of the impending sale of Miracle Strip started off by provoking anger at rec.roller-coaster. Kip Ross referenced the original article, Shawn Mamros decried the closure, and ACE Preservation Director Matt Crowther eloquently wrote of America's losing its soul to corporate culture. However, these three members of the forum were obviously not speaking for the majority of their compatriots, as nearly the entire remainder of the thread became a forum for cretins and imbeciles to laud the tepid, overcooked, frozen and processed grub at Red Lobster and Olive Garden, and to discuss how local, family-owned restaurants suck and chains rule.

"I hate independents, because all the ones I've been too didn't meet my requirements for portion size," noted one enthusiast. "I really think a bland, microwaved simulacrum of actual seafood is considerably better than going to some jackoff local seafood place that just caught whatever fresh food I'm being served. By the way, I also enjoy eating six meals every day at fast food places because only a few thousand already-dead bovines loaded with E-Coli and Mad Cow get sent into the supply I'm eating, and only a few dozen dollar-an-hour migrant workers fell into the chopping machines after working twenty straight hours!"

"By the way," the enthusiast added, "I forgot for a second that my opinions are astoundingly stupid, so it's pretty unlikely I'd actually have any idea what 'simulacrum' means. Forget I said that. Actually, I just said 'Oog like food! Oog like lots of food! Oog hungry! Give Oog more! RRRRRAAAHHHHHHHRRRRRR!'"

A handful of other enthusiasts eventually chipped in to state more sensible restaurant preferences, though almost no one else mentioned any depression or sadness whatsoever over Miracle Strip being razed by bulldozers next Spring. Some of them, fortunately, did make the time to help continue unfair racial stereotypes by implying that Chinese restaurants put cats in their food.

Said a despondent Crowther, "I always felt ACE was here mainly to preserve historical rides. If a thread on the destruction of a classic family park only succeeds in prompting a frenzied defense of Red Lobster's tastinesss and the size of their butter trough, I guess it's all over."

Reports that Crowther had joined with coaster historian Robert Cartmell and ACE founders Roy Brashears, Richard Munch, and Paul Greenwald to weep bitterly in a darkened room over what ACE was created for and what it was once, compared to what they have seen it become, could not be confirmed.

--JCK

Jason Burkhett Discovers "Secret Ace Members A-List"
List Links ACE Leadership to Masonic Templars, Jews

The coaster world was rocked yesterday by the uncovering of a top secret, highly guarded ACE members "A-List."

Burkhett, also known as "Rastus O'Ginga" on Usenet news-groups, has long held and publicized his belief that an "A-List" existed.

"This discovery proves correct every post I have ever made on rec.roller-coaster," read a jubilant Burkhett in a prepared statement. "I have said all along that a secret list exists that determines which ACE members are invited to media days at parks and, incidentally, which control the entire world banking system. But I was shocked, shocked to discover that my suspicions only scratched the surface of the cover-up and international conspiracy."

The list, protected by vicious dogs, booby trapped passages, and a giant, living stone statue named "Galnor," was discovered in a musty, candle-lit room twenty levels beneath the castle of ACE Events Director Gary Baker.

In addition to proving an "A-List," Burkhett also claims the documents prove "an incredibly immense conspiracy" concerning Masonic Templars, Jews, and the assasination of JFK.

"Oh, and at the bottom it says that all ACE members are homo," Burkhett added.

Burkhett has further announced that he plans to release an analysis of this information, along with the document itself, in a book titled The Protocols of the Elders of ACE to be self-published this summer.

When asked if he ever considered the possibility that no one ever invited him to a media event or, indeed, anywhere due to his obnoxious and hate-filled posts on the internet, Burkhett replied, "Never for an instant did I suspect that was the case."

The internet, Jews, and Masonic Templars were unavailable as of press time for comment, leading this reporter to be convinced that Burkhett is absolutely correct.

--MOS

Collect This

If your hobbies include "rollor coasters" and collecting guns, you might be drifting perilously close to being considered for the ARN&R Site O' the Weak award. If your website has very little content, but still makes reference to each of the six game "counsils" you own and adore, even better. Of course, Robert, AKA Flipskater0005, also notes that "I hate school and I think it should die," which pretty much assured him of the honor unless we located a coaster forum topic even more breathtakingly stupid than usual.

