Stephen Hawking Reverses Opinion: Black Hole Alters Matter and Returns it to Current Universe 
 
In major news from the world of science, noted astrophysicist Stephen Hawking has reversed his long-held opinion that matter entering a black hole will be completely destroyed or perhaps even shot into an alternate universe.  At a presentation in Dublin, Hawking stated that he now believes that black holes hold onto matter they capture, and then release the material back into their own universe over a great period of time and "in mangled form."

Patrons visiting the water park Wet 'N Wild, in Orlando, were relieved by this news.  Said patron Rupert Malinow, 50, "I was a little disconcerted about taking my daughter on the Black Hole, to be honest.  I knew that it looked safe, but then when I started thinking about it, I wasn't too sure.  It's one thing to say that you'll challenge a ride that might suck you across its event horizon and crush you into nothingness, or maybe even whip you into an evil parallel universe, but it's another thing entirely to actually do it.  Especially in a little two-person raft."

He added, "but now that Professor Hawking thinks we'll just be smashed into subatomic particles and then released in vastly altered form back into our own universe as the Black Hole decays over millennia, I think we feel pretty safe hopping on and taking a chance."

--JCK

Six Flags: That Customer Service Thing Didn't Work, Now We're Back to Hating You

After reporting that attendance was down 4% in the most recent quarter, Six Flags Inc.'s executives had a clear message: The old Six Flags is back.

"Yep, we tried improving customer service and periodically cleaning off the raw sewage from the queue lines," said chain spokesman Joe Linnell. "After a full two months of that, attendance was still down. So, screw that! We're back to hating you, the customer."

Effective immediately, employees will be rewarded for "most menacing snarl" and "least helpful directions," judged by a team of anonymous park visitors. Additionally, individual park managers will receive bonuses based on their refusal, even in the face of hours-long lines, to add additional trains to any coasters. And, in a new once-a-year event, E. coli bacteria will be measured in each park's food service facilities, with the highest concentration receiving $1,000 bonuses for each and every employee.

"We're back, baby!" yelled Linnell. "Screw the customer!"

Fluffers Hired for Coaster Event
 
Anticipating hordes of coaster enthusiasts needing to be kept "excited and at the ready," the Western Washington Fair recently announced that it would be hiring fluffers for its time as host for the 2004 ACE Summer Con.
 
"This is grand news," said enthusiast Jacques Off, 26.  "Sometimes when lots of enthusiasts are waiting in line for their turn, you can lose some of your arousal about the coaster you're about to experience.  I'm always just pumped and ready to go for it at the beginning, but after running around to the station area a few times and then standing there a while, I can't keep up the same level of excitement that I really should.  I want to perform at the highest level an enthusiast can, and that's why I'm happy that I'll have a fluffer available to service me."
 
Other parks could not be reached for comment as to whether or not they, too, would be providing this helpful enthusiast service in the future.
 
--JCK

Enthusiast Ends Up Being Ugly American By Accident
 
Two United States coaster enthusiasts turned out to be Ugly Americans this past week, despite their best efforts.  According to Ben Gavel, 35, he and his friend, Don Timmerman, 37, had wanted to avoid this at all costs.
 
"We tried, we failed," said a despairing Gavel.
 
Claimed the enthusiast, "we did our best not to be typical jerk American tourists.  We both tried to study enough books on Spanish and German to make ourselves reasonably conversant and not make locals switch to English.  And we also read books on customs so we wouldn't insult anyone.  We were certain never to openly disparage anything and look like asses.  But then we ran into to trouble."
 
The trouble, according to Gavel, was when a raging thunderstorm hit Barcelona's Port Aventura, right as the pair of enthusiasts was waiting in line for Dragon Kahn, the park's signature looping coaster.
 
"We'd been waiting there patiently for a few minutes," he said.  "The rain was obviously not letting up for a while, but we figured we'd just stay there until it stopped and the ride got going again.  But then one of the ride ops said something extensive in Spanish and the gates opened.  We were like, huh, well, maybe they run it in the rain?  Heck, why not!  And we sat down.  That's when everyone started pointing and laughing, and the op had to angrily point for us to get off.  How awful.  How rude."
 