Actually, come to think of it, we did locate some pretty stupid forum topics. But we'll hold on to them and make use of them later.

Not that this has anything to do with Robert's enjoyment of Millennium Force or other "rollor coasters," but he also works on some other clever sites, including one that offers minor irritating information about some skateboarding team and an entertainment service that allows people to hire him for work without seeing any proof that he has any credentials of any sort whatsoever.

--JCK

Stratosphere Planning Jackson-Themed Ride

After the announcement that it would install a Wave Swinger-like ride spinning customers over the edge of the 1,000-foot-tall tower, the Stratosphere tower in Las Vegas is already planning its next attraction. Surprisingly, it reportedly will be themed around the King of Pop, Michael Jackson.

In contrast to the other rides atop the tower, the new ride will be decidedly low-tech, with the equipment consisting solely of really big guys dressed up to resemble Michael Jackson. The Giant Jackson Impersonators (the actual job title) will forcibly lift customers up and dangle them over the edge of the tower while inexplicably draping a towel over the riders' eyes. Certain randomly-selected lucky guests will also be molested by the GJIs.

"This new attraction is really pushing the envelope," said Stratosphere spokesman Andy Sadams. "With the randomly-programmed molestation feature, we challenge any other Vegas attraction to meet the level of excitement of this ride."

At press time, Jackson was reportedly considering the Stratosphere's offer, but was waiting to hear whether the casino's requirement that guests be over 18 was strictly enforced on the tower attractions.

Spring Holiday World to Open in 2005

Beginning with the 2005 season, the new Spring Holiday World will open its gates to throngs of worshipful guests, says a representative for the park, David Washington. Spring Holiday World, the first completely new amusement park to open in the U.S. in several years, will "focus on the important Spring holidays that other parks have all but ignored," says Washington. Washington also states that the new park, to be located in Jasper, Indiana, is making no move at all to capitalize on the success of the nearby and much-loved Holiday World, nor to suckle away guests confused about which park they are attempting to visit.

Although work on the park has been in planning for two years, ground work only began a month ago, and some portions of the park remain secret for the time being, as their concepts are fine-tuned. Washington, however, was willing to share a few aspects of Spring Holiday World that guests can already begin looking forward to for next season, as they stew in their own boiling gravy while waiting for four hours in an ucovered line to ride some overly-braked, badly-maintained cloned coaster with single train operation and idiot operators at their local Six Flags:

-Matzoh Ball Run will be a mid-sized wooden coaster designed by S&S/Arrow. The twister will have two trains, and will feature nine drops, a high average speed, and six exciting track passovers. A huge planned attraction in the same section of Spring Holiday World called The Ten Plagues has unfortunately been scaled back due to budgetary constraints, according to Washington, and now will immerse guests only in cattle disease and boils.

-A second, larger wood coaster, also by S&S/Arrow, will be the centerpiece of the Happy Birthday Buddha themed land. Called the Hanamatsunami, the coaster will celebrate the birth of Siddhartha Gautama with several large hills, large bursts of airtime, and a surprise trick-track.

-Mel Gibson's The Passion of the Christ 4-D will be the ride that many park enthusiasts will most eagerly anticipate, as it promises to "take the multi-sensory experience to Xtreme new levels," according to Washington. Focusing on the extensive scourging of Christ pictured in the Mel Gibson film, the attraction will feature a crisp 3-D picture, live actors, and seats outfitted with a variety of clever tricks that "will help guests literally experience what it would be like to be tortured and cucified." The devices installed in the seats will include air jets, water nozzles, wooden crosses, giant rusty nails, thorns, cat-o'-nine-tails, and the amplified voice of Bill O'Reilly.

-A unique attraction will be Peep Research Land, where guests can view actual scientists as they perform various cruel experiments on Peeps, including microwaving them, subjecting them to alcohol and nicotine, and testing their response to extreme force. "We have no idea why these disgusting, stale bits of faux-marshmallow coater in Day-Glo powdered chemicals are so popular," said Washington. "But we're sure going to capitalize on it."

Food and gaming concessions have not been finalized, said Washington, but will "probably involve some eggs in some fashion." The park has decided upon its mascot however: Mr. Cotonelle Tail, described by Washington as a "vicious minion of the Antichrist in the guise of a cute wittle wabbit."

--JCK