Apparently, the long-winded Spanish explanation was not a call to board the ride, but was the following: "We do not anticipate the ride opening for some time.  You may wait in the station as long as you choose, but we do not guarantee how long it will be.  We shall open the gates for you to walk through and leave via the exit ramp if you choose.  Thank you."
 
"We didn't know Spanish well enough to catch all that," said Gavel.  "Damn it!  We were tricked into being Ugly Americans!  Tricked, I tell you!"
 
--JCK

Feed Me Manflesh, Demands Shamu

Long a fixture of family fun at Sea World, the killer whale Shamu created quite a stir this week with his demand to have his diet of mackerel and squid supplemented with human flesh.

"I'm sick of this crap," noted the mighty Orca from his holding tank. "You splash around for four shows a day and then try to subsist on these stupid little fish and mollusks. They better set me up with the good shit. I won't perform again until Sea World agrees to provide me with succulent and tender manflesh at least once per week."

Shamu noted that he would prefer to dine upon full-sized men, but would probably be willing to compromise by feasting upon a bratty child each week, so long as the meat was "uniformly scrumptious and juicy."

At press time, Sea World employees had not officially responded to Shamu's demands; it is assumed that the park is calculating whether the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to Shamu's lack of performances would outweigh the loss of revenue from patrons not coming to the park due to the possibility that they might be fed to Shamu.

--JCK

Helpful Tips on How to Make a Crappy Site for Your Amusement Park

For the second day in a row, ARN&R presents an insightful discussion on a real-life issue. Yesterday it was the ACE elections, today it's how to make your official amusement park website absolutely as shitty as humanly possible!

Follow these tips and you, too, could make visitors erupt in scathing peals of laughter:

1) Make the design costs as cheap as possible. Give five bucks to some stoner working the counter at Little Ceaser's and tell him to slap some stuff together in under six minutes. Or, better yet, let your cat do it.

2) Don't put any useful information on your website. You don't want people to actually come visit the park and give you money, do you? Be sure not to list the hours of operation or the cost of ride tickets. (You may feel free, however, to list the group rates, as this will get the school group brats in to irritate ordinary patrons who decide to come even after viewing your useless website.)

3) We can't stress this enough, because it's the single most important step in making sure no one ever comes back to view your website ever again: please, please, please have a really obnoxious MIDI song blasting on each and every page. If a potential visitor fails to ram their fist or a nearby friend's head through the monitor within five seconds of reaching your home page, then you have failed miserably.

An excellent example of an amusmement park website that fulfills all these criteria to the fullest potential is the one for Sylvan Beach Amusement Park, our Site O' the Weak. Follow the example of this website, and soon, you, too, can be designing a really crummy website for your very own park!

--JCK

[Editor's Note: Another superb example of a terrible park site would, of course, be the Only in America website, though its failure to use a bad soundtrack leaves it just short of Sylvan Beach for this week's award.]

Courtney Love Accused Of Attacking Ninja

Los Angeles police this morning confirmed reports that Courtney Love was arrested on Friday at Six Flags Magic Mountain after attacking the park's inverted "Ninja" roller coaster. The attack reportedly occurred after the coaster failed to show Love what she termed "proper Ninja respect" and further refused her repeated requests that it "get all Ralph Macchio" on another park guest who observed that Love's recent solo album "blew chunks."

Love initially approached the coaster around noon and ceremoniously bowed to it in a manner based on the obscure Filipino martial art known as arnis, expecting the coaster to reciprocate with a formal Ninja bow. The coaster, however, simply continued to operate, entirely ignoring her entreaties to "Bow, you piece of sh*t!"

Things got worse when season pass holder Shawn Fanelli recognized the rocker while standing in line. Fanelli, who recently purchased Love's solo release "America's Sweetheart," yelled "Hey, Courtney! Your new album sucks ass! Guess you shouldn't have offed Kurt [Cobain]!"

Love, outraged, initially sought to attack Fanelli herself, but then remembered the terms of her bond from one of her many recent arrests. She instead urged Ninja to attack Fanelli in the mode of Karate Kid star Ralph Macchio "to protect [Love's] honor." Ninja again ignored her requests and continued to operate as a simple suspended coaster.

At that point, Love lost control and ran at Ninja's first car, screaming and flailing about, holding a broken bottle. She was struck by the car and instantly knocked unconscious, with over a dozen items of drug paraphernalia falling out of her pockets.

Love is scheduled to be arraigned later today.

Enthusiast Apprehensive About Relationship After Rye Playland Visit

According to sources close to Guy Walter, the longtime coaster enthusiast is "somewhat apprehensive" about the future status of the relationship he has with his current girlfriend, Shannon.

"Everything seemed to be going really well," Walter noted. "Shannon's really cute and bright, and she actually makes about eight times the amount of money I do, so maybe she could function as a sugar momma for my coaster trips. But then she agreed to visit Rye Playland with me, and things turned sour."

Apparently, Walter's daydream became a nightmare when the couple rode on the park's exceptionally modest coasters, the wooden Dragon and the Crazy Mouse.

"She was terrified of both of them," he wailed. "Utterly terrified! She had to sit on a bench, and she was shaking, and then she said she liked me a lot, but she'd never ride another coaster with me ever again."

"She was scared of a friggin' mouse!" Walter screamed out, after a moment of silence. "A mouse! Augh!"

Walter stated that the situation was still up in the air. "I was initially just sick to my stomach over the whole thing," he said. "But Shannon's pretty hot, and she puts up with my hobby, and, much more importantly, dropped the terms 'enthusiasses,' 'upstop wheels,' and 'tick rides' in conversation recently. I guess I'll probably keep her around."

--JCK

Cheney Blames Edwards For Lame-Ass BORG Name

In a strongly-worded statement, Vice President Dick Cheney today blamed Democratic VP candidate John Edwards for what Cheney called "the totally lame-ass name for [relocated Vekoma flyer] BORG Assimilator at Paramounts Carowinds" in Edwards's home states of North and South Carolina.

"The fuzzyheaded liberal thinking of trial lawyer John Edwards leads to the abandonment of just fine names like Stealth and selection of something called BORG Assimilator," said Cheney, gesturing wildly and cursing regularly. "Idiot punks like trial lawyer Edwards just love this sort of thing and probably threatened to sue Paramount if they didn't name it BORG Assimilator. Goddamn trial lawyers."

"Did I mention that he's a trial lawyer?" Cheney added later. "He can go f*ck himself."

Edwards, running his hands through his luxurious head of hair, denied Cheney's charges. "I didn't have anything to do with the theming, though I wish I had, since the theming is all part of making one America. What Mr. Cheney may not understand is that my father worked in a mill, and that, as the son of a mill owner, I resent the idea that theming this roller coaster to a television show popular among those who work in mills is a bad idea."

Enthusiast At National Fireworks Distracted

Long-time coaster enthusiast Martin Staples, traveling with a church youth group, braved rain and winds last night to attend the fireworks on the National Mall in Washington, D.C. While the magnificent display unfolded overhead, however, Staples could think of nothing other than the fact that, if the Smithsonian (much of which is located along the Mall) had a coaster, it would have had virtually no lines.

"Man, that would've been awesome," said Staples, who ended up watching only approximately a fifth of the display, spending most of his time jumping to look over the crowds at what he described as "potential lift hill sites" and "possible station locations" for an Intamin hypercoaster. "All these suckers would be watching the display and feeling a sense of national unity, and I would just be in airtime heaven. That would totally kick ass."

Staples has previously thought that Muir Woods National Park in northern California would have been better with a GCI twister and, just a few days ago while on the same trip, tried to determine whether a giant Top Scan would have fit inside the National Cathedral in northwest Washington.